Friday, July 31, 2009

Time to get started.

I've been putting off doing this, but I have to do the photos for Rich's celebration now.

I mean, like now.

I need to double check the music length, and get on with it. I have some lovely ones from other people that I can use, so I just need to get on with it.

It seems so final though, but there won't be a finally for a long, long time.

There is the Cremation and Celebration on Monday.
There is the memorial in Cheltenham in September.
There is RAFWA.
There is the service in September.
There is the inquest.
There is the Year of Firsts.

What a lot of chances to celebrate what a wonderful man he was. I'm glad we get to do this, that I get to show what a great life he had, that I get to use pictures from other people that show his life before AC and I came into it. There may be pictures of him as a child, there may not be. I don't have those, so there's nothing I can do about it. And that's ok. I'm working with what I have, received from people who care about him.

This is really starting to show the talkers from the doers, and that's cool too. AC and I know who our real friends, real support are now. I wish we didn't, that Rich was still here with us, just on lates, like he should be this week, so due home in a couple of hours, but it isn't so.

To work.

Celebrate.

Last night I grieved.

It was a long and painful process and will no doubt have to be done again. And again. And again. Our future was going to be that bright!

This morning though, I need to celebrate.

I celebrate our hopes and dreams and plans. I read over his proposal again last night, and it thrilled me to read it again (yeah, he proposed the first time over MSN! He was away at the time!) and I could still see his face when he said what he said in the phoneshop.

I celebrate the plans for children that we had, the fun we had trying, the names we chose and the way he talked about them when they were here. The encouragement and love he gave me when they weren't again, and the strength in his voice when he held me as I cried, told me it would all be fine, that he loved me, he would always love me, and we would keep trying for as long as I felt I could. I celebrate his faith in me, in my body, in us, that we could talk about homebirths with confidence and understanding. I celebrate the things he shared about BG's arrival, and the joy with which he planned the arrival of our children.

I celebrate the love and pride he had in the AC, the school performances he was able to come to, the way he was so impressed by the school cup that the AC won the day before Rich died. I celebrate how protective he was of the AC, how he never let the AC hear him speak badly of his father, even though his father is an idiot at times. I celebrate the pictures I have of them playing, the games they enjoyed, the secrets that they shared and the love they had for each other.

I celebrate Ellie in the back garden, the faith he had in me to learn to drive. I celebrate every tray of shortbread he consumed, every "missing piece" from a plate of biscuits, every visit from the coffee fairies, every hour of being leant over a bonnet with him, every Landy show, every bike show. Every time we passed something on the road and one of us would go "Want that one!"

I celebrate the intimacy, the rightness, the completeness. I celebrate the way we enjoyed each others bodies, the way that it was never a chore, that it was never something we *had* to do. I celebrate the gentle touches on the way passed, having to "squeeze through" big spaces, every interrupted shower and bath, every moment that I looked up and found him just looking at me. Every "I love you", every "Where's my gorgeous darling?" everything.

Today I have the strength to choose to celebrate what were, as someone else has called them, the "Golden Years" of Rich's life. I am so lucky.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Not nearly there.

Suddenly, I am so tired.

Suddenly, I have so had enough of all of this.

I will pick myself up, and I will carry on, and I will do what needs to be done and I will do it with love and pride in the man of my dreams, but just for a moment, I need to fall down.

I need to grieve, not for the man who has gone, because I will never grieve his death. I saw him. I know his injuries, and I am glad he died because he would have had no life to live. I have his helmet and his leathers in my shed, and I know that all that could be done was done, and that his death was a blessing after the accident.

I cannot grieve the accident, because they happen. Since he died, two weeks ago tomorrow, more boys have died in the sunny lands, more people have died on the roads, more families grieve like ours, ripped apart.

I grieve the dreams, the hopes and plans. I grieve the children we wanted to have, the wedding we wanted, the family life we planned, I hear his voice saying "I promise all that too!" when we watched the milk advert, and I know the love and pride he had in the AC. I grieve the certificates he'll never see the AC get, the nativity plays he'll miss, the buying of the Big School uniform, the exam results, the passing out parade and the marriage and grandchildren he'll never see the AC have.

I grieve the Landy's we'll never fix, the off roading we'll never do, the meals I won't cook and the cakes I won't bake. The clothes I won't mend, the fingers I won't plaster, the spanners I won't hand.

I grieve the intimacy, the rightness, the completeness we had.

So right now, I'm not nearly there.

But we may be a thousand miles apart, he'll be with me, wherever we are.

Nearly there

... so nearly there.

The hymns are chosen.
The pictures are almost chosen - got some more through today from a friend of his to add into the mix.
The Order of Service is almost done.
The church is booked
The tealadies are on standby.

There are people I can't get hold of, but that's ok.

There are LOTs of people who want to speak, which is cool! So many people knew him, appreciated him, liked him. Not everyone did, but not everyone knows quality when they see it! LOL!

Now to feed the child, then carry on.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

It's hard...

... to sum up my feelings over the last two days.

I have utter peace about the way he died, the way I know he didn't suffer. I know most of his injuries, and I know for a FACT that he is better this way. I know he didn't feel anything, that he died secure in our love for him and his for us.

I have complete faith in the RAF. The way that the Armourers have behaved today, the tributes and stories that were told, the way the AC was looked after, indulged, and loved by these big strong men, the way I was never alone, that even when I'd left the AC with one of them, and my parents were somewhere else, there was one just watching me from a little way away, to make sure I was ok. Not interfering, just caring.

I am satisfied with what I have done for Rich. I have fulfilled my duties to him from the commitments we made to each other all that time ago. I have done the things I had to do, and I am glad for the strength he gave me to do those things. He had faith in me that I would do it, and I have.

I am happy with the plans for the Celebration. It will be a fitting tribute to him. I have no idea how many people there will be, I know of about 20 who are sorry not to make it, I know of other memorials going on at later dates, I know of things being made in his honour, of cups being dedicated, and all of those things will keep him alive in the minds of others. He will always be alive in the AC and I.

I am confident in his legacy in our family. Watching my son throw himself behind a JPMG today and assume the position made my heart melt. If he chooses to join at a later date, I will never stand in his way. He asked me if Rich is proud of him today, and I was able to tell him with a glad heart, yes my darling, yes indeed.

I am secure in our love. Today we went past the place where it happened, and I cried for him, and I heard him again say he loves me, in the way he used to tell me a dozen times a day, because he liked the way I smiled when he said it.

There are sad feelings, negative feelings, lonely and hopeless feelings, but they don't stay for long, because I am surrounded by love, support, caring and understanding.

AC and I are so lucky.

Monday, July 27, 2009

I'm just sitting here.

There isn't even a title for this blog. I am a sack of nothing, sat in the dark, lit by a screen, listening to the animals moving around me. My house smells of lavender, rosemary and thyme.

Lavender for love and devotion, because we love each other and he was so devoted to us and our family. He still is, in a more ethereal way, and I know he'll not leave us. I felt him today, in the storming wind, as I stood in the silent part, feeling the wind and rain blow around me and not on me, not through me, not near me. He protects me still, as he always said he would.

Rosemary is for rememberance. There was so much he remembered, so much he wanted to forget, so much that he kept remembering even though it hurt him, so much that he wanted to leave behind. There is so much that we remember, so much that we have, so much that we love.

