Friday, June 25, 2010

Another day....

.... another course
       ......... another memory

Tonight is carnival at school. It's like a huge school fete (fair? in the States?) and it's brilliant.  Last year we talked about getting married, about where and how and when.  Last year we decided that we'd just file for abandonment by the She-Ex, and start the custody case based on the evidence we had, and just go for it, even if we had to remortgage the house.

This year, all is quiet and cool here.

And I have a phonics course to go to.

Laters people.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Catching up...

.... can you tell it's report writing season?

Last year there are gaps in the blogging as well.  Never mind.

This year things are different, that's all.

We went to parade today.  Yeah.  I think that's all I can say about that right now.

The weekend was good, we had a great time at the bbq and it solidified my friendship with Treena, who is lovely.  J and I slept on an airbed in the front room int he end, and apparently when Treena's mum came down we were "cuched" up together (Northern word, meaning snuggled I think!)

T-boy was lovely, although as difficult to feed as ever, and I think we're going to have to look at his nutrition as a cause for his behaviour - not naughty, just very over-active and demanding and so on.

Tonight England are through to the last 16, as are the States, and I have more reports to write and a whole lot of planning to do and a lesson observation tomorrow morning and .... and ..... and.......

But I've just had a lovely snack of banana, strawberries, grapes and apple.  Nummy.

Friday, June 18, 2010

And so it's the weekend.

Except we all know what I'm avoiding don't we?

Yesterday was 11 months.  11.  The next 17th will be a year since Rich kissed me, told me he loved me and he'd see me later, waved bye to the AC, left the house, and roughly 30 minutes later was dead on a road.  Yesterday, all day, I wanted J, needed him, just needed his arms around me.  And all day it felt like I was cheating on Rich, like I was having some kind of affair behind his back.

With many huggles and some tears later in the evening, I got over it, but it's hard for J to hold me whilst I cry for the death of Rich.  And that's what it is.  I'm not crying for him any more - I'm not stupid, I know he can't come back in his old form, whatever a person believes - but for the death of him, for the reality that is road travel, for the reality that is life, that it can all be taken away as quick as anything.

It's a reality check.

So hug those close to you today, keep them closer and closer, because one day, they won't be there.

Oh my word - I've just reread this - how depressing!

In other news, the house is looking good, the carpet people *are* coming next week after all, on Tuesday, Dad is grouting the tiles on Wednesday, and all is good.

I also am very aware that I have this chance with J to be happy again, and that some of those tears last night were from an overwhelming, crushing fear of having to go to the hospital to identify him.  He said to me "Nothing's going to happen to me!" and I wanted to tell him how Rich used to say he was indestructible. But then, Rich also knew he would die early, and had told me that ever since we met.

Ah well.

It is what it is.

And it's Father's Day on Sunday.  Hard for Rich every year - and no, the card from last year that was supposed to be so amazing never did turn up.  He only ever had what *I* arranged for him on Father's Day, and it's enough to almost make me glad that he won't be hurt again this year.  This year, who knows how the AC will take it.  We'll be away again, because he seems to cope better when we aren't in a familiar place for events like these.  It'll be J's first Father's Day since his wife ran off (funny how he's like Rich in that respect as well lol!) but T-boy will be with us.  We're shopping on Saturday morning, and I'll take the boys to sort out their Father's Day things together for their respective fathers.

It will all be fine.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

The Emails

I was right.

(LOL! Are we all ready to LOL?)

BG didn't need the Ritalin that her mother said she did, doesn't have ADHD as her mother said she did, and in fact, all she needed was a better diet, which is what her new school has managed.  Rich and I said that she was eating too much rubbish, too many e-numbers and additives, and were told how wrong we were.  In fact, in December I got......

I'll just have to point out again.

that because of your "certian order" things

Rachels medication she desperately needs will be altered to a less expensive and perhaps not as effective


rachel was diagnosed with adhd today

thank you guys SO MUCH for fighting me for three years on this.

she could have been having help all this time
but NO i was just loosing my mind and not being a good parent and i believe richards phrase was "doing a piss poor job"

But she doesn't so desperately need it and I am so glad because it does such awful things to children, particularly female brains.

