Sunday, August 16, 2009
Not even Mini-Me blogging. Nope.
I'm not tired, but I have to sleep - been up since 4 and actually got to sleep around 1am, so need more sleep than that. And when I was asleep, I dreamt we did go to the Big Family Picnic that we've been invited to, and it was a Good Time With The Family except for a couple of really weird things, like people being part of this family that I know aren't, but apparently in my dream the Family were taking over the world.
Rich never mentioned these picnics, I don't know if he and the She-Ex and the BG went, I suppose they must have when they were living down there.
To be honest, I can't think of anything I want to do more, or do less. I'd love to go and see his family, but at the same time, they didn't know the loving family man that I knew.
I changed my Facebook photo today, to one of the AC being zipped into a flak jacket ready for the desert. I didn't know then the action it would see, obviously! But I remember them doing it, stood in the front room, the AC trying on all the desert kit, and believing Rich when he said that it would keep him safe. It didn't cover his arms though, but luck is luck. He had his fair share out there.
The AC was and is so interested in Rich's job. What it was, what he did, how he did it, why he did it, what he wore, all that kind of thing. They loved fixing things together, heads bent over something, or Rich lifting the AC to sit on the side so he could see inside the bonnet of the car and make the right noises. Rich had all the patience in the world with him, always willing to explain. I've found some lovely video of them talking about parachutes and doing experiments.
I think, sometimes, it's harder on the AC than any of us, because, as I've said before, they were so important to each other - Rich was the AC's world, and although he was aware he had to share Rich with the BG, he never minded that, he knew Rich loved him, and knows he loves him still. There are things that the AC wants to put in his memory box, that make me laugh, but are so them.
Now I DEFINITELY want the other trouser leg!
And it is just things.
After all, when she left the house on base to move back to the States, she said she had everything that she wanted.
Logically, that says to me that anything in this house, is things she didn't want.
We'll see. If she asks for specific items, I'll consider it, in the same way that my wishes have been considered. And after last week, it's hard to be gentle. There's a couple of weird things in her email though, that don't make sense, but I'm guessing it's between those two, and I'm staying well out of it. I just don't need it!
I suspect the whole thing is just to try and wind me up to be honest. She's angry about something (probably the money) and so she's lashing out. And that's ok. She's got over it before, she'll get over it again.
We've had a lovely afternoon with a friend of mine from school, who I saw for the first time in ages at Tesco's 3 days after the accident. And today we went for tea, and it was great. Very chatty, she's still the same!
And I came home, and on the way, the other trouser leg of time (to paraphrase Mr Pratchett) came into course, and I could hear the conversation that Rich and I should have been having, about where I'd been, and how we'd got on, and what it was like, and a few stories from my past, and maybe a couple from his, and then crumpets, and tea, and bath the child, and bed for the child, and some tv, then play WoW together, make cups of tea for each other, or a summer ale as it's warm, and bath for me, and him "interrupting to make sure I'm ok" and go to bed, all snuggled up and *ahem*! And then get up in the morning, make sure the AC is ready for his father, and go back to bed, and get up later and putter about and think about Ellie, and just do nothing and everything.
And in *this* trouser leg of time, I came home, and I made crumpets, and I wrote in my blog and had a text from an armourer to see how I am (bless those boys!) and it's still warm, and I may still have an ale if I have one in the house, but I probably won't, and I'll drink tea, and maybe I'll sew or play WoW and eventually I'll go to bed, sleep from sheer exhaustion, and then get up in the morning to send the AC to his fathers and clean and sort and clean and sort and write letters of appreciation to people. And sew and play WoW and clean and sort.
Weird how this trouser leg is. I wonder if there's a hole in the knee where I can get over to the other one?
Today, unbidden, Matthew 5 : 4 came to mind. Maybe it was an email, maybe it was a Facebook thing, I don't know. But today it is this verse.
"Blessed are they who mourn, for they shall be comforted."
It comes after a day which started at 0430 with my son kicking his juice onto the floor and the glass it was in breaking. I got all the glass up, mopped up the juice, remembered not to go and write Rich an e-Bluey about it, and thought about going to sleep.
So I logged on to see what the world was up to.
And it's up to trying to cause grief. There's no other word for it. Why else would someone answer an email 2 days later, and with a hugely antagonistic attitude? Who knows. I surely don't.
It's all going to degenerate into "I wants!" from people now I think. And there's a word I'm looking for....... TOUGH!
LOL. Ok, maybe that's not the word. Maybe the word I want is "Wait".
The AC and I are mourning for Rich, not wallowing in the pseudo-grief that I have seen and heard of, but mourning with a profound, life changing emotion, that is, at the same time, doing that which grief should do - waning, changing, growing a new us.
Waning - the initial impact has almost gone. That's not unreasonable - after all, if I was still making the cow noise at this stage I might need sectioning myself! It would be of no benefit to the AC, of no import to Rich, and be a pain in the rear end for those around me. And besides which, I get all swollen and snotty when I make the cow noise. Really people, it's not attractive!
Changing - so it's changing. Into a long aching emptiness. Into an expecting to see him ness. Into an incredulousness. Into a physical wrench in the stomach that is just *there*. I can live with it, I can function, I can care for my son, chat with my friends, write the church notices, change the bedclothes, cook a meal, do *stuff*. And it is just always there. It's like living with the arthritis that I Officially Do Not Have. The pain is always there, and every now and again it really kicks.
