Friday, December 31, 2010

It's heading towards the end of the year....

.... again.

I don't remember a lot of last year.  Or early this year.

Tomorrow it's a new year.  Tomorrow it's 2011.  Tomorrow I can no longer say that Rich was killed last year.  It's a further distancing from the Event.  It is 76 weeks today.  Time is passing.

Is time healing?

I don't know.  In some ways, yes it is.  It is easier to go about my daily task as the numbness settles in to stay about it all.  I can talk about him without crying, I can listen to our music without a complete snot-fest, I still find going to the KSW dojo really, really, hard, but I can do it now, where I couldn't before.

I have moved to a new relationship - J and I are happier by the day, AC and he are deeply enjoying being around each other and as a family we are good together.  I could not have imagined that at this point last year.  I've just looked and I can see the shiny front I was putting up, and the cracks that were all over it that my loving friends either ignored for as long as I wanted them too, or filled in with tea and biscuits and hugs until they were whole again.

I have forgiven I-t-B for his behaviour.  He took Rich's ashes and fled to where he lives, despite having told me the afternoon before we would collect them together and dispose of them together.  He then left on holiday for a while, abandoning the ashes in his house.  On his return, he scattered them somewhere.  He said it was Glastonbury Tor, something which made me laugh in a way, as Rich disliked Glastonbury

More later.  I feel a review of the year coming on.....  Well.  As much of it as I can remember!

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Oh my word

The AC's dad is off on one again.

He's going away for the weekend with his latest squeeze.  Am I bothered he has a girlfriend? Ummmm. No.  I was very happy with Rich, I am very happy with J, and if he and the She-Ex had partners life would have been then, and would be now, much nicer for all of us.

I sent back a joking text saying that I was glad his finances had sorted themselves out a bit, and I would look forward to seeing that reflected in the AC's maintainance. Rich never ever shorted the BG, J never shorts T-boy, but the He-Ex feels it is fine to short us all the time, and because I feel sorry for him, I let him get away with it.

I'm in the middle of working out the AC's running costs (outside of the house) for his father just so he can see how much it costs, financially, to maintain this particular child.  J would never ever see the AC go without, and we have been very fortunate, AC and I, in that his stepfathers love him without question and without measure and that he loves them the same way.

Can I pick good men?  Does the Lord provide them?  I know what I think.......


He's gone off on one and I am the Queen of Evil, demanding money from him blah blah blah.

I have never been like that.  I have never wanted to be like that.  I have worked so hard *not* to be part of the nasty Ex-Wife community, because I am not like those people.  I would never use the child as a pawn, like some mothers do, or demand extra money, or withhold pictures, or not let my child see his or her father, or speak to them or whatever.  I busted my backside to make sure that BG got her money, even when her mother was being the nastiest piece of work I had ever had the misfortune to come across.  Her father and I wrote the blog up every week for her.  We wrote to her via one of her teachers, because her teacher gave more of a damn than her mother did about that poor little scrap.  She's not even my child!  Rich turned down a great job to stay around here so that the AC could see his father regularly as he did then.  Rich took time off work when the AC was ill, he cherished that child, and there were a lot of people who didn't know that they weren't related in the usual manner.

I refuse to be part of the nasty.  I will not join in the Evil Fraternity of Ex-Wives, determined to punish their ex-husband for perceived slights.  I have enough reason to be nasty, but I won't. I won't. I won't.

Robert Fulgrum (Author of Everything I needed to know in Life I learned in Kindergarten) once said

“Peace is not something you wish for; It's something you make, Something you do, Something you are, And something you give away.”

And so that's what I'm going to do.  I'm going to make peace with him, think about how we can maintain it, be peaceful to him, and hopefully he'll gain peace from that.

I can hope.

Time to make a ToDo list......

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Catching up with Christmas

Right, I'm sitting on the floor, typing on my laptop which has suddenly decided it can do internet after all (phew!) and watching Kimora, Life in the Fab Lane.  It's on all day.  I like that.  It's escapism at it's best!

