Except we all know what I'm avoiding don't we?
Yesterday was 11 months. 11. The next 17th will be a year since Rich kissed me, told me he loved me and he'd see me later, waved bye to the AC, left the house, and roughly 30 minutes later was dead on a road. Yesterday, all day, I wanted J, needed him, just needed his arms around me. And all day it felt like I was cheating on Rich, like I was having some kind of affair behind his back.
With many huggles and some tears later in the evening, I got over it, but it's hard for J to hold me whilst I cry for the death of Rich. And that's what it is. I'm not crying for him any more - I'm not stupid, I know he can't come back in his old form, whatever a person believes - but for the death of him, for the reality that is road travel, for the reality that is life, that it can all be taken away as quick as anything.
It's a reality check.
So hug those close to you today, keep them closer and closer, because one day, they won't be there.
Oh my word - I've just reread this - how depressing!
In other news, the house is looking good, the carpet people *are* coming next week after all, on Tuesday, Dad is grouting the tiles on Wednesday, and all is good.
I also am very aware that I have this chance with J to be happy again, and that some of those tears last night were from an overwhelming, crushing fear of having to go to the hospital to identify him. He said to me "Nothing's going to happen to me!" and I wanted to tell him how Rich used to say he was indestructible. But then, Rich also knew he would die early, and had told me that ever since we met.
It is what it is.
And it's Father's Day on Sunday. Hard for Rich every year - and no, the card from last year that was supposed to be so amazing never did turn up. He only ever had what *I* arranged for him on Father's Day, and it's enough to almost make me glad that he won't be hurt again this year. This year, who knows how the AC will take it. We'll be away again, because he seems to cope better when we aren't in a familiar place for events like these. It'll be J's first Father's Day since his wife ran off (funny how he's like Rich in that respect as well lol!) but T-boy will be with us. We're shopping on Saturday morning, and I'll take the boys to sort out their Father's Day things together for their respective fathers.
It will all be fine.