We're heading into rough waters, you and I. Every year has been uncharted territory - you are the oldest child I've raised, the oldest grandchild, I am the oldest of my family and I had never thought of having children until suddenly and surprisingly you were there. Your younger years were amazing, your middle years were survived through the grief, and now we are heading into your older child years. I have never seen the teenage years up close. This morning, my up-at-0530-child was still in bed at 7am and had to be dragged out. Who are you? Where is my boy?
On the other hand, you are brave, bright and strong. You have played for school teams and will again. You've been selected to represent school in sports you've never done, just because they think you can do it. Your teachers tell me how lovely you are and your friends hang out at ours. You have survived so much, with a beautiful smile and a gorgeous attitude.
Even on our worst ever day, your first thought was for someone else.
That's how I know we will survive this. We'll work out the teenage hormones and spots and so on. We'll get through the angst and the trauma. I'll stand on the sidelines of your games and support you all the way, even when I don't know what the rules are!
Love you my boy,
Me
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Dear Beautiful Girl,
I wonder how you are. I wonder what you are doing, and how school is going for you. This year I cried on your birthday because I don't even have an email address for you or your mother any more. I know your birthday, I know how old you are, I know that you are bound to be gorgeous and that you always have had your father's eyes. It is almost 6 years since we had a picture of you, and only slightly less than that since I heard from you.
It's almost ten since I saw you, crying at the airport as your mother took you away.
I still blog to you, randomly, but I know you don't see it.
I write to you in my head, and sometimes actual emails, but I know you'll never see those either.
I think about you, pray for you, love you in the depths of my heart.
I am here for you, just like I always have been, just like I always will be.
One day we will find each other and I will tell you all about your daddy, all about the man he was.
Love you beautiful girl.
Me
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Dear T-boy,
We aren't getting on at the moment. I keep making you do homework because I am evil and hate you. You keep not doing it because you need the attention that you get from us when it needs doing.
Except I don't keep making you do it because I'm evil and hate you, I'm doing it because I want the best for you. Even the German homework, which I hate because I don't speak German. Even the maths online homework, which doesn't give second chances.
The trouble is, it's going to get worse. You'll head up to GCSE levels and I'll do my best to help you and encourage you to get homework done.
I want you to achieve. You are not a child of my blood but you are a child of my heart. Your future matters to me like the Boy Child's does. I want the best for you, a life full of choices and chances, not a life with a dead end job and no hope of anything, or worse, no job and no hope of one.
I can't explain this all to you though, because you are full of anger and the unfairness of the world.
I won't give up on you though.
Not ever.
love
Me
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