Thyme is for daring, for bravery, for fortitude. He was all those things, and more. He loved to serve those around him, for his work, for his home, for the stranger in the street, he braved the deserts, he braved his own pain, he was strong against the demons that raged inside him, until we beat them together, one at a time.

Wrapped in purple, they go with him. Purple for mystery, nobility, mourning and pride. The mystery that was his old life, the mystery that was the gaps in his life, that slowly he filled in for me as they came up, but really, he didn't need to - neither of us had our old lives with us now, and we were happy for them to be a mystery and to live in the present. The nobility that was the way he was, the way he lived, the way he loved, not in a kingly way, but with a nobility of spirit, always wanting what was best for those around him, and those further away. The mourning for a life cut short, for the dreams of a family that we wanted, for the house in the woods and the raising of the children. The pride in a life well lived, in a job well done, a bike well ridden, in decisions well made, and in 4 years well loved.

He is my man. I will do my best for him, against all the pressures from outside, because no one knew him like I did.

I love you Rich, and I know you love me too.

I keep being told...

... you're so brave.

No, I'm not.
See me cry. Again, and again, and again.

... you're so strong.

No, I'm not.
See me crumple in the shower.

.... you're amazing.

No, I'm not.
See me want to scream at the horrible reality in which I live.

... you're so understanding.

No, I'm not.
I don't understand this at all.

Amazing trip out.

People really care.

Carrie in P@H cried. They have started a collection for him for either flowers or for Help for Heroes.

It's amazing.

She said he really made a difference to her.

How cool is that.

More and more I see people who really care about him, about what AC and I are going through, and mostly they ask about BG, because we always talk about her.

How cool.

Wet day

Today is another wet day.

There has been no response from the She-Ex, and that's disappointing, but ok. To be honest, I don't expect she is going to want to keep in touch with me now that he is gone. It's a terrible shame, because I won't stop loving the BG, and I never disliked the She-Ex as a person, just her actions, but she has to live with those, not me, so it's ok. I just want both her and BG to have lovely lives, cherishing each other the way Rich cherished us.

I'm glad I didn't send what I wanted to send though, and just vented it out on here, because I don't want to upset her right now. Whatever her reasons, she's grieving too. Her tears say a lot for the way she felt about Rich, and explain a few things over the years.

Yesterday I tried to have conversation with someone, and just didn't want to. And that person is a good friend who just said "ok".

Yesterday I had long conversation with two friends, and they are both good friends, who just let me ramble on and listened and talked and are lovely.

James came to move the Rangy's yesterday, up to his place for a while whilst we decide what is done with them. He needs to come back with a winch and some tools. That's ok.

Mum and Dad and Hannah and Alan and the AC and I went to lunch at Pizza Hut. That was ok too. Then everyone came back here, and in the end Hannah sent me to bed for an hour whilst she watched the AC.

Church was amazing. So tearful, and I have a whole post for that. But so much support and love.

I looked at the finances last night. As long as I can feed and clothe the child and I on £2pcm it'll be ok. It's not like I can get another job or something though, but there are things I can do inside this one that might increase the income. I know that He will provide, and I have faith that He will. Rich provided such a lot though! There are places to cut back, and they will be cut. There aren't many, because we'd already been cutting back to keep the maintenance up. I know the She-Ex is resourceful though, and will just get another job if she needs to, and that'll bring the wages in for their household. I keep being told not to worry about the BG anymore, but of course I do - I can't turn off the love I feel for her like a tap just because her father has died.

Hopefully I'll see him today or tomorrow. Tomorrow would be best perhaps, but I want to go asap.

We'll see.

That's the way everything is right now.

We'll see.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

I cannot tell

I had chosen this for my changing of membership service, several weeks before
Rich died. We sung it the Sunday I went back to church. Verse 2 crippled several
of us. He had been dead 9 days by then.

I cannot tell why He, whom angels worship
Should set His love upon the sons of men
Or why, as Shepherd, He should seek the wanderers
To bring them back, they know not how or when
But this I know, that He was born of Mary
When Bethlehem's manger was His only home
And that He lived at Nazareth and laboured
And so the Saviour, Saviour of the world, is come


I cannot tell how silently He suffered
As with His peace He graced this place of tears
Or how His heart upon the cross was broken
The crown of pain to three-and-thirty years
But this I know, He heals the broken-hearted
And stays our sin, and calms our lurking fear
And lifts the burden from the heavy-laden
For yet the Saviour, Saviour of the world, is here


I cannot tell how He will win the nations
How He will claim His earthly heritage
How satisfy the needs and aspirations
Of east and west, of sinner and of sage
But this I know, all flesh shall see His glory
And He shall reap the harvest He has sown
And some glad day His sun shall shine in splendour
When He the Saviour, Saviour of the world, is known

I cannot tell how all the lands shall worship
When, at his bidding, every storm is stilled
Or who can say how great the jubilation
When all the hearts of men with love are filled
But this I know, the skies will thrill with rapture
And myriad, myriad human voices sing
And earth to heaven, and heaven to earth, will answer
'At last the Saviour, Saviour of the world, is King!'

And what I sent?

ok She-Ex.

Glad BG is doing ok and she knows some nice stories about her father.

Me

##############################

Polite, inoffensive, nothing to get het up about.

She also said she'd googled Rich's name and found something she wanted to explain to me later. I told I'd seen it, vaguely a long time ago and R and I had chatted over it. I don't want to hurt her by telling her what really happened. There's no need for that right now. Or telling her I found it a few days ago. I posted it up on here, then took it down, because if she is still reading this, I didn't want to upset her.

If she brings it up again, I'll tell her.

It hasn't even got the right D.O.B on it for heavens sake!

It's ok.

These are the things I'd like to write to the She-Ex. I let her know about the article in the paper, I got an email back about stuff, more information about what BG had been up to than we'd had for the longest time. I got told not to be sarcastic. I got told they had to go to charity shops for BG's back to school things. I got told it's nice to be able to sleep again. This is the reply I didn't write.

##############################################

I'm not making any sarcastic comments. I'm glad he had us for the last few years as well. I'm glad he was happier than he'd ever been as well. I have no regrets over anything that we did together or anything I did for him. Some other people do, and have expressed those regrets to me. At the end of the day, that was their real actions, as opposed to anything now. And that's ok. We had a wonderful life, not a perfect one, but it was ours, and we had each other, and we had our plans and dreams. I'm glad that for him, the heartache of not seeing BG is over, the arguing and horribleness is over, he never has to think about if he'll get pictures this week or not, or if he wants to open an email before he goes to work and take a chance on starting his day with insults and abuse. That's all over for him, and I'm glad, because I love him.

I'm glad you are finally in a place where you can tell BG good stories about her father, and laugh about him. If everything happens for a reason as he believes, maybe this was it. Maybe this was what it took.

I'm not worried about Rich's mum. What more can I lose? Nothing. She can say what she likes, like everyone can, but I know where he was happy, his real friends know where he was happy, and that was with AC and I. Anyone else's problems are theirs. I have heard from other people this week how much he talked about us, and our plans, even those I didn't think anyone else knew about! And that makes me proud, that he was so proud of us he talked about us to other people in that way. I know he loves my mum, and respects my father, and they love and respect him. I know my family accepted him just the way he was, and that he revelled in that love and acceptance, was amazed by it. These days, I know why.

I'm glad you and his brother are going to have good contact, and that is a true bonus from this whole thing. All the new things she'll hear about, and the new things she'll do, will be lovely, and Ian won't get the abuse that we did, so that will be better for her as well.