Anyway, that's an old email.  The new ones are more or less "I want a death certificate, but here's some news about BG so that you think I care and then you'll send it." progressing to this comment on my blog, which was the last one I received and which


SInce you will not answer my letters perhaps you will here


i have to have it to file my taxes thank you very much

the deadline is in LESS than three weeks.

and i HAVE TO HAVE IT DONE by then,

i asked you for it in january, you said "oh well then since it's not urgent'

well now it is.


thank you very much.

But as she's already said she's getting one from I-t-B, I don't need to bother.  (You know, I still can't think about him without thinking about the Ian-and-me rumour/lie, because it can only have started in one of two places lol!)

In fact the phrase was....  "btw, don't worry about the death certificate. Ian is getting me one, hold on to the precious thing, for whatever reason you are holding on to it."

At the end of the day though, what matters is that the BG is doing well.  Although she was started in the first grade again (so I guess she's a year behind, which means her scores are skewed I suppose?)  which was what the old school wanted to do, and the She-Ex said no.  We said yes, but the She-Ex overruled us by simply not telling Rich about it until it was all done and dusted.  So she's started in the First grade again, so she's now in the same school year as the AC, but 14 months older.

Yesterdays email, started because an idiot hacked my mail and she was one of the people who got the spam, was this.

I realize you might not want to hear this, but it looks like your email has been hacked.

Btw..if you've read the emails, you should be aware that rachel made student of the month in feb...and the honor roll this year...straight a's and b's...

so i guess it really wasn't me being a bad parent...the only thing in this situation  that has changed, is the school.

hope you are happy.


Why wouldn't I be happy that the BG is finally getting somewhere with her education? I love her, I will always love her, and wonder about her.  Apparently she's doing really well.  And she's doing well because they've seen a nutritionist, they've taken her *off* the dope, (and according to the almost last email, it was the school that wanted her on it, not the She-Ex!) her mother isn't hysterically swearing and screaming at her father every other week,  the school are supportive apparently, and  her last years teacher wasn't as good as her first years teacher, who was and still is absolutely marvelous, but struggled with the factual differences of what Rich and the She-ex both told her. (The SCA event was a classic!)  Even this email though, has to throw down a gauntlet.  Still has to try and say that I was wrong, that Rich was wrong, and that it was all someone else's fault and not hers for the effects of her choices on the child.

None of that matters though.  

What matters is she is still a little girl without a living and loving father, that she hasn't seen her father since 2005 because of the choices of the adults around her, and that she will never know what a wonderful man he was.  The AC and J were talking about him yesterday, and how he played with the AC and did homework with him and things like that, and how J can't at the moment, because the long drive to and from work really knocks it out of him.  AC pointed out that Rich used to do exactly the same drive, but we all agreed that he didn't have the T-Boy to look after between work and home, so it was a lot less tiring.  The AC knows, I know, that we are incredibly lucky to have another chance like this one, to have another man in our lives who, whilst he can't fill Rich's boots, he can put his shoes next to them with pride.  One day I will show her where the last of his ashes were scattered at Year and A Day, and tell her of the wonderful man he was, and how good a father he would have been, given the chance.  I will also tell her how hard her mother tried to be a good mother, how much she fought for what she thought was the right thing for her daughter, and how the past is so many different things to so many different people.

But, as they say, this isn't getting the job done.  This is sitting and navel gazing lol.  The past cannot be changed.  The future can only be looked forward to, and I do.  Why shouldn't I?

