Friday, August 28, 2009

Giving up on today

Today is just a seriously odd day.

The AC and I have had a good day. We've been out for lunch, been to the pictures, (saw Aliens in the Attic - very funny film) been to play at a friends house, come home, he went straight to sleep, it's all good right?



I have no idea what is wrong, but it is. Something is wrong. I can't keep my gameface going forever, I know that, and that's cool. I'm not expecting to be able to.

I think it's more of an anticipation of a storm about to break. The She-Ex has been very very quiet. I have no idea if she is still reading this, and I doubt she'd tell me honestly if she was. It's like evesdropping, or something else equally sneaky. But I expect she's enjoying the more painful posts. She said she wanted me to suffer, well now I am.

I-t-B has been on holidays, and I really hope he had a good time. I have no idea when he's due home, nor when or if he'll contact me. I have no idea about any of it.

And I think that's the problem.

I don't know.

And Rich and I always sorted things out together. We talked them over, usually late at night, in the dark, curled up against each other, his arm over mine, his leg over my leg, holding hands in the dark and talking, giggling, crying, anything and everything together. I feel like a part of me is missing. I feel like my grounding is gone. He kept me solid, just like I did for him.

I can't bear to look at a picture with his face on it right now. No, not his face, his eyes. Piercing blue eyes he has, that know my soul. He knows me inside and out, and no one has ever cared enough to do that, or known enough of me to do that. He and I gave all of ourselves to the other one. I knew his secrets and he knew mine. I understood the things he didn't talk about, and the reasons why, and he was the same for me. Maybe they would have come up and we would have talked about them someday, but not now. But when we were us here, they didn't matter.

The past didn't matter. We love the BG, so we keep in touch with her. I cared about her mothers sanity and well being as my friend, but there are only so many lies and attempts at manipulation, and insults, and kicks in the teeth a person can take. So whilst I cared, I stopped trying to be friends with her. Rich couldn't stand her, and had said on more than one occasion that he'd rather live in a 12ft single room than live with her - and he hated small spaces! We had come to terms with the He-Ex. We knew what he was about, and what mattered there, and why. There was an uneasy truce between he and Rich, and between he and I there was what mattered for the AC. Rich and the She-Ex never got to that stage. That wasn't my issue, that was theirs. Letting go was a problem for her, and that's ok. We all have our problems.

But our pasts were an irrelevance. The children were in our present, and our Ex's were in our past.

Today is destined for the past.

Tomorrow? Who knows.