Monday, August 10, 2009

E-card Shmee card

I tried sending the BG an e-card earlier, for her back to school-ness. We always do. So I thought I would.

I hope it gets there, but if it doesn't, I hope she knows we love her anyway.

I guess hope is all there is.

On the other hand, I made pinwheel blocks that meet properly in the middle. That's got to be worth something, right?


Bedtime. I can "hear" him laughing at me, telling me I'm babbling and so it's bedtime. He's right lol. Wish he was here to take me up.

That's the funny thing about all of this dying thing. It's why St Bab's prayer was so good for him. To change the world by my hidden acts, it says, and that's what he did. He changed my world with his hidden acts. The small things he did, that he did just for me, just to make my life nicer. The small things I did for him, just to make his life nicer. And it's the small things I miss. The casual touches, the back-of-the-neck-as-I-was-passing kisses, the random drinks, and the silly msn messages.

Just little things.

I guess little things do mean a lot.

Still babbling though. Still bedtime.

G'night folks.

Paying it weirdly forward.

Paying it forward.

Someone does something nice for you, you pay it on forward.

Just now, I was sewing half square triangles, getting my sewing back on track before I start The Quilts, and there was a knock at the door.

It was a boy, about 18? in full bike kit, with his mate, proper textiles kit. They'd seen a bike parked outside here before a lot, and knew a biker lived here. He wanted to borrow a 10 mm spanner as his front brake had seized on. I found him an adjustable spanner, and he fixed his bike. Little Honda CBR job. Nice little thing, his mate had a Yamaha. He apologised for startling me, and I explained it was not the knock on the door, but the bike kit, and I said what had happened to Rich. His mate's dad was one of the firemen who went out to the scene, and I asked him to thank his father for me. He replied, "It's his job!" and I smiled and still asked him to thank him for me.

I told him to keep the spanner, and if he was passing back this way, drop it through the letterbox, if not, it's fine. I couldn't let him on his way, knowing his brake might seize on again and he'd have nothing to sort it with.

And I gave him a minor telling off for being out with no high-visability vest, His mate had one, and they were paired riding, so I'm not so worried, but he promised to put one under his seat.

He probably thinks I'm a weirdo. But it was nice to be able to pay forward so many of the kindnesses shown to me recently, and to do it for a young lad, just starting biking.

Thanks Rich. I needed to do that, and to do it for a biker? That's Rich that is.....

Difficult day and a warm memory

Today has been hard in places.

We have been sorting and filing and moving and generally doing the big sort out of the front room that Rich and I had planned. His handwriting is everywhere, our books remind me of him, the Potato Heads remind me of him, the chair where he sat and the coaster he used and so on are all still there.

And I moved them.

I had to.

We can't live for years with a Richard-Shrine. I'm not going to forget him and move on, but I can't leave his empty cup where it was (and it was empty, not mouldy!) just in case he comes back - he's not coming back.

Today I've had several of the weirding out episodes as well, where life just gets too strange and my mind takes a break for a while. All very normal, inasmuch as any of this is normal, so I'm not worried about it, but I do need to apologise to Caroline for weirding in the middle of a phone conversation!

Rachel and Stacy were round earlier, and then Mum, then Mrs O (who found my diary! YAY!) then Ru, then just Mum, and now no-one. I've randomly sewed, I've chilled, I've panicked, I've calmed down again. That's how life is. The AC is at his fathers. They're camping.

I've found out how much it is to insure the Landy, and it's doable, so that's cool, I'm getting stuff sorted for that, do my test, have some wheels, and putter about.

But right now, I'm going to have a cup of tea, and probably clear the sofa, watch some ANTM, and think about what I need to do tomorrow.

I was digging through some pictures earlier, and found more of the AC and Rich that I had forgotten, of us at a show somewhere - I think it was a Spring LRO, and sitting in the back of the Rangy, eating picnic.

Actually, it wasn't. This was the Battle of Naseby. Fabulous day. Just a spur of the moment thing to decide to go and see what Charlie Paul did with the Knot.

We did that a lot. Pack up lunch, go off somewhere randomly, wander around, then back to the car, sitting in the tailgate and eating, chatting, deciding if we had missed anywhere or if we were finished. We would go home eventually, AC asleep in the back, Rich singing to the music under his breath, and usually driving with his hand on my hand, or on my leg. Warm, enclosed, happy memories, with all of us feeling seriously loved by the others. Almost the perfect life in so many ways.

Well "apart from" the obvious.

Going to bed

I'm not fond of going to bed any more.

But I just reread the last post, and I remember that feeling, the look in his eyes, the way he stumbled on his words, and the glimmer of confusion that happened behind his eyes. He said later he never imagined that the kind of love that we had, was really real. It was film romance love, rather than what he had before, because this was, truly, never ending.

So I'm wrapped in his love as I go to bed, remembering the feel of the soil under my feet, the cold beer in my hand, and the softness of his voice, the humour, the laughter, and the friendship that we had.