Just a cup of tea

I am back to drinking tea again after a long Lenten period without it.  The last section was the worst.  Joyously though, I seem to have broken my sugar addiction in tea and I am happily drinking it without 2-3sugars.

2 sugars is 23 calories.
2 sugars x 7 cups (minimum) = 23 x 7 = 161 calories, daily.
161 calories x 47 days = 7567 calories.

7567 calories = 2lbs of fat.

Except it wasn't about that.  As a by product I am slimmer in the waist (it would take a miracle to shrink this backside!) and I am more lively, less prone to needing to sleep in the afternoon/early evening and so on.  As a byproduct.

So what was it about?  After all, it's just a cup of tea.

I haven't regularly attended church in about a year.  In fact, a year last month, when I had my arthroscopy last year.  I don't know why I haven't been.  Some of it is to do with being away every other weekend.

A lot of it is to do with struggling with my faith after the aftermath of Rich's accident.

In a way, I could deal with his death, I could manage to assimilate that, and see the rightness of the ending of his physical pain, his mental pain, and love the idea of him being with God. The powerlessness of his brother taking his ashes, or the She-Ex refusing to tell me anything about the BG unless she wanted something, or the complete lack of contact from his family, just made me despair.  How could God want us just whitewashed from his life, like the AC and I never existed?

The continuing fallout and stress caused by things like DVLA, like the banks, like Dairy Crest bills from when he was living with the She-Ex (seriously?  £450 to Dairy Crest?  HOW do you do that?) led me to question my view on the world.  His family were family for the good bits, for the showy bits, but wanted nothing to do with the actual hard work of him being dead.  His brother's big words of "let me know what he owes and I'll sort it out" turned out to be smoke and mirrors, which was the same with most of what he said.  But I dealt with it, occasionally *still* deal with it, and am proud of the fact that I have managed without them, thus proving everything Rich said to be true, and validating why I'd never met them in all the time we were together.

The ongoing pain of realising that he and I would never have children together, that I would never have more children with anyone, that the AC is the sole child of my flesh, is difficult in the extreme.  It isn't just that I wanted a big family, or that it was a dream for both of us, that we valued each others parenting styles and skills, that we loved each other, it is deeper than that.  It is part of who I am, and my ability to get pregnant, but inability to carry past 6-8 weeks makes me feel as though I am less of a person.  After all, as I have said before, 15 year olds on a council estate can do this, why can't I?  Am I that much of a bad mother that God's choice is for me not to?  Or is it that He knows something I don't? (Obvious, but true lol!)  Was it better for Rich and I to lose those we started, than to raise 2 grieving children?

The continuing, but changing, pain of living with his loss, and living with the child who knew him and loved him and was bereft by his death, of answering the questions, of holding the sobbing body, of coping with the outlet of emotion and reassuring him in all the ways I can, is exhausting.  Trying to find ways to talk him through what happened, at his own pace, without badmouthing Rich's brother or the She-Ex can be a task of diplomacy in itself. (My opinions are mine, and expressed on here for my own sanity.  He doesn't need to hear them, he can make his own mind up later on.)

There are other reasons, better reasons.  Sometimes I miss communal worship, the feeling of being all in one thought.  Other times, I am glad to be in a field, watching the lads fly planes, and glorying in God's creation without the walls of Church.  I am glad to be in the open.

My non-attendance at Church doesn't mean that I don't believe.  I could no more stop believing in God than I could fly under my own power.  I am open in my prayers to Him, guilty of not spending enough time with Him, know I don't read His Word as much as I should, and need to get better at all of those things.  I have spent a long time being unhappy with Him, not trusting as I should.  I struggled to see the bigger picture - of how the pain my son and I were going through, caused by his death and the aftermath, made sense in the plan.

I am slowly coming towards an acceptance, but not an understanding.  OR rather, an understanding that it is ok not to understand, it is better just to accept, and appreciate what is here, rather than picking old wounds. After all, picking causes scars, not smooth healing. (All our mothers said things along those lines)  Whether this will lead me back to church, or to a more insular faith for a while, I don't know.

So, for me, every time I wanted a brew and didn't, it made me think of God, and what He was prepared to do for me.  It made me aware that I had made a promise to God, and that I should keep that promise.  And that He has made me promises, and kept some and others are not "not-kept" but more "yet to come to fruition".  It has been a physical reminder of my faith.

It's just a cup of tea, but it is so much more.

Making pasta

Sorry, this will again be a photo heavy post.  I need to find out how to make one of those mosaic thingys that so many really talented and creative people use.

My Other Half, the lovely J, bought me a pasta machine for Christmas.  I've always wanted one, and now I have one.  Indeed I do.

A cup of flour.

2 eggs, beaten, and deposited into a well in the middle of the flour.

A mess.  There is some delicate way of doing things that doesn't involve this much mess.  I think it comes with practice.

After 2 minutes kneading.  This now felt solid, and like I could have baked it and used it as dwarf throwing bread.

5 minutes more.  It's coming.  My friend Andy put on FB that it would take more kneading than bread.  I'm glad he did, because I was slightly despairing by this point!

Around 10-15 minutes in, and it is a smooth ball of elasticky dough.  Lovely.  Into the fridge, wrapped in clingfilm, for about as long as it took to make biscuits and clear up a bit. and get the machine out. Umm.  45 minutes?

The machine.

The first dough.  Apparently every time I use it, I will be putting a small piece of dough through to clean it out from the last time it was used.  It must never be washed.  OR fed after midnight.