There are going to be money issues for all of us. We'll get by, although it's not like I can do overtime or anything, but it's ok. I can support my son without anyone else's help if I need to, although the money is the least of my thoughts, even though it seems top of a lot of other peoples lists. And that's ok. I miss him as a lover, as a father, as a man, not as anything else, so I have other things on my mind. I'll get to it when I get to it.

AC is all over the place. He has lost more than phonecalls though, and the everyday things are hard for him to cope with. He's seen me cry a couple of times, but not too much. It's not good for him, as a child, to see me like that, so he doesn't. He knows I'm very sad, he knows that Rich is gone, that the games they played are over, that the silliness has stopped, that the unconditional support and the homework help, and all that is over. But he knows that "love, like star light, never dies." I hope BG is getting as much solace from that book as he is. I know Rich loved it, and sent it to her so she knew he loved her even when she was naughty and he was here and she was there. Now he's further away, although closer, but it's a lovely book. He knows that we had a very loving family, and that there is nothing that we would have done differently on even the last month of his life, let alone the last few days, or few hours.

We know he loves us, and we love him. And he's glad Rich is dead so that he can see BG whenever he wants. That was his first thought. He's glad that no one will shout at Rich anymore. He's glad Rich is in the happier place.

As for asking what you and BG can do, I have no idea. We asked for so little, and so much of it we never had when he was alive, that asking now seems hypocritical. And that's ok.

Everything is ok.

Nothing will ever be as fabulous and wonderful and complete as it was, but it's ok.

Sleep is still escaping me, although the AC is doing better. And that's ok too. It will all work itself out in the end. Everything will settle down, everyone will go back into the woodwork, and the AC and Rich's friends and I can get on with remembering him the way he really was, the way we really knew him.

So there we go.

###############################

Will I send it or not? Probably not. I can't deal with the marshmellowness of her at the moment, how suddenly the man she hated with such a vituperate passion is now ....... whatever it is. I don't know. To be honest, I don't care.

I know the reality of the situation the week before he died. I know how bad things were. We'd talked about it, we'd made plans. And now those plans are not going to come to fruition, and that' ok.

I knew his intentions. One day, when I feel more like it, I'll write about them. Right now though, they are warm and safe in my heart.

What matters is three things.

He loves BG and wanted the best for her.
He loves AC and provided the best for him.
He loves me, and nothing will ever replace that because nothing could be as good as we were together.

I've been told by so many people, who knew him when he was younger, who knew him through his marriage, who then knew him with me, that he was the happiest he had ever been. The only dark side of his life was having to deal with the She-Ex, and the abuse and horrible attitude, and the lack of contact with BG. The 5th of June was the last time he had any pictures of his little girl, and I can read back through and see all the skipped phonecalls. And now it's over. He died loving me more than he had ever thought it possible to love anyone, he died with hopes and dreams for us as a family, and that he died the happiest he had ever been. That matters, not because *I* want to win some mysterious contest, although I'm sure one will be made out of it at some point, but because he died a very happy man.

That matters.

That means that I can celebrate his life with no guilt, no "what could I have done better?" no nothing like that. I can just celebrate.

That's a liberating feeling.

Today is another busy day.

My membership service is still taking place. We are having lunch with Hannah and Alan and the others afterwards. Life will go on. He lived everyday with a permanent bereavement - the loss of a real relationship with BG - and he learnt how to keep living and loving as much as he could. Sitting around crying would be no honour to his memory. And besides which, he's here, and I know he loves us. Like the AC said, he can see her whenever he wants now, and why wouldn't I glory in that for him? That's what love is.

And oh Lord, I love him.

First gaming session

We've just finished our first gaming session without Rich.

We didn't game, we watched a film. I went to sleep. C tried to massage some of the knots out of my back and as I relaxed I dozed off. It's the first time I've just "fell asleep" since Rich died.

It's been a hectic day again. At one point there were 5 adults and 9 children in the house. It was fine, the AC had a lovely day, the children all enjoyed themselves, and the adults were all shattered!

I've emailed the She-Ex to let her know about the article being online. I've saved BG a copy of the paper, and I'll send it all to her when everything is over. I've tried writing to the BG so many times, but each time it just sounds like she missed out on a life with an amazing man and the chance to know her Daddy properly. I guess that's because she did. The AC worshipped the ground R walked on, and for reasons best known to himself. He's spent a lot of time in Ellie today, just sitting, or talking to Megan, or just ferreting around. He says he feels like Rich is there as well sometimes, and I told him that was cool.

It's all cool. Everything *will* all be fine. He promised me that. And therefore it will be. He never broke a promise to me, not ever.

Right.

Bed.

See you in the morning people. It's another busy day tomorrow!

Saturday, July 25, 2009

New article

This is what narked me yesterday.

http://www.lynnnews.co.uk/news/More-tributes-for-39faithful-colleague39.5491552.jp

I didn't know about the last two paragraphs, and when I checked with Ian, neither did he. Media huh!

Anyway.

Gaming awaits!

Another weekend.....

..... Look at that!

They keep coming along as well. How does that work? How does the rest of the world carry on?

I know.

It came to me last night in a flash of warmth and cuddles from R. The rest of the world can carry on because they didn't know him. They didn't care about him. They didn't love him.

I did.

But I can carry on because he gives me hope, strength, power, and I have the stubborn streak that he loved. I have the ability to hang on in there, even if, like a terrier, all I can to is sink my teeth in and go alone for the ride, which is what it feels like at the moment. And that's ok.

Because when all this is over, when the goodbyes from the rest of the world have been said, I will still have his love, still have his memories, still have had the best and happiest years of his life, according to those who knew him. I will still have his faith in me, his faith in us, and his dreams for the future.

Because I've got all that, I can get up this morning, and not carry on regardless, but keep going, fortified by his love.

That's an amazing feeling.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Stunned

Stunned.

Angry.

Poleaxed.

I am all of those things.

I will explain it all later, but right now I am too p***** off to write about it. That's how angry I am. I'm swearing. Copiously.

Those of you who know me IRL will know that I don't, generally, and I have a pretty low opinion of those that do on a regular basis.

But today...... I am

Now

It was Now.

This time last week....

.... today is already full of "This time last week....."

0620 This time last week I had just gone up to get him up. He was lying in bed, and awake but dozing. His hand came up over the covers and waved at me. Just like then, AC was still asleep. We had a murmured conversation about the day ahead, then I went down to make a cup of tea for him.

It was the little things that we did that were good. Making cups of tea for him, making his lunch in the mornings, those things. When he went away I would put postit notes in his bag, with "I love you" and "RH <3 SC 4ever" and "You're so gorgeous!" and "You make me smile."

Today I have lots to do. Parents at 10. Bank at 11. RAF at 2pm. The RAF are being brilliant and so very supportive towards AC and I as his family.

0633 This time last week he came down the stairs, looking like he'd been dragged through a hedge backwards, and with the two lines that he always got on his face from sleeping in the way he did. He waved at the AC - neither of them really speak in the mornings, and went to the shower.

I pottered about, doing spots of this and that. Talking to Sian on the messenger about the project the three boys are doing together long distance. Getting AC sorted. Chatting about the cup he had won the day before, and how proud we both were of him, how hard he was working, how much his behaviour was a good representation of us and of school.

It was last day of school, and Payday. We'd sailed a little close to the wire this month, and Payday was a welcome relief.