Christmas Day was fabulous.  We were at J's mum and dad's and it was lovely.  Very quiet, just them, us, and the two boys (after we picked T-boy up)  AC was very impressed with his helicopter from J and I, and it hasn't been out of his sight since.  He's taken it to his fathers today.

We came back here on Boxing Day, (or Christmas Sunday, depending on your view of these things!) and had a quiet afternoon, J, AC and I, watching a couple of films, and making lego models and so on.

Yesterday we went to Hannah and Alan's for the Big Family Get Together.  It was brilliant.  We are so great at being together LOL!  We chilled, we ate too much, we swapped presents, we chatted, we ran the Baja, we flew heli's, we just had a great time being together.

Today, AC went to his father's at 9am, and will be home 1230 tomorrow.  We're going to the pictures to see Gulliver's Travels in 3D, just he and I.  It's going to be nice to have some just us time.  We'll probably get a hot chocolate and cake afterwards, and chat, and just connect again after a deeply hard time in the week before Christmas.  Emotionally the boy was tired, I was tired, and we both just needed that quiet time together.  But we had T-boy, who does *not* do quiet lol!

ah well.

I have work to do........

Friday, December 24, 2010

Just look


How awesome is this.  Rich is so proud, according to the AC, and I'm with the AC on this one.  She looks gorgeous, and is a fitting tribute to a real hero of a man.

I've put it on my FB, I've emailed I-t-B about it, and I've written it onto BG's blog.  I won't email her mother though - I'm sure they look at the blog regularly anyway......... ;-)

It's just so excellent.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Twas the morning before....

.... the night before..... Christmas and all through this house,
not a creature is stirring, (the cat ate the mouse.)
No stockings are set by the chimney with care,
because there's every chance that we won't be there.

The child is nestled still snug in his bed
Whilst visions of helicopters fly through his head.
And J in his duvet is still having his sleep
Whilst I have a long list of "to do" to keep.

All over the country arose such a snow
That kept them all in, with nowhere to go
There is nothing here though to stop our travelling
And so I sit with my mind unravelling.....

Anyway, I could carry on like this for hours, because this poem is quite good, quite easy to pick the rhythm up from and simple to copy, but to be frank, I don't have the time.

Today we need to find space for the tree, put up, decorate and stack presents under said tree.  I need to do Christmas shopping for a variety of people, including the two boys that I have with me.  This will include wrapping paper and stocking fillers.  I have to prepare a meal for tonight for a guest, which I suspect that T-boy will refuse to eat, so I have to make something for him. (Against my better judgement) I have to tidy, wash up, wash clothes, think about packing for Friday, wrap presents, and write cards.  We need to decide if we are going to go to Leamington for Christmas or if we are staying here because of the weather.  We have no snow.  Nothing.  De nada.  Other places have 10 inches.

Oh, and I would like to make biscuits etc as presents for people as well.

A brief update of My Life Since Friday.

Last day of term, also a 17th, also Christmas performance, also Life Being Tiring, also a partly (ice based) interesting drive to Leamington to collect T-boy and staying overnight with J's parents.  Who are Lovely.

Drive back to here, food shopping, working, sleeping, Baja Bug building.

Baja bug building, over sleeping, dinner making

Card making, tidying, grumbling T-boy (about everything!) patient AC, router no longer wireless for reasons best known to itself

Washing machine fountain (not in a good way) pipes frozen, Dad to Save The Day, T-boy difficult, less patient AC big computer plugged back in, I unfreeze all pipes except the washing machine one which is an Odd Shape.


Dad to finish Saving The Day, T-boy absurdly difficult at lunchtime, AC not patient at all, me not patient at all, Mother to Save The Day, extra children in the afternoon to distract all of us, deep breaths all round, T-boy angry because he can't have same snack as the others (he didn't eat his lunch at all - should be cheerful he got ANY snack!) supplied tea I knew he would eat and all went flying in the evening.



