Sarah the suburbanite

The death of the individual teacher

2012-02-02T07:13:00.001Z

That is a somewhat melodramatic post title, but it fits.Merge and more I am seeing the evidence that the individual teacher is to be squashed, to be compressed into the boxes that the government want them to be in. I can only teach what they want me to teach, test what they want me to test, support who they want me to support, and display my children's work on cream backing paper. Cream.That's practically magnolia.Ick.Which is why 2 of my boards are currently covered in black plastic bags. We're doing space - how can I in all honesty, mount space work on cream backing paper. I've been told off about the state of my room. Apparently the cleaner has complained. Fine.Today I shall go in and get rid of all the junk modelling stuff that the children have been using, and if they ask why I *will* tell them. I am that cross about it.At the end of the day it is *my* room. MINE!I teach in it. I live in it. Apparently the cleaner complained about there being food on the desk. It's a bag of apples because one of my children brings a piece of bread and a tinned sausage for her lunch. I supplement it with fruit. That's my choice. Do I have to stop that because the cleaner doesn't like it? Don't care - I shall not be stopping it!Apparently she complained about there being a bag of clothes in there. Those are on their way to another child who has school uniform, 2 pairs of trousers, and that is it. Yes, I am sending some of the AC's old stuff their way. Why shouldn't I?I would never see a child go without if I could help. I still worry about the BG because single motherhood is so tight for cash. (assuming her mother is still single - there's no reason for her to be!) I could not knowingly leave a child in need.But shall I? Because the cleaner doesn't like it?Shall I display their work badly because the art coordinator likes cream?Shall I not understand my own planning because the system that the school uses just doesn't work for me?Shall I leave a child with an inadequate lunch because the cleaner doesn't like apples on my desk?Anyone who knows me will testify to the fact that I am very untidy generally. It just happens. One minute it's all good, and then it's all gone wild! It comes to the fact that I am not a show home kind of person. I am living in the now, living in the what *has* to be done, living in the rather spending time with the child than hoovering. The house and classroom are *never* unsanitary - no dirty pots in my cupboard rather than wash them - but they are very lived in, Is that individual? I think so, but I may not be around much longer to celebrate it!

Expenses and cuts

2012-02-01T06:57:00.001Z

This morning I got up, went downstairs, and showered using my reduced aisle shower gel (cinnamon and fig!) and washed my hair using special offer shampoo.

I made a cup of tea using the special offer teabags and the double discount sugar and the full price milk. (Still working on that one!)

I made the AC breakfast using special offer cereal and sandwiches for J using homemade bread (special offer flour and free yeast) and 2 for 1 ham.

I emptied the clothes from the washing machine (washed using special offer double discount washing powder) and put them on the radiator to dry.

I put more clothes in the washing machine (with the special offer double discount washing powder) and put it on.

I am about to prepare tea - a cassarole of half price vegetables and reduced aisle beef - no Ox Cheek this week which is a shame, as that was delicious last week. It will be served with cut price cheese and homemade bread.

Tonight we are going to flying (free) and on Friday we'll go to Steves for chinese (his turn to pay - our turn was last week lol!)

I don't have to live like this.

This is a lifestyle choice because I resent paying full price to the supermarkets and because with a little thought I can save a fair piece of money that we can use on other things. Currently, we're saving up for a National Trust membership for the family. We'll get that this week, and most of it will have been paid for by saving.

We have money in the savings. I could have used that. I'm not going to, because one day we'll need something in a hurry and that money won't be there.

Rich and I *had* to live like this. We *had* to pay off the debts accrued during his marriage to the BG's mother. We *had* to send money across the Pond to support BG (utterly unresented, btw!). We were saving for a trip over there because her mother had refused her to come here. As a consequence, BG never saw her father again. I don't want that for any reason - we will always have enough money to cover something like that that needs to be done.

When Rich died, the AC and I had to live worse than this. It wasn't a game then. We *had* to. We had support from the RAF which was lovely and very, very necessary, but that couldn't go on forever, and I have my pride. I'm not one to run to my parents for anything except electrical help (my dad is an electrician - he knows what he's doing lol!) and whilst they did help, I have now paid back every penny of overt help. (Well. Of overt help that I remember. There are still big gaps in my memory, and they are welcome to stay there.) But AC had uniform, and presents at Christmas, and Friday treat time, and the mortgage was paid and we just cut back and cut back and cut back until it was all sortedish.

Now there are 2 wages in the house again. A part time one from J - and why not after 23 years serving - and a full time one from me. I'm used to living in a less profligate way, and in a way, it's a game. I know it's not for others - there are thousands in the position that I was in with the AC after Rich's accident - I know it's not a game, and I help when I can.

So I when I have made tea I will put on my sale trainers, pull on my half price coat, and head out the door with my worth-every-penny child, and go to school to earn the money.

Laters peoples.

Virtual blogging?

2012-01-31T07:22:00.000Z

Recently I ave gone back to the blog a couple of times, and noticed that posts I had posted weren't there. There was a simple reason for this - I hadn't posted them.

I have been writing blog posts in my head, changing wording, layout and so on, and then thinking I'd actually put them up. Clearly I hadn't.

SO in short order, seeing as the last time I posted was my "The nurse wants me to go to weightloss clinc" post, here is what has been happening in my world.

Thursday - I get a phonecall from the man to say "Don't do anything for tea tonight, and be ready to go at 6." It turns out I am being taken out to Pizza Hut for my birthday, with the AC and J, with D from J's work, and Steve and Angela and children and it is a Lovely, Lovely, Time.

Friday, being as it is my Actual Birthday (and Holocaust Memorial Day) I have cards and presents at home (gloves, and the Hairy Bikers Pie book) and then I go to school and I get cards and presents (wine, chocolates, candles etc) and then we went to Leamington and I got cards and presents (£30, socks, a plush beaver) and then we vegged out and went to bed.

As it is my birthday I am glossing over the antics of the ex lol!

Saturday, being as it is the day after my birthday, we went to town and J bought me a new hoodie from Animal in a pale green colour which is gorgeous, and a SMALL. Ha nursie! We had lunch from the Spud Man which made the AC very happy, and then went home and chilled out. I had to do some work, but it was only a few hours of marking and planning, so it's all good.

Sunday, being as it was still my birthday weekend (admittedly at my insistence) we went to Charlecotte Park and had a wander and saw some magnificent deer with massive antlers and decided that it was a 3 year old that had run into the car the other day. We had roast chicken lunch, and then I worked and knitted and watched Poirot and the boys played and J had a sleep. Eventually we dropped T-Boy off and went home and I got another card and a a cheque in it, and so because I had a card that means I was right and it was still my birthday!

Monday was a school day and I have drawn a line in the sand when it comes to marking and planning, and I will discuss this more in another blog post, but I Made My Views Heard. There is no point moaning behind someones back if you don't say it to their face. Unless they are an Ex, in which case there is no point in saying anything to their faces, unless you say the thing you don't want done, and then they will do it just to spite you. Yes, I do it to the AC's dad. Yes it works. Yes we did it to the She-Ex, and yes, it worked.

After all this time, I am still automatically writing She-Ex. Ah well. I hope it's all cool and froody in their world. It's all cool and froody in mine.

It's another day for the course, and I am off to be Improved.

Oh yes.

Weightloss. Bugger.

2012-01-25T20:33:00.001Z

Yesterday I went to the nurse for a general look over, and a refill of my pill. We chatted over the options (the phrase "You're at that age now" was used!) and then we did the height weight thing.

Hmmm.

She told me I was overweight. This is not news. I know my body, and I know when I am being a lardy girl! Currently I am 11st2, or 156lbs, for my American friends. I know it isn't loads compared to some. I should be between 106 - 134, so I'm only really 22lbs over. Which is a lot, but easy to shift once I can move again properly.

Regular readers will recall that in December last year I tore the cartilige in my knee. In March the lovely NHS fixed it for me, and I loved the world. It is healing, but slowly. I still can't run on it. It still gets very stiff and won't unlock. I still can't push through it. Admittedly I only found the last one out yesterday when we moved the fishtank, but that's ok.

Mrs Nurse asked me what exercise I got. We went through the knee thing.

Because it is not dependable as yet, I am not exercising like I was. I don't care what people say, diet without exercise is pointless. I still walk to work every day with the child. I walk to Tesco 3 or 4 times a week. I walk to where J works on a regular basis, at least once a week, more often in the holidays or whatever.

If I run the numbers, it's around

School - 0.5 per journey - 5 miles a week
Tesco - 0.8 per journey - 4.8 miles a week
J's work - 1.6 per journey - 3.2 miles a week

That's a total of around 13 miles a week.

Mrs Nurse admitted that that was fine and a good base level of activity.

She asked about my drinking. I don't.
She asked about my smoking. I don't.
She asked about my diet. I asked her what she meant. She said, well, what did you eat yesterday? I said

Breakfast - cereal, fruit.
Lunch - porridge, fruit.
Tea - pork chop, mashed potato, peas, gravy.

No. She had no ideas either. The only thing that I can cut out right away is sugar in tea. Anyone who knows me knows that I love my tea. I've fought through 4 days of Caffine-Detox headaches just to drink my new brand of tea all the time. Now I have to take out the sugar. I could try sweetners. I like sugar. Bad ol' me!

So the plan is that I go to the weightloss clinic, and get my diet looked at. It's quite carb heavy, I should think, and I don't know how that affects diets and things. I've never had to worry about diet - it's simple in my world. Don't eat crap, and you'll feel fine! Eat home made food made with love.

Any ideas would be greatfully recieved.

Head owwwwwww!

2012-01-24T06:38:00.001Z

I have another one of those massive one-sided headaches. It's like having a headache in my eyeball. It's probably a result of rising stress levels, except I don't have any. Ok, well, not many. Nothing out of the ordinary.

Work.
Sandwich making.
My headache.
Where the AC's trainers are.
The ITP course.
The MEd course.
Life.

It's going now, slowly. I've had some Lemsip tablets and they are clearing it, which means that, well, I know what it is.

I've overdosed on chocolate.
It used to happen a lot, and then I learned to manage it and work out how much I could have before it went over whatever level it is that massacres one side of my brain and clogs up all my sinus pathways. (Yes, TMI, I know!) This is on another level of pain though, but I'll manage it, because there isn't another choice lol!

I'm on session 2 of my course today. I need to go through the course materials before this morning starts (with croissants and orange juice!) and make sure last weeks stuff is up to date, plan what I was going to say about my targets for last week (yes, I met them, yes, I'm sure they made a difference!) and look over what we'll be on this week, pack my school bag ready to go, and if the headache calms down, I'll have some breakfast. If the headache doesn't, then I'll wait until I get to my course.

I know that not so many people read this blog, and that's fine - I don't blog for an audience, although I do acknowledge you, Dear Reader, sometimes - but I still would rather not offend anyone with yesterdays post. I was just angry with the effect of what I saw yesterday as the selfishness of the parent disregarding the needs and emotions of the child. Most of me still sees it that way, to be honest.

I've never been in those shoes, but I can't imagine anything that comes before the needs of my child.

.

Very UnPC

2012-01-23T17:27:00.002Z

I am.... stunned?

It has been one of those days where so many things have happened, that it is overwhelming.

I have been made aware of an action that has been taken by someone that has traumatised a child. I know that their choice of action stems from their own illness, I know that no-one in their own self would want to do this thing, and I know that it is a massive taboo type thing on the internet to moan about it, but the effect that the self-harming of the mother has had on the child is immense. IMMENSE!

Oh, the mother is all "She doesn't know, I hide it from her, I have long sleeves and jeans, and my own steristrips in the cupboard where she can't see."

Her daughter is intelligent, active, gorgeous, happy, and a joiner. Oh wait. She was. Now she's hurrying home every night, and she's fretting during the day, and if her mother isn't there at the right time then she's pacing the library floor.

Yeah. She doesn't know...... her mother can keep telling herself that as much as she likes, but it isn't true. She knows, and the worst of it is? She thinks it's all her fault. Yep. The daughter thinks the mother self harms because the daughter isn't good enough, winds her mother up, causes her stress, and has to let the stress out by self harming with a blade.

She knows.

SHE KNOWS!

The depressing thing is that the daughter will be the same way as the mother in 20 years. And if she has a daughter, it'll all be the same again.

I know I am supposed to be all PC and all "Poor mother" but I can't. The mother can choose, the daughter can't.

End of rant.

Probably.

Oh the snuggling!

2012-01-21T07:52:00.003Z

Last night I snuggled a 4 year old who wanted snuggles, 2 books reading, and 3 songs before bed. I obliged with the first, but when she went to get the books the 2 year old saw a space on my lap and wriggled over from J to me. He put his hands on either side of my head, looked into my eyes like that lad does to Robin Williams in Hook, and with a very serious expression on his face, gave me a very big kiss. He then sat on one side of my lap, and the 4 year old sat on the other, and we read the books together, and then whilst he got another book the 4 year old and I sang "Ladies Horse goes Nim Nam Nim Nam". She also did the looking into my eyes and kissing me thing, but less intensely. She thrives on cuddles and songs and dance, and play and joy, and the boy just wants his cuddles, and his questions answered, and life to carry on like it is.

The 2 year old was taken up to bed, and then the 6 year old came for his cuddles and story and the 4 year old claimed all of my lap and we read some more and then she went up to bed.

The 6 year old and I looked at his Usbourne puzzle book and then he went up to bed.

My 8 year old was with his father. We were at a friends house.

I have two ways that I can look at this. I can be incredibly, insanely jealous of these adorable children and their wonderful mother and father. I can want and need this kind of thing for myself. I can cry and bemoan my lack of children and the lack of hope in ever having any of my own again.

OR

I can be happy for this mother that she has 3 children who are so good-natured. I can help her out by tidying the front room a little bit. I can count the blessing of my own son, stepson, stepdaughter, and remember their cuddles when the AC and BG were little, and T-Boy's and the AC's cuddles now. I can praise God for the joy of a whole nights sleep. I can thank Him for the loan of children from a friend, and for the way those children love J and I just because we are us.

This morning, I am there with the second one.

Itwillallbefine. And it is.

Broody.

2012-01-20T07:10:00.001Z

I'm broody all over again.I will never get the hang of not being broody. I know that. Well, I suppose when I am 90 or something then I will, but you know what I mean, Dear Reader. Right now, it's never.I like being pregnant. I like new babies, older babies, toddlers, nursery age, school age, and I like them up to 8 years 7 months. That's how old the AC is, so that's as far as I know I like motherhood.

This goes a long way back.

All I have ever wanted, deep down, was a home, a good and loving man, and anywhere between 2-6 children.

I have a home, for which I work my bottom off, but at the end of the day it is *mine*. One day, it will be ours, but right now, legally speaking, it's *mine*. No-one can tell us what to do, or evict us on the spur of the moment. None of our money is wasted in rent. Every month I pay the mortgage, I pay more towards the house being ours in whole. I love this house.

I have a good and loving man. I've had terrible luck with men, - 2 divorces and a widowhood tend to make one feel slightly paranoid. I worry about losing J, but I worry deep down where no one can see it, because I know that it is paranoia, and I have seen that ruin too many relationships in the past. If I clutch at him too tightly then he will feel repressed, and I don't like that for a man. He needs to feel in charge, he needs to know I have every faith and trust him, and that I would accept a decision that he has made.

I suppose it is that last which is where I am struggling.

Rich and I were trying for a family. In the year that he died, I lost two before his death, and 1 immediately afterwards.

Always they are early, early losses. Just enough to know that they are there, and then they are gone. I think I've done it again, jut before Christmas, but I've got to the stage where I don't want to think about it anymore. Enough is too much already, as someone cleverer than me said. But to go from trying, to mourning, to never, in such a short time, has been a shock to my system.

I've had days when it feels like J would have children with his Ex, but not with me - what's wrong with me? (answer, probably nothing! Hey, hi paranoia lol!) Am I such a bad mother? (again, the answer is no! The She-Ex called me "Mary F-ing Poppins" except she used the whole word. She was that angry then, now? Who knows.)I know some of this is based on being 37 soon. Too old to start all the nappies and things again, increased chance of congenital deformity, and all that jazz.

I know.

I do know, you know. I'm not stupid.

Just broody.:-(

However, I have a beautiful and intelligent son, a kind-hearted stepson, an amazing stepdaughter somewhere in the Americas, who I will never stop loving, and a whole range of nieces and nephews and godsons and goddaughters and friends children and....

Well, you get the picture.

I am blessed in so many ways.

Just hormonally challenged.

Improving Teacher Programme

2012-01-18T06:50:00.001Z

It's the morning.

I'm ready for school already. Yeah, already - and it's only 6.24am.

The child isn't. He's lying on the sofa telling me he's ill and can't go to school. He's got an hour before we leave, so it's fine. He'll recover in a moment. When I offer hime breakfast I expect!

Yesterdays course was........

I don't know!

On the one hand it is very introverted, and very much about looking at why I'm doing everything I'm doing. There's a mnemonic and everything lol! Everything I do in the next six weeks, school related, has to be evaluated against DR ICE.

Deeper thinking.
Roleplaying learning
Impact on progress
Challenging Expectations
Engaging in Learning

It's about working smarter instead of harder, more thoroughly instead of faster, and so on.

It was hard work in some ways - it is always hard to look at what you do from an objective stance, and take out your own biased point of view. It's also hard to find a reason for doing something that you have always done because that is the way it is done.

I also had the most majorleague stinking headache on Monday night, that made me useless. I have never had a headache that bad. Not so bad I wanted to actually be sick. Not so bad that my boy made me a cup of tea (although that's the kind of thing he does every now and again, because he loves me!) Not so bad that J took one look at me and went "We'll order tea in tonight, you look terrible."

I ended up taking something called Syndol, which joyously announces on it's box that I must not take it for more than 3 days or it could be addictive. Addictive? I must have been ill or I would never have bought it lol!

Anyway, I had better get my shake on and get to work. I'm not feeling great again, but there's nothing so bad I can't go to school - just tired and achy and my skin itches in a really weird way (usually means I have a temperature lol!)

I have to make myself a DR ICE poster for my room, as a visual reminder as well!

And that was the weekend of survey!

2012-01-16T07:07:00.001Z

I spent the weekend working on the returned questionnaires from school about the current and future ICT policy. There were times when I thought my brain would run out of my ears with complete boredom, and then I started to sneakily enjoy it. Working the numbers out. Making them make sense. Reading the comments and agreeing with some, disagreeing with others, and laughing at a very few.Tomorrow I start my course.I've reapplied for my MEd continuation.I have more work lined up that I know what to do with lol, but in a way, I like it like that.Anyway, the kitchen calls, and I shall be back laters.

Friday the 13th.......

2012-01-13T07:25:00.000Z

And to be frank, I'm not bothered.

Ha!

I have the mother, father, grandparents and whole extended family of headaches. I have an exhusband who is at best a fantastist, and at worst a liar. I have a weekend of massive amounts of work ahead of me. However, I have had an exhausting week, so the chances of me doing it all are quite slim.

And again with the "Ha!"

Because I also have a lovely home. A new sofa on the way in a matter of weeks. (Like new. NEW! No ones bum has ever been on it, that kind of new!) I have a son who has just asked if next week, we can have mummy cassarole and not jar cassarole because mine is better. I have new bread with homemade jam (not by me, but by a parent at school.) I have a man who says that when he thinks about me his stomach flips because he loves me so much. I have people at school who cannot believe I am being sent on the Improving Teacher Programme because I am one of the best teachers they know. (And they said it to other people, not to me!) I have a box of chocolates from a parent in thanks for listening to her and helping her earlier in the week when she had a real wobble.

I am loved, appreciated, cared about, and respected as a professional.

Yeah. HA!

It has taken so much work to get this far, so much determination and care and thought and prayers and just not giving in to the world when it wants to take me down. It is built on the love that Rich and I had for each other and for the AC, the respect he and I had as a couple and as individuals, personally and professionally. It is maintained by the amazing way that J and I love each other and our family.

Ha Friday 13th! You can get knotted!

Amazed - but exhausted.......

2012-01-12T06:35:00.000Z

I have been this tired before. 2 years ago. 3 years ago. 4 years ago. (Not last year - I didn't go to BETT2011)

It was amazing. I saw things that I would want to buy, things that I ought to buy, things that I *neeeeeeeed* to buy, and some really cool stuff. I didn't buy any of it, obviously, because I had no schol budget.

I picked up a load of free stuff (to be documented later!) and enjoyed the experience of walking round and talking tech with people who knew what they were talking about. I sorted out a load of stuff that needed sorting out with a couple of companies. I met with people that wanted to meet with me, and arranged to be a host school/demo school for a couple of products, thus putting us right up there in the forefront of tech.