0657 R was out of the shower by now and on his way upstairs. The weather was much as it is today, but greyer. There was a smattering of rain and he was deciding what vehicle to take. He made a suggestive comment to me, and I made one to him. (He was just out of the shower after all!)

0705 He came downstairs in his leathers. I remember saying "Oh, decision made then?" and him sying "Yeah, I can always dry them out at work." He got himself sorted out, whilst *not* be distracted by whatever skateboarding programme the child was watching. We talked about what he was going to say to the She-Ex that night, if he got chance.

0710 He came to me with his helmet on, and kissed me, said he loved me and he'd see me later. I told him I loved him, and I'd see him in a bit. He turned to the child and said "See you later smelly" and the child waved another peculiar wave at him, and said "Bye bye"

0712 We stood on the step, the child and I, and waved him off. He half turned and waved at us as he pulled away. I watched him over the bridge, then went in and got ready for the last day of school.

And that was it. Our last morning. Typed in real time here.

First week complete.

And there we are.

This time last week, we headed off to bed. He checked the AC because he went up first, and covered him up. We undressed, and we lay next to each other, his leg over my leg, holding hands, chatting quietly about stuff.

He whispered "Good night my darling" in the way he always did, whether he thought I was asleep or not, and we dozed off, secure in each other and our love.

It was normal, for us. We had both lost so much before, both so determined not to lose it again, that we made sure we didn't. We worked hard on what we had. The only thing we didn't see coming was Friday morning. And who would?

Today has been a real kick in the stomach day in places, with things I have been told. Today has also been a fabulous day, with things I have been told, and things we have done.

AC and I got the bus over to see Mum and Dad. As we left the house, both feeling very sombre, we heard a tune. It was like an icecream van type music (you know, the stuff they only play when they have run out.....) and it was playing "Who do you think you are kidding Mr Hitler?". Dear Readers who have vast brains and good memories, will remember that not so long ago, R bought the AC the boxed set of Dad's Army, for which that is the theme tune. Coincidence? Not sure I believe in them really.

But it made the boy smile, and it brightened our start to our day.

Tomorrow will be stinking hard, but it will be the first Friday that we have to do, and there are hundreds ahead of us. At least we have no guilt, nothing extra we could have done to make his life better. We did our part, and I am so glad, because if we hadn't, life would be unbearable because now it would be too late, and sorry really wouldn't cut it any more.

He loves us. We love him. I was just told by someone he spoke to online a lot that he said we completed him, that he belonged and was truely happy for the first time ever, and in a way he didn't think existed.

Job done.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

It's another morning

Look at that.

The mornings just keep on coming! How fabulous, I'm sure....

We're going into town today, going on the bus, getting away. AC needs a break needs serious mummy and AC time. Mum said last night that he would be tricky for a while, because he had to change his relationship with me again, because he was so much "R's little man."

And he was.

He knew him, loved him, cherished him, respected him. R was talking of adopting him. AC had discussed making his name into R's surname. R was looking forward to spending time with him over the summer and we had changed the access times to reflect that, and now it won't happen.

You only have to look at the smattering of pictures from yesterday's post to see how much they loved each other. AC worshipped the ground R worked on, and R loved having a family again.

I think that's where I feel so utterly devastated. Not for R - he knew what happened after he died. Not for me - I love him, and I knew. But for AC who saw him every day, who worried about him whilst he was away, who cherished him and wanted to be him. I feel it for BG as well, who will now *never* get the chance to really know her father, and who lost the last 3.5 years with him, not even seeing him on the weekends.

The adults know, and understand so much more. The children need us.

But more, they need him.

AC is home.

AC's song Brad Paisley - The Dad he didn't have to be

AC came back tonight.

He has cried himself to sleep in my arms tonight at 9.30pm eventually.



He has lost the man he wanted to be, the man he loves, the role model he respected and needed in his life.



He has lost the man who taught him to ask for help even if he looked busy.



He has lost the man who played with him, who carried him when he was bleeding, even though R's shoulders and knees were sore from physio.



He has lost the man who disciplined him firmly but with gentleness and care and such love.



These are only a few pictures, but they love each other so much, it's breaking AC's heart that R is gone.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Facebook status

s up. And resting in His word. Or trying to anyway. Enough with the shocks of the last few days. Enough with complications trying to take away the good emotions I feel. Ha! says I. I have the love of an amazing God, a wonderful man, an adorable child, a million family and friends all over the world. And some really rude and suggestive texts as well. Apparently we did only think about one thing!


I have to say, we thought about it a lot! I mean, I know we did it a lot, but apparently we thought about it even more!

That's a lovely, lovely part of our lives that I will miss like absolute madness.

Right now, all I can think is that I sent him off to work this time on Friday. I can glory in the truth and love we had, that we did the same things we *always* did.

He kissed me, he said "I love you, see you later."
I said "Love you too, see you in a bit."
He said "See you later smelly child."
AC said "Bye bye, night night!"
I followed him to the door, and waved as he roared off on his bike, twisting to wave at us as he went, and doing the standing up on his pegs thing he always did when he got to the bridge to stretch his leathers into the right place.

There was nothing special that we did, there was no row that I can't say sorry for, there was no badness in our lives. We hadn't even had nastyness from the She-Ex that morning. It was just the happy bubble that was us. Even the blog post I wrote that morning is lovely lol.

We are so lucky.

Off to bed on a high.

TMI WARNING LOL!

...................................................................................

I just was looking at a load of messengers that I'd saved from when he was away.

I was thinking I would print them out for AC and BG.

I can't.

They are practically PORN in places lol!

We were rude! Clearly in love and very frustrated at being apart!

And as for the webcam references, they brought back some wonderful memories. *giggling*

He loved sex, and he loved the fact I loved it too. He was imaginative and amazing. He was inventive and yet so considerate of my feelings, needs and pleasure. I loved the things we did, and I loved the eagerness he had to be approached for "socialness"!

Definitely going to bed on a high!

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

End of day 5

5 days.

It's not a lot. It feels like forever. There's a lot of stuff going on, a lot of planning and thinking and doing and so on.

I'm on my own again tonight, and I'm going to bed soon to try and get a whole nights sleep.

I cried in Tesco today. I walked in, we shopped, and I went to get a magazine, and there he was, on the front of the paper.

I knew he was on the front of the paper, (I have about 10 copies at home for various people) but to *see* it, in a shop, was worse.

I just....

I don't know.

I am just so tired of all of this. His brother and aunt were here today, and that was fine, but I'm done with seeing people now. I'm done with all of it. And this could go on for weeks.

And weeks

And weeks.

And for what feels like forever.

But the AC needs R, he loves R, R loves him, and he loves me just like I love him. We all loved each other with a strength and a passion which will keep me going forever. As was said to me today "You had the best years of his life, you made him happier than he had ever been, and he loved you more than he had ever loved anyone." And they were right.

love you R.

When you died.

Shattered

When you died,
The numbness over took me
The nothingness consumed me
I went through the motions of my life.

When you died,
I denied it
I refused to be a part
Of the silly game the world was playing.

When you died,
I exploded.
Pain ripped through me
Like the Severn Bore we never saw.

When you died,
I left a trail of tears
when I walked
parts of me soaking into the ground.

When you died,
I saw you.
I touched your face, stroked your hair,
And told you as I always will....

.... I love you.

End of day 4

So here we are.

End of day 4.

One hell of a day.