And over all of this is the Solstice, which was Rich's Celebration of this time of year, and I miss him.  But I have decided I will probably send the DC after Christmas if she asks again.  I can be the bigger person.  Metaphorically speaking.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Last day of term

Today is the last day of term. I don't like last days of term, generally, as a rule, mostly, kinda. I want the holidays, because I want to spend proper time with my beloved child. We have a lot to do as well! We have biscuits to make, and decorations to make, and a tree to get and decorate, and a cake to do, and presents to wrap, and all that kind of thing. We're going to a Carol concert in town, and grandparents to see and Things To Do.

We are going to be busy. Busy is good.

But there is a joy to share as well. On Wednesday night we went indoor flying. My son learnt to fly a helicopter with J. They sat together and when the AC managed it and swiftly picked it up to fly forward and backwards right and left hand circuits, J was so proud - almost as proud as AC was of himself.

The last night they started building a baja bug together (YouTube it!) and it will be a long and complicated job, but to see them planning something together was a joy to behold. We are so blessed to have had two men to raise the boy who love him so dearly, whoare sch good fathers.

It is sad in some ways, because their own children didn't have the benefit of their brilliant parenting. But that was the choice to their respective mothers, not mine and the AC. We just got lucky.....

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

The slipping of the game face

Today my game face slipped.

At the class party. Bad timing.  The timing couldn’t have been worse.  90 children, and all I want to do is cry.




Because I love my son.  Because he wants Rich back for Christmas so badly, that when the vicar was in, playing and singing Rudolf the RedNose Reindeer with the same gusto and enthusiasm that Rich used to, with hand actions, and Sam couldn’t manage that.  He cried.  His head ached, his mind overblew, and he melted, quietly, emotionally, miserably, exhaustedly into a puddle of sobbing child.  He was sitting a few rows in front of me and every part of my mother heart wanted to go to him, but instead, I signed to his teacher that he was crying (got to love Makaton sign language) and she was able to relay that sign to a TA, who picked the AC up and guided him over to his teacher.  She sat him on her lap, cuddled him, let him cry it out, then found him a job to do.  He played the CD whilst the rest of them did pass the parcel. He was happier.  My baby is too old in his heart for childish games some days.

I let go, just a little bit today, of the burden that I have held since Rich died.  I let the boy go just a little.  I realised that it wasn’t just me that could salve his heart, and that I could trust other people to care for my child in the same way that I would. 

I love him.  We are both still hurting so much, and it feels like it will never go away.

And yet, my resilient child is able to love again, as I am, but to love and to trust and to believe that J will always be there for him, the way he believed that Rich would always be there for him.  In fact, the way he believes that Rich *will* always be there for him.

Time to adjust the sellotape around the edge of the game face, and go out again.


*Mwah* darlinks……..

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Brain dump

I’m in a brain dumping kind of mood.


I feel like I’m overflowing with thoughts that, if I don’t exorcise them now, will cause my brain to explode.  I know some of this is due to ongoing issues with my broadband, currently working at 8kps.  Mmmm.  8.

I don’t really know where to start though.  I’m irritated that the lack of broadband is bothering me so much.  Why do I need the internet so much?  What do I do on it everyday?

Ok, so I get up, make a brew and check Fb and my mail, and then a couple of bloggy things, and then I try and write on my blog, and then I get the stuff sorted for school, then I get sorted and go.


And suddenly I’m tired, too tired for this.  Just too tired.  Sofa is calling.  Back soon.

Monday, December 13, 2010

First day back......

It's the first day back for me today.  Again.  I've never had this much time off sick on one term, (I would say 1 year, but chicken pox was 2 weeks - chicken pox!  At 34!)  and so we're back this morning.

I'm not desperate to be back.

It's end of term this week.  This Friday.  Which falls on a 17th.  Nice.  Which is, for those of us who cannot help but count, 74 weeks, or 17 months.  Lovely.

On the other hand.  (and please people, let us look at the other hand ;-) for after all I am being *so* brave.........) On the other hand it will be another month that J and I have been together.

That's a good thing.

I will find that silver lining.  I will.

Work peoples.

Sunday, December 12, 2010


So on Friday afternoon I had a FB message to say an Internet friend of mine, who I've met a couple of times but known on the net for 12 years, was dying.