Oh and, bestest news, I won a competition. Yeah. I did. Brand New, In the Box, 8gb iPod touch. The AC was very excited, and when I pointed out that we already had one, his first thought was to send it to the BG. How sweet is that? I told him that we couldn't, because I haven't heard from her in a long while now, and there was no reply to me sending her advent calendar, so no. He understands, but, bless him, he wants to make things fair for them all - he has one, so she should. Logical for him.

I don't know what I'll do with it. At the moment it's in the box, all tidy and nice. It can stay there for a little bit. Maybe I'll check the eBay price. Maybe I'll give it to Scotty's Little Soldiers - they've given so much to us after all.

It was just nice to win lol!

Today I'm tired, and my feet hurt, and my legs hurt and (you get the idea) but it is just so great to have been!

If you get chance, then go.

BETT2012 today!

2012-01-11T05:58:00.000Z

I'm excited about going to BETT.

3 years ago I went with Rich.
2 years ago I went with my brother.
Last year I couldn't walk enough, so I couldn't go.
This year, I'm going.

Very excited.
Quite nervous.
Little bit sad.

I'd like J to be going with me, but work is work. Instead I will make his sandwiches and take lots of pictures, and update FB all day and life will be good.

It will be as good as I make it, and damnit I will have it good!

BETT2012

2012-01-10T06:43:00.001Z

...... Is tomorrow.I'm already excited, already thinking about the visit planning session tonight, just want to be there and doing it lol!

Rich and I went for several years together, when he was a governor at the AC's school. Ru has been with me once, but this is the first year I will be going on my own. It doesn't phase me as such, although I enjoy having someone there to share it with, like any exciting thing I suppose. I'm looking into cashless pay systems (yawn) and admin systems (double yawn) and scanner mice (YAY!) and new interactive whiteboard software (DOUBLE YAY WITH EGGS ON TOP!) and other than that, I'm just looking. Oh, and getting my free mug from the lovely people at educationcity.com, who do the best mugs ever, and we have a long term contract with them, organised by me this year, replacing the one that Rich and I put together at BETT2009.

I also spent a large portion of my day dealing with a distressed mother yesterday. I won't go into details here, but I'd have loved to say to David Cameron "THIS is what we do as well!". We ended up at A&E in the end, and itwillallbefine, but *sigh* it was a real moment of "there but for the grace of God go I.".

I suppose it's all in how we deal with stress and pain and loss. If it is our nature to survive and overcome, then we can. If it is in our nature to crumble, and not see how to try and survive, then maybe that's what we do. But then part of my disagrees with that, because I have known several "give up" types, who can be supported through a crisis and shown the right track and who can take it and become more optimistic people because this thing worked out this time. Rich was definately one of those, and he was so happy in his last years here. J can be like that, and just has to get the trauma of the situation out of his system before a solution can even be suggested.

I am (painfully for some lol) optimistic, that there is always a way through, that there is a purpose, that there has to be a shiny side to this situation, whatever it is.

It's ok. Sometimes I annoy myself with it as well. But sometimes, I can give hope to someone else, and I'm praying that's what happened last night.

First Day Back

2012-01-05T07:13:00.000Z

Yesterday was the first day with the children in. Tuesday was the first day back for staff. Both days have lef tme feeling so very tired. I know it isn't helped by the weather, which is very wet and windy and all over the place. It must have woken me up about 15 times last night.

The children were fine. There was the usual range of "I haven't got..... because......" and I carefully ignored all but the relevant bits. Most of my children would be fine if their parents would let them grow up a bit.

Speaking of growing up, the child is now in age 9 trousers. He was 8 in June, and has a pair of age 9 trousers on for school. I am amazed by this. It looks like he may fulfill his ambition of being "tall like Richard."

I also need to email Rich's brother, I-t-B to find out if he wants these bits of Rich's fathers. I am reluctant to open any cans of worms, but it wouldn't be fair just to get rid of stuff if he actually wants it. I mean, I'd be ashamed of myself too, if I was him, but then I would hope that I could see the other person would have forgiven me by now.

Sandwiches.

This is a really bleaugh post.

Sorry! I'll check the meme.

It's not up yet. I'll do it later!

Mum's Birthday

2012-01-03T06:27:00.000Z

Mum's birthday was yesterday and was lovely. Ru and I were there, being our very grownup selves.

There was cake.

There was sideways children.

What more do you want from a birthday?

This morning though, it's back to work in what sounds like a howling gale out there. :-( The AC is with his father for today whilst I'm on INSET, and then he's home tonight.

Itwillallbefine. Cold, but fine!

Happy New Year!

2012-01-02T06:18:00.003Z

It's early in the morning. 0549 to be exact. Breakfast news is on, there is a cup of tea on the side, and I am crosslegged on the sofa, blogging. This is my plan, although I will have to get up earlier than this to accomodate blogging time, and reading others blogs will need to be worked into my time somewhere else.

Tomorrow it is back to work. It's INSET tomorrow (teacher training day) and then the children are in on Wednesday. We have a new topic, which should interest the children, and we have new literach and numeracy topics as well. I have a bucket of work to do lol!

And that's ok. I know what I need to do, I know that lots of it will get done, I know that some of it won't get done. I know I'm ok with that.

I think that's my plan for the year. I've spent the last 2 and a half years saying that itwillbefine. I have been proven correct - it is fine. Yesterday we woke up at a friends house after a lovely evening seeing in the new year quietly with a curry and a film. J was the first person to speak to me in 2012, with "I love you too." Jamie was the second person, with "'Allo Sarah. I a got toas a marmite." (He's two, and doesn't believe in putting all his sounds into his words as yet lol)

We came home after Ang had cooked a fat ol' breakfast, and then grabbed a few bits and went to pick up Lara. How long she'll stay Lara, I'm not sure. She's a snake, it's not as if they answer to their names! She is, however, a Khal strain Albino Boa Constrictor, and she is beautiful. She's around 3 ft a the moment, and will eventually be heading to around 10ft.

We came home, and had a weird evening. I made tea - bacon sandwiches. J and I handled Steve and Lara, and Steve was very wandering tonight, ending up all over my head. He's also getting heavy now as he heads to 5 ft. The babies are so much easier lol, at not yet 1 ft long! Anyway, I made a brew, and we watched some Four Weddings, and discussed several aspects of getting married, including showing J one of the Denim Wedding Dresses that I had looked at with Caroline years ago. I still like it. If I ever get married again, I may well get it anyway - It's not as if I can honestly wear white......

Then we watched CSI, and I was sleepy and so dozed slightly and when J said "Bedtime," Then up we went. Except that once we were confortably in bed, J realised it was only 9pm. I went to sleep for a bit - I'm very tired at the moment, but I always am after Christmas. Then a bit later I woke up, and he was as snotty as anything. I don't mean grumpy, I mean that over the course of about 20 minutes he developed a stinking cold! I did him some boiled lemonade and then went back to bed and sleep.

It was a very random night.

Last year, I put up a quote

"

“Peace is not something you wish for; It's something you make, Something you do, Something you are, And something you give away.”

That's the plan for this year as well. Stick with peace. Peace inside and out.

Making pasta

2011-12-31T08:01:00.002Z

Sorry, this will again be a photo heavy post. I need to find out how to make one of those mosaic thingys that so many really talented and creative people use.

My Other Half, the lovely J, bought me a pasta machine for Christmas. I've always wanted one, and now I have one. Indeed I do.

A cup of flour.

2 eggs, beaten, and deposited into a well in the middle of the flour.

A mess. There is some delicate way of doing things that doesn't involve this much mess. I think it comes with practice.

After 2 minutes kneading. This now felt solid, and like I could have baked it and used it as dwarf throwing bread.

5 minutes more. It's coming. My friend Andy put on FB that it would take more kneading than bread. I'm glad he did, because I was slightly despairing by this point!

Around 10-15 minutes in, and it is a smooth ball of elasticky dough. Lovely. Into the fridge, wrapped in clingfilm, for about as long as it took to make biscuits and clear up a bit. and get the machine out. Umm. 45 minutes?

The machine.

The first dough. Apparently every time I use it, I will be putting a small piece of dough through to clean it out from the last time it was used. It must never be washed. OR fed after midnight.

Wide spaghetti. Tagliatelli. I think that's the spelling.

Looks good! So I squished it back together again and put it through the rollers again until it was thin and......

....put it through the spaghetti cutters.

It is good!

Finished product after 2 minutes in boiling water.

I ate it an enjoyed it, J ate it and enjoyed it, T-Boy was impressed by the machine but didn't eat it. It took him 2 hours to eat his lunch yesterday, although it was all foods that he likes. Last night when he started the "I'm full" routine, his dad told him to put it in the kitchen.

We're taking him back today. I do miss him when he isn't here, and I love having him around, but the tantrums and the food choices (which I firmly believe are deliberate) and the constant defiance are wearing me out. I'm going to avoid having both boys at the same time for long holidays as much as possible. They both need individual needs meeting and both struggle with the other one sometimes. I know all families do.

They are both such strong characters, both with such different flash points, both with such different outlooks on life, and the gap is going to keep growing as they develop so differently. I have faith in the AC that he will develop more patience and calm with T-Boy, that he will learn to ignore, or forgive T-Boy's behaviours and outbursts. I can have that faith because I know that J and I, and He-Ex have the same direction for his upbringing. We want the best for him and from him. T-Boy is being brought up by his mother, and she is content for him to be a baby for the rest of his life.

It's in all the little things. He's 10. He's never wrapped a present, or dried up the dishes, or washed his own hair, until he got to here, where we all help, and where the AC has been in charge of his own hygiene since he was about 6. (Under supervision til he was about 7, but he's more than capable now!) T-Boy has no responsibilities, and doesn't know how to be responsible. He's never gone anywhere without his mother, or other significant grown up - not even run on ahead to school and they live 3 minutes walk away from their school! He's never helped make a cake or a cup of tea. He's never run his own bath. He's never brought the milk in, or wiped a kitchen side.

He's done all these things now, and most of them in the last year. But it all gets undone as soon as he goes back to his mother, and gets a virtual nappy put on.

Ah well.

Normal yesterday, work today...

2011-12-30T09:37:00.001Z

Photos from yesterday.....

I made bread. I nearly always make bread. I have a lovely breadmaker which does all the hard work. I was hoping to investigate recipes for bread this holidays, but no such luck!

Dishwasher of loveliness, which saves me so much time and effort, and whirrs away happily in my kitchen!

New shoes and odd socks. Always odd socks. Life is too short to match socks.

New shoes. I have size 3 feet, (US5) and so it can be tricky to get shoes in the sale. But these ones I did! £15! Yay!

My duck feet. they have to go inside my shoes to try and correct my hip displacement and so that should mean that my cartilage doesn't just tear again. But I think it's on it's way.

Last night Sher came round, and I made fajitas and for the first time, I made my own salsa! Hurrah!

This is what I want to play with today, thanks to the lovely J.

However, I'm having several of these.....

And facing this. I hate being a responsible professional sometimes........

I don't know how the caption thing will work lol!

The Aloha Friday question is "Any blogging goals for 2012?"

The short answer is yes!
The long answer is that I need to blog, I need to get the words out of myself and onto paper. I'm going to have the camera on me or near me as much as possible, because photo blogging could help me to focus. I'm going to do meme's like Aloha Friday so that I carry on writing when I'm stuck, because I need the release that writing brings. (Ok, now I sound like a hippy!) I might every try vlogging!

I just need to find some more meme's (one for each day, and suggestions would be cheerfully recieved) and the button for Aloha Friday.

Photo post!

2011-12-29T07:59:00.001Z

I just felt like sharing normal life. I'm going to take pictures of normal life over the next year - I'm kind of looking for a meme if anyone knows of one - but I thought I'd start with today.

Well. Not today, as obviously today hasn't happened yet.

These are pictures from the last few days.

J's Christmas presents - Mork and Mindy. He's a salmon boa, she's a pastel boa, and both are adorable!

John Doe, a dot dash California King Python. He's a bit grumpy, but calms quickly for me. Doesn't like anyone else though, and this was the first time he'd properly locked on.

The AC getting his Scotty's Little Soldiers present. It is an amazing charity set up for the children of the fallen by a military widow. There's a whole back story there as well, but suffice it to say the boy-child was amazed by his present.

This photo shows two things. One is the traditional (in England) Christmas cake, with nativity. The other is the gap between the t-shirt of the child and the trousers of the child as yet again he has grown out of clothes. Currently I keep 3 t-shirts and 3 pairs of trousers (aside from school things) as he is growing so fast that to by more is simply a waste. And you can see his waist in this picture! He's also proudly wearing a Royal British Legion wristband. He has spoken to his teacher, and he puts it on her desk at the start of the day, and gets it at the end. This enables her to still restrict the use of "shag bands" which are currently all the rage amongst the more sheep-like of the school population.

And the cake. Oh the cake. The cake! It was gorgeous (though I says it as shouldn't) and was dark and moist and dense and much enjoyed. Admittedly I used ready made marzipan this year, and ready to roll white icing, and I shall never use that ready to roll stuff again. Bleugh to handle!

Flyboy. He's now on helicopters and an indoor plane called a Vapour. It is a joy to see him learning and focusing. He looks bulky in this picture. That may have something to do with the 3 t-shirts and a long sleeved top that he is wearing. I'm only guessing......

He goes to his fathers today for about a week. He's back to me on Tuesday night, ready for school to start on Wednesday morning. I am proud of the fact that his father and I can manage a reasonable relationship, and that I can honestly say I have never stopped his father seeing him. The AC will come to his own decisions about both of us as he grows, and I would hate to influence that for good or ill when it comes to his father.

So that's a quick trip through the last few days.

More tomorrow - the meme search begins!

Peace and quiet

2011-12-28T13:34:00.002Z

The boys are downstairs, on the computer games that they bought with their money. I am up here, on this.

There are several things that come to mind from recent days, but mostly it's something that T-Boy said last night. We were watching a film, (one where there is a plane crash and it's a prison plane and Tommy Lee Jones is in it, and it might be called U.S. Marshalls, but it might not lol!) and the plane crashes into a river and flips over. Some of the prisoners cannot escape because they are shackled in to the plane. There is a shot, where there are drowned prisoners hanging upside down in the water. T-Boy said something, then added "And all those ones are asleep and not even aware that the plane has crashed!" and laughed at the surprise that those people would get. We have known for a time that he has no concept of time and how it passes, but now to see and hear that he has no death concept, at 10, is a revelation.

It explains how he can be so unaffected by the films he has seen in the past - Final Destination and all those types. It explains why he doesn't understand when the AC cries for Rich, as he does every now and again. It explains why he doesn't worry about people - in his world, nothing bad happens. There is no future to consider.

Part of me despairs of him ever growing up enough to be a big boy. Already the AC is his match for height almost, and certainly above him academically and emotionally, for all that he is 21 months the younger. The AC has resigned himself to the fact that life is different when T-Boy is here, less free, less independent, because whereas the AC thought he would be getting a bigger brother to lean on a bit, he has what is effectively a younger one, who needs protecting.

On the other hand, part of me envies the T-Boy for the innocence that he has in this regard because I would give the world for the AC not to understand death in the way that he does. Yes, it's made him stronger, and independent and his own person, but at the same time, I would almost wish for the unsullied eyes of my child on his 6th birthday, before it all went so badly wrong.

His eyes are deeper now, are clouded at times with remembered despair. One of my favourite photos of him shows this so perfectly. Although even this photo is 2 summers old now.

No time for maudling thoughts now though. I have things to do, places to go, people to see - and a kitchen to clean lol!

2011-12-27T09:17:00.000Z

Christmas was lovely.
The children loved their presents (3DS each) and the AC was especially made up by his Scotty's Little Soldiers present, which turned out to be a TV/DVD combo for his room. He knows he's so lucky, and is so grateful.

We came back last night, and T-Boy was sick on the way back in the car, all chocolate from the amount of rubbish he'd eaten at his mothers. I don't know what to do about his eating this week, whether just to leave it, or not. I might. He might just have sausages all week lol, and we'll eat properly. But then that is just reinforcing that if he makes a stupid massive fuss then he can have what he likes. On the other hand, why should I bust my backside to help him when his own mother isn't bothered and doesn anything for a quiet life?

I'm hoping that we hear from the pension people this week as well, about what is happening and whether the AC is entitled to anything or not. It's not about the money, it's about him being accepted as part of Rich's life. The She-Ex has got everything else financial - except the bills lol! I-t-B took the ashes and I don't know where they went to. We have the memories, and Thetford, and the joy of being properly loved by him. As accounts are levelled, we have the best bits lol!

Anyway, I'd better start the daily battle that is breakfast. AC can't stop eating at the moment - growing boy! T-Boy won't eat - and isn't growing. AC is almost taller than him. I want to help him so badly, but I just can't. Maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I just need to let him carry on and get ill from malnutrition.

Could you though?

2011-12-24T07:47:00.001Z

The AC is playing World of Warcraft. It's something he and Rich used to do together.I'm icing the cake. We haven't decorated this year because we're going to be away and the world was a busy place and we just never did lol, but we will next year.Yesterday Joe dropped his Scotty's present down to the house, and the AC's Scotty's hoodie. He had to have the 9-11yrs one, at 8, lol, but it looks fine and suits him. As he said he's proud to be a member of SLS, although, like all the others, he wishes he wasn't. SLS is amazing, and has been such a support for the AC.And now to the cake! Millions of things to do lol!

Solstice

2011-12-22T17:49:00.000Z

Today is the solstice.

Or yesterday.

I think it depends what you think. Anyway, it was today for us.

Carefully, I did nothing, except write on his FB wall.

Nothing except suddenly hear J telling people at his work how careful and thrifty and fabulous I am in the kitchen. About how the custard and cake I had taken to his work woul dbe the first thing he's had out of a tin in months. About how good my cooking is.

It was so.... affirming, I suppose. I love that he respects what I do, and loves me.

I'm so lucky I can be in this place again in my life, differently, but with a wonderful man who cherishes me.

I still cry, randomly, for the life I should have had, for the children I should have had, for the relationship with BG that I should have had. I know I won't hear anything about the advent calendar I sent this year. (If I knew it was getting there then I'd put something in it for her to buy herself a present, I have no idea what a 9 year old girl wants lol!)

The AC is checking the curtains every 5 minutes to see if J is home. This is a really random post. I can't get my feelings onto paper at the moment. It's like a physical blockage in my arms or something, like I'm choking in my nerves.

Well, now I sound like a fruit loop.

More sleep is probably in order, and maybe some relaxing! I'll try again later.

2011-12-21T16:05:00.002Z

When will I learn?

There are several things that I need to learn.

1) Just because it has been 9 months since knee surgery does not mean that I can run on this leg, nor yet walk quickly for the nearly-2-miles that is is from town to here. Do not try it.

2) Just because it has been 2 years and 5 months since Rich died, does not mean that the computers in the world have caught up yet. Do not be surprised by random letters demanding payment. Do not be surprised when it hurts to see his name in print. Still.

3) Just because you know the house always looks worse before it looks better does not mean that you should allow it to look worse, on the grounds that eventually it will look better. Do not expect improvements unless you get off your bottom and do something about it.

4) Do not think that you can eat a Burger King meal as well as chilli cheese bites and get away with it. You will feel nauseous. You cannot eat that amount. That is why the AC always eats your chips. And most of your burger. He has hollow legs.

So now I'm sitting here, feeling a little sick, with a sore knee, but with almost all of the Christmas shopping done. HURRAH!

Flying tonight, then bed, then Thursday will bring Rachel, and Friday will bring the AC's Scottys Little Soldiers present! Woooooooooo! He is very excited (but Evil Mummy says he cannot open it until Christmas Day). He will, however, be getting his Scotty jumper tomorrow.

He's also playing WoW again. This is a big step..... I'll write more about the AC's progress through grief another time. It needs writing.

Knock, knock

2011-12-20T21:56:00.001Z

So I'm walking back into my blog, listening to how my footsteps sound on the dusty floor. I've always thought my blog had a wooden floor, and then a big rug in front of a fireplace, with some squishy comfy chairs. The chairs have been dustsheeted in my absence, by the blog fairies, so that I can just walk back in, pull off the sheeting, and sit down. I kneel in front of the fireplace and methodically arrange the newspaper, then the sticks, then the coals, in the same way that my granfather taught me so long ago.

So long ago.

It feels strange to be back here, and to know that I'm having to make an effort to be here. I've retreated so far into my own self in the last few weeks that reaching out seems like an anathema to all that I am. But I cannot shrink any further - without imploding into some kind of white dwarf star and having more mass than size. So instead I have to reach out, spread outwards again.

What have I done since October 10th?

