Monday, June 29, 2009

Calm, calm calm....

... and I am calm.

Big prayers. Big cups of tea. Big cuddles from my Adorable Child.

At the end of the day, we live with our choices, and we live with her choices. She asked what we have to live with as "Apart from R not having BG, his life is pretty damned spiffy"

I cannot comprehend the question in so many ways. It's as if she equates BG on one side of some scales, with what we have on the other. As if, because we have a nice house, good secure jobs that we love, healthyish incomes, a beautiful son and cat and fish and car and so on, as if all that means that actually we go "Yeah, BG doesn't matter - I have new curtains!"

As if we could fill the hole left by stolen memories that can never, ever be made, with just stuff.

I sent an irritated email, and now I'm calm. She's sending banal emails about nothing, but no apology for the crassness of her statement, nothing that says "I'm sorry for being abusive for the last 2 days" (Actually, this was funny earlier, because she asked if I was "on the rag"! Now there's a trashy expression I haven't heard in years!)

I am stunned again by her inhumanity and self centred ness, as though it wouldn't occur to her that we would still miss BG after almost 4 years since he and BG lived together. I know how he feels about not living with the She-Ex, and it's not for me to comment on here, but he's happy now.

And so she carries on, as if nothing happened. She will never even see the problem.

More tea I think. Much more tea. How terribly English of me lol!

"Apart from"

Those two words just woke a sleeping tiger.

As if a child didn't matter. As if material posessions were worth more. As if the hole that a child leaves in a life is automatically filled with "stuff."

More later, but now I need to settle down, remember the circumstances that created those words, pity the one who wrote them for the inability to understand what she did, and move right along.

Change of plan :-(

Got to put the targets into my reports by computer rather than type them in. Oh well, it doesn't take long!

Then the rest of the day will start!

Morning world!

I do feel better this morning, although it was a rubbish nights sleep. It always is without him home to snuggle up to. We almost always lie spoons to go to sleep, him curled all the way around me, so big, so protective, so warm and caring and fabulous.

So him.

He always whispers goodnight, and that he loves me, whether I'm awake or asleep. I could never doubt he did with the amount he says it and shows it!

I'm a bit sore in places and I think I probably overdid it a bit yesterday, but I'm afraid this body has to wake up and get on with it because I am not going to pander to this child's disease by lying around doing nothing.

I've made my suggestion to He-Ex for the summer holidays (He has M-T-W and AC is here Th-F-Sa-Su) as that puts it into 2 blocks, which is what he wanted and gives us the weekends, which we haven't had since the He-Ex moved out. No answer as yet.

The She-Ex conversation went on and on and on and on last night. Thanks to continued prayer, I was able to stay calm and focussed through the whole thing, even though she dismissed my training and teaching, determinedly focussed on her, and not on BG and R, and was deliberately trying to wind me up. I just kept saying "I am not going to talk about this, I will talk about her reading, but that's it." There is some kind of issue with how much the BG has to be able to read when she goes back to school in August. She has her meet and greet on the 13th and is back to school properly on the 14th, which is 54 days. There should never be pressure put on a child to read - it's the surest way of them *not* reading. I made my issues over the new book that She-Ex wants to use very clear, but I suspect she will go ahead with it anyway as she made clear her disregard for any help I can give last night. I even sent her part of the email in which *she* says what I suggested was working. It was also suggested to her by another teacher. But she's ditching it for what she thinks will be a quick fix. I don't think it's going to be as easy as that. I went over BG's report card and letters again last night, and I definately think that there is an issue, but I need R to be home so I can show him what I've found. But she finished off with a "nIgive up [sic] you win" which just says it all to me. This wasn't about BG, it was about me and her again. I am praying that she sees that everything is not a battle or a competition or whatever, that life is what it is. In somethings I know more than her. In others, she knows more than me. But it's not a competition - there is too much at stake for that. BG's whole future shaping lies in the next 6 months. If she goes into 2nd grade thinking she can't read and she's not able to learn, then Houston, we will have a problem, she will continue the behaviour patterns from this year which will be even more unacceptable in 2nd grade and mark her out as different just as children get really cruel. I don't want that for her. All I want is for her to be able to read. To have the same opportunities as AC does, to love learning for it's own sake, whether book learning or practical learning. To have lots of open doors for her, rathen than some shut.

But I will not let it depress me - there is nothing I can do. I have provided my professional help, with the assistance of others at school, based on the data from school and the anectdotal evidence fron school and She-Ex. Another teacher has also given them the same kind of advice. If the She-Ex chooses to ignore it, then whilst it is frustrating that she doesn't seem to get how much damage this could do to BG's reading, there is nothing I can do.

Move on people, nothing to see here.

Today's plan?



take AC to school.
come home.
make bread
collect AC

We're done lol!

And my son has just declared an intention to be a druid when he grows up. Fair enough lol!