On Friday night, late, her life support was switched off.  She has 2 daughters in their older teens.

I know I've moaned on about being ill, and had a massive moan about the She-Ex being rude, and I'll be honest, the burning chest part of me is really painful at the moment and making me decidedly short tempered, but it's nothing to what these girls are going through.  Nothing.  She's been ill for a long time, whereas we didn't have to watch Rich die slowly, there was no life support - not that I would have been allowed to turn it off for him anyway.  I'm not his next of kin.  The She-Ex would have had that right, and she would have left him alive for as long as possible, just to see us suffer as some kind of revenge.  She wouldn't have come over and seen him - she didn't even let his daughter come to his Celebrations.  But she would have known he was suffering and enjoyed it.  I know his injuries, where she didn't, and still doesn't, and I'd have pulled the plug in a heartbeat.  At least, I hope I would have been strong enough.

But these girls had to make that choice.  Poor loves.  Please pray for them as they start the rest of their lives, effectively orphaned.  And phone your mothers, to tell them you love them.

Friday, December 10, 2010

And now we're chilling....


I'm still home, still ill, although I have managed to do the dishwasher and the washing machine - then had to go and sit down for 30 mins, then get up and clean half the kitchen - then go and sit down for 30 mins.  I have pulled my stomach muscles from coughing so much, and I can't even lift anything to put the bin bag out.

This is somewhat ridiculous.

I am not good at being ill.

On the other hand, I have a letter from the doc about going to see the orthopaedic team, which has to be a good thing. I even get to choose when lol!

Right, I have to get a shuffle on as I've got some serious relaxing and getting better to do - we've got the whole of the Christmas shopping to do tomorrow as well!


I found this in my comments box today.

I don't know why you aren't getting my messages.please, can we have the death certificate? Please?

It had her address on it as well, but I'm not putting that up here, because I'm not that unkind, and I *am* fully aware of cybersecurity.

So then I had a look in my inbox.  And then in the spam box.  And then in the Lori file.

I found these.


I have to ask this again

please can i have richards death certificate?

you promised it over a year ago.

and I need it

my address is 

Lori Hannis

(address removed)
Thank you




Yet again. because some how I don't think you got the last email. I'll send it from this one

I really need Richards death certificate, it would be really nice of you to send it, please.

Our address, again.

(address removed)

Thank you


I'm sure we can all see the interest in how the AC and I are, the information about how BG is, and all that kind of thing.  No?  No.  Me neither.

And actually, this is what she said about the Death Certificate

btw, don't worry about the death certificate...
Ian is getting me one, hold on to the precious thing, for what ever reason you are with holding it"

So suddenly, I have to jump because she says?  She's been like this for 5 years, and I've had enough.  I have no idea why she wants it, and to be honest, I'm not interested.  My only interest is the BG, and as the last time I heard from Lori it was to be told that AC and I were nothing to her

in fact "You and Sam, no longer have any reason to be in contact with her.

Step families, don't count.

ANd that's all you ever were to her.

She will be told you and Richard were planning on taking her away from me.

That you two were planning on filing her head full of tons of lies about me.

She will be told all of that.

So while you are having fun planning and living your life.

Remember that.

all you two ever did was hurt her."

And now I have to do what she says?  Whilst *I* am still sorting out DVLA, and Barclaycard, and debts from when she and he were together (the milkman one still makes me laugh - how the heck does *anyone* get in debt to the milkman!) and she is swanning around as the poor defenceless widow?  She gets the dependants allowance - the AC gets nothing.  That's fine by me - I don't need charity to take care of the child I *chose* to have.  But I'm sorry, if she thinks I will leap to her bidding just because she wants something, she can whistle.

I might send it.  When I'm good and ready.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Home. Ill.

And that's all I want to say about that.


And daytime TV is rubbish.  What is Maury Povitch on?  How on earth do they make this rubbish as an example of how great America is?  Really?


And that is now, *all* I want to say about that.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010


...... one voice.

Totally gone.