I'm 35 - that cannot be changed lol.
I'm fit and active and today will walk 2 miles to a course and 2 miles home again, just because it needs doing.
I can fit into a size 10 with a cheerful face.
I have lots of friends.
I have a selection of really best friends, IRL and on-line whom I can call in a heartbeat.
I have the warm memories of a man I love, who raised my son with pride and skill, and who loves us and always will.
I have the love of another man, whom I love in a different way to Rich - but then if there's one thing I know it's that everyone has their own kind of love to give, and to get.
I have a son who loves us, who is secure in his grief, who can see beyond it, who isn't badly behaved because of it, who  has a steady home life and a steady school life.
I have a job I love that pays the bills, and that enthralls me so much I'm doing the start of my masters in September.
I can work, cook, bake, sew, smile and love, all in the same day!
I have lots and lots of reasons to be cheerful.

(aside from the idiot who hacked my email, but I've dealt with that.)

Monday, June 14, 2010

Woah! Busy weekend!

It's been a hectic weekend.

At the end of it, I would have to report that there are now 3 snakes living in the house.  It sounds so simple when I put it like that, but it was a heck of a job getting to that point.  Cassie is massive, Bernie is terminally beautiful, and Monty is very old and very sleepy.

All of the reading SATs are marked.  Most of the data has been put into the computer.  All hail the computer.

I've decided a couple of other things as well, and they are good.  J and I have talked about a lot of things in the last couple of weeks, and it's all good.  We've some busy weekends coming up.  It'll be meeting a lot of new people in our respective lives, for both of us.  Everyone always asks "So how did you two meet?" and it's a tricky answer, but one which our grandchildren will have fun with when we're gone... *that* kind of family story!

Oh this is such a nothing post.  I have a splitting headache and a massive amount of work on.  The He-Ex is being an idiot, but nice to my face, thus proving he is without strength.  I've told him again this weekend that I will not be bullied by him.  I am so much stronger after what the AC and I have been through, that I won't be.

In other news, I did get around to opening those emails from the She-Ex from a couple of months ago.  They deserve a post of their own in a bit.  I might try and sleep again now.

night night lol!

Friday, June 11, 2010

Windy Friday

It was a long night last night.  The rain was intense and the wind was all over the place.  I'm glad that mum and dad were able to come over yesterday with Peter and do the patio doors and sofa operation.

This means several things.

1) We have the new-to-us sofa in the house.
2) We have the old sofa out of the house.
3) If the old sofa gets wet it doesn't matter lol!
4) The dining room table is outside.  This I do not like as it means we are eating on the sofa and not at a table.  Bad for backs and children's manners. (In my not so humble opinion lol!)

The other news is good and just plain weird.

Good news - we may not be having the new carpet down just yet.  For why is this good news Dear Reader?  Because the week after the Year and a Day Celebrations, we will be becoming the loving owners of a black Labrador/retriever cross puppy.  He was born 2 days ago, and currently the wish from the boy and the man is to call him Storm, or Sky.  It depends what he is like.  The child is excited, but understands that we now have 8 weeks to look at what he needs, how much work he will be, how we will train him (untrained or badly trained dogs are a menace to society), when he'll need to be neutered (unneutered dogs and cats are the mark of an irresponsible owner, unless you're planning to breed.  There are too many accidental puppies and kittens as it is.) how many walks he'll need (ideal for getting me moving lol!) and all that kind of thing.

Weird news - I met the parents of the new children that are coming from another school to our school on Wednesday evening. One of them is 8, is a girl, is from the right part of the USA, and is called the same name as BG.  I haven't seen her yet, but.... ouch.  That hurts.  I'll never know how BG is, what she's up to, all that stuff - I mean if her mother won't even show her an e-card we've sent, what's the point in sending anything else, it'll all go in the bin, just like her mother said it would.  She's always been vindictive, but to cut her daughter off from a woman who loves her and who has the last memories of her father is just vicious.


I need to look at our routines again as they are set up for 2 people, (1 adult, 1 child) and now there are 3 and sometimes 4, and the household will be.....