Stuff. Nothing major. There's still stuff coming for Rich. I've dealt with DVLA again, with the Child Tax people, with a few more debt collector notices. I've dealt with it, because I'm tired of it, and clearly no one else is dealing with it, so I'd better.

School is school. I'm going on a course every Tuesday for 6 weeks. It'll be good. If it's not good, then I'll drag the good bits out of it. Choir have been fantastic, and it's been noticed that they have improved drastically since I've been involved. It's quite soul-nourishing in many ways.

Home is lovely. We're doing really well with lots of things. J and I are in the front bedroom now, and although it needs wallpaper and so on, lets not be picky lol! I'll be moving the AC's room into the middle room, and his room will become the reptile room.

Oh yes. We've now got 6 snakes, from the original 3, and they are all gorgeous. I bought J a pair for Christmas, baby boa's all of of 8 inches long, one salmon, one pastel, and they are stunning and friendly. Both are now properly eating, which is good.

Now though, now I'm tired, and so it is time for me to sit in the warm leather chair, gaze into the wood fire, and drink tea, whilst thinking my own thoughts.

Itwillallbefine.

Weekend blues

2011-10-10T06:03:00.002+01:00

I've worked through the weekend again, marking and planning and so on. The problem is that we were away, which means I was doing it without the internet which makes things twice as hard. T-boy is becomming more and more miserable and this weekend was just not in a happy place at all. Hopefully we'll go to the meeting and we'll find out what's been going on at school that is making him so negative about it. This weekend, even his grandmother said he was moaning and complaining more than she had ever known.

Maybe it's me.

Maybe I am the problem. Deep down, I know that I'm not, but as far as he is concerned, I am. His mother is prepared to let him do what he wants, eat what he wants, be what he wants. If that involves spending all day in front of the tv and the computer games, and eating crap, then so be it. At least he's quiet, as far as she's concerned. I don't know.

I know we went for a walk yesterday, much against his wants, and he monked and moaned all the way around, and then told his grandmother I'd been annoying him.

I probably do. I mean, I expect him to have manners, speak politely and like the 10 year old he is, to eat what is on his plate without a fuss, and to join in with the family. The AC has had enough at the moment, and doesn't want to engage with T-Boy if all he is seeing is T-Boy being horrible to everyone that AC loves. I can't blame him, although I do tell him off when he is not polite to T-Boy, because we have to lead by example.

T-Boy just doesn't seem to care though. I know he's had a different upbringing, and a different work ethic installed, and a different life to the AC, but he just doesn't care.

I'm praying. I'm praying a lot. We worked so hard over the holidays, and he got so much better, and how he's gone backwards and it feels like we have to start all over again. He's coming for half term, which I am glad about, because it's more chances to get some decent food into him, teach him how to live life like a human being, and not like an ego-centric baby, and to help him grow some more.

I;ve arranged for the AC to go away from the Wednesday. Technically that could be seen as me putting the T-Boy before the AC, but I know that the AC will be happy to spend time with his father and it will reduce the tension in the house if he spends time away from the T-Boy. AC will just blow at some point, and whilst I couldn't blame him - T-Boy is deliberately annoying at times - I want to avoid it as it doesn't show T-Boy how to be a better person.

It could be worse. It has been worse.

Again with the hiatus.....

2011-10-06T07:24:00.000+01:00

And it's again with the break.

I don't understand my relationship with the blogging world at the moment. I am connecting more with real life I suppose, and the awareness of who I am, of what I want, of where I see myself in 5 years, all of that is changing.

The rug-pulling post is, I suppose, my starting point. That change in who I am, of a mother of many-who-are-small-and-growing to a mother of one-who-is-big-nearly has rocked my world in a massive way. In many ways, it is distressing and emotionally traumatic to think that that side of my life is over, and that those dreams are gone. It is almost like a bereavement, of a grieving for those who I never knew.

In other ways, it is almost liberating to have a blankness where those dreams were, to now think "What shall I put there?" Almost like when we were little and grownups said "What do you want to be when you grow up?" and we didn't know what to answer because the world was the mollusc of our choice - we weren't even resticted to oysters!

So I'm typing in my kitchen, listening to the dishwasher, and to BBC iplayer, and to the washing machine, and I'm thinking "Who am I? Who do I want to be? Where do I want to go? What do I want to do?"

Anything.
Everything.

Except work in the sewers. I've never wanted to do that. Too much underground.

Sinking into a quiet place.

2011-09-22T06:32:00.002+01:00

I've been in, and am in, and will be in for a while, one of those spaces.

The quiet ones where I'm gently pottering along and everything makes sense and life is made to be good, and I quietly suceed at things, and emotionally I am waiting to see what will happen, and on the outside I am serene. Serene and calm. Serene and calm and under control.

Again it is September. We are heading to the second birthday with noone to celebrate it for. We are heading to the 6th anniversary of the BG being taken away in the way that she was, deliberately from her father and so that she never saw him again. Obviously the She-Ex had no reason to believe that Rich would die, but she made no effort for the BG to come here, was very discouraging about us going there, (and I firmly believe that the person who removes the child for their own selfish reason has the moral responsibility to enable the relationship between the child and the abandoned parent to continue to be important. Rich and I, and now J and I, have always worked to make sure that the AC has a good relationship with his father, no matter what his father wants lol!

Oh.

Looks like I'm still bitter about the theft of his relationship with his daughter. Oh well. I'm sure she'll think I should have got over it by now.

Work.

LAters.

It's a rug pulling kind of day.

2011-09-13T06:39:00.000+01:00

Rug pulling.

As in, out from under my feet.

Yesterday I made a joking remark to J about children, only to end up with, after a few moments, the most unequivocal "We are not having children!" that I have ever had.

I cried. I bawled my eyes out. This is the second most painful thing that has ever happened in my life.

The worst bit, is that I know he's right.

I want to have more children. I'd have a houseful.
He wants to be able to do the things he wants to do, without anything tying him down and getting in the way, we can't afford the childcare, and certainly can't afford for me not to work, and we have two sons between us.

So if at any point my emotions would like to get in touch with reality, that would be great. If not, well, buy shares in Kleenex people, because I'll be going through a lot of it.......

It's not all about you.......

2011-09-12T06:16:00.001+01:00

Now this is a potentially offensive post to those of an American nature, and I'm sorry if it is, but it's also my blog and how I feel.......

*hug* to all of you. (No, that's not the offensive bit!)

Yesterday was, all over the tv and the radio and the papers and the country, a 10 year memorial for 9/11.

Face book was full of reminding people to remember, or pointing out that this person or that person hadn't forgotten.

Remembering 9/11 is a good thing. Remembering people who died, realising the horror of their last moments, is a good thing. Especially, to my mind, paying tribute to those on the plane that downed itself. That group of people prodded buttock.

But what happened to America that day was a wake up call that she as a country wasn't impervious to terrorism.

Britain, specifically England, had known this for years. 25 years of what we gently and with typical English understatement, called "The Troubles".

1974 was when the first bomb that killed and injured people went off.
The last was in 2001.

In between times were the atrocities at Omagh, at Deal, at Eniskillen, at Newry, and so many other places. In between times were pipe bombs, knee cappings, intimidation, and terror.

Now, I am not comparing the deaths of 11 at Eniskillen with the deaths of 2606 at the Twin Towers, nor the 125 at the less remembered Pentagon, but over the 25 years 3466 people were killed in "The Troubles."

I'm not saying that it was worse for us. It just.... was. It was what it was.

But how many of those deaths can be laid at American feet? (Yes, this is the potentially offensive bit. I'm sorry, but it's true.)

Fundraisers for NORAID, for the American Ireland Fund, even down to hat passers in bars across the country raised massive amounts of money for Sein Fein, who *are* the IRA. Those Americans with a fondness for The Old Country, with a need to go Back To Their Roots, are just as responsible as those who raise money for the Taliban. Clinton's decision to get politically involved had more to do with reaching the the Irish-loving voters in his own country than with a need for peace in beleaguered Belfast.

The 2711 deaths in Afghanistan since Operation Enduring Freedom began, are a sign that because it was America that was attacked, we all got together to address the Taliban threat. But when England was under threat, for 25 years, we were told, by the Americans, that we should give in to them, and our attackers were supported by them. Yesterday, Obama said, in the midst of an excellent speech, that the past 10 years had shown that America does not give in to fear. And yet American expected, wanted, and fundraised for Britain to do just that thing.

Now, the world is a different place then to now. I'm not sure, I don't know if the IRA fundraisers still operate to such a level, although I know that America's political emphasis has, of necessity, shifted away from us and is on their own problems.

I do know that I joined the silences yesterday, that I remembered the dead, and also those injured who live with their memories daily, and those children who, like the AC, had a daddy or stepdaddy or mummy or step mummy who went to work like they always did, and never came home. I do know that without 9/11, my life would have been very, very different, and one day I'll explain why.

But yesterday was also caused a change in attitude for America, about them taking terrorism seriously, and for me, whilst I thoroughly despise anyone who uses the innocent to prove their own point, that has to be seen as a good thing.

*hug*

Please don't be too offended.

And we're up!

2011-09-09T06:13:00.001+01:00

Up out of bed.
Up and in a lovely mood about my lovely class.
Up in weight to 11st4 (154lbs) and I'm not letting that get to me lol!
Up in love and joy and happiness and so forth!
Up in my organisational skills and the idea of "just getting it done"

Mood is, for me, a matter of determining my own attitude. I decide, because what I decide influences 1 small person on the way to school, (2 after we pick up his friend on the way) 28ish small people all day at school, and a world around me.

(yes, I do know how arrogant and selfcentrered that sounds, but if I smile at someone and get a smile back it just might brighten a day for someone more than me snarling because I'm in a bad mood!)

But these days I have work to do in the mornings. *yawn* and I love it.

- Posted using BlogPress from my fabulous iPad

2011-09-05T06:31:00.001+01:00

*poke*

New interface. Hmmmm

And back to school today. I'll tell you about it later.

Struggling.....

2011-09-02T09:06:00.000+01:00

Ok, I'll 'fess up.

I'm struggling with a lot of things in my life at the moment. None of them are massive, just irritating. Just things I should be able to do, and I'm not. Or things I am always doing and noone else is and that's not fair.

That kind of feeling.

Winge, moan, I'm-a-martyr type stuff.

So.

I've been successfully using the Home Routines App, and I'm adding Habit Hacker to it, because we all know I need to be told to do stuff or I don't do it lol! Or rather, I need to be reminded to do it, or I forget.

I'm going to formally assign jobs to J and the AC as well. We all make the mess. We can all clean it up. (Hey, you have to believe in something right......)

I'm a good girl

2011-08-24T13:51:00.002+01:00

I've been into school and done a couple of hours work.
I've eaten a salad, some low fat yoghurt, and some low fat Rich Tea biscuits.

And now I need a sleep.

A sleep.

Mmmm.

Sleeeeeeeeeep.

Mmmmmm.

1 down.

2011-08-23T06:30:00.000+01:00

And yes, before anyone says anything, I know that 1lb weight loss is hardly anything in 3 days, but it's a significant start for me.

Part of me is sad today.

I know that the holidays are on their way over, because it's after Ru's birthday, and so I'm starting to get up at a proper time and do things that I have to do in the right time for a working week. Already the washing machine and dryer are on. I have to get a new tube for the strip light in the kitchen today, and then I could do other things early as well! I know it's partly so dark in there because apparently summer is over today and we are into thunderstorms. I like them.....

I also got a bargain yesterday - large chickens £2.50 each. If I'd have had the freezer space then I would have bought a lot more. Yesterday we had chicken breast, mashed potato and peas. I'm on a bit of a mission to see how far I can use these chickens, with them as the only major protein in a meal. Today, with the left over roast bird, I intend to strip the bird, and then use the cold meat for sandwiches, chicken and mushroom pie, (freezer) and chicken and bacon pasta sauce (freezer). I'll also roast the other bird, (Or see if I can fit it into my slow cooker) and then strip that one when it is cold, boil all the bones for stock and make soup for the freezer as well. I've got sausages for tea tonight, because I think J might get fed up with a diet of pure chicken! I might do chicken salad for tea though, and sausages tomorrow. Who knows!

The AC is still away, and was very excited last night to hear that J has got his 'A' certificate, which means he can now teach the AC to fly planes, and means that the AC has now inherited the Discovery. We've also decided to get the AC a new bike from the tax money, when he gets back, so he has the end of the summer to enjoy it. I need to get him fitted for a new helmet as well.

Later we're going up to the concert, and then just mooching about I think. I'll be cleaning through briefly before I do anything else though, and then that's another day of the holidays gone! Time to think about work really......

I've been thinking about starting a teaching blog, but I need to think about the anonymity aspects.

In much more serious mood, there's talk now that Red Four was killed by a bird strike, and that he could have ejected but chose to stay in the plane and keep it up as long as he could to miss the houses.

None of these RAF boys are just a monkey in a suit, as some would tell their children.

8lbs to start with.

2011-08-20T08:39:00.000+01:00

Hmmm.

The Physioterrorist was right.

I've let myself go whilst the knee has been unusable.

I am currently about 160lbs or 11st 6. This is heading into lardsville for someone who is only 5ft3 tall. Or me.

I am not happy with this. I am not. I went up to a size 16 once, and lost 2 stone all when Si moved out. I lost another stone and a bit more when Rich died, and went down to just over 10 stone. Now, according to the BMI chart things, I should be more like 8 st 9, which is 118lbs.

Yeah.

That means I'm looking at a weight loss of around 42lbs. That's about 3 stone. 3 STONE?

I was 8 st 6 once, when I was 21, and a student, and I didn't like it. I was very bony and uncomfortable, so I'm not aiming to go down to that.

I know where a lot of it has come from, and it's snacking. I never used to snack, and now I do. I snack on crap as well. I need to cut out the snacking. I have a lot of empty calories in my diet - sugar in tea etc. I'm already on decaffeinated tea, accidentally, and I'm going to aim for less tea all over, more water/juice and no sugar in my tea. I suppose what I'm looking for is a lifestyle change, as opposed to a diet, if that makes sense. Initially, I'm aiming for 8lbs. I'm keeping my targets low and achievable. I'm using the Wii mostly - Wii Fit, and My Shape.

This isn't out of vanity, although I never, ever want to get to the 225lbs that the She-Ex was, and I hope she's slimmed that down for her and BG's sake, it's because I need my joints to work and be supple and carry on working. They are in a rubbish state, and I need to keep them as good as possible - I have a son who needs me to be fit and strong and healthy. I've struggled with back and joint pain all of my life, and the idea of it getting worse is just .................. well, it isn't going to happen nicely, so I'm not going to let it take me easily. I was told at 21 I'd be in a wheelchair by 30 and never have children. I have a gorgeous son, and I'm 36 and not in a chair and I'm not going in one any time soon. Don't worry, nobody has said I will, but I've lived with that prognosis for 15 years, and it's always in the back of my mind. The Grace of God has got me this far, and I'm not giving up on my joints now.

I'm just not.

I'm

Just

Not.

If you feel led to pray, then please do.

Busy doing nothing!

2011-08-18T14:11:00.000+01:00

Well, not nothing. I'm rarely doing totally nothing.

Today we had to wait in until the Fed-Ex parcel came with the watch that J is having from the TaxManMoney. Only it came at 8am, which left the rest of the day free!

AC and I have pinned the snakes and ladders onto the snakes and ladders board quilt top, and the intention now is to baste them on, then machine stitch them with a zigzag stich once I've practised a bit!

I realised today just how many of Rich's pairs of jeans were in the cupboard, waiting to go into another denim quilt. I'll do it, one of these days, and keep it safe for BG.

She must have gone back to school in the last few days. I hope it's all going well, that she got moved up properly, and that she's happy.

Anyway, before I get maudlin, I feel a cup of tea, a small snoozette, and then I'll clean the kitchen, sort out some more quilting materials, and be a happy bunny.

Laters people.

The Good Stuff.

2011-08-17T06:00:00.000+01:00

There has also been a lot of Good Stuff over the last 3 weeks as well.

Little Good Stuff includes T-Boy eating a variety of foods for the first time, some glorious weather, friends who Help You Out, and so on.

Big Good Stuff includes the fabulous wedding of my fabulous friend, the lovely making of lovely stuff, and The Surprise.

The Surprise came at the end of last week.

I was opening the post, as one does, and found one from the Taxman. It was thick and had 4 pages of writing and numbers in it that meant Not a Fat Lot. However the last page, at the bottom, had "Repayment - £2880.72" Well, my heart sank like a stone. Where are we going to find almost 3 grand?

I opened the next envelope without thinking or looking and took out the contents - a single sheet of paper. "Dear So-and-So, I am pleased to confirm that according to our calculations you have overpaid your taxes for the years 2005-2006 and 2006-2007 and enclose a cheque for £2880.72"

And there was a cheque, made payable to me, for that amount!

Can I get a whoop whoop?

In the space of 30 seconds I had gone from despair at the idea of paying back 3 grand, to elation at the idea that they were paying it to me! Needless to say I phoned J, and sent him a picture of the cheque, and he is over the moon. We have decided that there are a few things we would like to get - he would like a new watch (it arrives on Friday!), the AC needs a new bike, and me?

Um. Well.

Actually, there's not a lot I would like.

As a joke, I showed him a picture of the new Bernina sewing machine, and he was amazed at the price - he thought I was joking when I said I could chop both of my machines in, use all the money, and still have to put more to it!

I need a hoop for quilting with. But that's about it I think!

Don't worry, I'm thinking about it.

Yesterday though, the AC and I stayed in ALLLLLLLL day and did next to Not a Fat Lot. I finished the background of the snakes and ladders project I'm on now, and then he watched and I slept through Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. He would like to go and see The Zookeeper today, but we'll see.

I'll let you knoe, Dear Reader. And it is nice to be back.

If you can't say anything nice.......

2011-08-15T05:51:00.000+01:00

....... say nothing at all.

That's what my mother taught me.

I've tried to stick to it. Sometimes I forget - the She-Ex is a prime reason why I forget sometimes, and oh my word have I struggled with that since I found something in her email folder to me. (Yes, my email sorts into folders when something comes in. No, I don't check all of them all the time. Yes, I should.) That's for another day though.

We've had T-Boy here for 3 weeks.
We took him back yesterday, and it wasn't until I woke up this morning that I realised just how much stress he was putting on me, on us. It sounds so mean, so nasty to say something like that about a child who isn't 10 for another month, but he was.

In the last 3 weeks, he has been snuggly, he has been polite, he has been quiet, he has been a good boy.
In the last 3 weeks he has screamed, shouted, refused to eat, refused to go out, refused to come in, refused to go to the park, refused to have a bath, refused to have a shower, refused, refused, refused. The AC ended up wanting to hit him because he was being so rude to me. (He didn't, btw) He has turned down food that he has previously eaten and enjoyed. He has played up in front of my parents, in front of my brother and his family, in town - he had an actual tantrum in town. A proper shouting at me, kicking things, crying tantrum. We get them every day, but always at home, and almost always as a reaction to something I have said or done, but this was a proper tantrum in town. Needless to say he didn't get his own way and we had a horrible rest of the day until J came home, when suddenly T-Boy was all sweetness and light.

To be completely fair to J, he always, always backs me up. These days. He didn't used to, and that was ok, because he was hardly seeing his own child (stupid selfish ex-wives again!) and he wanted that child to have a nice time whilst he was with us, and J was tired after a long, long day at a work he didn't enjoy, and didn't want to have to come home to a battlefield. This time, he has backed me up and it has made a major difference. It will continue to make a huge difference. T-Boy is horrible to me because I am firm with him, unlike his mother, and I am thinking about the bigger picture - what kind of adult will he be if he doesn't stand on his own two feet now? Things he has done for the first time with me include drying up, running his own bath, and having a job to do every day. These things aren't his fault, it's his upbringing, specifically, his mother!

When T-Boy is lovely, he is loveable, and likeable, and fun to be around. When he is feeling unhappy, and attentionseeking, and determined to be the one in charge, he is still loveable, but he is not likeable. I explained this to him - I love you, but right now I don't like the things you are doing - and sometimes he understood, and sometimes he didn't. So we ended up with a sticker chart. At nearly 10. It mostly worked, although I had to fix it to make sure he needed to eat dinner at Grandma's to get the last sticker and so get the prize. AC has one as well, and is loving it. He hasn't had a sticker chart since he was 3.

But AC and I now get a few days together, and then he goes off with his Dad for 5 days, and then we get a few more days together, and then he goes off with his Dad for 5 days and we go back to school. The lions share of the holidays has gone.

Today we plan on not doing a fat lot.
Tomorrow we might go to concert in town and do lunch somewhere.