Wide spaghetti.  Tagliatelli.  I think that's the spelling.

Looks good! So I squished it back together again and put it through the rollers again until it was thin  and......

....put it through the spaghetti cutters.

It is good!

Finished product after 2 minutes in boiling water.

I ate it an enjoyed it, J ate it and enjoyed it, T-Boy was impressed by the machine but didn't eat it.  It took him 2 hours to eat his lunch yesterday, although it was all foods that he likes.  Last night when he started the "I'm full" routine, his dad told him to put it in the kitchen.

We're taking him back today.  I do miss him when he isn't here, and I love having him around, but the tantrums and the food choices (which I firmly believe are deliberate) and the constant defiance are wearing me out.  I'm going to avoid having both boys at the same time for long holidays as much as possible.  They both need individual needs meeting and both struggle with the other one sometimes.  I know all families do.

They are both such strong characters, both with such different flash points, both with such different outlooks on life, and the gap is going to keep growing as they develop so differently.  I have faith in the AC that he will develop more patience and calm with T-Boy, that he will learn to ignore, or forgive T-Boy's behaviours and outbursts.  I can have that faith because I know that J and I, and He-Ex have the same direction for his upbringing.  We want the best for him and from him.  T-Boy is being brought up by his mother, and she is content for him to be a baby for the rest of his life.

It's in all the little things.  He's 10.  He's never wrapped a present, or dried up the dishes, or washed his own hair, until he got to here, where we all help, and where the AC has been in charge of his own hygiene since he was about 6. (Under supervision til he was about 7, but he's more than capable now!)  T-Boy has no responsibilities, and doesn't know how to be responsible.  He's never gone anywhere without his mother, or other significant grown up - not even run on ahead to school and they live 3 minutes walk away from their school!  He's never helped make a cake or a cup of tea.  He's never run his own bath.  He's never brought the milk in, or wiped a kitchen side.

He's done all these things now, and most of them in the last year. But it all gets undone as soon as he goes back to his mother, and gets a virtual nappy put on.

Ah well.

Growing (Up)

April's theme is "growing (up)"

It's an interesting one I think.

Growing has so many ideas attached to it - plants, families, communities and so on.

Growing up has so many ideas attached to it - children, adults who should have but haven't, adults who have but choose to retain the best bits of childhood, maturity, and so on.

As per usual, here is the dictionary definition!

grow (gr)

v. grew (gr), grown (grn), grow·ing, grows

v.intr.

1. To increase in size by a natural process.

2.

a. To expand; gain: The business grew under new owners.

b. To increase in amount or degree; intensify: The suspense grew.

3. To develop and reach maturity.

4. To be capable of growth; thrive: a plant that grows in shade.

5. To become attached by or as if by the process of growth: tree trunks that had grown together.

6. To come into existence from a source; spring up: love that grew from friendship.

7. To come to be by a gradual process or by degrees; become: grow angry; grow closer.

v.tr.

1. To cause to grow; raise: grow tulips.

2. To allow (something) to develop or increase by a natural process: grow a beard.

3. Usage Problem To cause to increase or expand by concerted effort: strategies that grew the family business.

Phrasal Verbs:

grow into

1. To develop so as to become: A boy grows into a man.

2. To develop or change so as to fit: She grew into her job. He grew into the relationship slowly.

grow on/upon

1. To become gradually more evident to: A feeling of distrust grew on me.

2. To become gradually more pleasurable or acceptable to: a taste that grows on a person.

grow up

To become an adult.

Idiom:

grow out of

To develop or come into existence from: an article that grew out of a few scribbled notes.

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[Middle English growen, from Old English grwan; see ghr- in Indo-European roots.]

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grower n.

growing·ly adv.

Usage Note: Grow has been used since medieval times as an intransitive verb, as in Our business has been growing steadily for 10 years. It has been used with an object since the 18th century, meaning "to produce or cultivate," as in We grow corn in our garden. But the transitive use applied to business and nonliving things is quite new. It came into full bloom during the 1992 presidential election, when nearly all the candidates were concerned with "growing the economy." The Usage Panel is decidedly less fond of this development than business leaders and politicans are. Eighty percent of the Panel rejects the phrase grow our business. The Panel is more accepting of, though not enthusiastic about, the phrase grow our way, perhaps because of way's established use in expressions like make our way and find our way: 48 percent accept We've got to grow our way out of this recession. The Panel has no affection for the odd but occasionally heard phrase grow down: 98 percent reject If elected, I shall do my utmost to grow down the deficit.

The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition copyright ©2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Updated in 2003. Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.

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grow

Verb

[growing, grew, grown]

1. (of a person or animal) to increase in size and develop physically

2. (of a plant) to exist and increase in size: an ancient meadow where wild flowers grow

3. to produce (a plant) by planting seeds, bulbs, or cuttings, and looking after it: many farmers have expressed a wish to grow more cotton

4. to let (one's hair or nails) develop: to grow a beard

5. to increase in size or degree: the gulf between rich and poor is growing

6. to originate or develop: Melbourne grew from a sheep-farming outstation and occasional port to a city

7. to become increasingly as specified: as the night wore on the audience grew more intolerant

See also grow on, grow out of, etc. [Old English grōwan]

growing adj
grower n

Collins Essential English Dictionary 2nd Edition 2006 © HarperCollins Publishers 2004, 2006

Plenty to think about there I think!