Growing a new us - The AC and I have to go back to being just us. The She-Ex would have it that I was never a single mother like she was, and I won't argue with her. I was single, I was a mother, it was just different, that's all. And now I'm there again, but without my best friend. And that's ok. Our old ok was fabulous, this ok, is just.... ok. We will have fabulous times again, I know, and I will make them happen because something like this can scar a child for life, and I see no reason for that to be Rich's legacy.
So on we go.
We are blessed in our mourning, because we are being comforted - by friends, family, Facebook, Rich and God. We can rest in all of that love, climb up, face the world, and return to it when the world is all too much.
There are many worse ways to grieve, with guilt, anger, pain, lonliness and without a security in where the spirit has gone. We are lucky, the AC and I, in so many ways. We shall be comforted.
Here's the test.... Later today I'll put up my answers, as to be honest, I know some people read the blog backwards, and I'd hate to spoil the surprise for you!
THE YEAR OF THE IRON DRAGON, WISHING YOU PROSPERITY AND GOOD FORTUNE IN THE CHINESE NEW YEAR
FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS - DO NOT CHEAT OR IT WON'T WORK AND
YOU WILL WISH YOU HADN`T.
TAKE 3 MINUTES - TRY THIS - IT WILL FREAK YOU OUT.
THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO ME SAID HER WISH CAME TRUE 10 MINUTES AFTER SHE FORWARDED THE EMAIL. NO CHEATING !!!!
THIS GAME HAS A FUNNY / CREEPY OUTCOME. DO NOT READ AHEAD, JUST DO IT. IT TAKES ABOUT 3 MINUTES - WORTH A TRY
1st. Get PEN and PAPER
2nd. WHEN CHOOSING NAMES, MAKE SURE THEY ARE REAL PEOPLE THAT YOU ACTUALLY KNOW
3rd. GO WITH YOUR FIRST INSTINCTS!!!!! It's very important for good results.
4th. SCROLL DOWN ONE LINE AT THE TIME
DON`T READ AHEAD
YOU WILL RUI N THE FUN.
On a blank sheet of paper, WRITE NUMBERS 1 through11 in a COLUMN on the LEFT.
BESIDE the NUMBERS 1 & 2,
WRITE DOWN ANY
2 NUMBERS YOU WANT.
DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE NUMBER?
BESIDE the NUMBERS 3 & 7,
WRITE DOWN THE NAMES OF TWO MEMBERS
OF THE OPPOSITE SEX.
CAUTION: DO NOT LOOK AHEAD or IT WILL NOT TURN OUT RIGHT
WRITE ANYONES NAME (like FRIENDS or FAMILY. ...)
next to 4, 5, & 6 .
DON`T CHEAT OR YOU`LL BE UPSET THAT YOU DID
WRITE down FOUR SONG TITLES in 8, 9, 10, & 11
Finally, MAKE A WISH
ARE YOU READY?
HERE IS THE
KEY TO THE GAME
THE NUMBER of PEOPLE YOU MUST TELL ABOUT THIS GAME is found in
THE PERSON IN SPACE
3 IS THE ONE YOU LOVE
THE PERSON YOU LIKE but your relationship CANNOT WORK is in
YOU CARE MOST about t he PERSON you put in
THE PERSON YOU NAME IN NUMBER 5 IS THE ONE WHO
KNOWS YOU VERY WELL.
THE PERSON YOU NAMED IN 6 IS YOUR LUCKY STAR
THE SONG IN 8 IS THE SONG THAT MATCHES WITH THE
PERSON IN NUMBER 3
THE TITLE IN 9 IS THE SONG FOR THE
PERSON IN 7
THE 10 TH SPACE IS THE SONG THAT TELLS YOU MOST ABOUT
AND 11 IS THE SONG TELLING HOW YOU
FEEL ABOUT LIFE
NUMBER 1 IS YOUR
SEND THIS TO A MINIMUM OF 10 PEOPLE
WITHIN AN HOUR OF READING THIS.
IF YOU DO, YOUR WISH WILL COME TRUE.
IF YOU FAIL TO, IT WILL BECOME THE OPPOSITE
IT IS STRANGE HOW IT SEEMS TO WORK.
It's been a good day, all in all. There have been some tears, but not so many, there has been laughter and smiles and playing and friends round and cleaning and doing and talking.
Tonight, we were talking about beaches. I was talking about the time that the She-Ex was angry because the BG remembered going to the beach with the She-Ex and her Daddy and it wasn't the She-Ex, it was me. We had a lovely day that day. The BG was wearing a pretty white dress I'd bought her when I saw it in town one day, and the AC was loving being out and about. Rich drove and we were supposed to be going to a castle that day, but we didn't, it was too expensive, so we went to the beach, and there were very few people there. We had a carton of juice and crisps, and the children ran around and collected stones ad dared each other into the sea. Rich and I sat, leant up against each other, chatting, and it was a picture perfect moment of how family life should be.
Later, he told me it was one of the reasons he knew that he and She-Ex couldn't be together, for the BG's sake, because she should be free and happy and running about like that, and he wanted that for her so badly. He said it was a glimpse of normal family life, which he realised, that day, was what he wanted. not necessarily with me, that came later, that realisation, but if it could be with the She-Ex, then good, and we talked about how he could try and help that to happen, but eventually it was clear it wouldn't. But t was a glorious day, and I don't mind who that little girl thinks was there, I'm just glad she had a memory of her Daddy, because now, that's all she'll ever have.
And that's so damn sad.
But as the AC said "He can see her whenever he wants now." and he can. And that's a *good* thing.