And tomorrow I shall tell you of the Good News that we had this week. I'm leaving it out of this post, because this post is almost just moaning, and I'll put the good stuff separate.

Waiting.... waiting......

2011-08-05T09:59:00.002+01:00

I'm waiting.

For the Gasman.

I'm not supposed to even make a cup of tea. I think I will though - it's been an ongoing problem, so I think a cup of tea will be fine. OF course, if I blow the whole house up, I'll be irritated - I have just cleaned the bathroom!

Sleeepy!

2011-08-03T10:51:00.000+01:00

And it's entirely my own fault!

I stayed up last night watching "Ghosts on the Underground" on Discovery or History or some such channel. I didn't realise it was on +1, so I thought I was going to bed at midnight, and actually I was going to bed at 1 am! Then I was up at 5am because T-Boy had a nightmare and was in our bed, which meant J had rolled over onto me, which meant I was squished into the wall, which meant I woke up!

We are midway through the three week session now, and I don't know if things are getting easier or not. So,e days they are, some days they aren't.

Right now though, the boys are playing nicely, we've been to Tesco and back already (before it gets too hot!) and I'm relaxing on the sofa before doing something complicated.

Like basting a quilt.

Not been so well then?

2011-08-02T18:28:00.000+01:00

I had put the lack of attention to this blog down to a number of things.

End of term.
Busy.
Rich's anniversary.
T-Boy visiting.

You know the kind of thing.

And then I was thinking about how I've been feeling. Miserable. Sick. Headaches like you wouldn't believe, where I can't move my head or even look at anything. I've put on almost a stone, because I'm always hungry, but eating rubbish. I did some digging.

Last time I went to the doc, about 4 weeks ago, give or take, I went to get my usual prescription of Marvelon, as my birth control of choice. The computer said to give me Gedarel instead. It's cheaper. So I obligingly got it, and took it, and all was well, but these are listed side effects from it. I phoned the nurse today to say "look, these are the things that are happening, what's going on?" and I was given a prescription for Marvelon quicker than I could blink!

We'll see what happens, and I'm starting the Marvelon tomorrow, but after 5 days off of it, I have to say, it's good to feel almost like my own self again!

You and I, we have a lot to catch up on!

Last Day of Term

2011-07-22T06:19:00.000+01:00

Today is the last day of term.

The weather is dry, sunny, and warm.

The view from the back window is the same as two years ago, the same as last year.

The world is a very different place. The world then was warm and loving. The world last year was painful and confusing but hopeful. The world this year is hopeful and although it needs bread because I forgot to pick some up (and I may use wraps instead) it is now a place where I can look forward, and not backwards.

This summer I shall mostly be sewing.

No, really!

Everyone else can get knotted for a few days/weeks/monthandahalf because, dammit, look at this.......

2011 - is now, and I am going to sew.
2010 - spent the summer cleaning J's house. Long days, stepchild who disliked me, and so on.
2009 - no idea how I spent the summer, unless I read this, which makes me cry. Not a good summer!
2008 - my sister got married - weirdly absorbing a lot of summer lol!
2007 - decorating here, renovating kitchen, and so on.
2006 - moving in here, cleaning old place, cleaning here, basic decorating,
2005 - Summer of AC's dad leaving.
2004 - Summer of moving to Marham from Benson
2003 - Summer of newborn baby!

So yes, indeed, I will be sewing! (and baking, and doing laundry and so on!)

Extended break!

2011-07-21T07:04:00.000+01:00

It looks like the break carried on lol!

It wasn't intentional, it was just that the end of school got me. The 2 year anniversary got me. Life has got me. Netmums slightly got me. Britmums got me. AC got me.

You all know how it goes - most of the people who read this are working mothers. Some work in a job, some work in the home, some have no official job but have small children at home, some have none of those things but no time to sit down anyway!

I promise, normal service, or whatever passe for it around here, will be on again soon. End of term tomorrow.....

BG's blog

2011-07-06T06:39:00.000+01:00

I wrote on BG's blog last night. I'd done her an e-card, for Independence Day, like I always have done, and on the 4th I sat and looked at it thinking "Do I send it? If I do, will it spoil her day, rather than add to it? Will it spoil it because she will be reminded of her Daddy, or because her mother will go ballistic at the sending of it?"

So I didn't.

But I wrote on her blog, so that she knew I was thinking about her. She isn't reading it, I know, but it's still there.

In other news, it is new intake parents evening tonight. There are 4 new children coming to the school from the local infants, and I am having all of them, and therefore I am doing the parents evening. It'll be lovely, because it always is, and because the new parents have chosen to come to here. However, it'll be late, and so I'm doing sausage casserole. Nummy!

I'm not feeling great at the moment though. I've had a change of pill (unrequested, and courtesy of the NHS budget system!) and I'm feeling vaguely rubbish. This is a bad thing as I have a student who is in to learn from me about teaching! Work to do now then.....

*hug*

Just wanted to fling a hug out there to all you lovely peoples!

*hug*

"We were on a BREAK!"

2011-07-05T06:43:00.000+01:00

Not J and I, the blog and I.

We've been on a break since last week, and it's been ok. I haven't been to any other blogs, I haven't read anywhere, I haven't written anywhere, I haven't even looked at anyone else's profile. I may have looked at a couple of blog posts via email, but that doesn't count - we were on a break!

And then last night J read the blog. Lots of it. Not all of it, but lots of it. I don't have a problem with that. There is nothing on here that I am ashamed of, nothing I feel I need to defend, nothing that is a lie. She-Ex has said that she will show the BG the blog one day and show her what I am like. I told her that was fine, there is nothing here I wouldn't stand behind, and nothing I wouldn't happily talk to the BG about. It wasn't me who cheated on my man, in any way. It wasn't me who neglected the marriage. It wasn't me who neglected the house or the child. It wasn't me who ran away. Rich and I did nothing wrong except be together.

I'll stand by that.

I'll stand by J and I as well. We might have been surprised to be together, we might not have been expecting it, we might have a complicated life at times, but it is a good life and it is full to the brim of love and respect and care and appreciation and fun. (And phwoar-ness, but it's a family blog people!) We talked afterwards, about how neither of us had ever expected to love again, and not as much as this, and not in this way.

Weirdly, I am claiming to be a very lucky girl.

Today it hurts

2011-06-26T08:16:00.000+01:00

Today I am missing him so hard.

Last night I cried. I looked at photos that a mate had put up on FB, of us all at Uni, in the days when I was going to marry Steve and live happily ever after. I realised I had told Rich about these photos, but that my copy had gone astray, and so he had never seen them. Suddenly I was overwhelmed with all the things I'll never see him see. Most days I believe that he sees what he wants to see. Too many things happen that are "co-incidence" for him not to be around. But this ache to tell him something we'd laughed about, to hear him laugh when he looked at them, to hear him tell me I hadn't changed, suddenly got me last night, and I cried. It's that best friend part of him that I miss.

And partly I cried because I loved the fact that J laughed, that he asked how old I was in these photos, that he told me I was sitting on the laps of lots of different lads (I hated the chairs in the Wall Hall Bar, and never sat on one if it could be avoided - and I also love hugs!)

Ah well.

Laters.

work, work, work

2011-06-25T07:23:00.000+01:00

Work.

It's the cause of a lack of blogging, a lack of lie-ins (not that I believe in them anyway!) a lack of rest, a lack of time, a lack of cuddles and a lack of baking.

But!

It is the cause of my own home, providing for my family, enjoying my children, the chance to do cool stuff, being financially secure and solid things like that.

I know pride is a sin, is what comes before a fall, and so forth. I know that hard work is it's own reward though. I look around me and I can see it. I am not a miserable bitter woman who is trapped by the past, nor am I a depressed single mother on benefits with no qualifications and no job and no way to get either.

I am, however, a tired woman who needs to do more work.

Laters people.

Laters.

Parade Day

2011-06-22T17:28:00.000+01:00

Today was Parade Day.

Oh, it has an official title, but the children and I love it as Parade Day. We've been there every year for 5 years, both as a RAF WAG, then with Rich away, then as a bereaved fiancee, then as a RAF WAG again, and this year as the girlfriend of a retired RAF lad. I will always go. The children will always come with me.

We used to be the only school there. Last year there was us, and another school. This year there were three schools. Well. I say there were three schools. There was also rain. Because there was rain, one of the schools, with bigger children than ours, were ushered off inside somewhere. Hah. They missed the flypast. Only 4 of mine missed the flypast, because they didn't have coats OR jumpers. Really? Who on earth sends their child to school on any day in what the She-Ex used to call "drippy old England" without at least a pacamac? Especially with the weather we have had recently? Really?

Anyway, the rain came just as the lads had formed up. We put coats on and carried on clapping and cheering. Then we saw the front line of the rain come surging across the market place where the lads were stood, without moving. Did we run? Nope. I told the children to brace themselves and stand firm. When the RAF ran, we would! It was over in under a minute and the blazing sun was out again. We took coats off, and watched the RAF lads steam gently as their wool jackets began to dry. They paraded, we clapped and cheered, and the world was a good place.

We walked back, and on the way we were stopped by the Radio people, who were chatty, and the children were chatty, and then by a lovely chap in uniform. He thanked the children for coming and was lovely with them. As we walked up, we asked an SAC and it turned out to be a very high up chap. I won't put it on here, clearly, but it was fantastic and the children were very impressed. They want to write to him. Poor chap...... :-) He asked why we were there and the children had all the right responses, and then he asked about the rain, and was told by the children "Greyfriars don't run until the RAF do!" which made him laugh!

We came back to school and played and had lunch and talked about why we go and what it means.

They will always go. It's not just about the Parade and the band and so on. It's about being there to show we support them, and we love them for who they are and what they do and why they do it.

In my not-so-humble-opinion, if a person can't be bothered to go to Parade, they shouldn't be in Englnad. After all, if you can't stand behind our Forces, feel free to stand in front........

I'm crying.

2011-06-21T05:58:00.000+01:00

It's a tough week this week.

It was Armed Forces Flag-Raising yesterday, and it's Parade on Wednesday. It's SATs week. It's Sports Day. It was Fathers Day. It's a million things. It's everything.

So it's also 5.30, and I've emailed Nikki from Scotty's Little Soldiers, and I've cried whilst I emailed her, because it's lots of things for her as well. Lee died the week before Rich, and it's coming up to anniversary for her and her children, just as it is for AC and BG and I.

I have to man up and get on with it. No-one else is going to support my family except J and I, and I'll be blowed if I'll let the government do it whilst I'm a functioning human being!

So to cheer me up, I've got several episodes of Texas Cheerleaders to marvel at the skills of the cheerleaders, and the insane attitudes of the mothers "We have to hope that someone gets hurt so that my daughter can get her spot." Woah! How does THAT work!

Vicarious living? I think so.......

See. Laughing at mad Americans. (Not the sane ones, they're ok, just the ones who are on reality tv!) That's what a girl needs to make her smile.

Honest.

See the smile.

:-)

Solid as a rock that smile....

Fathers Day

2011-06-19T14:37:00.000+01:00

It's Fathers Day in the UK, and it's the weekend that we are with Caroline and Danny and the girls to have the AC measured for his suit. That job has been done, so we went strawberry picking!

And eating. There was a bit of eating, it has to be said.

The AC found the peas patch. He loves veg!

But he picked strawberries because he's a good lad. He's picked them for J's mother.

The result!

I love this picture of us. He's struggling today with the whole Fathers Day thing. I don't blame him, I think it's only reasonable, and I am struggling some days as well.

We'll have to head for home soon - we'll have to drop T-Boy on the way - but it's all good and there's a simple matter of a roast chicken lunch first.... what do you think is for pudding?

I love nonuniform days.

2011-06-17T05:59:00.002+01:00

I am going to school in jeans! Love it!

The day before yesterday and today I've read PoPW and the first chapter really gets me every time. It's about changing me, and about saying "I'm the stubborn one, the inflexible one, I nag, he gets defensive, I am resentful, he stays away from me." that kind of thing. I don't nag about doing things, but I can get very stressy, especially at this time of year.

The second chapter is about his job, and about appreciating just how hard he works. I know I do more hours than him, and we have totally different kinds of jobs, but I need to respect his work more.

I'm about to look for today. I love kindle on iPad......

In other news we had the CSA letter through to say that what he will belaying is significantly less. Good, he's earning significantly less, thats logical to us! Whether Herself will see it the same way, I don't know. I don't much bother either. The AC's father pays such a small contribution towards the AC, that some months I forget it is there. But if he is happy for another man to raise and support his child, then that's up to him. Rich did it, and J is doing it, and the AC loves them both.

It's also 700 days, or 100 weeks or 23 months today. No matter how small I try to make the number, its still massive. We were so happy. J and I are happy now, don't get me wrong, but damn damn damn I miss my best friend. I could bawl for England right now. I won't - I have too much to do and I shall stiffen the upper lip and man up and get on. But right now..... Argh. No point in this.

Also in other news - it's non uniform today and I can wear jeans. Did I mention that?

But my best other news?

WE'RE GOING TO CAROLINES! Just for e weekend and to get the AC measured, but hurrah! This weekend, I need to see her. She's amazing.

Laters people. I need to go and PUT MY JEANS ON! Did I mention I can wear jeans to school today?

A change in perspective.

2011-06-16T06:32:00.000+01:00

I'm currently undergoing a bit of a change in perspective at the moment. I need to.

I've realised that, since Rich died, I have become harder, more independent that I need to be, reluctant to accept help for anything, because who knows when that help will be gone and it'll be just me again. That kind of attitude. It's not the best attitude. I am proud of the way that we didn't fall apart irreparably. I am proud of the fact that I single parent-ed with the best of them and my son didn't suffer for that, and his behaviour and his academic achievement and his attitude were none the worse for what happened. I am proud of the fact that I dusted us down, and I paid the bills, and I managed my life and my wages without having to go to the government. I'm proud of the fact that I didn't become an emotional cripple and I accepted the love that was offered by J.

But that pride is my problem. I am proud of those things because *I* did them. I need to humble myself, and accept help when it is offered, and be calmer in my soul. Because pride in those things comes at a price.

So I'm reading The Power of a Praying Wife, and I'm reading the first chapter over again, and thinking about me and changing me to make all of our lives better. I need to shed my old hard skin, and loosen up, loving more, listening more, talking less, grumbling less. Singing more.......

I'm also reading 31 Days to clean, which is also a faith based book, and looks at the Martha and Mary approach to cleaning and why we clean. I don't need help with the cleaning bit - I can clean lol - just the organisation of stuff bit. I've picked up some useful tips, and again, they are all about perspective.

Right.

Busy day today lol.

Flying again!

2011-06-15T05:44:00.000+01:00

We went flying again last night. I love flying. I'm not a stick jockey at the moment, not on outdoor planes, but I will be as soon as reports are finished. I miss flying my heli, although I am the first to say that I am RUBBISH at doing it lol! AC is excellent and champing at the bit to fly big planes. He has to wait until J has his 'A' certificate so that he can buddy lead him. Buddy leads are great because they connect two transmitters and the experienced pilot can allow the trainee to fly, but as soon as the finger comes off the button then the experienced pilot has the controls and can take the plane over safely. He loves his Ember though, and enjoyed his minium, but he wants to fly 50's. They are bigger than he is.......

And it's early. It's now 5.27 and I've been up for an hour. The question is, am I up because my head aches, or does my head ache because I'm up? Answers on a postcard? I have a long day of teaching ahead of me, a lot to get done, and I fell like stuff on a stick. And not the good stuff neither. I'm planning a day of tight focused work, and then if I start to crumble this afternoon, if the headache comes back then, I know that the children have their tasks. It's all good.

I will make it all good.

I'm also reading 31 days to clean, redownloading Power of a Praying Wife, just trying to get me head together, my quiet space time together, just get focused really. End of term is coming. The end of the academic year, and the anniversary of Rich's death. But for me, it's not about dates, but markers. That's the two year marker. Yes, the 17th of July matters, it will always matter, but for me it's every end of term, and especially the end of the summer term last year. It just hit me like a smack in the face at 1115 last summer term and I had to leave the room and fall apart quietly for a few moments. I remember the fear that swept over me, the pain and understanding what the word anguish meant. Will it happen again? I don't know. Will I be prepared for it? Yes. Will preparing for it make it happen? I don't know. I don't know.

I will make it all good. Rich and I used to say "It will all be fine". I look at the boys flying last night, and how much they love each other, and how much they love me and I love them, and how much love there is all over this house and support, and I know it will all be fine. Whatever the end of this year brings.....

Headache from you-know-where..... Not just because he's eight!

2011-06-14T06:41:00.000+01:00

So far this has lasted since Sunday, so I'm trying to reduces my computer time and see if that helps.

Something has to.

Aside from that it's been an ok week. The competition was cancelled on Sunday, so we stayed here and worked. As we were up at 0130am finishing off prep for it, I was not impressed lol!

In the good news so far this week though, the AC has been selected to represent school again in a sport competition on Wednesday. I'm not a pushy parent, although I am proud of him. Id never be a Texas cheerleader mom, but I won't stand in his way just because I'm not hugely sporty. In fact I'm really proud of him for being able to achieve in this way. He's also been told about an international competition for his KSW, but I'm not sure if he's invited to participate or watch. Either way, he's a good lad for staying focused on something like this at his age, and keeping his school work up together. Mind you, he needs reminding to bring things home on a regular basis, but now he's eight, I'm trying to instill in him that this is his responsibility, not mine as much any more.

It's hard going at times, but I know it's for the best for him. I won't have him grow up as some namby pamby baby whose mother is packing his bag for him at 10! Or leaving instructions for how to microwave a jacket potato at 38. And yes, I stopped seeing Mr Potato just after that point.

Anyway, the point is that the way I treat my child now shapes the adult who he'll be in the future. And I have a responsibility to do it right!

Which is why he got an Early Doors bedtime the night before last. He forgot a whole lot of stuff at school. He was told off for saying "Oh, you're being a bugger!" in the playground. I came down on him because I don't want him to think that kind of behaviour is acceptable! I know he was tired on Friday and off with his daddy. I know he was only playing around in the playground. He's not a baby now though, and I was *never* one of those mothers who thought kids swearing was cute.

Right. I have to get my act together. I might be helping with KS1 sports day today. Or I'll be working on reports. Or something. Lol!

Dulce Et Decorum Est....

2011-06-11T06:25:00.002+01:00

Two days ago was the 29th anniversary of the blowing up of the Sir Galahad and the Sir Tristram in the Falklands Conflict. The children and I talked about it, because we look at "This Day in History" on the BBC website. We talked about the burning ships, I told them Simon Weston's story and we looked at pictures of how this handsome lad.......

became this terribly burned man..........

became this survivor.........

working hard to make the lives of current soldiers better.

These, I told my children, these are the faces of war. This is what war does. Simon Weston was a Falklands face, this lad is an Afghanistan face, but they all did it because it was the right thing to do. We talked about how Prince Andrew was flying one of the helicopters that helped blow the lifeboats away from the burning ships. We talked about what it means to depend on your mates, to trust and hope and pray that it all turns out ok. I talked about Rich being away, and what that felt like.

On the 20th June, we shall go across to the Gardens, and see the flag raised for Armed Forces Day, and we shall stand and show our respect. On 22nd June, we shall walk up to town and watch the RAF Parade, and applaud these men and women who are so brave, who joined up knowing we were in a long and drawn out conflict in Afghanistan. I have told the children that anyone who we think, as a class, might find it hard to make the right choices, will be asked to remain behind. They'll have nice things to do, because it isn't a punishment, it's an acceptance of differences, but I told my class to look at Simon Weston's face, and understand why we were doing this.

If they were bigger, we could have read Wilfred Owen's amazing poem "Dulce Et Decorum Est" which is a gloriously descriptive way of looking at the frontline war in the trenches. If they were bigger, we'd watch the end of Blackadder IV.

But they aren't. They are 7/8/9 year old children, and now they know why we go and why we will always go, and why, when they are bigger, they should go on their own, why we have 2 minutes silence and how that will never be enough.

If we forget the lessons of the past, we are doomed to repeat them. I can't remember who said that, but they are right. We owe, and we must not forget.

Another Friday.

2011-06-10T06:25:00.000+01:00

Some people love Fridays.

I used to love Fridays. Lazy weekends with Rich and the AC, fish and chips for tea, and gentleness.
Then I went off them a bit. AC started sleeping over at his fathers on a Friday night. But Rich and I would have good nights in.
Then I hated them. Every Friday was another week without Rich here. Every one was another weekend that I was alone when he should have been here.

These days, actually, I could almost like them again. The current swimming set up means that we do art for 2 hours in the middle of the day, with plenty of music, we do library, and Show and Tell, and all the nice things that teachers get to do.