Hmmm.  I can't phone in sick to work - Sue would never hear me, and would think I was a heavy breathing pervert.  I also feel fairly ok, or at least I will do once I've showered and eaten.  I'm not sure how contagious I am - I must have got it from some child anyway lol!

I'll just do a lot of ActivPrimary stuff I think, and we'll see what happens.  At least I can arrange with Sue to text in tomorrow and she'll know it's for real lol!

And yes, I'm lol-ling.  I find it funny when I don't have a voice.  Once the sore throat has stopped, obviously.

In other news, I logged onto Yahoo messenger for the first time in a long time yesterday.  The AC and I changed the clothes of my avatar.  (That was why we'd logged on in the first place!)  The She-Ex was on.  I almost messaged her to ask how she was, how BG was, but I didn't.  I thought she might be nasty, not wanting anything to do with me as she said so, so clearly.  I didn't want the AC to see it - he still talks about her and BG, still includes them when he prays, (although the deity he prays to varies, depending on whether he is a druid today or not!) and so I didn't want to shatter that for him.  The She-Ex has been so horrible about him in the past, and I didn't want to take the chance.  I hope they are well though, and planning a glorious Christmas.

What else?  Not a lot really.  I did some 1-1 tutoring, and if you've got children you might like Count On, which is really useful for maths games.

Tesco delivered last night.  Apparently ASDA will deliver to here now - I must check that out.  Anyway, it's almost ten to 7, so I'd best shake myself and turn off Torchwood before the AC comes down!

Laters people.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

The voice.....

..... is a bit there and not there this morning.  This is not a good thing.

However, I've only got to teach this morning, and one of the hours we'll be swimming for, so it's not a heavy load today.  I do have 1-1 Tutoring tonight though.  The nice thing is that I know now that it is about £20 an hour take home, so that's what I need to think about.  Tonight's child is a lovely child, (as is my Friday child!) but he has no interest in being in Tutoring, and is just doing it because his mother wants him to.

J was at the model shop until 10pm last night, with Christmas coming up it's so busy for them.  I did some work but couldn't concentrate so didn't do very much at all really.  Bad form there!  I will do more tonight.

Mary and Joseph were painted yesterday, as was the background, and look lovely, although  massive, and quite how they are going up on the wall I'm not quite sure, but we'll think of something.

My knee is getting worse now, and I actually can't put any weight on it if I've been sitting down.  It eases up within a minute though, so that's fine.  I should have an orthopaedic surgeons appointment later in the month, and that'll get it fixed.

Oh and we also had a phonics staff meeting yesterday, and I was told by the consultant that I could happily carry on doing what we were doing, and not have to follow Letters and Sounds to the absolute ... letter I suppose!  Anyway, I am a happy lady, because now I can a) adapt my teaching so that it meets the need of the child (concept!) and b) I like being right.  I know.  But really?  Who doesn't!  I have not been smug about it though, I'm just getting on with it.

Laters peoples.  I have to shake my tail into the shower.

Monday, December 6, 2010

I are POOOOOORLY and do not want to go school.

But my mum won't write me a note.


She says that it's just a cold and I'll be fine. :-(

and she says I'm 35 and should just be getting on with it lol!

The child has told me to "Man Up Mummy!"

The man has told me I should have the day off school and I should spend the whole day in bed.  With him....

Nobody is taking my pooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrlllllllllllyyyyyyy cold seriously.

Least of all me!

However, I did make some fabulous soup last night, in about 15 minutes.

I slightly fried 1 tsp of minced garlic (from a jar - I know, how lazy!) and 2 tsp of lime pickle. (yes, the hot stuff from the Indian restaurant.)  Then I tipped in a tin of chopped tomatoes and a box of chopped tomatoes and chilli.  Then I added a few more shakes of chilli powder, some Worcestershire sauce, some sugar and heated it all through, blitzed it with the stick blender and slurped it down.  The man had seconds, which as he doesn't like tomato soup is something of a miracle.  The boy was already having fish fingers and beans for his tea, which turned out to be fish finger surprise tea.  The surprise was that they were chicken dippers (makes mental note to label bags more clearly! Or even just label them at all....) but like the good child he is he did try it.  His eyes ran, and he drank a half pint of water, but he was ok!  He did say he'd wait a few months before trying it again.