I have never cried so hard and so much. I have never felt so much variety of emotion with such intensity. I have never loved so hard.

Loved so hard?

Yes. Today I fell in love.

It was a bad morning, with not good news. There are now 3 blue sacks of his clothes, boots and helmet sitting in my house, waiting for me to have the courage to open them. It's fine, and I know the things I needed to know without investigating too closely, but just from what the policeman told me about what was in there. I'll decide what I do next with them, later.

It was a long lunchtime, with visitors.

It was a bad afternoon, with more not so good news.

And then.

Then I fell in love.

We went to the local supermarket for some tea. We got out of the car. I was on the verge of yet more tears, when, from nowhere on a grim and grey day, came the feeling of such intense love, it took my breath away. In that moment, I fell in love with R all over again, the numbness was beaten off, and I gloried in him being with me.

Feel free to think I'm barking if you like, it's my grief, and I know what I know.

And I know he loves me. HE loves ME! HE LOVES ME! I felt his love, I could feel his arms around me, I could feel him there behind me, stood there, like he did, behind me, arms around me, just about to kiss the top of my head. Maybe all of that was imagination, but from that moment, I could honestly say "He loves me, and I love him, regardless."

Regardless of anything that is happening, regardless of the fact that the tears were because he was physically dead, I FELT his love, I have smiled all evening, my parents are home and I am here alone, because I *am* fine. There will still be bad days, I know, I am almost expecting them, but right now, I am enfolded in his love, in the same way I was when he was here. I miss him and I want him home still, and I almost still cannot believe that he is gone still. But I know he loves me, and he knows I love him, and that is *all* we need. (However, today I do believe that he kept his word, when he said he would not leave me alone, and I will expound on that tomorrow.)

Today, through the grace of God, through the strength of our relationship, through the power of the amazing R, I fell in love with him, all over again. I think the people on Facebook think I am barkingly nuts, but I don't care. I know, I feel, the love he has for me still, and I know he knows I love him.

Today I was also sent this.

Dear Lord,
I may not see the sun and moon lose their light.
I may not witness rivers turn red, or stars fall from the sky.
Yet there are times when my world becomes unhinged
and the foundations of what I believe crack and dissolve.... Read More
Give me the grace to believe that Your power is at work
in the turmoil of my life.
Lead me to remember that Your power is greater than all evil,
and though the world may rock and sometimes break,
it will in time be transformed by Your Love.
author unknown

So from email I have support and love from God, via my amazing friends. From R, I have his love, enveloping me, forcing a smile to my face, enabling me to be strong again, to be the support he always was for me.

We have our love back, (tho I doubt it ever left, but was merely swamped by grief) and now I can feel him all around me, loving me with all of his heart, just like he always did.

Everything else, is an irrelevance.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Voicemail

I just phoned his phone.

On purpose.

Knowing he wouldn't answer, just so I could hear his voice. I needed to. I will always need to hear him, to know him, to love him.

At the moment, everyone is saying they miss him, and they can't imagine what will happen without him.

No one else expected him to be lying beside them when they woke up.
No one else is expecting the door to bang open onto the wall as he staggers through with his bag and some random flowers for me.
No one else is expecting to be in the middle of their shower and hear him say "I see boooooobies!" or what happens next.
No one else is expecting him to be asking the AC to get on with getting his socks on or R will get them on for him, and the banter that ensued.
No one else is expecting to turn around, and just see him sat at the table behind them, or feel his hand wander over their shoulders as he walks past.
No one else is getting him a cup automatically, or hearing his voice in their head saying "Any chance of a cup of tea my gorgeous darling?"

No one else is expecting any of the million other tiny things that are happening.

I knew what I had before it was gone, and for that I will always think I am so incredibly lucky.

The end of day 3

Actually, it's early in the morning of Day 4.

Who's counting? Cos if you are, get a life.

I've spent a while on GuildChat on WoW tonight, talking to the people that he talked to so many times a week, whilst they played online. I wanted them to hear from me what happened, what he was like, what he looked like, all those details. Several are coming to the Celebration and I will let them know about it as soon as I can. And I learnt some things about him tonight as well, that I will cherish, and maybe share another time.

I have emailed the She-Ex, and let her know stuff. I can't let her know lots of stuff, but I do love the BG so very very much, and she is all there is of her father now. So I have let her know what there is to know, kinda.

Today I did the press release, chose photos to go on the press release, went to town, told the people in Game (They are going to sort out the preorders he had) and went to find out what to do about his phone. Right now I'm leaving it on for a while to see who calls him and then let them know what has happened.

Thank goodness I can blog and let stuff out here. It means I'm not keeping it in, but the AC isn't seeing all of it either.

I have alternately been numb and utterly distraught today, as the realisation that the love of my life, has died. I won't say left me - that makes it sound like a choice. He had no choice, and the timing of this whole thing is incredibly bad, but right this minute, I'm coping, so whilst I am, I'm going to bed.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Almost 48 hours

I'm sitting here, watching the clock tick round.

Soon it will hit 0750. After that, it will get to 0802. At some point in that time frame, between a rough accident time and an exact time of death, R died.

Even typing that is so weird still. Even thinking about it.

I've seen him at the hospital, on the day he died.
We went to the place it happened yesterday.
It's still not real, still not happening.

My house is full of people all the time, who look at me out of the corner of their eyes perpetually, just to check what I am doing and how I am. Who keep asking me to eat and drink.

I had a few hours sleep last night, between about 1 and 5 sometime. And I woke up, and slid my hand back, and he wasn't there.

Oh God he wasn't there. He will never be there. Never.

*deep breath*

I cannot explain to anyone how this feels, even though everyone asks, all the time. So I say it's ok.

It's not. It's like a thunderstorm, where everything is rain filled but ok, and then from nowhere there is lightning and thunder and the skies flood the world with rain, but then it goes back to plain rain again, until the next time. and the next time. And the next time.

I want him to hold me, stroke my back and kiss the top of me head and tell me everything will be alright.

Except the reason it isn't alright is that it's him that has gone.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

The end of day 2

It's the end of day 2.

He's still not home. I know why. It's ok, I'm not having some kind of delusional moment. It just feels like he's away again, in Khandahar or somewhere. Somewhere where he'll come home in just before September, just like last year.

Today we went to see where it happened. It was ok. I can see how it happened, and I can see what happened, and now I have the picture in my head that I needed.

Today the RAF came. There are lots of legal things to sort out. I think Ian is dealing with lots of it. I don't know.

Today the Minister came. There are lots of things to sort out there.

Today Caroline and Danny came. Thank God for them.

One of the things I now know about my life is just how many friends we have. I have. *I* have. No more we.

No little brother or sister for the AC - he will always just be him now.

No more.

No more.

We even had the Newspaper round. We referred them to the police. I have a Family Liason Officer. Don't I feel special.

The AC is in bed.
Caroline and Danny are sleeping downstairs tonight.
I am in our bed.

My bed.

There has been an email from the She-Ex, but Caroline has dealt with it. I can't right now. I keep trying to email the BG, and just not knowing what to say. I want to hold her, to read her "No Matter What!" just like I did the AC this evening. To tell her stories about her Daddy and choose a star with her.

But I know what was said, and I take it as read. I have lost her as well.

All I have now is the AC.

and a million, billion supportive friends and family.

And all I want.

is him to come home.

3 hours later

.... and it's still true.