They start a weekend that goes one of two ways - either up the road to Leamington, or not. If it's not, then it's a weekend where we are AC-less, but where we get to go flying, do school work, bake, tidy, love, be together. I value my weekends in a way I didn't before the accident.

This weekend we are AC-less again, and there is a thousand tonnes of work to do tomorrow on reports and so forth, and there is a combat competition on Sunday, weather permitting.

It will all be fine. I was promised it would be, and I refuse to believe that it won't be.

Sleeping on the sofa

2011-06-09T06:32:00.000+01:00

I have come downstairs this morning at 5.15 am. I did the things I usually do, and went into the front room to find the AC asleep on the sofa. He had come down after me (the benefits of him having a laminate floor over the kitchen are that I know every move he makes lol!) and clearly wasn't awake when he did!

He is beautiful, my son. Last night his father dropped him off at flying, and the world was good, and AC was amazing, and J and he loved each other, and I loved them both, and the planes flew well, and there weren't any serious crashes and the world was indeed a good and happy place.

This morning he will spend most of it at The Walks, for town sports trials, and he may get through and he may not. He's a good runner, and a very fit and healthy child now.
8 years ago he was a bundle of black hair and hunger.
7 years ago he was a bundle of blond hair and dairy intolerance that we had just got the hang of.
6 years ago he was living through a break up.
5 years ago he was learning to love Rich.
4 years ago he was moving house.
3 years ago he was drawing pictures, taking photos, sending letters to Rich as he served in Afghanistan.
2 years ago he was just living and loving, waiting for the weekends to have days out as a family.
1 year ago he was grieving, and loving, and trying not to be what he called "a person who lets their anger out of their insides when it isn't anyone elses fault."
This year he smiles like it comes naturally, but won't talk about Father's Day. At all.

Today, he snores on my sofa, for no apparent reason, other than he can.

From my ivory tower?

2011-06-08T06:18:00.000+01:00

I'm watching Maury.

I'm waiting for BBC News to start and I don't like the morning programme that's on before it, so I'm watching Maury. It's the usual mix of shmaltz and DNA testing. Usually, there's a shouty chap saying he's not the father, and a shouty momma saying that he is. The DNA goes about 50/50.

There's a girl on there, Georgetta, who is testing the 13th candidate for her daughters father. 13th. That's a ten and a three, for anyone who thinks I've mistyped. She has had 12 shouty "I am not the father of that trailer trash ho's baby." type fathers. However all the time, and for the last 5 years, there has been this chap at the weekends, and his nice girlfriend, who has looked after the child, bought her what she needs and so on. They love the baby, well, the 5 year old, and they want to be a part of her life, even if they are proven not to be the father.

It's a refreshing change on this show. Not that I watch it a lot mind you. There's less shouting, less swearing, less name calling. Just a couple of people wanting to know what is going on.

And it's a no. The search goes on.

That means the next chap is number 15. What kind of disturbed woman drops her drawers for 15 men in the space of (let's be generous) a month? Assuming that 15 is the number and it's not chap number 20/25/30 that makes the grade.

I've always enjoyed sex. I prefer love making, and there's nothing that beats a morning quickie, but in general, sex is good. I've been with gentle, loving, caring men, who loved me, and whom I loved. I've never done the one night stand, the who are you in the morning, the drunk with a stranger thing. I've had several long term relationships, and that's where my sex has come from. I could tell you who the fathers of all of my pregnancies have been, exactly. The father of my boy is the worst of the bunch for a relationship, but he is a great father if you are a boy child. These days.

But just because I've been a serial monogamist, doesn't mean that I've had boring sex for 15 years. Just because someone has been with their husband for ever doesn't mean that they are having boring sex. It means that they are having a serious relationship that they value themselves and their man in. (Or their woman, I suppose. I don't really roll that way, so I don't know!) I don't believe in affairs, although I've been accused of several, and always by people who had, it turned out, been cheating in the relationship that they were having.

So is this Georgette just trailer trash? I have no idea. I don't know where she lives. Or how. I do know that she has 3 children with 3 different fathers, and 2 have no idea who their fathers are. Is everyone who lives in a trailer trashy? I don't know. I don't know why someone would choose to live in a caravan, and I know that BG did for a couple of years until they got a proper house. Is she a different person now that she lives in a house? Nope. She's still a child. Her upbringing is determined by more factors than where she lives.

In an idea world, I would have been with Steve, Husband number 1, for all of our lives. But for reasons not said here yet, we didn't. I rebounded to AC's Dad. He left me, and Rich and I got together and had the best times of our lives. He died, but didn't leave me alone, just as he promised, and there is J. All lovely men. All with amazing characteristics. 3 of the 4 were fabulous in the bedroom department. 1 was less interesting, but that was ok (and it's not J!)

But 14+ in a month? There's a word for that kind of girl. And it's unfortunately not a nice one.

Walking to school

2011-06-06T21:59:00.001+01:00

The blogging carnival is all about Keeping Fit with our children.

I don't *do* anything. Not on purpose. We don't exercise, we don't go to kiddie gym, we don't *do* anything specifically.

However, and this is the important thing for me, we walk to school.

It's 10 minutes if we walk.
It's 8 minutes if we get on with it.
It's 15 - 20 if we go the long way.
It's 35mins in deep snow. And no, the snow wasn't that deep, but it was empty and begging for a 7 year old snow angel. Or 9. And maybe a couple of 36year old snow angels as well.

The walking to school gives us much needed time when all there is to do, is walk and talk, keeping us fit in body, and mind and relationship. We were walking when he told me he was afraid of the dark. We were walking when I told him his stepfather had been killed in an accident. We were walking when he told me he wanted to be a pilot, an armourer, a model shop worker. We were walking when I told him Space Boy Sam stories, and when we played the sewer game. One day I refused to "jump down the sewer" and sneak to school, and instead we ducked around the Street Lights of Doom. We play all kinds of games - if you were a millionaire, what would you buy? If you could go anywhere what would you do'? Who is that person and what is their house like? We tell stories, hopes and dreams, fears and failures, joys and sorrows, in a way that we can't always do when we are looking at each other or when there are other things for us both to be doing, mummy things like cleaning, AC things like playing and homework.

We walk. We walk to town, we walk to school, we walk to Tesco, we walk and we talk.

Keeping fit in body, and in mind, and relationship. And as a bonus, it's free!

Another early morning....

2011-06-03T06:08:00.000+01:00

It's my half term. I have spent 4 days clearing The Pit, as I have come to call that room. It is lovely now, and I can see how much more lovely it will be. I'm not sure how hot it will be, as a room, but it is big, and it is bright. It is wasted as a bedroom.

The last four days have been very cathartic, and brought me to several realisations. Clearing it, making it ready for the plans that J and I have for it, means letting go of the dreams that Rich and I had for it. That's a good thing. I am in danger, in places in my life, of having a Mrs Haversham type moment, and that room was my formal dining room, of which I had great expectations.....

I am physically, and emotionally, very tired, and low on moral, but high on success. It's a heady mix!

And so to work. I have a terms worth of work to plan, and a set of reports to write. And we're away for the weekend.

Cup of tea, I think! Aways a good place to start.....

Dog-tags

2011-06-02T13:27:00.000+01:00

This was written on 31/5/11

And then I cried and didn't post it. So now I am.

*********************************************************************************

I found Rich's dogtags today. Both sets. I want to send BG one set, and keep a set for the AC, because that seems fair to me. I have no idea where she is now though, so I'll hang on to them until one day.

Looking at the two sets though, they make me proud. They make me feel honoured to have been part of his life. They make me feel proud of the fact that he served, and that we served behind him, supported him, gave him a safe place to return to, made his life easier, not harder. They remind me of every parcel, every email, every phone call, every msn, everything that we did to encourage him whilst he was away. I looked in his gorilla box today. A box that, last time we looked at it, he had just come back from the 'Stan. But I looked, and it still smelled of him, and still had his books in, and had every e-bluey, every card, every note, that I had ever sent him. Everything. He threw nothing away.

He has two sets because he finally persuaded the MOD to recognise his faith, as a practising druid. I backed him up all the way to get it done, and I always tried to support him in his faith. Just because it was different to mine doesn't make it wrong. There are no definites when it comes to God. He's not a tame lion.......

I've found photos of BG as a little one, of her just before she was taken away to the States, I suppose they are her passport ones, and one of the She-Ex as a youngster, with her mother. When she was younger, and less bitter, less hatefilled, she was a pretty girl. And she's younger than me, but last time I saw a picture of her, she looked older.

I've kept them all anyway, to go in her box. One day she'll get it. I've had no contact from anyone there, so *shrug* I guess they don't want anything of his and they want to forget he ever existed, unless there is money involved. But I've found some other cool stuff today that I hadn't forgotten, but didn't remember, like his armourers coin, and little bits of things like that. The AC is most impressed.

And more photos of him. And us.

Short points.

2011-05-30T08:17:00.000+01:00

* Writing BG's blog is becoming easier. I know she isn't reading it, although I know someone has been, on a very irregular basis. I think I know who one of them is, and I don't mind. I've written on it most days this week, and although she may not read it until she is about 50, the fact its that it is there.

* The skip is due any time today. I will make one last email attempt with I-t-B, and then I have done all I can do.

* The world is a busy place this week, but I won't leave it until the summer holidays, because I need to enjoy those lol!

* breadmaker is on, washing machine is on, dishwasher is about to be done, and life is good.

*AC chose to come home last night, instead of staying with his Daddy an extra night. His daddy is not impressed. I've told the AC that when it comes to extra nights, he can choose. He's 8 next Monday. He needs some autonomy over the mess the grownups have made of his life. I'll never stop him seeing his Daddy - lets face it, if I was going to do that then Rich and I would have moved to Benson!

* I have to get off my bum and do stuff!

I have been taught a lesson.

2011-05-28T07:42:00.001+01:00

Humbled, I almost cried in the AC's classroom yesterday. His teacher is one of my good friends, who understands what we have all been through, and loves and supports the AC in the best way - little bit of cuddle when he needs it, little bit of carrot, little bit of man up! Apparently *she* nearly cried when he spoke to her as well.

Regular readers will be aware that I have been torn over how much contact to try and have with the BG, how much to tell her in the blog and how to do it, how much I miss her and her being in our lives. Trauma, trauma, navel-gazing trauma.

Why do I call it that?

Because of my son's maths work.

They were asked, as a handling data exercise, where they would be in a Venn diagram of brothers and sisters. The Adorable Child wrote his name in the middle. Clearly, strongly, no discussion. He then went and showed his teacher, and double checked that step-families counted. She said it was up to him, but she would say yes. He told her he had a brother in Lem, and a sister in America.

All that stuff I was told about how it is only blood that matters.
All the stuff from the She-Ex about how we are nothing to BG now.
All the legal stuff, the vicious words, the painful conversations, the downright lies from the rest of them, and it takes a small boy to cut through the stupidness and show the truth.

My son may be an only child in blood, but in love he has siblings whom he loves.

I have been shown the way by a child. A child with an open heart and a loving sense of forgiveness.

I've started

2011-05-27T07:27:00.000+01:00

I'm not sure that anyone will ever read it, but I've started writing on BG's blog. So far there's one to say why I haven't written for so long, one about the first and last time I saw her Daddy, and one about the first and last time I saw her.

I was going to cut and copy a chunk onto here, and I might do later, but not right now.

Right now I'm going to go and have a good cathartic cry. I miss that little girl. I'm glad Rich can take care of her now, and I believe he always will.

Just a quickie!

2011-05-26T07:04:00.000+01:00

Oo-er missus!

I've spent the last two mornings of blogtime reading all the posts from the blogcarnival, as organised this time by mummy from the heart, and on the subject of imperfect parenting.

SO I've not written in here, or in the BG blog. I will catch up though, this weekend. Lots to do this week, and I'll be doing it on here!

Oo-er missus again!

Sleep is for the weak!

2011-05-24T06:09:00.000+01:00

Last night was a night when my body decided that sleep was for the week.

I've been awake, off and on, since about 1am.

Amongst the topics of thought (I nearly said conversation, but hmmmm. Better not lol!)

* what I will put in my letter to I-t-B

* if I will write said letter.

* what I will put in the blog posts to BG

* what I will leave out in the blog posts to BG

* why I haven't done any degree work recently.

* how much skip hire will be

* how much the Wedding of the Century will be

* how gorgeous my friend is going to look when she gets married

* getting married

* proposals

* what happened to Julian, and Steve, and Mark, and Other Nameless People from my past.

* whether I really want to find out.

* what kind of camper we will have

and so on.

There were others.

Well.

Two main others.

Babies and Rich. Rich and babies.

That came off of the "What do I tell BG" thought stream.

The difficulty is that she is 9 now, but may not be allowed to read the blog until she is much much older. That would mean that adult topics would be ok. But if she's reading now, then they are not. And the style of writing would be different. Although I found a comment on there that apparently they are reading it. Hmmm. They? Or just her mother?

Oh, the agonising! LOL!

I want to do the right thing. I want BG to have access to lots of stories about her Daddy, but without giving her mother the chance to bitch and say "It wasn't like that!" when it was. I won't badmouth her mother on there, I don't need to, and I don't want to. My opinions of her mothers "style of parenting" are that it is different to mine, and that's ok.

I wonder what she wants to know? But then I can't find that out without emailing her mother, and I haven't heard from her in so long now that I don't want to rock that boat all over again.

Any ideas? Any one else out there need to write a blog for the child of the dead man that they love but who wasn't allowed (by her mummy's actions) to see her Daddy for the last 4 years of his life? No? Just me then?

Ok.

More tea I think. Tea and fresh baked sunflower bread crust with mushed banana on it. Nummy.

And more sleep tonight.

Distraction and splitting time.

2011-05-23T06:55:00.000+01:00

I am distracted this week. I am. And I've worked out that to spend time on the other blog, for BG, I have to cut down a bit on the time I spend reading or writing other blogs. So what I have done is to start to have the blogs I *want* to read emailed to my yahoo account, because I can read that at lunchtimes or on buses or whatever, and then the ones I am not desperate to read but I enjoy, I will just catch up on when I can. I'm going to schedule a post for the next weekend that we are away on the blogs I have emailed to me, with links and everything (ha! I hope!) and that way you can see these fabulous blogs as well!

And yes.

Writing about blogs is a distraction technique for not writing about the weekend. It was fabulous in lots of ways. J and I are fabulous, AC and I are fabulous, J and T-Boy are fabulous, T-Boy and AC were fabulous. The mathematically minded amongst you will see who wasn't fabulous if you work out all the permutations. Yep. Go on. You can do it.

T-Boy and I were not fabulous.

I backed off this weekend. I didn't make a fuss about anything he wanted to eat or not eat. As a result he was let to eat what he liked. As a result, all of the work we had done over the last weekend was undone. Again he showed himself up in front of the others with his attitude towards me though, and I let it go.

I understand everyone else's point of view. Really I do. If I only saw the child of my heart once every 2 weeks for a weekend, I would probably indulge him as well, and avoid arguments and so on. I know it's easier for me because whilst I love him, it is not in the same way I love the AC - I didn't birth T-Boy, or raise him, or sit up in the dark nights or sing in the sunshine or whatever, so it can't be the same. I am not his mother. I do love him though, and I want the best for him, and if that means short term pain for long term gain I can live with that. I've lived with it all my life, I can do it for him. I honestly believe that the others want the best for him as well, but they want it now, not in the future, and the best for them for now is a happy T-Boy, not a healthy one later on. I understand, I do, and so that's why I backed off. I want J to enjoy his time with T-Boy, time Rich never got with BG, because even though both mothers were so self-centred at the time as to move the children without consideration, at least T-Boy is still in the country.

I just..... oh I don't know. I suppose I want a miracle, and it's not going to happen this weekend.

Maybe when he comes for the half term, or in the summer if he doesn't come for half term. If he doesn't come, then I'm getting a skip and emptying the top of the house. Oh yeah! Anything of the She-Ex's can go - she took all she needed she said. It will be hard because a lot of the things that Rich kept will go as well - like back copies of MachineMart and that kind of thing. They are no use to anyone, not the kind of thing that BG will want, and so they can go. Yes they can. Yes they can. Yes they can. Yeah, it's like that......

And school for a whole week, then holidays for a whole week, then school for a whole 6 weeks, then holidays for a whole 6 weeks. If you look at it like that, it could be worse. Except I really like this bunch of kids. But I said that last year, and the year before, and the year before, and and and and!

Laters peoples!

Confessions of an Imperfect Parent, age 36 and 1/4.

2011-05-20T06:15:00.000+01:00

I could go to a meeting.

I could sit around the circle.

I could stand up at my turn and say "Hi, my name is Sarah, and I am an Imperfect Parent."

Oh yes. I could.

The She-Ex used to accuse me of perfect parenting. My favourite insult, and one that continues to make me laugh, was that I thought I was Mary f****** Poppins. LOL!

I parented then, and I do now, in the way that seems to make most sense to me. AC was an extended feeder (2.5yrs), he was cloth nappied and fed homemade food. He never had a jar of the insipid rubbish that the baby food manufacturers claim to be nutritional and tasty. He was consistently disciplined with a choices and consequences approach, and this was consistent right from 9 months to now. He sat by walls if there were no stairs, and we talked about his behaviour afterwards, and about my response to it, and how we could change things next time. Obviously that was a developmental thing because he was such a late talker! I answered questions when he asked them as fully as I could, never, ever using the phrase "Because I say it is." He had a story every night.

I can remember getting flack though, from the She-Ex, from Rich until he saw how it worked and used it for himself with BG, from mums at the toddler group, from my family, about how hard they thought I was on him. How I should remember he is only little. How I needed to appreciate that he was only a child. How I should accept x or y, because "all children do that." How I should just let him watch tv if he wanted to. How putting him into an empty bath to eat when he was learning to use a spoon and it was baked beans for tea was bad parenting. (I thought it was very practical myself!) How I should leave him with other people more. How he was going to be a baby all his life.

And now I look around me.

I can take him anywhere. He is well mannered, polite, and loving. He can talk with adults or children, and is responsible and understanding. He loves without limit, and he reads without stopping. His reading age is now almost 2 years up from where it should be, and he knows how to use the internet for research, but also to be judgemental about what it says. He watches tv, but mostly Discovery, History, or Phineus and Ferb. He has survived a dairy intolerance, repeated croup, divorce, step-parenting, sudden bereavement, learning to love again and to take that risk. He is working through his problem with writing without condemning himself. He knows that sometimes the answer is no, and sometimes it is wait until payday, and sometimes it is yes. He is a confident child who expresses his feelings in a responsible way. No, he doesn't always have the right P.E. kit, or books, but he is taking responsibility for that, and knows that we are still not back to how we used to be before the accident, before his 6 year old life fell apart, and we won't be, we'll just be differently good at different stuff!

And yet I cannot seem to do this for T-Boy. He's been in my life for over a year now. I've applied the same consistent boundaries that I do with the AC. I've applied the same expectations, the same discipline, the same encouragement, the same input of educational answers. I treat him in the same way as I do the AC. They both get to choose the tv programmes, in turn. They both get to choose the story, they both get to choose what's for tea in the holidays, and to help make it. They both get to choose where we go to play, in turn, and the AC has gone from being an only child to being part of a two, to having an older brother, to travelling 2.5 hours each way to see the T-Boy, and accepts it with his usual equanimity. T-Boy has always had an older brother, so has always shared.

I know full well that they are different children, and that even different children from the same parents behave in totally different ways. I'm a teacher. I know this thing. I know that even identical twins are separate people with different needs and ideas. I don't expect the boys to turn into carbon copies of each other after a year.

But is it unreasonable to expect good manners? To expect a 9 year old to use a knife and fork? To expect help with household jobs and with cooking the things that *they* have asked for? To expect a child to take some responsibility for his own actions, his own possessions, for the words he uses?

Do I expect too much because AC is so able to do all these things because that is the way he has been brought up and because of the person that he is? IS that the issue? Do I expect a 9 year old to be more capable than a 7 year old? Well, yes! I do!

Perhaps it is these expectations that are reducing me, Dear Reader, from the dizzy heights of Mary F. Poppins, to the depths of Imperfect Parent.

The question is, what do I do? I offer to help T-Boy with things, he refuses, but then cries because he can't do it. I let him choose what he wants to eat, and then he refuses to eat it. And so on. Ad Infinitum. But please don't think he is a little toad, because I know that he is not. I know he is a loving child, insecure because his mother ripped him away from his father and moved him without considering what it would do to him (and yes, we've been here before!) and that his mother refuses to let us have his reading book at the weekends, so he can't read with us, and so on. I know how sweet he can be. How sweet he used to be.