Anyway, considering I thought we had not a lot of food in, tea was lovely!

However, I *am* still poorly and I do not want to go to school. (I'm going though, because I am not a lazy person by nature!)

Just so we are clear about this.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Fabulous night, grotty morning.

Yesterday and last night were brilliant.  We shopped, J bought me a dress for the evening.

I do not look like this.  This is not me.  However, Julien Macdonald, who is a notoriously stingy-with-material-designer designed this utterly fitted dress.  Utterly fitted.  And I have to say that I saw myself in the ladies loos at this fabulous hotel (and they had fabulous loos!) where we were having a gorgeous meal with great people from J's work, and I thought, "You're 35, nearly 36, and you are looking ok."  Then I went into the big room again, and J put his arm around me, told me he'd missed me, and that I looked stunning.  I believed him!  Usually I think "Oh they're just saying that." but yeah, I was there for that!

Anyway, I have to do the notices and I feel like the European snot fountain.  Cartainly not as attractive as I felt last night!  Laters people.

Fabulous night, grotty morning.

Yesterday and last night were brilliant.  We shopped, J bought me a dress for the evening.

I do not look like this.  This is not me.  However, Julien Macdonald, who is a notoriously stingy-with-material-designer designed this utterly fitted dress.  Utterly fitted.  And I have to say that I saw myself in the ladies loos at this fabulous hotel (and they had fabulous loos!) where we were having a gorgeous meal with great people from J's work, and I thought, "You're 35, nearly 36, and you are looking ok."  Then I went into the big room again, and J put his arm around me, told me he'd missed me, and that I looked stunning.  I believed him!  Usually I think "Oh they're just saying that." but yeah, I was there for that!

Anyway, I have to do the notices and I feel like the European snot fountain.  Cartainly not as attractive as I felt last night!  Laters people.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Cold, conspiracy, confontation

It would appear that everywhere else in the country is trapped by snow.  Schools are closing, trains are at a standstill, airports are closed.  Here?


Here there is a light dusting, enough to be pretty, enough to be slippery, enough to excite the children without allowing them the outlet of actually doing anything with it!  We are fortunate in many ways not to have the snow, especially as we had it so badly at the start of the year.

However it is cold.  -3 for playground duty yesterday.  I still took the children out - it's cold, but not killing cold for healthy children lol!

And then there is the football.  2018 World Cup has gone to Russia.  Putin didn't even turn up, where England's bid was presented by royalty and very high government.  However, even though the Russian stadia are not built yet, and the transport between games could be up to 1000 miles, that's where the cup will be.  Bribery and mafia connections have been denied, but will be investigated.  Really?  I think we can predict what the investigation will find - nothing.  It won't be allowed to find anything.

The last part of the title was confrontation.

It's facebook based, and, in my opinion, incredibly petty.  Someone put on their wall that they didn't see why the students should be rioting and setting fire to things.  I argued the case that students have been told for years to work hard and so on, and now can't afford to go to University, and feel cheated, not only that but Scotland and Wales now get their fees funded, and England faces a massive hike in fees.

Yesterday morning she had deleted me as a friend.  Now to be honest, she was a work colleague who doesn't work at our place anymore, so it's not a great loss.  It just amazed me that she couldn't cope with a difference of opinion.  We all have opinions, and they are different.  If we all thought the same the world would be a dull place indeed!  However, the inability of some people to even consider that others might think differently is something that saddens me, as from people like that come wars.  Now I'm not saying that this person is about to invade Norfolk or whatever (she's snowed in anyway, so she couldn't if she tried!) but the point is that the utter inability to deal with another view point is dangerous.

And don't get me started on the Wikileaks that the US think the UK troops did such a poor job in Helmland.  Fine.  Bring all our boys and girls home.  Your Mr Bush made this mess.  You sort it out.

Thursday, December 2, 2010


"The best town to date in return a holiday is in my conception Greece. Unspoilt beaches, unscarred branch water, likable people and ofcourse plenty of historical remains is verything you requirement to procure some unforgetable time. Over, prices are ok and the comestibles is exceedingly tasty!"

