More memories...

My time hop and Facebook memories are blow into up with how happy I was 8 years ago. He was home, and I could shout it from the roof tops.

I remember how tired he was, how thin he was, how much he wanted to hold Sama an I, and how much he wanted to hear from Rachel. I emailed her within moments of him being back, like I said I would, but obviously she was asleep, I just wanted her to know.

I remember looking at him on the sofa, scarcely able to believe he was home, joyously making two cups of tea again.

Such memories.

8 years ago today...

I woke up with Rich in my bed for the first time in several months.  He had been away in the Hot and Sunny Lands, and he had come back.

He wasn't due back until several days time, and it was doubtful as to whether he would make it for Christmas at one point.  But there was a space and he took it, sleeping on the floor in the airport to get back to us.

The AC got into bed, as he used to at 5 years old, and snuggled in.  He hadn't noticed Rich was there. He reached out to hold my hand, and Rich put his hand in the way.  I can still remember the look on my little boy's face when he realised, watching it dawn over his sleepy face, and then joyously rolling over to face Rich and jump all over him.  Even after such a long journey, after very little sleep, after a difficult tour, Rich let him.  In fact, Rich encouraged him.

It was beautiful.

I wonder why it matters this year?

So why this year?

So far this year, the AC is having one of those years when it comes to the anniversary of Rich's death.  It's compounded by his being able to search the internet. 

Last Thursday he had a panic attack of epic proportions, during which he worked up into a state of hysteria to the point of being sick.  Whilst much of what he said was incoherent, he was able to explain his fear of us all leaving him, of letting Rich down, letting us down, letting his squadron down.  Since then we have wrapped him in a bubble of support.  School have been fantastic, I've emailed them to let them know what's happening, various teachers have been in contact to say if there's anything he's mentioned in their lessons or if his behaviours at school are a little off.  The squadron have been very supportive, keeping him busy, keeping him active and double checking that he is ok.  J has been just a tower of strength.  He understands that this year is obviously going to be a bad one, and that there is no good reason for that, it just is.  He and the AC are more like mates these days, with a lot of mickey taking, and playing about, but there have been a few hugs in the last few days, and I've seen J assessing the mood before saying something deliberately stupid a couple of times.

The internet has helped in some ways.  AC has read the newspaper reports again, he has read the inquest report (inasmuch as it is reported in the paper. Only I know the full extent, because I was there.  No-one else bothered and the AC was too young.) and he has read a few of the obituaries that were left for Rich.

And then he found the Virtual Memorial Garden, and scrolled down to Hannis. That confused him all over for a while.  It's something the She-Ex wrote for some reason best known to the two of them when she'd decided he was dead. (He once told me that it was because he wanted to call it all off, and she didn't like it, so he stopped answering her emails and so on.  I don't know.  I wasn't there!)  Anyway, the AC found it online, read it, didn't understand and so we've had to go through the whole thing last night.  We talked about the toxicity of some relationships, we talked about the accident, we talked about the reports he'd read, we talked about the Memorial that Lori had written, we looked at the dates and the way it was written, and we were able to work towards an acceptance and a laughing in the end.

Admittedly, the laughing came because I showed him a real memorial that Melissa had created for Rich, and there was an advert on the side for some rather nice lingerie, modelled by a generously endowed young lady.  The AC was of the opinion that Rich would have enjoyed that being his advert. 

I have to agree ;-)

Whumph! There is is again....

It's been a tricky week, grief wise.

The Freedom of the Borough Parade was great, and although I (literally) cried all the way through the parading on, sniffled through the speeches, and then clapped and cried all the way through the parading off, it was enjoyable.  It was a release.  More and more, having nowhere to go for Rich is becoming a problem.  Soon it will be the anniversary again, and there is nowhere to go.  Part of me wonders if Ian had any idea what difficulties he was laying in store for the Adorable Child when he chose to do what he did, and prevent us from having somewhere to visit, but then I know he didn't because he was grieving too, and he made his choices from the selfishness that grief brings.  The fact I can't let it go yet (almost 7 years on) tells me that one day I will have to deal with him.  Not yet though.

It's also been the AC's birthday.  He is 13 now, (which means BG must be 15 and nearly old enough!) but his 13yr old self is racked with self doubt and worry.  This is a perfectly normal state for a teenager, I appreciate, but this teen is mine, and so I support him and love him and tell him the right words (or what I think are the right words) and he pulls himself together and is strong and brave and smiling.  He worries about dying.  He knows that he can walk out the door and not walked back in, or that one of us will do that.  I can't say "Oh that won't happen!" because it has.  That reality has been a part of his life since he was 6 and there is nothing that can erase that.

 

The thing about grief is that it lurks around the corners, waiting for us.  There are moments when I can expect it, like the Parade.  There are moments when I don't expect it, like the AC's BBQ last night.  It's a sneaky thing.

On the other hand, it is a bright and beautiful day. The world looks lovely, although the patio looks a mess.  We will get there, wherever there is, and itwillallbefine.

And once more it's been a while

It's been a long while and I don't know why.

I'm not feeling blogging at the moment.  I'm bullet journalling and loving that and maybe that is filling the gap for me.  Blogger was feeling a bit clunky, and so I stopped using it. Life got in the way. I'm tired.  I'm doing #29in29 at staffrm.io , life is complicated in many ways.

SO where are we now?

J and I are still very happy.  He understands that we miss Rich and that Rich is still a massive part of who we are as a family.  We all went to Options Evening for the AC, and even then the AC said, "Both my dads are here, and the other one will be around somewhere - he always is!" (Yes, it was a bit Jeremy Kyle for everyone else, but I've seen what nasty behaviour does with Rich and the She-Ex, and I'm certainly not inflicting that on a child.)

The AC has chosen his Options.  He is Y8, going to start them in Y9, and doing Media Studies, PE, Geography and then Engineering which is based at the local college.  All of them were his choices, and he's very proud of having made his own decisions and of us for being trusting enough parents to talk it over with him and then let him choose.  Apparently some of his friends are having a terrible time with parents demanding that they choose this or that.

We have different cats, different snakes.  Cassi finally died, and Errol came to live here.  Admittedly, one is a snake and one is a cat, but they were/are both furless, so, it's the same thing....

School is great.  I love my job.  Admittedly I hate the paperwork but I love the payrise.  There's stuff going on at work that does my head in, but there's always a shut door and the children to get me through it!

So that's where I am now.