I had half thought hoped dreamed that I would wake up this morning and it would be Friday morning again, and I would be in bed with him and this would have been some particularly nasty kind of dream.

I've dreamt through whole days before. It happens.

And it isn't.

It is just the living nightmare of see-sawing numbness and pain that it is.

The next few weeks are set to become an endless list of to-do and people to see. Today it is the Police again, and the RAF.

Caroline is on her way down, Ian and Mum will go back today. To be honest, I can't think further than 7.50 this morning, when it will be 24 hours that he has been dead. I keep making myself use the word, or killed, or something like that, to make me realise he isn't coming home in a week from Bisley, or a few weeks from Khandahar, but there is a part of me still hoping, just like we did with the baby.

I guess they get to be together though, and AC and I will join them many years from now.

Who knows.

From the lynn news.

A 34-year-old motorcyclist from the Lynn area died after being involved in a collision with two cars on the A134 Lynn Road at Wereham this morning.
Police are appealing for witnesses to the incident, which happened at about 7.50am at the junction with Lime Kiln Road and closed the A134 for about four-and-a-half hours.

A Norfolk police spokesman said: "A Triumph 900cc motorcycle was travelling along the A134 towards Thetford when, for reasons unknown, it was involved in a collision with a cream Daihatsu Sirion and a green Daewoo Espero.

"Sadly the rider of the motorcycle, a 34-year-old man from the Lynn area, died as a result of the collision."

The 21-year-old driver of the Daihatsu, which was also travelling towards Thetford, comes from the Lynn area and was uninjured.

A 39-year-old woman from the Downham area was driving the Daewoo, which was travelling in the opposite direction, towards Lynn. She received minor hand injuries and was treated by an ambulance crew at the scene.

The name of the motorcyclist is not being released until formal identification has taken place and next of kin have been informed.

Police said a silver Ford Puma is also believed to have been in the area at the time of the collision.

The A134 was closed from 7.50am to 12.30pm, with a diversion set up at the B1160 roundabout on the outskirts of Wereham, while emergency services dealt with the aftermath of the collision.

Officers are keen to speak to anyone who may have seen what happened or who saw any of the vehicles before the accident. Anyone who can help should contact PC Michael Robertson at Norfolk police's serious collision investigation team on 0845

The first day of the rest of my life.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

Yesterday, R died in a bike accident. It was a freak thing, and as far as we know it was no-ones fault. Only he was hurt.

I look back at yesterday mornings post, and I recognise the girl who wrote it, as though seeing a strangers face for the second time. I am numb inside, but every now and again I cry, huge sobbing aching noisy cries.

It's 2.17 am.

He died at 0750.
I knew at 1115.
I saw him at 1335.
It was definately him.

And yet I have this vagueness, like he is just away in Khandahar again. Like he'll be back and this will all have been some stupid mistake.

It won't have been.

I know it won't have been.

I can still feel him with me, but distant. I know if I could clear my mind of the numbness, that he would be here with me. He will never leave me, I know.

But there is no more option of climbing back into bed with him, all warm and gorgeous.

So I'm up.

His brother is asleep on the sofa.
My mother is asleep upstairs.

I feel like I just need to go outside, and walk and walk and walk and he will find me.

Practically, there is so much to do.
Emotionally, I am exhausted already, and there is so much to still go through.
Physically, I am tired.
Mentally, I am drained.

He is gone, and it is not fair, and I want him back.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Last day of school

It's the last day today.

Awards assembly and Sports Day were yesterday. (The AC got the Class Cup - I thought I'd mention it in case anyone had missed it...)

Today is Steve's play, 2 hours of tray sorting and so on, barbeque lunch, Leavers Assembly, and home time, and that's it.

For a long time.

Weirdly, the BG has 28 days of holidays left, and the AC now has 52 days left.

Actually, that's not weird at all. That's just the way it is lol.

I'm not feeling very sensible today. The idea of 52 days at home is rather appealing to me. I know that the AC will be with his father for 3 days of that each week :-( but needs must when it is the best thing for the child.

On with the morning.

I need to go up and wake the man. He'll be awake really, just lying there, all warm and gorgeous. I'd love to be getting back in with him, but today I can't. He has some time off coming, so I will then.

I was stood in the kitchen yesterday, just looking out of the window with a cup of tea, and he came up behind me, slipped his arms around me, and asked what I was looking at. In all truth, I told him that I was looking at the blue of the sky against the red of next doors bricks, and thinking about quilts, and summer, and just a wonderful life I have today. He told me I make his life wonderful too.

*sigh* You'd think after this time that the honeymoon period would be over - but no! 3.5 years and still deeply in love. It's amazingly cool. (Maybe it's because the She-Ex won't do the divorce so we can't be married, so there won't be a real honeymoon lol! But the Dear Reader knows my view on marriage!)

Anyway, really, on to the day.

I shall tell the world what the day was like later!

Thursday, July 16, 2009

So proud!

The AC got his award today. He's very proud. We're very proud.

Hurrah for being "kind, caring, consistently hard working and helpful." His teacher said afterwards there was a lot more she could have said, but we were all very aware of the time - assembly took almost 90 mins today!

Well done my darling boy.

Such news!

WARNING!

This is a proud Mummy post!

**********************

LOL.

Well, it is!

They have moved the ceremony forward to today, so I'm posting about it today, rather than Friday.

But this morning, at around 9am, the AC will receive his classes "Class Cup" trophy. Each class has 1 to give out, and it's a combination of the children's thoughts and the teachers thoughts. When his teacher told me on Monday, she said she'd thought about it and thought whether she should because he was a teachers child. And then she thought that she didn't care about that, she cared that he deserved it. Her reasonings will be announced in her presentation speech today. I also have a speech to do, for when I give mine out to the child in my class.

I am so proud of him. When the ceremony was tomorrow afternoon, R had the afternoon off of work booked so that he could come. As it's now this morning, R has to be somewhere and can't be there, but we're going to take the AC out for a special meal to celebrate and show him how proud his parents are of him and how much we value the work he has put in.

Regardless of what the She-Ex says, the AC isn't perfect and he does have to try hard at certain things, like his writing, and R and I have put in hours of work on it, both with the homework each week and with the work we've done separately, or even with just correcting the odd thing here and there, with providing extra opportunities to write. I originally didn't want to post this, because she won't be pleased for him, and it'll get thrown at one of us as a difference between him and the BG which is the way she usually uses the children. But then I thought no, I am so proud of him, the WORLD should know how happy we are for him. (Whether it wants to or not!) LOL! We'll put it all up in the blog for the BG later, but she hasn't seen last weeks 2 blogs yet, and I don't want to overload her!

I phoned his father to let him know, and to invite him, even though I didn't particularly want to, and I was right not to want to, as his father has told him that he'll be there for Awards Assembly today. I thought saying "AC doesn't know" and "I've had to tell you because school don't have your contact details and this isn't something that we put in a note home in case the children read it" would have pointed to the fact that it was supposed to be a surprise. However, I did the right thing, and did not let my feelings get in the way of what is best for the AC, who will be really pleased to see his father as R can't come.

And it's sports day this afternoon as well. AC is coming home with me because it's Thursday, and then tomorrow it's last day of school and he is coming home with me again because his father chose to forgo time with the AC for reasons best known to the He-Ex. I am not bothered what those reasons are (I suspect they are financial and parental.) but I am glad to spend time with my son.

Who has won the Class Cup. Did I mention that?

