Saturday, July 18, 2009

The end of day 2

It's the end of day 2.

He's still not home. I know why. It's ok, I'm not having some kind of delusional moment. It just feels like he's away again, in Khandahar or somewhere. Somewhere where he'll come home in just before September, just like last year.

Today we went to see where it happened. It was ok. I can see how it happened, and I can see what happened, and now I have the picture in my head that I needed.

Today the RAF came. There are lots of legal things to sort out. I think Ian is dealing with lots of it. I don't know.

Today the Minister came. There are lots of things to sort out there.

Today Caroline and Danny came. Thank God for them.

One of the things I now know about my life is just how many friends we have. I have. *I* have. No more we.

No little brother or sister for the AC - he will always just be him now.

No more.

No more.

We even had the Newspaper round. We referred them to the police. I have a Family Liason Officer. Don't I feel special.

The AC is in bed.
Caroline and Danny are sleeping downstairs tonight.
I am in our bed.

My bed.

There has been an email from the She-Ex, but Caroline has dealt with it. I can't right now. I keep trying to email the BG, and just not knowing what to say. I want to hold her, to read her "No Matter What!" just like I did the AC this evening. To tell her stories about her Daddy and choose a star with her.

But I know what was said, and I take it as read. I have lost her as well.

All I have now is the AC.

and a million, billion supportive friends and family.

And all I want.

is him to come home.

3 hours later

.... and it's still true.

I had half thought hoped dreamed that I would wake up this morning and it would be Friday morning again, and I would be in bed with him and this would have been some particularly nasty kind of dream.

I've dreamt through whole days before. It happens.

And it isn't.

It is just the living nightmare of see-sawing numbness and pain that it is.

The next few weeks are set to become an endless list of to-do and people to see. Today it is the Police again, and the RAF.

Caroline is on her way down, Ian and Mum will go back today. To be honest, I can't think further than 7.50 this morning, when it will be 24 hours that he has been dead. I keep making myself use the word, or killed, or something like that, to make me realise he isn't coming home in a week from Bisley, or a few weeks from Khandahar, but there is a part of me still hoping, just like we did with the baby.

I guess they get to be together though, and AC and I will join them many years from now.

Who knows.

From the lynn news.

A 34-year-old motorcyclist from the Lynn area died after being involved in a collision with two cars on the A134 Lynn Road at Wereham this morning.
Police are appealing for witnesses to the incident, which happened at about 7.50am at the junction with Lime Kiln Road and closed the A134 for about four-and-a-half hours.

A Norfolk police spokesman said: "A Triumph 900cc motorcycle was travelling along the A134 towards Thetford when, for reasons unknown, it was involved in a collision with a cream Daihatsu Sirion and a green Daewoo Espero.

"Sadly the rider of the motorcycle, a 34-year-old man from the Lynn area, died as a result of the collision."

The 21-year-old driver of the Daihatsu, which was also travelling towards Thetford, comes from the Lynn area and was uninjured.

A 39-year-old woman from the Downham area was driving the Daewoo, which was travelling in the opposite direction, towards Lynn. She received minor hand injuries and was treated by an ambulance crew at the scene.

The name of the motorcyclist is not being released until formal identification has taken place and next of kin have been informed.

Police said a silver Ford Puma is also believed to have been in the area at the time of the collision.

The A134 was closed from 7.50am to 12.30pm, with a diversion set up at the B1160 roundabout on the outskirts of Wereham, while emergency services dealt with the aftermath of the collision.

Officers are keen to speak to anyone who may have seen what happened or who saw any of the vehicles before the accident. Anyone who can help should contact PC Michael Robertson at Norfolk police's serious collision investigation team on 0845

The first day of the rest of my life.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

Yesterday, R died in a bike accident. It was a freak thing, and as far as we know it was no-ones fault. Only he was hurt.

I look back at yesterday mornings post, and I recognise the girl who wrote it, as though seeing a strangers face for the second time. I am numb inside, but every now and again I cry, huge sobbing aching noisy cries.

It's 2.17 am.

He died at 0750.
I knew at 1115.
I saw him at 1335.
It was definately him.

And yet I have this vagueness, like he is just away in Khandahar again. Like he'll be back and this will all have been some stupid mistake.

It won't have been.

I know it won't have been.

I can still feel him with me, but distant. I know if I could clear my mind of the numbness, that he would be here with me. He will never leave me, I know.

But there is no more option of climbing back into bed with him, all warm and gorgeous.

So I'm up.

His brother is asleep on the sofa.
My mother is asleep upstairs.

I feel like I just need to go outside, and walk and walk and walk and he will find me.

Practically, there is so much to do.
Emotionally, I am exhausted already, and there is so much to still go through.
Physically, I am tired.
Mentally, I am drained.

He is gone, and it is not fair, and I want him back.