1000 days

A thousand days have passed since I had the news that Rich had died.

A thousand days ago, I woke up and I remembered the news the Police had brought the day before.

A thousand days where I have thought about him every day, missed him, loved him.

A thousand days where my child has, at some point every day, had that lost look in his eyes.  It comes less often now, and for a shorter time, and that is what having intervention at the right time can do for a child.

In a way, I can't get my head around it all still.  There are moments where I expect him to walk in the door, to drop his bag in the middle of the floor for me to fall over.  There are moments when I expect to hear his voice telling me that the coffee fairies have been, or that there is a hole in his cup, or that he is the worlds best taste tester.

Weirdly these days, I expect him to be a part of the life I have with J though.  Not to replace J, nothing could do that, but to be here.  We all still talk about him a lot, he's been on all our minds whilst I've been moving the bedrooms because he built that bed for the AC, and part of my mind can still see him doing that, still hear him chuntering on to the AC about it.  He is a part of our every day lives and I have to say how much I love J for accepting that, and helping AC talk about it and cry if he wants to and all that kind of thing.  He supports us both in so many ways.

Has time been a great healer?  In lots of physical ways, yes. 1000 days ago, and for some time afterwards, I wasn't eating, I wasn't sleeping, I cried a lot, I was exhausted, I couldn't cope with simple tasks. These days I am doing all those things. (I'm still exhausted and should probably speak to the doc about that, but hey, that's working/teaching motherhood for you!)

In lots of mental ways, I'd have to say yes.  I can think beyond the next two minutes.  I am not in fear of what the next police car in my layby will be.  I don't have to have my son within sight perpetually incase something happens to him.  I am able to section that part of my life off, gift wrap it with happy memories, and then open a new section where I can love again, (and I do!) and live again and trust again and risk again.

Yesterday was tricky in some ways, because I had to face the fact that it was 1000 days since he kissed me goodbye.  I had my FB friends, and my twitter peeps, (@Madyline) and real life people, and I got through.  I didn't tell the AC because he doesn't need to remember the focus being on the numbers, on the death, he needs to focus on the memories, when he remembers it needs to be in a good way, and he does.

1000 days.

It's a long time.

Wait and see!

The He-Ex is in weird form at the moment. He has the AC on a Tuesday and Wednesday after school (3.15-6pm) and on a Friday (3.15-6pm Saturday) The AC keeps coming back not bathed. So I emailed him about it - keeping everything written down - and he seems to think it's ok for the AC not to bath on a Wednesday or a Saturday night. I don't, so he baths here on those nights. But previously he's said he won't do it because it interupts playtimes. Bath time *is* part of playtime here! But then we have a mopable floor and like to play whatever the AC is wanting to play. Increasingly though, as a small boy, he needs to a) be doing things for himself, and b) he needs a little privacy when bathing. I know he doesn't need the latter yet really, but he's getting used to the idea that his body is his own, and if something happens to it that he doesn't like, he needs to say, whether it's food going in, issues with what comes out, someone hurting him, he needs to say. Over the last year, he has been, even to the point of asking not for tickles after a certain point, which is good. It's his body, he needs to feel that he has control over it in many, many ways. Unless he's after getting his ear pierced, which as a 5 year old boy is a no no no no! When he's 15, fine, do the stupid stuff that children that age do, knowing you've made your own decisions, but not right now little man!

Right now, he's after joining the Cubs. It would be fine at the moment, but less so when he goes up to Junior Class for his martial arts, as it's on at the same time. In fact, his Junior Class is going to be difficult as all of the times are times he is with his father. Even now his father skips the Saturday class when he feels like it, and this one would be later in the day, so even more inconvienient.

We'll wait and see what happens. I'd like him to join Boys Brigade, but there isn't one near here. There's Cubs and Scouts, which would be a lot of Saturday commitment, again, debatable with his father, and on a Wednesday evening, which would be good in some ways as then his father would drop him off and I would pick him up, except his father would stay, which parents are disuaded from but it won't stop him lol!

Waiting and seeing seems to be the theme for this side of my life this week!

We've woken up to two comments on the blog. That, coupled with the messages last night about Mothering Sunday and wanting to work things out got me thinking at 5am when I was debating getting up or trying to go back to sleep.

My conclusion was simple, but the same as it has been before. I'll wait and see what happens. If *I* hear from her, that's cool. The second she starts on me, or R, or the past, or cussing and swearing or any aggression, it's gone again. She knows where I am. (Heavens, that's most of the problem lol!)

I don't want to go back to not wanting to check my mail because she's being vile again.
I don't want to go back to watching her degenerate into a screaming fishwife on MSN.
I don't want to go back to the name calling, the lying, the horribleness.

I appreciate that she wants to make an effort - this week. But less than 3 weeks ago she was being horrible to R, because he wasn't told that the BG-Grandmother was going away for teh week and therefore he had to phone the She-Ex instead.

We'll wait and see. I think it's all we can do.

The car has a rotten wheel arch, which is replacable, but we're going to wait and see what James says before we decide which one we'll run this summer.

Still no news on what's happening at school after Easter, again with the wait and see.

Still no Fed-Ex, now we both think it hasn't been sent, or at least not sent on the day she said it was being sent (and again with th fact that this was only a couple of weeks ago - can she change her spots that fast on a permanent basis? I want her to have, but does she?)

Still no idea what to have for tea lol, so I think everyone is waiting and seeing on that one!

Life is good, but tricky in places!