1 x guinea pig (although he may be going to go and live with Aunty Hannah)
1 x lab/retriever cross dog.
1 x Big Fat Cat
1 x Small Ginger Cat
1 x fishtank
1 x crayfish
1 x Boa constrictor.
1 x Royal Python
1 x Albino Burmese Python

The last three move in over the weekend.  All of these require maintenance, feeding, handling, caring for etc.  Oh, and let's not forget that I start my Post Grad in September, and will be on the way to my Masters, and having pieces of paper and letters after my name that say I *do* know what I'm talking about, so listen or don't listen but foe heaven's sake put your child's needs first.

47 weeks today.
5 weeks to Year and a Day.

It's going to be a lovely celebration, and the details are almost worked out (not that there are many lol!) and it'll be great to have somewhere to take the AC and to go myself, and for J and the lads to go that means something to us.  It'll be great to release Rich into the light to go and be someone else, as he believes.  It'll be great to have somewhere to take the BG if she is ever allowed to know anything of her father as he really was and comes over to England.

I wish......

But if wishes were horses, beggars would ride.

Time to get work done.

Laters peoples.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Where's the first half of the week?

I meant to write about this on Sunday night, but it was late, Monday night, but I was working, Tuesday night, but we were trying to shift sofas, and now it's Wednesday morning.  I should be working.

I should be doing a lot of things.

Sometimes at the moment I remember how it was when it was just the two of us, the AC and I, and how much easier it was.  Laziness could take me back there, but it's not the right thing for he and I.  Then I remember how it was when it was the three of us, Rich, the AC and I, and I know that persevering with this relationship is the right thing to do.  To be fair, there's not a lot wrong with the relationship lol!  He loves me, I love him, AC loves us both, we all miss Rich, AC and I love Rich, everyone understands how everyone else is feeling.

But washing for 3 and cooking for 3 and so on, well.  I haven't had to for 10 months.  It's just getting used to something different in that respect.  The fact that every other weekend it is 4 not 3 is more difficult, because T-boy is so difficult to feed. Thank the Lord that the AC is not a fussy child. (he'd be a darn sight thinner if he was lol!)

He's coped with his birthday (there was no e-card from the States, but on the other hand there was no nastiness as there has been in previous years, so it's a score draw as far as I'm concerned.  AC was sad not to hear from BG, but even he said that Lori probably wouldn't let BG send him a card.  Then he asked if BG could read and write enough to send her own card, and I said yes she could, but I don't expect she had her own computer, just as he doesn't either lol!)  He's not a happy lad, he misses Rich and he's taking it out on the rest of the world, but he's getting there.

The weekend was lovely - I met J's parents, who are lovely, and who apparently think I am just what he needs.  I met J's best friend, who texted him later to tell him I am lovely and it's lovely to see him so happy.  I met J's tattooist, and observed the tattooing, and things were interesting.  It was a great weekend, that I really enjoyed, AC really enjoyed, T-boy enjoyed bits of it, and it was good.

In other news, we have a new-to-us sofa.  It's in the garage because the new patio doors don't open wide enough to let it in.  Or the old one out.  We are investigating this.........

Report writing season is upon us - also why there has been less in here recently.

I have discovered how to sleep again - also why there has been less in here recently!

However now I have to work, so I will catch you all laters.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Gorgeous gorgeous day....

... and I'm inside writing reports.

That's what happens when you are a responsible teacher I suppose. *grumble* :-)

However I have to get them done today.

Originally I had 3 days to get the reports done and the house finished before we went away for the weekend.  It's the AC's birthday on Sunday, and he just needs to be away from here.  Rich always made such a fuss of him on his birthday, so J and I have decided we will be somewhere else.  We're going to see J's parents to sleep, then Saturday go to a battle re-enactment event (NOT like SCA lol - these things really happened lol!) to see Charlie, then on Sunday go to see J's tattooist, and then to a falconry centre to see a friend of J and have tea and so on.  All these things are things we didn't do with Rich, and so they cannot be things that remind the AC.  We'll have T-boy with us as well, which is lovely, and it should be a good weekend.