When he's been here a week, he'll eat what he's given with the some of the usual fuss but not an all out tantrum. He'll do as he's told, he uses good manners, he helps in the house, he reads to one of us daily, and he is a lovely child, as long as his Daddy is around, and he's even quite lovely when he's just with me. When we just have him for the weekend though, things aren't like that.

I'm dreading going up there this weekend. Today. I'm dreading having him for the half term holiday even more. I'm dreading that feeling of failure, the arguments, the food issues, the tantrums. I'm dreading not being able to go out when we want to, or where we want to. I'm dreading the stupid American tv that is on (Pair of Kings, Hannah Montana. Really? You're 9!) Even now I am sitting here with the feeling in my stomach that makes me want to throw up, I am so nervously apprehensive.

So there we go, group. My name is Sarah and I am an Imperfect Parent.

22 months yesterday

2011-05-18T05:59:00.001+01:00

I don't know why yesterday was important. I know it was 22 months, but I have had practice at going through the 17th of each month. I've done it 22 times. Yesterday though, I cried. I cried in school, (no, not in front of the children) I cried through the afternoon when I was at home, supposedly doing prep, but actually drinking tea and crying, I cried last night, and I cried yesterday morning.

I wept silent tears of missing my best friend pain. He understood me, in a way no one ever has, and he said I understood him better than anyone. People who didn't know our history thought we'd been together for years and years, because we were so in tune.

I think watching Sixth Sense on Monday night had something to do with it though. That was a fabulous film, but the end, oh my, the end. I won't say why, in case you haven't seen it, but it seared through me. I cried like I hadn't for a long time. Noisy sobs, and thankfully J understands, and misses Rich too, but in a different way.

And then yesterday as well I had a lesson observation, which went fine, except I mispelled a word on the board, like a dimwit. DilemMa. Two M's. Doh.

Today is stretching out in front of me, unsullied as yet by tears. I think it'll stay that way. I hope. No, I don't hope, I insist. It *will* stay that way. There is too much to do!

And speaking of so much to do and say, I will have one last go at contacting I-t-B I think. And then the things that are here that he wanted will be redistributed to where they can do most good. I think that's fair. I have to work past his betrayal of us, and see it as the act of a desperate man, trying to do his best for everyone. His complete ignoring of us since is harder to work through, as that is not the act of a desperate man, and just looks like the act of someone who knows he was wrong in his behaviour, and justifies it by just not being around.

And so to work. And making cake. And writing.

Video blogging, and other thoughts,

2011-05-15T08:24:00.002+01:00

I liked video blogging yesterday, it was simple enough to do on my iPhone3Gs, and it uploaded quickly enough. But.....

But......

The anonymity is GONE! In most of what I talk about that's fine by me. But is it fine for my child? On the other hand there are already photos and so on up here.

What if the format changes? Already I know people who lost beautiful things when VHS went DVD. How will changes affect it?

I can't pick it up at a later date to carry on, or reread bits to see if the words are what I wanted to say. Bt the. Should I be self censoring? I know we all do in a way, but should I be when the blog is about what I think and feel?

Will I end up like Jackson on Emmerdale? Talking to myself! Does anyone have the time to watch video blogs if, like me, they can read quicker than other people talk?

It won't be private in the house - at the moment I can blog anywhere and the others assume I am working!

Maybe it.s not all or nothing though. Maybe it would be something I could do when I'm alone, or just wanting to see where the thoughts take me. Maybe it's an ideal way of blogging about her Daddy to BG, not that her mummy would ever let her watch them.

I shall think about it some more. What do you think?

Rock and rolling along.....

2011-05-13T19:58:00.001+01:00

We're in the shop. I walked down to meet J because I knew they'd end up modelling tonight if they want to fly tomorrow, so I phoned, picked up chips on the way for everyone, and came down.

To get chips I had to go past where Rich and I first lived. I moved in there when I first had to leave the married quarter that AC's dad and I lived in. Rich was a very frequent visitor, living there by the end almost, and we had some good times there. It was very tiny, but it suited us. It was where the Landy's were delivered to, and where I first made pasties for him. It was where we cried together about the end of our marriages, and where we both realised just how badly we had been taken for a ride by the people that we loved. It was where we talked over how we had been betrayed by them and where we realised that we were the only people we could trust.

It was where we realised how we felt about each other.

******************

I had to stop there, and have a cry, and wrap myself in the memory of how much we loved each other. He always told me how much better I'd made his life, and how much it meant to finally have an 'other half'. One of the things that was said after his death was that we'd never had a bad word to say about each other, and that this person had often wished for a love like ours.

And now I'll have to write about something else. Or I'll cry again. It's not a reflection on J and I, we're concrete together, and our life is good. But Rich was such an amazing man, and a wonderful friend, and they don't come along that often.

**********************

In other news, I tried video blogging the other day. I've got to work out the technical aspects, but I think it could be the way forward. Not today though. Today I have a to-do list as long as my sofa!

- Posted using BlogPress from my fabulous iPad

Exhausted but struggling on

2011-05-10T06:36:00.000+01:00

I am such a martyr lol!

The AC has had his first grim cough for over a year. Last night was the break night though, which means that it should just get better from now.

The nights are.....

Night of Suspicion - is this cough deepening?
Night of Dread - This is *that* cough - we are up, off and on, bed is propped, juice and so on put by the bed.
Long night - we are up, most of the night.
Night of Exhaustion - we are up, most of the night.
Break Night - the coughing comes in shorter stages, with an hour or so of uninterrupted sleep in between. This marks the beginning of the end!
Maybe night - he might cough, he might not.

In the past he's had suspected croup, suspected whooping cough, suspected bronchitis, suspected trachealitis, and no one is really sure what it is. What I know is it used to come every 6-8 weeks, and this is the first time in a year.

The weekend wasn't restful either, as I worked almost all of it, and struggled with T-Boy, who, thankfully, played up in such a way that everyone else saw it too. Some people suggest the origin is the mother, but I don't see it myself. *throws hands up* who knows!

Anyway, it's my half teaching day today, so it's not all bad. I'm away to town afterwards to put money in the bank, and sort out a few things. Just got to shift this headache before I go in with the children this morning!

My moment (5 minutes thoughts to paper exercise)

2011-05-05T06:19:00.000+01:00

I wrote this last night, whilst trying to work and actually watching the flying instead.

#################################################################

I’m supposed to be working. For a moment, I have stopped, and opened a new page and am just letting my fingers think for me. I’m sitting in the car whilst the lads fly planes behind me, and I’m not working, I’m listening and looking.

It’s amazing what details one can see from inside a car. The huge variety of greens, even in one kind of plant. The shiver of a grass stem when I would swear there is no wind. The glint of late evening sunshine off of a plane wing. The sound a Zaggi makes when it takes off. The blue of the dusking sky and the shimmer of the clouds that wisp across it, less of a threat of rain, and more of a mention of water droplets. The silence inside the car, where there is just me, and the clock, and the keyboard, and the faint sound of voices, and the engine of a plane, and suddenly I realise that this is not silence at all, that even though I have come to the car to be alone, instead I am surrounded by sound and sight, and I am reaching out through the blog to the Unknown Reader and in fact we are never, ever, truly alone.

Touchtyping my way, feeling not blindly but with faith in my fingers, faith that they know what they are doing and that they can bring the words from my sleeping inner self out into the world, birthing the prose carefully, lovingly, into a harsh atmosphere of criticism and yet hopefully, those same fingers craft the words that encourage others.

Disturbed by responsibility, I provide snacks, and juice, and pull the keyboard back onto my lap again. The moment is almost out of my reach, but I close my eyes, my ears, my thoughts, and just rely on touchtyping to stumble it’s way into my mind again, hooking the words that ache to be released, and letting them into the sunlight once more.

It is cooler now, and the sky is darkening. The pile of work is calling, and I know that soon there must be teas, and bedtimes, and cuddles, and the warm darkness that is a loving home at night. Tomorrow there is working, and hospital, and prodding and poking and an all clear to come, and a return to work and an extra tutoring lesson to provide the treats of the summer, and washing and cleaning and cooking and working some more.

This moment though, filled with planes and voices and the-silence-that-is-not, this is my moment to savour, like a hot tea on a cold evening, or a decedent chocolate on a warm blanket covered sofa, or arms of love wrapping around me late at night. Just a moment, but mine.

I love Bank Holiday Weekends.

2011-05-03T06:22:00.000+01:00

It was a fabulous weekend.

Aside from forgetting all the clothes, the naked man, the sick niece, the bread that disappeared at Tesco, the mallet issues, not sleeping in the tent at all in the end, the vuvuzeulas, the postcode issues and so on, aside from all that, and a few things I've forgotten, it was a good weekend. I will blog it up properly, because it's worth the telling of, but this morning I just don't have time.

This morning we are back to school for Four Whole Days. FOUR! That's the most I've done in over a month lol! Except I'm actually not back at school for FOUR whole days because I have to go to the hospital on 5th May for my check up. I'll have to make a list of what to tell him I think. It's all good, unless I go to put a lot of weight on it, and then it feels a bit wobbly, but I think that is just the muscles needing to man up after months of not being able to move them properly.

I've also entered my first giveaway this year. I don't get to do many of them, because a lot say they only post to the US and Canada, and I don't live in those places! This one is UK based though, and the blog is one I read anyway, so it was all cool, over at Mummy from the Heart which is a good read anyway, so I have no problem putting it on here.

Aside from the Doc, and Voting on Thursday, at the moment there is nothing exciting going on this week. The weekend may or may not be spent in Birmingham, depending on if I go to the conference or not. I have to decide what I'm doing about next years MEd course soon. I just don't know if I can handle the work level. Well. I can as long as I think I can I suppose! And I think I can, I just don't know.

IF that made sense to you, hurrah! LOL!

There's so much I want to say right now, but I can't, because I am out of time, so hopefully I'll be blogging later.

Laters! (and apologies for the bitty post!)

Red White and Blue...

2011-04-28T07:00:00.000+01:00

Today we are heading to school wearing red, white and blue in honour of tomorrows festivities.

Tomorrow, instead of watching the wedding, I will be travelling to Devon for Nanna's 90th. We will be camping. J is not massively happy about 7 hours driving each way (it should only be 5.5, but it's the start of a 4 day Bank Holiday, so *shrug*) AC is looking forward to camping, and to seeing lots of other people, Nanna is probably looking forward to being 90, I don't know!

I'm feeling a little *blearh* today. It's just tiredness and a general feeling of what am I doing in the world, and it comes and goes. I know what it is about at this time of year, and I'm kind of ok with that. I can't change what happened, so I have to just ride the rollercoaster each year. Interestingly, the coaster starts to flatten out a little more each year, but it's all good because there's usually some other massive bump inserted into the coaster to keep the thing going!

And now it's 7am, and I need to drag the child up from his pit, make sandwiches, fold the clothes in the tumbedrier, and sort the dishwasher. House doesn't keep it's own self!

See. *blearh*

First Day back? Countdown begins.....

2011-04-27T06:45:00.000+01:00

It sounds really odd to say that on the first day back my children and I started counting down to holidays. I needed to impress upon them how long we had left, and how much we had to do in that time. i.e, Not Long and Lots.

But it was good. Tiring, but good. Going back in Spetember always exhausts me, and this has been a bit like that I think. The children were lovely, but noisy, as this particular class are, and they worked reasonably hard, but will work harder today. Oh yes.

This week is not a seriously difficult week anyway.

Tuesday - Teach in the morning, Prep time in the afternoon (which I actually used for prep!)
Wednesday - Teach in the morning, school talent show in the afternoon.
Thursday - Teach in the morning, swim in the afternoon.

It's amazing though, considering how close I live to school - i.e. I can walk there in 10 minutes if I *don't* hurry - how much has changed without being mentioned. Like my swiming time. And the talent show times. And the passcode for the door. And the registers. And someone is leaving (not desparately sorry, although I'm trying to be. She hates the child that she is with, so she's better off doing something else, much better for him) And the topic for next term has changed beyond all recognition from what we originally talked about.

Oh well.

Today we shall work out the costings for the mini wedding reception the children have been asked to organise for Friday. Apparently the Queen didn't fancy going to the main one and doing the Macarena all night, so her Saturday butler, Ivor Lotowork, was talking to me on Facebook on Sunday (just after the corgi had been sick on the red carpet and the chef had thrown a fit because he can't get enough red jelly for the puddings for Friday) and I volunteered the children to help. They have a little catalogue, a list of things to order, and they have to work out how much they need to order, and how much that will cost and so on.

Then we shall read some more of our book, "The New Girl" about bullying, and we'll talk about the reasons why people bully, and what we can do about it.

Then we shall make our passports ready to travel around the world and get them stamped.

It's all good!

Reading the book has made me consider my actions though, and how bullying works in the adult world.

The She-Ex is a bully, when it comes to me. There was something that she wanted (Rich) and she wasn't going to give up hurting me until we had split up and she had got him back. But I'm an adult, I can control how I feel, and so I could stand up to her. After the accident, when she wanted a Death Certificate, and was bullying me constantly about it, verbally abusing me, I was less able to control how I felt, and always, always being able to time something nasty for when there was a big event going on. Like this, just before the inquest.

bg has the blog she will have that
you however are no longer important to her life.
you are just some slag he slept with for four years.
sorry, hate to tell ya that
but you and ian can kiss off

both of you wanting to take the ONLY THING bg has of her father
nuh uh...not happening

At the time I had no idea what she was on about, and it turned out to be the medal, which neither his brother or the She-Ex deserved, in both mine and the RAF's opinion, but next of kin is next of kin, so that's where it went. But I didn't need verbally abusing on the Thursday before Monday's inquest. Previously to that, I'd had to have other people filtering my emails from her, because she was so nasty. Grief is a funny thing....

Anyway.

I need to be sure that the things I say are not verbally abusive. I know that there were times when I stood up for myself, but I've just looked back and I rarely swore, and only (most humourously) in posts that started with things like "Yes, I'm having a go at you"

Ah well. She's out of my life now. Unfortunately, that means BG is as well, and I still love that child, and always will. She will always be welcome to talk, to stay over, heaven's, she could LIVE here anytime. Her mother isn't a bad person, just let the bad stuff out in my direction too often, made some bad choices and had to live with some stinking consequences. I'd be angry if I'd messed up my child's life as well.

In other news, we have our stairs back! I have freecycled all the rolls of carpet that we had on there, and now 2 children have new bedroom carpet, someone's cabin by the wood has lots of hallway carpet and a Big Rug, and the offcuts have gone as well. I will get there. We will have a lovely, lovely house once more.

But now I have to get the child up, make sandwiches, get clothes on, and go to school. Laters people!

On immigration

2011-04-25T08:24:00.000+01:00

No, this is just something I have to get off of my chest. It was started by St Georges Day, but it's been brewing for a while.

St George's Day celebrates the life/death/patronage of St George. It's a day to fly the English flag, to be proud of who I am and where I come from. As Al Murray said "British by birth, English by the grace of God."

I love being English. I love England. I love the food, the weather, the landscaping, the way it all changes. I love the neatness of such a small place where anything over 3 hours away is A Long Way. I love having one chart show, the Queen, leafy suburbs and rolling countryside (I don't massively love the oilseed rape that is all over the countryside, however!) I love free healthcare, free education, the Welfare State and the right to vote. I love the class system, unofficial though it is, and the idea of Old Money and New Money and there always being the ability to change ones class by working hard, but always retaining ones roots. I love owning my own house, and that being as a given, and houses being made of bricks and mortar, not caravans that don't travel being called houses. I love the organisation of queuing, the manners of taking turns, and the fastidiousness of the true English gentleman or gentlewoman, who sits at the table to eat, never eats in the street, uses a knife and fork, and always has a clean hankerchief. I love the religion, and the fact that our differences are seen as eccentricities by both sides, but acceptable in the eyes of God. I love that the Queen is the Defender of the Faith, that the Royal Air Force, the Army, the Royal Navy, all swear to defend our shores but actually, those hard working lads and lasses will defend anyone, anytime, anywhere, because the English don't like bullies. I love the inherent Englishness of England and I could go on forever about it.

Does this make me separatist and a racist though?
Does this make me hate everyone else who isn't English?
Does this mean that it's ok to be racist towards me because I love my country?

I'd say no.

I know some people who are sepratists, and racists, and hate everyone who isn't like them, and who love their country. They aren't English. They are Lativian, Lithuanian, Indian, American, Russian, and a myriad of other people and languages and cultures and religions who are over here because here is jobs, here is free healthcare, council housing, free schooling, acceptance of who they are, what they believe and so on. Here, we are so accepting, that a massive Mosque can be built and given planning permission where a church was refused. Here, we give homes to immigrants, and our Armed Forces personel leave the force with nowhere to live. Here, we provide education and healthcare to immigrants, and the English slip further and further down the queue. Here, we provide translators for non-English speakers, and our Special Needs children do without. And yet here, we are called racists, accused of doing something because the other person has a different colour of skin, and yet race goes so much deeper than that.

The She-Ex, for example, is white American, and one of the most racist people I know when it comes to the English. That's the English for whom her "husband" fought. The English who are paying her "widow's" pension every month. The English who offered her somewhere to live so that she could stay here and her half English daughter could get a decent education and see her father. She is unbelievably racist against the English.

Or a couple of the children I have previously taught, their parents are, to my mind, racist and separatist. After 5 years here, we still had to provide a translator, because they didn't speak English. Classes, FREE classes, are provided but no. After 5 years here, the children still told me that their parents hated England, that people picked on them because they were Latvian. When I investigated, it wasn't the English children, it was the Lithuainian children who were shouting abuse. When I put it to the head as a racist incident, it wasn't called that, it was called cultural differences. I put it to you, Dear Reader, that had the aggressor been English, or the victim non-white in skin colour, that would have been called what it was. A racists attack.

So where does that leave us with immigration? We are losing our inherent cultural identity. Being English, we are, as a nation, fine with that, apparently. We aren't rioting in the street like the Arab Nations, or banning clothing like the French, or closing our borders like some of the European countries are considering. We aren't bombing people like the Irish do (and are trying to start up again, God Bless the minority of Americans for supporting them out of some bizarre genetic nostalgia!) We aren't devolving like the Scots and Welsh (who the English still support financially) We are just carrying on, regardless.

We have a few minority groups, such as the British National Party, who the rest of the country disapproves of in a very English way, but we allow them to stand for parliament, and local council and for the country to express it's views through and organised and traditional manner.

And me?

I don't see why I should have to support anyone who won't work, who won't learn the language, who just wants to be here because it's all given to them. Not those who can't work, (the Englishwoman in me supports the underdog!) but those who won't, whether born here or not. I don't see why I should have to give resources to those who don't need it, just because they are culturally different, when the indigenous population goes without.

I don't see why I can't say "I'm English, I'm proud, if you don't like the country and the way we live, there's ferries at Dover and aeroplanes all over the country. But if you do decide to stay, speak the language, get a job, contribute to the English community you have chosen to be in. Be here, but speak English, defend her shores, and don't expect to be given everything just because you have decided to live here."

And if anyone calls me a racist, then that's wrong, because this applies to anyone who won't make the effort, not just to immigrants from a long way abroad. I like the Australian model of doing things myself!

Two lovely days... and some thinking

2011-04-24T07:31:00.000+01:00

Yesterday and the day before were lovely days.

Friday afternoon was spent at my sisters, with all of us there, and we chilled and bbq'd and relaxed, and watched the children in a casual kind of way, and H had done an Easter Egg hunt for the children, and R took loads of lovely photos, and it was all good. Almost all good.

Yesterday was St George's Day, and we went to some friends for a St Georges Day party, which included curry (which has upset the internal workings of my good self!) and it was all good. Almost all good.

Friday afternoon's Almost all good was a few moments when R and H and the others had a bit of a go at me. It was all done in love and humour, but for some reason it really upset me this time. I don't need them to tell me I am disorganised and have a lot of books - I know! The trouble is that none of them are really Readers. Readers with a capital R and a slightly untidy house because I had to finish that chapter. They are all tv people. I'm not. And it's ok, we're all different, and I respect their differences, but I did not feel that my differences were respected at all. The question is, what do I do about it? I've written a long letter about how I feel, about how proud I am of them and their achievements, and how much I love them the way they are, but do I send it? Will it create trouble?