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Didn't sew...

.... but I read about sewing and watched the DVD that came with my magazine several months ago.

That's the way I've always been.

I try something, read about it, try it again, read about it and so on. I like to know what I'm doing and where I'm going with it all. I like to have the facts and techniques at my finger tips. And then sometimes I like to ignore it all and do my own thing because it *feels* right.

Sometimes things just do *feel* right.

A lot of my parenting is done on what feels right, in combination with reading that I've done and discussions I've had with people. The one time I didn't go with what felt right? My son turned out to have a low tolerance of dairy. But because I'd done the reading, I was able to answer the Health Visitors issues with facts and figures, mainly from World Health Organisation and tell her to get knotted, then carry on being able to do the best thing for my son.

A lot of my teaching is based on what feels right for that particular child, with a background of pedagogy and ideals in education, but also knowing the facts about that child, their background, their thinking, their lives. Who they are as individuals, really matters to me.

As I prepare to hand my children on to the next teacher, I know I'll miss some of them. Some I've had for 2 years now, and they are all such special children in their own way. I look at the ones coming in though, and I know I'll get to know them, and we'll get to know what feels right for them, and the way they learn.

It's a time of change for all of us, in so many different ways, known and unknown, published, and unpublished.

Quilting

I haven't posted very much about quilting recently, mainly because I haven't done very much lol!

I have 2 tops to baste and quilt and bind.

I have a horde of other tops in my mind.

But it is nearly the summer!

The first few weeks I will have 3 whole solid days a week of no company. :-( The child will go to his fathers for those days, then we will have glorious time together.

I will also be buying fabric on Friday. Definitely on Friday.

Tonight I may well quilt as well. Just because.

I'm a good girl.

I am such a good girl lol.

(If I am such a good girl why I am I so irritated about doing what I've just done?)

I just did a good thing.

(The act was good, the thought was good, the irritation that I have to do this is amazingly huge!)

I let the He-Ex know what was going on.

I didn't have to, it's not his right, it's nothing that I legally have to do. I just did, because, well, basically, it's polite, it's another way to acknowledge that he is the AC's father, that I cherish the good time we had together, and that whilst I know it doesn't work the other way, I don't care. I care that I've done the right thing for the AC and for us.

There is nothing coming the other way at the moment - no photos, no maintainanace, no nothing.

I suppose that's why I'm so irritated that I still did the right thing! I am trying so hard to turn the other cheek, as the Book says, to think, "Well, hang on, 2 wrongs don't make a right, what is the best thing I can do in this circumstance?"

And yeah.

I'm getting there lol.

Quilting this afternoon. I'm going to make some sample squares for a cross quilt and see how free quilting goes.

Laters people.

I was right.

Again.

I keep being right.

LOL!

Probably just me being "Mary f-ing Poppins" (only with the whole word in, and actually one of the funniest alleged insults I have ever recieved!)

So far today (about 90 minutes) I have...

rewritten a CV for someone
written a letter of application for them.
made bread (well, put bread maker on lol!)
changed washing.
fed cat
fed pig
read email
read blogs
written blog
checked to see if BG had seen this weeks blog (nope, nor last weeks either)
laughed a lot.

It's going to be one of those days!

So far today I know we have a Jazz band coming to school, then late play, then finishing off, then I'm on PPA (So I'll be sorting out the Smart Learning!) and the children will have the lovely Mr T.

Books sent home yesterday - Art, Science, RE. All marked up to date.

Of new people, and the same old stuff

Today was lovely in many ways.

I probably mean yesterday for me and today for the rest of the world, but I don't know. I mean Tuesday.

Tuesday was lovely in many ways.

Not-so-good-bits

Still no pictures of the BG (although there is email this morning, but no attachments, which means still no pictures. There'll be some excuse I expect. We're used to it. *sigh*)

Loooooooooooooong meeting last night, til 9pm, for church, more later.

Loooooooooooooong day at school, doing lots of little jobs that needed doing and so on.

AC got an elbow to the head........ right in the scar. He's fine, but it all went very red/pink/swollen for a while and looked like we might be heading back up to the doctors again. Thank goodness for socialised, access it when you need to, healthcare

Good bits!

I found out something exciting which I cannot say anything about until Friday! I am very pleased though, R is very pleased, AC doesn't know. Sssssh!

I had a long chat with the teacher of the children I am sending up. She is new to the school and so didn't know any of them or their histories. She seems very nice and was certainly very interested.

I had a long chat with AC's new teacher next year. She is also new to the school and doesn't know the children.

There was a long church meeting last night and it was all held in the spirit of God. This will rumble on for a while and there are certainly going to be issues at some point, but last night there weren't and for that we can praise.

So, lots of new people (new teachers, new children) and the same old stuff (no photos, same paperwork, finance issues at church)

Life, as they say, is good!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Oooookaaaay!

That was an odd post!

But it's cool, I know what it's about and whilst I will go into more detail sometime, today is not that time. Now the Dear Reader needs to be more patient too!

We are being patient about lots of things at the moment.

Still no photographs of the BG, although we did have a nice email from the She-Ex saying what they'd been up to whilst they were away for the day. R said he was looking forward to pictures of the lovely things she'd been doing.

Still no maintenance from the He-Ex. We don't get a lot from him each month, so it was more of a query than a demand for payment - I will never be reliant on him to feed my child lol! However, he's not able to pay still, it was due at the first of the month, and it's no big deal. I can wait.

Still no real understanding of what is going on with the ICT budget for next year. I do know that the school have spent most of the money on stuff that I hadn't said about, because we have been stuffed over by the previous incumbent of the top spot, but there we go. I've asked for clarification, in writing. It will come. I can wait.

Things that are coming though....

......ICEBREAKER today! - meet the new children.
......PAYDAY on Friday! - taking my family out I think!
......MEMBERSHIP - of church. YAY!
......HOLIDAYS - on Friday! AC and I have loads of time together!
......CHRISTMAS!....... isn't that what your mother said? "What are you waiting for? Christmas?"

There are lots of good things coming our way. Lots and lots and lots and lots and lots. Some more important than others, (anything children related!) some less important than others, (new fabric on payday!) some less likely than others, (photos of his daughter lol!) some definate. (HOLIDAYS!)

Did I mention the holidays?

I will do a whole post on those later in the week, with our plans and so on, but it is going to be COOL!

Our time will come.

We are very patient people, as a whole, R and I.

We know our time will come. We both had news over the weekend and yesterday that gladdened and saddened us, and we are patient people. We know our time will come.

We have faith.

We are waiting.

We know that this situation will not go on forever, and that eventually, our time will come, and sooner than it could, but later than we would have it! Of a choice, of course we would say now - but we are patient people. We have learnt that about ourselves over the last few years.

Our time will come.

Monday, July 13, 2009

4 days to go...

...

Just 4.

Juuuuuust 4.

Today was a long long day, and so I am heading to bed at around 2130, which isn't htat late but I am so tired that hopefully I'll sleep well.

Tomorrow is icebreaker, and I need to be alert for that, so that I start to learn the children's names! Most I know, there' s only a couple of new new children, the others are just y2 and new-to-me (lol, now they sound like something I'm freecycling!)

So.

Speak to you all in the morning lol.

To do this morning...