I got this comment on my post yesterday. Obviously it's spam, and I've not put the website address into this post for obvious reasons.

And I got this comment yesterday.

"I say send it and rest in the fact that you did the right thing! You will be blessed of that I am sure. I love how pure your motives are and God sees that as well. ((((hugs))))

Both of these comments picked me up after a difficult conversation yesterday, with someone that Rich and Lori owed money to, nothing to do with me, and who wanted to speak to someone who could tell them what was going on. I've been left to deal with it all. I haven't heard from Ian for a very long time, and the same for the She-Ex. Last I heard she was claiming the "Forces widow" label, with a side order of "My husband was killed".  I've packaged up the DC for them to send today, with a letter confirming dates and so on, and the fact that, as we weren't married, I have no legal or financial or moral responsibility for the debt, the last known address of Lori is  blah blah blah. (no, not putting it here lol!)

However, I think Penny is right. I think I send the calendar to the address I have and if she gets it, she gets it. If she doesn't, she doesn't. I won't know if she does or not anyway lol!  I will put it in God's hands, and trust Him to take care of her.  I don't know if my motives are always as pure as they should be.  I try hard, but sometimes I can feel the urge to be unkind, to let my feelings out.  Sometimes I do on here, sometimes I keep them in my head.  I know she's a nice person to the rest of the world, it's just me lol!  And that's ok.  one day we'll forgive each other, and BG will know all about her father.

The first comment though, was amazingly funny.  I mean, feel free to spam if that's how you make your living, but seriously, spell it properly, use proper syntax, and check what the words mean!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Advent Calendars

Yesterday I went out and bought my 15 Advent Calendars this year.

It started when I had the boy.  Of course the AC needed a calendar.  I love him!

Then we had BG between us, so I always sent her an Advent Calendar, and card making things and bits.  (We never did have a card she'd "made" or anything like that.  Oh, the first year we had a piece of scribbled on A4 paper stuck to some green card.)

Then I became Godmother to the Most Beautiful Twin Girls in the World.  They needed Advent Calendars.  And I love them.

Then I became Godmother to the Most Handsome Twin Boys in the World.  Technically I am only Godmother to one of them, but I have God-adopted the other twin.  I love their mother too much to only send one child an Advent Calendar.  And they had an older brother, so he had one.  And now they have a little sister, so she has one.  And I love them all.

Then I became Godmother to Lilly-bear, my brothers youngest daughter, and the spitting image of my grandmother.  This year, for the first time, she has an Advent Calendar.  And because I love their parents so much, I have bought them for the older children as well, who are 6 and 4 and will not understand why the 18month old has one and they don't. And I love them all.

Then I became Godmother to Lily, (check the spelling to make sure I have them the right way around!) who is Rich's best friends daughter, born after his death, although he knew that if the child was a boy, the parents wanted to call him Richard.  He was so amazed and proud when he was told that.  And Lily has an older sister, also who may not understand, and so she has one too.  Lily gave me hope and a glimpse into the future, into the fact that there was a future, at a time when I didn't believe in one anymore.  I was asked to be her Godmother when I had literally just returned from the inquest an hour before, and I held her, and P asked me, so that if I said no, I had to say it to her face.  Of course I didn't - Godmotherhood is an honour and a privilege.

Last year I sent them to I-t-B's boys as well.  I don't want to upset him, so I didn't get them one this year, but I want to.

I also got one for T-boy and J as well.  J was really pleased! (T-boy doesn't know yet!)

I have the envelopes already to post.  The parents know I will text when they are on their way.  The snow may present some issues, but I'm sure the children will enjoy catching up on their calendars!

It's just BG's one, that sits on my kitchen side.  I don't know if to send it.  Where to send it.  I could use their last known address, but would she even get it if I did send it?  Somehow I doubt it.

I bought it anyway, because I love her.

All of these children are special and amazing and beautiful in their own ways.  They have all given me much more than I could ever give them.  I am, once more, the luckiest person.