Saturday afternoon's Almost All Good was something I must blog up for the BG actually. The bare bones of it would be that we were at Lee and Lisa's for a St Georges Day party. IT was full of RAF lads, most of whom were armourers. We got onto the subject of motorbikes, and chatting about different bikes and of course that led to accidents. I was saying nothing at this point, just listening as one does, and someone said about an accident that had killed a mate of his back home and how he was a nice lad and it was always those that went.
This other lad, who I didn't know, piped up, "Yeah, we had that a couple of years ago - Ritchie left RAF M, went to RAF H and was killed on his bike within a few months. He was a cracking bloke to work with!" Cue stunned silence and glances my way from about 15 people. "He was really hardworking," this lad carries on "and such a laugh. I was gutted when I found out, our whole section was."

At this point Lisa looks at me, and I'm just smiling, but surprised, and she taps the lad on the leg and says "That's Ritchie Hannis' partner as was."

"Oh right," says this lad, paling slightly, "I'm sorry. Ummm." "It's alright" says I. "He was a good laugh and a cracking bloke, and he went in the best way possible."

We chatted a bit and he was a lovely lad, who genuinely liked Rich - he must have done because as far as he was aware, hardly anyone at the party knew Rich, so if he wanted to say anything unkind he would have done! It was a lovely moment though, to know that someone spoke highly of him without knowing his audience.

But it's hard for J, in a way, because the event that was Rich's death, is the way that RAF H know me. I hadn't been over there, we were going to go to Families Day, but I saw them all there, without him, after he had died. For a lot of them, I am "Ritchie Hannis' fiancee, poor love" first, and "Sarah, J's girlfriend" second. It's ok though, we deal with it in our own way. Interestingly, no-one had a good word to say for his Ex, or his brother, and several of the unmarrieds had made sure that their next of kin details were watertight legal. Mine are now, but it's too late. I could challenge the situation, but what would it gain? An upset child, a continuation of the trauma on this side of the Pond, and less of a chance to move on. So no, she can have his medal (if she even knows where it is, and hasn't sold it or something) and we'll have his love. Can't buy that...

I did have other news to discuss, about St Georges Day and what it stands for, but this post has Gone On Long Enough.

Laters people!

Lost

2011-04-21T07:27:00.000+01:00

I'm feeling very lost this morning.

I am a good parent. I know I am. My son has had a traumatic life, and we have managed each and every trauma with calmness and love and he is a gentle and loving child ~~with a world war II obsession~~ who is polite, well mannered and can be taken anywhere. He has his moments - he is a growing boy child after all! but on the whole, he is adorable.

T-Boy is also adorable. 90% of the time. The rest of the time, I don't know quite what to do with him. He's challenging 50% of the time. He is currently unworkable about 5% of the time. Mainly it's food. OR attention. Or lying. Or all three.

AC laughed at him yesterday when he lost a game. They do it to each other all the time - that whole pointing "Ha ha!" type thing. So T-boy grabbed his arm and hurt him. So AC walked away. (we were at Church Holiday Club!) So then T-boy comes up to me "AC won't play with me." SO I investigate.

AC "I laughed at T-Boy because he lost. He pulled my arm. I don't want to play with him."
T-Boy "AC laughed at me a lot, a real lot. I grabbed his arm. He ran away from me."

Me "AC, it's not kind to laugh when people lose."
AC "but he was boasting that he was the best at it."
Me "Well, that's not kind to boast, but it is still not kind to laugh when other people are upset."
AC "Ok. Sorry."
Me "T-Boy, it's not kind to physically hurt someone."
T-Boy "I didn't even touch him!"
Me "You told me that you did, he told me that you did."
T-Boy "I never, I never touched him!"
Me "You adn he told me that you grabbed his arm and pulled him."
T-Boy "Oh. Yes. Well I did."
Me "So now you've lied to me as well, and I'm trying to get to the bottom of this."
T-Boy "I didn't lie! I just said I didn't touch him!"
Me "But you did touch him."
T-Boy "Well. Yes."
Me "So is telling me that you didn't touch him a lie?"
T-Boy "Well. Yes. *cue noisy tears* I didn't mean to lie. I didn't mean to lie."
Me "Sit down over there until you calm down enough to talk to me properly." (as recommended by school!)
T-Boy "I don't want to."
Me "Sit over there, or come home with me now. I'm not having you tantrum here." (Not the best choice of words, probably!)
T-Boy "You always make me sit down when I cry."
Me "Yes I do. Off you go."

And then we went for lunch at the chippy, and he didn't eat what he ordered, and then we came home because I was too cross to go to the park (and it was very warm for the AC) and he had a lovely afternoon playing here.

And now I have a whole nother day of it. And J said "We may as well keep him until Monday as he's not back at school."

I obviously agreed. It's another day in which to work on our relationship. ~~Just in time for his real mother to wreck it all again.~~

I just feel lost with him. I try so hard, and he throws it all back, every time. He loves his costume, but apparently I hate him because I ALWAYS get upset with him when he won't eat what he's asked for and when he tells me lies. Well. yes. I do. I'm not seeing that that would be a surprise to anyone here!

I do love him though. I find it hard to like him sometimes, but only sometimes, but I do love him.

And his costume looks cool.

I have sewn.... And it was gooooooood!

2011-04-20T19:43:00.000+01:00

Yesterday I decided to make a costume for T-boy for Saturday's St George's party. I'm very proud of my heritage. As Al Murray would say "British by birth, English by the grace of God!" ;*)

So I bought some material (and a bit extra for a bag!) and set about it. A few hours later, there is a tunic, complete with red cross, "chain mail" effect undershirt and hood, and a belt. Accidentally along the way, I had also made a very small square 'quiltlette' I.e. Not big enough to be a quilt for anything but a dolly!

Sewing felt so good though. I haven't sewn for so long, almost a year, and I just let my fingers get on with it, and they remembered how to thread up the machine, load a bobbin, feed the material through, and so on. It was like a very cool version of auto pilot. Very cool.

I will add in pictures later, but we're at flying.

The rest of the day was lovely as well. Mostly lovely. We went to Holiday Club. We went to the park. We went for lunch at the sit in chippy, and AC and I had fish and chips and T-boy had fish and didn't eat that, but it's ok, it's ok, it's just one of those things. I keep telling myself at and eventually I'll believe it.......

*deep breaths*

Rachel came round after lunch for a bit, and that was nice but very unproductive for me! I have a thousand and one things to do, but as Caroline said, the list just doesn't seem to get any shorter!

Laters my lovelies, I should be working.......

"I was loving the landing......"

2011-04-19T07:06:00.000+01:00

Yesterday I ended the day (almost ended the day!) with one of THOSE discussions.

AS we were on our way to bed, I was asked how much I'd gone done today. Well, we went to school, sorted out books for T-boy, spent 3 hours at the park, I read a lot, I'd made 5 lunches, dinner for 4, done the washing, etc. All the stuff Mummy has to do....

Last week I cleared the landing. I started with the bookshelves and cleared them and then dismantled them. It looked good up there. This week, because JB came round for tea, I'd had to "stash and dash" as Flylady calls it, and shove stuff up onto the landing. "I was loving the landing." says J as we head to bed. "Not so much now."

Hmmmm. Half the reason so much stuff is *on* the landing is because JB came round and J's modelling stuff has to go somewhere that *isn't* the dining room table if we want to eat. I want to eat at the table. It's much better for chlildren than in front of the tv like an animal. (Occaisional tv dinners are fabulous, don't get me wrong, but not for every day)

The rest of the stuff is there because it goes back in the AC's tiny room.

The thing is, we have a massive room at the front of the house, that goes the width of the house, and it's an Edwardian semi-detatched, so it's fairly large. Then we have a middlesized room, that is the width of the house, less the landing and the stairs. Then we have a small room that is built over the kitchen and is little. A single bed goes along one of the walls, and touches the wall at both ends, that kind of size. It was ideal when the AC was 3 when we moved in.

The plan has always been that eventually, AC will go into our room, and we will go into the big room at the front. Rich and I had planned on turning the little room into a nursery. I was planning on it being a workspace. J is planning on it being T-boys room. Regardless of what it eventually *will* become, I have to clear the big room first.

After the accident (and has anyone else noticed I always call it the accident and rarely, unless I make myself, after Rich died?) I used to just shove stuff in the big room if I didn't want to think about where it went, if I didn't want to look at it, if...... well, you get the idea. I abandoned that room to the Fates. (And the garden. Ok, pretty much everywhere, but I've reclaimed bits!)

J wants more space. He sees the biggest problem as the books. Oh, the books, says he. You have an iPad now, get them on there! But they aren't all on there, and whilst I love the iPaddington, as it is referred to in our house, it is not a book. It is not a C1890 copy of Bunyan's Pilgrims progress, with plates in it. It is not a complete set of Dickens that Nanna gave me. To be fair to him, he is not suggesting that I get rid of those. But I hang on to books. I covet them and keep them. Certain ones I reread until the covers fall off, and then I buy newer ones.

However, I see his point and it is well made.

But how am I to do this, and keep the landing clear, and do the myriad of other things that have to be done? I am back to school in a week, report writing season is just around the corner, I have two children here, one of which isn't always here and so is still settling into the rules here and requires high level maintainance, unlike the AC who can entertain himself and will help most obligingly when asked, and the need to keep downstairs tidy whilst I sort out upstairs. This isn't a winge, more of a list of practical considerations!

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter how I do it, the point is, I have to. We have to move on, we have to move into that room. It's a lovely room and will be gorgeous. I have a list of things to do today, and the Landing is on there.

I'd like for him to be able to say "I *am* loving the landing...."

Getting to know you MEME

2011-04-18T07:26:00.001+01:00

Bod for Tea tagged me in this. Her answers were very illuminating! I doubt mine will be so interesting. AC is going to help I think. I'll do his in a different colour if he does.

Here goes...

If you could go back in time to relive one moment, what would it be?

AC wants to go back to when he was born. Then he wouldn't have to go to school.
I'd go back to those times as well. Specifically, the first time he crawled. He was 15 months old. He'd been walking since he was 9 months, but he couldn't crawl. Then one day at toddler group, he went to go through the tunnel on the floor. He always struggled with those once he was over a year, becuse he was too tall to just walk through by then. He dropped to the floor, usually to stand up, turn around and walk off. But he seemed to think about it, and then just crawled. It was a very cool moment.

If you could go back in time and change one thing, what would it be?

AC says every time I crash my helicopter (he means me!) he would be able to fix it.
I would change the She-Ex taking the BG away. I'd give Rich another few years with his daughter. Even if the end result was the same, I'd do that.

What movie or TV character do you think you resemble most in personality?

AC says "I am most like Keith Lemmon." (WHAT? KEITH LEMMON?) He says I am the skinny one from Supersize v Superskinny.

I say that I would like to think I am Roberta from the Railway Children. Jenny Agutter played her in the film. I'm probably more like Princess Fiona from Shrek.

Which TV or movie character would you like to be?

AC wants to be David Hasslehoff.
I'd like to be more like Joanna Lumley. Such elegance and poise and never a mark on her clothes that she looks at and goes "Hmmmm. What was that?"

If you could push one person in the whole world off a cliff and get away with it, who would it be?

AC says "Mrs Jay, from America's Next Top Model. He's a man who pretends to be a woman and he's just horrible." N.B. He's horrible generally, not purely because of his choice of attire.
I'd push the Ex's off a cliff. Onto a floating island that caught them safely, but took them far, far away!

Name one habit you want to change in yourself.

AC says "My mums intestines. They make her fart. And anything that makes her fart is not good. I'd change to being able to have a VW camper."

I'd change slothfulness and disorganisation in the evenings. I need to get more done!

Describe yourself in one word.

AC "Funny"
Me "Optomistic"
Describe the person who named you in this MEME in one word.

Intelligent

Why do you blog? Answer in one sentence.

Because it gets things off my chest in a forum that means I don't have to confront anyone in real life, because it's almost all petty and not worth a proper row.

Name at least 3 people or more to send this MEME, and then inform them.

Hmmmm. I don't know!

Ex's for a reason.....

2011-04-18T06:34:00.001+01:00

Well.

Well.

Well.

Three holes in a row........

Yesterday J and I had our usual T-boy is here and you're stressed because you've just seen his mother argument. It's never about anything much. It's just that she's upset him through the fact she exists and is a constant reminder of her unfaithfulness and the way she took his son away to live hundreds of miles away. (Hmmm. Seeing a pattern here folks?) Anyway. Yesterday she surpassed herself.

T-Boy is about a year behind in most of his academic subjects. That's fine, it's nothing that can't be dealt with with enough work from him and all of us. J asked his mother to bring his reading book and any homework. Most of the single mums I know are forever moaning that the father isn't interested in education and so on, so we both thought she'd be fine with this. Nope. Just a long round of expletives, in the car park, like a harridan. Because he asked for the book to read with his son. In the end I actually spoke up and said "He is a year behind, he needs to read every day." and told J we would get books from school.

Apparently only she and J are to talk about their son's education, so the ensuing text barrage began.

Here's the thing.

I spent 5 years with Lori as the She-Ex. She progressively tried to split Rich and I up by being horrendously rude to me, and then getting on the phone to him and "crying" and saying *I'd* upset *her*. However, Rich was used to her by then, and after a couple of initial discussions where I had to prove to him by looking at the emails, what she'd said, he saw what she was doing, and we used to laugh at it together. There were times though, when I had to practically pretend I didn't exist, in order for him to get photographs and so on of his daughter. Now I'm faced with the same thing again.

What gets me is that....... there's not point in this. The He-Ex, AC's Dad, has a girlfriend. Her name is N. Do I pretend she doesn't exist? He's had about 5 since we split up, and AC has met them all. He is slightly confused as to why Daddy keeps changing them, but I've told him that some relationships just come to an end, and people find other people who make them happy. I've never pretended any of them don't exist. They are welcome to come with him to the house to pick AC up or bring him back. I would help AC make birthday cards etc if that's what he wanted to do. He's taken cake and so on over to the previous gf house. N has sent eggs from her chickens back with AC. I have no jealousy issues. He left me years ago, for reasons of his own. It's not N's fault.

The She-Ex had Rich thrown out on trumped up charges of domestic abuse. He then refused to go back if that was how she was going to be - after all, as he said, who knew what she would claim next? Some women just aren't cut out to be military wives. That's ok. None of that was my fault.

T-boy's mother left J because she was having an affair. Some women aren't cut out to be military wives. I thought I wasn't, but I was strong enough after all. However, her affair ended, and now she's moved. We didn't even know each other when they split up. None of this is my fault.

So why make it complicated? Why make it such an issue? I wanted to say "I'm a teacher. This is my job. I do this all day. I can help your child catch up. Do you know how much a weeks private tutition could cost you? £35 an hour? IF the AC was in this position I would jump at the chance!"

Why do people let their personal feelings get in the way of the best thing for their child? Children come first. All the time. End of.

It is the sheer instransigence of these women that amazes and horrifies me. I bet if the house was on fire and she was outside with a broken back she wouldn't let me go in and get the child. Either of them!

In other news, I have a thousand tonnes of work to do, I have the little toilet to clear, and we might have found a tree surgeon. Although I still can't spell surgeon first time. I keep putting a u before the n.

Next weeks lessons are ready to be planned. Oh joy lol!
I still have 5 log activities to be done before last Friday. Yes. LAST Friday.
Washing needs catching up on.

Yesterday......

2011-04-17T08:19:00.000+01:00

.....the strangest thing happened.

I couldn't stop smiling. It started around 5pm, and it hasn't stopped since. This morning, I woke up in J's arms, and I realised what it was.

Yesterday, J went out, I cleaned the child's room, made 2 chocolate cakes, iced and decorated them (sounds good, but I'll put the pictures up of the one I kept - it's not that impressive lol!) did a load of course work, drank tea, watched some of my current wallpaper tv (Kimora, life in the Fab lane) and read a bit and pottered about and so on.

J phoned about 3 to say we were going flying, and he'd pick me up, the planes up, and some tea. No problems.

We went flying. I did more work, he flew his Discovery, took off and landed about 20 times because he's practicing for his A certificate, we watched the lads fly the bigger planes, Andy zipped through the air with his little mustang, it was a calm, clear, warm, sunny day, and the world was a good place.

And suddenly I started to smile.

Suddenly, my body clocked ticked through 6pm, when J got here, exactly a year ago. Suddenly it was EXACTLY a year. And as the evening progressed I was in the two trouser legs of time again. Part of me was having pizza with the flying gang, and laughing at Dan's crap jokes, and at Steve's almighty crash (literally folded his model in half!) and part of me was sitting on the sofa, ordering Chinese, laughing, and then suddenly kissing and *ahem*.

It's like an amazing lightness has come over me. I can no longer say "This time last year I was desolate and alone, this time last year there was no hope." Because this time last year I wasn't, and there was, and there is.

In fact, this time last year we were headed over to Hunstanton for breakfast. (No, I had never done that on a first evening seeing a chap either. I didn't think I was that kind of girl!)

Yesterday I became fuller of love and smiles than I have allowed myself to be for 21 months. And yes, it is 21 months today since Rich died. J came over the night before it was 9 months. 12 months later, he's upstairs, dozing on a Sunday morning, whilst I am supposed to be working!

Today I feel like I can take the chance on being happy, as if some kind of weird probationary period is over and it's ok to move on, have a relationship, be outrageously happy, be incredibly loved, be absorbed by the us-ness-of-us without it being some kind of betrayal of Rich and how we felt about each other.

Today, is officially, the first day of the rest of my life. And it's going to be a good one!

A fussy eating stressed letter to T-Boy

2011-04-16T14:02:00.000+01:00

I stole the idea from Oooh Baby and I'll be adding it into the Fussy Eaters Club for April.

Dear T-Boy,

Yes, I know that isn't your name, but it is on here.

It's about the eating thing. You're nine now. Ten in September. You are a lovely child. You make rubbish choices sometimes, but we all do that, and you are trying not to tantrum. Sometimes I wish you would try harder. But this letter isn't about that, it's about food.

I love your Daddy. I love you. But having you to stay for a week stresses me out like you wouldn't believe.

The list of food you think you will eat is so short.

Sausages (which is all you would eat, given half a chance)
Chicken nuggets
Roast chicken
plain pasta
raw carrots
white bread
chocolate cake
sweets

Yeah.

I think that's it.

It's only been in the last months of Daddy and I being together that you will have a sausage *in* the bread. Until then, you wouldn't do that. You are malnourished and clearly struggle in the bowel department. You are either hyper or understimulated, depending on what you have eaten. You refuse, cry, shout, stomp if I try and get you to eat something else, but the majority of times, if I really force the issue, you like it, and we have it again, and again, and then suddenly you don't like it any more. You won't eat it. You make yourself gag and then you get sent out and then another meal time is a war zone and not the pleasant family experience that it is when you aren't here. That's not true. Not the pleasant family experience it is when I give you exactly what you want. Which is sausages, bread and butter, and raw carrots.

You're missing so much good stuff though. And I know that it's a choice. Do you know how I know? Here's the thing. If I offer you new food, you won't even try it. You push it away, fold your arms, shut your mouth and refuse to even look at it. If I offer you sweets you've never had before, they are straight in your mouth. So I know it's not a fear of new stuff type thing. It's a choice.

It goes along with the attention seeking thing you're doing at school. The one where you cry for an hour straight, and bang your head on the tables, and then look to see if anyone saw. That's what your teachers say you do, not me, although you do it here as well. And then it'll stop if it looks like you might be getting your own way. Stop like a tap being turned off. But this letter isn't about that, it's about food.

Because I can't do this much longer. Obviously, I will do it, because that's the way parenting is, even when it's step parenting, but I feel like I really, really can't do this much longer. It's hard on Daddy, because he sees you ill and constipated because you won't eat enough fibre, and he sees me unhappy when you won't eat what is cooked, and I don't have the energy to cook two separate meals every day - I don't agree with it. It's hard on the AC, because he eats everything, all the time, even new stuff, even tries it when he knows he doesn't like it, and never gets a well done from anyone except me, and yet you get a well done for clearing your plate like a normal child would, when it's something that you like. Sausages. It's hard on us as a family - we can't go out to eat because you'll tantrum if you can't get what you want. When the AC got his blue belt, we couldn't celebrate in the way we usually would, because of your eating habits.

And you see T-boy, it's got to stop. I don't know what to do about it, but I'll find a way. I am more stubborn than your stomach, but I'm tired of the restrictions you and your stomach place on the rest of us. The way your stomach controls the entire house somedays. Not this week. IT's not happening.

I've talked to you, we've looked at what different food groups do and how you need them, and we've allowed you to chose a menu that had different things on it, and you still wouldn't eat them.

So I don't know.

Just got to see how the week goes I think.

But I do love you.

Me.

p.s. That was very cathartic.

So I've been up for an hour and......

2011-04-16T08:11:00.000+01:00

.... I'm still not dressed. Or showered. Or any thing except here.

I can't find the list I saved of people in my blogher blog circle, although I know the fabulous Bod for Tea is on there, and no doubt she has a list somewhere. She seems a very organised person. Unlike moi.