So.  The plan was that I would have 3 days to do reports.  AC was being collected by his father on Wednesday am, and T-boy was coming on Friday night.  But no!



AC was here until 3.30 on Wednesday, and T-boy is coming tonight.  I had a fab day with AC, we went swimming, and up the SouthGate, and played in the park, and so on.  However, I didn't get any reports done! (Hmm, which would I have rather done?  I think we all know that, Dear Reader!)  Tomorrow T-boy and I will go to the park and play, maybe picnic out for lunch, and pack things ready to go away as soon as AC gets back from Legoland where his father has taken him for a few days.  He'll have had a fabulous time, and he and his father are getting on better again at the moment.

So in effect, I have had...... today.

And I'm getting there.  They aren't as individual as I'd like at the moment, but I'll change that when I go through and do the names and so on.

In other news, I have a new phone.  I like it.  My old phone was a pain in the rear.
I also have mastered the lemon cheesecake. Oh yes.
I've also found the whole of a poem that I have loved the first verse of for a long, long time.


IF YOU HAVE a friend worth loving,
Love him. Yes, and let him know
That you love him, ere life's evening
Tinge his brow with sunset glow.
Why should good words ne'er be said
Of a friend-till he is dead?

If you hear a song that thrills you,
Sung by any child of song,
Praise it. Do not let the singer 
Wait deserved praises long. 
Why should one who thrills your heart 
Lack the joy you may impart?

If you hear a prayer that moves you 
By its humble, pleading tone, 
Join it. Do not let the seeker 
Bow before his God alone. 
Why should not your brother share
The strength of "two or three" in prayer?

If you see the hot tears falling
From a brother's weeping eyes,
Share them. And by kindly sharing
Own our kinship in the skies.
Why should anyone be glad
When a brother's heart is sad?

If a silvery laugh goes rippling
Through the sunshine on his face, 
Share it. 'Tis the wise man's saying
For both grief and joy a place.
There's health and goodness in the mirth
In which an honest laugh has birth.

If your work is made more easy
By a friendly, helping hand,
Say so. Speak out brave and truly
Ere the darkness veil the land.
Should a brother workman dear
Falter for a word of cheer?

Scatter thus your seeds of kindness
All enriching as you go-
Leave them. Trust the Harvest Giver;
He will make each seed to grow.
So until the happy end
Your life shall never lack a friend.


I was lucky enough to be able to tell a friend I loved him yesterday and to thank him for everything he had done for the AC and I. Amongst other things, the inquest would have been impossible without him. I went, because it was the right thing to do, because it was where I had to be, because it was part of honouring Rich to find out what had happened. None of his so called Next of Kin went. I went, and to know that someone cared enough to change a shift, to work extra to make up for time missed, so sit and just rest a hand on my back as I hugged the person who had driven the car because there was nothing else I could do, well, that made it possible for me to do. It was good. I know that we will always be friends, because some things bond people together, and I think that is one of them.

Anyway. More tea vicar, away from this, and back to the work ahead. *ahem*

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Busy few days.

It's been hectic.

We've painted.
We've got rid of the black pig.
We've had Memorial Day. (yeah, I'm English, I can still remember...)
We've moved things around.
We've progressed our relationship.
We've spent wonderful time together.
We've worked and played hard.
We've started creating our house together.
We've cuddled and cried.
I've emptied a computer and watched video of Rich, and cried.  Looked at pictures of him and the AC, old ones of him and the BG, and cried.
I've explained to someone on the phone again that he is gone and what happened, and whilst he lived here I am not allowed to be his next of kin through other people's selfishness, to the point that I am not even sure where he now lies, and so this letter is not my problem, thankyou-so-much-good-bye-now.

And I've made cheesecake, the NARRRRSTY-EST biscuits in the World, nice biscuits, surprise cakes, bleugh cakes with veg oil in them not butter (never doing *that* again!)

But for now, J is on his way home, life is tricky but not impossible, and we will overcome.

It *will* all be fine.