Sunday, July 15, 2012

Confused. Hurting. Numb. And so on.

Before I start this, I want the world to be clear that I love J.  That the things he does make me smile, that the way he is with the AC makes me warm and fuzzy and be a very happy bunny.

Having said that, as we approach the dates we approach, I'm hurting and crying and I want Rich just to walk in the door.  I want to be putting the AC to bed, and hear the kettle go on, and know that he's popped in for a brew.  I'd take that.  My lovelife is with J now, but I miss my friend in ways I cannot describe.  I want to feel his arms around me on the sofa as I'm leaning up against his long legs.  I want him to tell me that the coffee fairies have been, or that there's a hole in the cup.  I want so much.

I will never have any of that again.

Some days I'm ok with that.  Tonight, I'm not.  I love J, I miss Rich.  Does that mean I don't love J enough? No.  It means I love him differently to Rich, in the same way I love Rich differently to the He-Ex, and to Steve, and to Rob, and to Pete, and to Andy, and so on.  I loved them all in so many different ways.

But tonight, it hurts.  Tonight I am not brave, I am not coping, I am not the resiliant single mother that the world perceives me as.  Tonight I am confused and hurting.  There is only one person I know who would know how I feel, and I can't lay this on her, because she is only a week ahead of me in all of this.  That wouldn't be fair to her, although it does show me that this is normal, whatever the hell that means in this world.


LAst week of school.
5 more get ups until the holidays.