The big computer is refusing to boot up. This means I have lost access to all school stuff because I hadn't yet transferred it to the school laptop because I ......... haven't really. No excuse. More importantly, I have lost access to all my photographs. Everything from since 2005. I will get them back, I just can't get to them now.

I have to sort the AC's room today. The experiment is over, he's not ready for complete control over his dominion, and so I will sort it today. That and apparently T-Boy is coming on Monday. I tried explaining to J how I feel about that, that I want him to come, that I love him being around, but that his temper tantrums and the fact he doesn't like me or respect me until a few days into the week makes me tired and apprehensive. I think he's starting to get it. The thing is, I can't hide anything on this face (and still the She-Ex claims we had an affair whilst she was still here lol!) and so he knows something is up.

HOwever.

And in other news.

Today is a year since J phoned me at 5ish to ask if he could come over. He's never really gone back since. And yes, a year ago tomorrow was 9 months since Rich died, and it was so significant because I lost our last baby just after his Celebrations, and I had a vague hope in the back of my mind - what if it was twins, and that was only one, and the other one is a hidden baby like my cousins, and what if.... well, you get the idea.
Anyway. April 2010 is a remarkable month to read all in one go, because of the way that the desolation turns to hope. Neither of us was expecting to ever feel this way, let alone be living together a year later. There were times when we felt bad for our happiness - after all, without someone dying, and AC being left bereft, we wouldn't be this happy. But then I remember that Rich always said he would be dead by 34, and he was. Always. From the day I met him. Weird, but true.

SO anyway. A year. *smiling*

Loving Rich's work with this one. He always said he would never leave us alone. We thought he'd be living here with us for a lifetime, but no. But he and God, they kept their promises. We are not alone, and the fatherless and the widow have been upheld. Can't ask for more than that really.....

Today I must do college work, find the floor in the Adorable-but-messy Child's room, ice a cake with someone elses 6 year old, ice a cake for us, make tea, and generally be relaxed and chilled. I have to!

With any luck, I'm also going to cut out some squares for a very simple quilt, in heavy material, for flying and going out and picnics and so on. But if not, there's always next week!

Standing up for blogging

2011-04-14T08:34:00.001+01:00

No really, I am. The iPad is in the kitchen, on the microwave because it is also being my radio.(absolute 80's, for anyone who wants to know!)

It's also BG's birthday today. I am banned from sending her anything. Sam and I have been neatly whitewashed out of her life because her mother is afraid of what I will say to her. So I'm going to start updating the blog that we shared with her about our lives. I'm going to start updating it with memories of her father, of how we got together, of what I saw here England life was like, of how her mother was and why she never saw her Daddy again after she was taken away to live in the States. I will never stop loving her, never take her picture from the fridge, never delete the ones we have of her, and I will always think of her as part of our family. Why should her mothers fear stop her having memories of her father from the person he considered to know him better than anyone ever had? From the person that he credited with saving his life after the She-Ex broke her promise and took BG to another continent, refusing to let him see her, refusing to send him photographs, letting them both down by "losing" the calling card on a regular basis? They might have his Afghanistan medal (though if her housekeeping is the same I doubt she knows where it is!) but we had his heart and his love and his presence. We wrote to him whilst he was away. We mourned him. Although his brother stole his ashes away (breaking a promise as well) we still Celebrated his life in our own way. Her mother wouldn't even let her come to that, and only sent a message at the last minute.

And yet I am the evil one...

I know one thing though.

When her mother wasn't home she said she loved me. She would never, ever say it when the She-Ex was home.

I think that tells us all we need to know....

Ripping off the family.

2011-04-12T15:06:00.000+01:00

At the weekend we went to Hatton Country World.

The children really enjoyed it, J had a good time, there were sheep to feed and pigs and lambs and a tractor ride and so on.

I enjoyed it, except for one thing.

The cost.

Adults £10.95
children £12.95

So for all four of us, there wasn't much change from £50. Add to that the outrageous cost of the food (£3.95 for 1 sausage, half scoop peas, half scoop carrots and 15 chips) and it was an expensive day out. But a good one.

However, this means that one good day out like this will prevent us having more good days out later, because we just can't afford it.

When will these companies get off with ripping off the family? This attitude means that in the end, the companies will lose out as more and more families tighten their belts. Is it really their faults though? Are they just passing on the costs from the insurance that is required now that the blame culture is so firmly entrenched in British lives? Is it the cost of fuel? Or food? Or whatever, that means they have to charge £13 for anyone over 2?

We won't be going back. And my lesson is learned. I'll be looking for more vouchers on the net before we go anywhere again.

2011-04-11T18:52:00.001+01:00

Apparently, my network is not ready for online posting from my iPhone. *sigh*

Whatever!

I, however, am perfectly ready.

And now I'm sitting here, looking at the screen with so much to write I don't know where to begin!

How about the ongoing DVLA saga? How about starting with that?

A little background for my newest readers......

17July09 He died on his bike. He was riding safely, the bike was the best kept they'd seen in a while, there were no idiots around him, but he came off and died. The Police informed the coroner, and DVLA.

AUG 09 I inform DVLA of his death, and ask about what happens with the 2 RangeRovers, 1 Discovery, that are here. (the Landy was mine). They inform me that all is under control, they need a copy of the Death Certificate, but agree to wait until Dec 09 when the inquest has happen as I have no certificate until then. They grasp this quite quickly, unlike The She-ex.

DEC 09. I send them a DC, and as far as I am concerned the job is done. I have been informed by his brother and the She-ex that I am not the next of kin, and certain devious acts have been performed that show exactly why he had nothing to do with either of them any more.

Mar 10. I start getting reminders, addressed to him, to tax the cars. I phone DVLA after each one to let them know the situation. I am not next of kin. I provide the She-Ex's details.

AUG 10 I start getting debt collection letters threatening him with all sorts of strife and court and bailiffs and so on. I am not next of kin. I provide the She-Ex's details.

NOV 10 I start getting letters again, addressed to him, He still hasn't taxed the cars. I phone DVLA and inform them that he is still dead.

JAN 11 I start another round of letters from debt collectors. He still hasn't taxed the cars. I phone them and inform them that he is still dead.

FEB\MAR 11 through a series of phone calls I establish the cause of the problem. DVLA know that he is dead as far as the bike is concerned. However, DVLAs computer is 3 chips short of a motherboard, and cannot understand that if he is dead for one vehicle, he's dead for all of them. No, really, he is. I send another copy of the DC to them, listing reg numbers, descriptions, etc of cars.

17th MAR 11 I receive a letter, stating that it has all been sorted out, and that I am not responsible for anything. 20 months TO THE DAY that he died.

8th April 11 - as in Friday. I get a letter from a debt collection agency, addressed to him. He is still a bad bad boy. He still hasn't paid the car tax. I lose the plot, phone the debt collection agency, tell them hes still dead, they all but accuse me of lying, I tell them to stick it, take us to court, I'll be there, with the newspapers, to show how they are treating a grieving family, and the She-ex can pay the court costs if we lose - she's next of kin, after all!

I phone DVLA, sobbing, to beg them to sort this out and make it stop. DVLA promise to do so, and to write to me to tell me that it has been done.

We go away, as we do, every other Friday, for the weekend. We come back to an apology and expression of condolences letter from DVLA. Addressed to me, as Mrs his-surname. I'm not her. She ran away to the States 4 years before he died, preventing Rich and his daughter from ever seeing each other again, and is now enjoying playing the grieving Forces widow, with the pension and so on, because she refused to divorce him.

J has gone ballistic and has written to our MP!

And so the DVLA saga continues!

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Location:My network isn't ready! (and DVLA saga continues)

No blog since Tuesday? Really?

2011-04-08T07:51:00.000+01:00

I was sure I blogged Wednesday, but clearly I didn't.

In face Wednesday went to the wall because J and I walked the Adorable Child up to school, and then I was asked to go to the staffroom, and they had flowers for me! How sweet is that! Seriously, it's two weeks for keyhole surgery, but I was quite chuffed. We saw lots of children (yes, it's a school!) we saw several parents that wanted a quick word, and j was getting a little irritated, so Rachel shouted to see if we wanted a lift home to give me a reason to go. Teaching is a vocation, it's a way of life. I hold these childrens hearts and futures in my hands for a year, and I consider myself to be in Loco Parentis. This needs a post of its own.

So Rachel came round and we did nothing all day. Oh, we went to Tesco. We were almost out of teabags! Rachel went into work at 1200, and was back here at 1330, then took the children to KSW at 1600. She's done so much running around for us whilst I've been off my feet.

Thursday started at 0320,with the dreaded call of "Muuuuuummmmmyyyyy." and the gurgling noise. I got in there to find that he was being sick. I love my son. His bed has at least 3 duvets and 4 blankets on it. It usually has at least 10-15 books underneath these various layers, a bit like mining for gold. It has a few cuddly toys on it. I'll be honest - some of the dread of him being sick comes from the washing that could ensue.

I had to wash the sheet.

That was it.

He had shoved everything else away from him with his feet, so that it wasn't near him, and chosen to be sick on his own leg rather than everything else.

I love him lol!

So I showered him, stripped his bed, put it in the washing machine and we curled up on the sofa, on the jeans blanket, and he went to sleep. HE went to sleep. I didn't.......

Obviously he's not allowed back to school for 48 hours, although there has been no reoccurrence of the events. I phoned school to say he could go back, he was clearly fine, but rules are rules lol! His holidays started early!

So yesterday we had the Being Ill rules whilst it was school time, (mummy tv, if any, nothing exciting to eat, no big toys out, quiet time every hour) and then I relaxed them once it was clear he was fine and just not allowed back.

Today we need to go back to town, up to the solicitor to drop some paperwork off, pack for Leamington and go.

Oh, and two weeks after the op, exactly, I can now get my toes on my nose again. Flexibility is back. Walking is tricky in places, but hey - who cares! It'll come. I keep holding tha lads at Headly Court in my heart and mind. I'll get better. They'll just learn to survive differently. They are brave strong souls who put it all on the line. I had keyhole surgery for a torn cartilage. Perspective is a good thing lol!

So much to blog about!

2011-04-05T06:48:00.000+01:00

There is so much that I want to write about at the moment. There might be several posts in the draft today and then I'll adapt them and put them up a bit at a time.

I am still incensed/confused/patronised by Girls N Dubz. (I am probably incenzed/confuzed/patronized by it actually...)
I watched a programme about Tony Martin last night and the attitude of the police really wound me up.
I've done a lot of thinking about BG recently, and I need to get that on screen as it heads towards her birthday.
I want to write about all my fellow April comment ring bloggers.
I want to write about why we blog, and why sometimes people stop bothering (as opposed to making a deliberate choice!)
So much to write about!

I also hav e 8 short assignments to do, an essay to write by Friday week, the house to clean through and hoover, town to visit (tho that might wait because it's wet!) and the general washing type stuff to do.

However.

In celebration.

In joy and rapture.

I announce that.........

WE HAVE A NEW, NON-LEAKING, SHOWER!

My dad brought it over yesterday and installed it for us. At times I slipped into that place I have referred to as the Other Trouser Leg of Time, and I could see Rich installing the original with Lee, and tlaking about how high to have it so it covered him as well, and why we didn't have one with a pole and so on. And christening the shower. *giggle*

Yesterday, walking back from the nurse appointment, I started telling God outloud some of the things I was thankful for right that second. The weather, the nurse, the fact my dressing wasn't stuck to my leg. Increased mobility. The NHS and not having to pay directly for healthcare. Little paths by rivers that feel like the country even though they are the middle of the town. That Rich died. That daffodils are SO yellow. *insert sound of screeching brakes* Go back one. Before the daffodils (which were VERY yellow).

That Rich died.

Died.

I am thankful for the fact he died.

I am. I actually came to this conclusion a while ago, and I've broached it on here and I've talked about it with Mum, but the certainty that this is how I felt really hit me yesterday. Three things brought it on, all, strangely for me, TV related.

One was Louis Theroux with America's Most Hated Family, about Westbrough Baptist Church. Now I disagree fundamentally with the vast majority of their interpretation of the Bible, but one thing that was said was that we should rejoice in all of God's work. Hmmmm.

And then the other programme was Lewis, the next generation of Inspector Morse, and a fabulous programme. There was a girl on the programme in a coma. She had been that way for 6 years.

Finally, it's been Emmerdale. There's a character in there who had a road accident and is paralysed from the neck down. He can turn his head, and that's it. That was Rich's best hope after his neck broke. Best. More likely would have been Persistent Vegetative State, if he had recovered from the coma.

I can't imagine him like that. This way, he died. He had a glorious Celebration *not* a funeral. We all have great memories of him as a tall, strong, brave armourer (unless you're the She-Ex, who only ever thinks about the bad stuff. Or the BG who wasn't allowed to know him really) We know him as a loyal friend, a wonderful father, an amazing partner and a joyful part of our lives. He died at the top of his game.

He's not still in the hospital 2 years later. He's not just lying there immobile. He's not angry, bitter and depressed about going from saving the world to not being able to wipe his own backside. He's gloriously with God, or he's reincarnated into someone else, carrying on his work. Or something else. Just depends what you think really.

Anyway, this all got a bit random.

It was a good weekend!

2011-04-04T07:04:00.000+01:00

Mobility has returned, somewhat, and this meant that the GTI Spring Festival at Santa Pod was much more enjoyable than it could have been. Aside from She of Terminal Rudeness, who was terminally rude. I'll put the detils in later as part of a separate post, because it sums up What Is Wrong In Britain Today. And so on.

GTI SF was good though, although we didn't get to see Fireforce burn down the track, and apparently it was a lot quieter than usual.

There was a Devon Bay camper for sale though. £8700. As we walked towards her, she looked good. Tintop (no pop top) cream over pale coffee/beige, empi5 wheels, the works. She was an early Bay (wrap around bumper, crescent moon vents,) and a lovely looking interior.

And then we got closer, both back quarteers had gone and been filled prior to painting. There were bubbles of rust in all the usual places, although they had either been painted over or had come up after the paint job. Then J put himself on the floor and the underneath was rotten as a pear. That vehicle needed about £4000 of strip, parts, welding, respray.

Oh well. The right one is out there for us.

The AC came back from Mothering Sunday with his father to bring me a signed copy of Alan Coxons new book, and had shaken his hand and so on. His father hadnt thought about card or anything, but well, that's ok. J was happy to have sorted it out, had the AC been here with us this weekend. He wanted to be here with us this weekend, but well, divorce is a bitch sometimes my child. He's getting to the age where I would be prepared to let him choose where he wants to be if there is something going on on the weekend that he isn't with a particular parent, but I can't see his father going for that.

And finally.

I smell.

Oh, I do. There is only so much a girl can do with a strip wash every day when she's only washed her hair ONCE in the last 10 days, and not had a shower or bath or anything remotely involving lots of hot water and soap and shampoo and conditioner and body butter and NICE THINGS.

I am as hairy as a Yeti, and I smell like a swamp.

Ok, so both of those things are exaggerations, because I would never let myself go to that extent. I always manage to do *something* because the stench of body odour is just not what is needed. I know of someone who didn't get kept on after her probationary period because she smelled so strongly.

That's an extreme case though, and I hope it was a wake up call for her to pay some attention to herself and get it together.

Ok, I've got to get on, and do stuff, because so far today I already have to:-

Tax the car
Do some college work
Plan an essay
Write part of the essay
Plan work for school
Do something more in the kitchen
Washing
Drying
Hoover
Get the snake food out
Food shopping

Oh yes.

And rest.......

Laters people.

Out of the house!

2011-04-02T08:46:00.000+01:00

I actually went out of the house yesterday.

Shock! Horror!

We went up to the solicitors, and that went really well. Obviously I can't talk about it on here, but she is going to be in for a big surprise. Part of me says it's unkind to go after her in this way, because she's now a single mother, like I was. On the other hand, she hurt so many people, and lied so much, that in a way, it's like a toddler - if you don't tell them they are wrong, and if there are no consequences to their wrong behaviour, then they won't learn.

Anyway.

We then went up to town, and had a quick look in the new Primark - which will be lovely I'm sure once they get sorted out a bit. They've wanted into this town for ages apparently, and it's put new jobs out there for mothers from school, so I'm all for it, plus I'll be able to get school trousers for the AC that actually fit!

I'm feeling more confident in my body structure as well, so I'm looking at some of the things they have and thinking, yeah, for show season, I would love to wear that - get out of the sleeping bag, pull on undies, leggings, shortie dress, and go! I have good legs (they aren't great legs, but come on, I'm 36!) and leggings suit them. Some big boots, and a fat jumper or hoodie, and I'd be rocking it as a older camper van mum!

Oh the camper?

We are so nearly there with owning the camper. We need to get the solicitor stuff sorted out, but even if we don't, we've almost saved enough to do it a anyway.

This is such a rambling post.

Oh yes - Ruby. I've only seen the advert, but seriously "I never realised I'd put on 60lbs?". I've out on 10lbs since my leg has reduced me to a shuffle not a proper walk, and I can feel it everywhere! It's coming off just as soon as I can move properly. I won't diet or exercise it off, it'll just happen because I'll eat less crap because I won't be glued to the sofa, and I'll be able to move with the kids again.

Now having read this, it's a really narcissistic post! Everyone gets a little self centred now and again, and when the AC is at the He-Ex's for the weekend, I get like that a little. I miss him, and whilst I enjoy the time that J and I have as just us, I miss him.

That's all good though, because on Sunday he'll be home. I should be working, but I might see what I can make twitter do, and currently, it's nothing. Grrrrrrr!

New attitude. New people?

2011-03-31T15:54:00.000+01:00

I'm opening this blog up. Its always been public, because I'm not ashamed of what I think, and I'm not going to not say it just because it might offend someone.

But I'm putting this out there a little. British Mummy Bloggers is creating comment rings. I'm sat on my backside and can't do a lot. I can at least read other peoples blogs and comment on them. I'm reading the same blogs, and whilst I love them, I also want to read some new stuff.

I'm going to be linking to my new finds (or technically, the ones the lovely BMB lady linked me with.) and hopefully they will interest some of my readers too!

It's just time to reach out of my comfort zone a bit. You all know how that is.

sigh

2011-03-31T09:53:00.000+01:00

Ok.

I overdid things yesterday. I can't bend the leg now. I can't walk as far as the kitchen. This is going to be a long day. I've hit the ibruprophen already today. 400mg hasn't touched it. Winge. Moan. Wimper.

It's pathetic really! LOL!

I'm on the sofa, with a duvet, the jeans duvet, the table turned sideways with tea and Ginger biscuits, knitting to hand, iBooks on here, Kindle on here, cats on my feet and the day stretching out in front of me. There's no post though. Good or bad? LOL. Who knows.

But I've made a decision or three whilst I've been lying on the sofa.

And it's about more than cups of tea. However, I'm tired and doped now - they don't touch the pain but they mong my brain out.

I'll finish this later,

I am a gooooooood mummy!

2011-03-30T16:08:00.001+01:00

I have it on the best authority. The child.

And after all, he should know!

I should write on here properly. I will.

Just......

Feeling my blogging mojo is on a break. Either that or my brain has melted from too much tv.

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Where have I been?

2011-03-28T17:21:00.001+01:00

Yep. I had it done.

Friday, it was done. Saturday we went to Leamington as I wasn't fit to travel on Friday. Sunday the bandage came back by it's own self! We came home. Monday, and I've had my first day off school (first of two weeks, then two weeks holiday) Lovely nurse lady says people with slim legs often lose their bandage early as the swelling goes down and there's little fat to hold it on. Who knew?

So far today I have

* made solicitors appointment
* made nurse appointment for stitches etc
* made lunch
* knitted
* read
* watched 5 mins of Maury and White trailer trash (they didn't all live in caravans, but oh my, you can take the girl out of the trailer, but the trash is *always* going to be in the girl.)
* watched Ray Mears
* watched Kimora - Life in the Fab Lane.
* watched Ace of Cakes

Things I really did not do because I am poorly and have to sit on the sofa ALL DAY.

* bleach the limescale out of the toilet
* wiped down the toilet
* sorted out the fridge
* two loads of washing

I clearly didn't do any of those things.......

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today

2011-03-25T05:37:00.000Z

Today is the day.

Nervous? A bit.
Busy? A lot.
Tired? Oh yeah.

Lem and back last night was a massive ride for all three of us, although AC slept most of it, as was the plan. Parents evening was not 10 mins though, it was an hour. It needed to be. I won't talk about it too much on here, but suffice it to say that selfish mothering has screwed over another child.

When will people realise that childrens needs come first? Is it such a big concept for people?