....

dishwasher
take AC to school and double check what is going on
home
maybe town to pick up the quilting mag. Probably not though.
washing machine
hoovering
resting
blogging on here (photos of the weekend)
blogging on the BG's blog (she still hasn't looked at last weeks, but there we go. I'll do it anyway and it will have been there for her)
sewing some more.
make shepherds pie for tea.
rest
lunch

I might reset mychores. I liked mychores. And rememberthe milk.com

Morning world!

It's going to be an odd kind of day I think.

Apparently, I have my well-being morning this morning, which means that I don't have to go to school until 1.15 today. Obviously I will have to take the AC, but apparently that's it. Hmmm.

1.15 will be register and then ICT, then assembly, then home.

Not exactly the worlds most taxing day, and tbh, exactly what I need. I am shattered after yesterday.

Thankfully, R and BG had a most excellent phonecall with lots of laughter. As usual we had come back from a glorious day out, and he had really enjoyed himself, and enjoyed us enjoying ourselves, and was loving the fact that he had arranged it all in secret, but underlying everything was the sense of loss caused by the BG not being able to enjoy it too. It's that kind of thing that makes the "Apart from" comment the other week so callous, insensitive and plain stupid. Yes we had a brilliant day, and we'll go again, but the sense of missingness, the BG sized gap, pervades every part of our lives. To assume that we could be utterly happy without her, just shows how much value is placed on the relationship, parent to child.

Oh well. Different values and priorities I suppose.

Anyway, they did have a good call - we had phoned at the usual time and there was no one in, so we just stayed up until there was. We had no information as to when there would be a phonecall but we are patient people. Oh yes indeed.

I will do a photo post later this morning. I was up at 4am with the AC who had a bad dream :-(

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Utterly fabulous day.

Today was glorious.

R surprised me by telling me this week we were going out on Sunday, to think about pack lunches, but not to worry about anything else.

Like where we were going.

It turned out to be the local Craft Show.

It was AMAZING! HE really knows what makes me tick with these things!

We've been before, and I'll post a photo post later about it all when I have the photos from the camera. There was glassblowers, broom makers, knitting, crochet, carpentry, wood turning, Sam had his name carved in a piece of wood by a mad German with a chainsaw, and there was puppets and icecream and it was all marvellous.

I am a very tired, but very happy me. And very enthusiastic about what crafting I'll be doing over the summer.

The AC's head is looking much better and he's back to school on Monday. I'll photo post Monday morning as apparently I am off. I'm not really sure how or why or what I should be doing, but I'll find out tomorrow as I have to take AC in anyway.

laters peoples!

Post-less

I didn't do a public blog yesterday. It's the first day I've missed for a while, and mainly because yesterday was such a busy day. We had our meeting with the bank lady who is fabulous and is going on maternity leave in Dec, for which we are very happy for her!

We pottered around at home, I slept through IceAge the Meltdown and the AC played on the floor and with R.

We gamed.

We were together. It's what we do best.

R and I talked about the AC and how best to handle his boundary pushing, his exploration of what is rude and what is funny, and his developing attitude.

Neither of us think shouting is a clever thing to do - it just means the loudest person wins.
Neither of us think smacking is the right thing to do for every circumstance - it just means the most violent person wins.
Neither of us think extended time out is the sensible thing to do - often a child goes through the realisation of what they have done and into anger again before the time out is finished.

We talked about phrasing what we say very clearly - the AC is a very literal child. He gets it from his mother. lol!

We talked about the counting, which has always worked for him and is still working.

We talked about positive reinforcement and making sure that we are in positive moods, regardless of work, or Ex's or anything else like that. We always explain how we are feeling, with a brief overview of why if it's relevant to him. Not if it's not, we don't badmouth the She or He-Ex, because we don't think it's the right thing for him, or for any future relationships he has with adults or with BG.

And now he's up, so snuggling on the sofa has been requested.

I think I can manage that!

Friday, July 10, 2009

Boing!

And so to bed.

A long, hard, hectic, painful day.

Best bits?

Knowing my son was happy to stay home with R and R was happy and capable to look after him, and they would have a great, if careful, day together, because they love spending time together.

What else could I ask for? Apart from.......

One of *those* days....

You know with it's going to be one of those days. The battery is flat on the car. The milk is a touch off. That kind of day.

And then....




Poor baby. The AC came to school with me today, and whilst outside, before school started, he fell off a bench (during a game of 40-40-IN!) and this was the result. A mighty bump.


It's dried over ok now, he spent the day at home with R and I went back to school.




Major ouches.

His father thinks that it's much better for him to be with me and whilst I agree with him for a variety of reasons, I do disagree with the phrase "Well I have a lot to do with Nana, so it's worked out for the best actually."

The She-Ex is badly spoiling for some kind of fight, but hasn't had one. Other things to think about, other priorities lol! I was proud of R though, because no matter how she antagonised him, he just said, "AC is up, I don't want to have this conversation now." Lovely. Just.... lovely.

Like we always say.

Ex's for a reason..............

So a quiet night, a quiet day and then whatever Sunday brings! (It's still a surprise!)

There's no *I* in team.....

... and at my school, there's no "f"in team either.

Go with me on that one!

Anyway, I've done the work, stayed up late, got up early, the usual thing.

Sobbed my way through the end of Torchwood CoE4. We're downloading them all on iPlayer and then R and I will watch them on Saturday as a oneshot. And I have 6 more school days left until the holidays.

We're going out on Sunday. I don't know where. I know we're back in time for phonecall to BG, obviously, although she was so sweet last night and told her Daddy that they were camping this weekend. No email from her mother, but that's fine, BG is old enough to manage a message! (Personally, I'd do both for something like this, because phonecalls matter when that's all there is, but never mind!)

So yes, we're out on Sunday. I need to provide a pack lunch for the boys and I. We may need wet weather stuff. I have *no idea* where we are going, but we'll all enjoy it! Apparently! I love it when he arranges surprises like this. He's such a sweet and amazing man.

We have reached the stage of acceptance, in many other matters. We have heard from our MP and are waiting to hear his next recommendation, but he seems behind us. I have a strong belief in making the elected work for us, and this isn't the first time we have had contact, nor will it be the last.

Not a huge deal to say today really - so tired!

And so desparately trying to be nice and not unkind when there is so much unkindness in me at the moment. Well it can stay there. I don't need to say it unless I am provoked and even then I can choose not to. I can be the bigger person. (well, in this regard!)

LOL!

Thursday, July 9, 2009

I'm not complaining...

.... oh. Yes I am.

Having marked someone elses work for them because they said they couldn't do it before the hand in for reports, I now am lumbered with the analysis of said work, because they can't be bothered and it has to be in tomorrow and I am sick of our team looking bad because of the laziness of some people.

If you say you're going to do something, do it!

Unlocking frozen seas.

The Headmistress at The Common Room asked about books which had broken our frozen seas. She was referencing a Kafka quote,

A book ought to be an ice pick, to break up the frozen sea within us.
Franz Kafka

I answered her in a comment, but wanted to put them on here, and add to them as they came to me.

"Stranger in a strange Land" (Robert Heinlein) changed my world, and changes it every time I read it and "grok" more of it, perhaps never to a fullness.

The Bible, odd as that sounds, (or perhaps not) is able to unlock me when I'm stiff with emotion, usually Proverbs, because they are either very true or very funny. The advice I find within that book answers every question for me in different ways.

"Brave New World" (Aldous Huxley) also rocked my world alongside "Running Man" and "The Long Walk" by Richard Bachman, aka Stephen King. The first two are becoming more and more evident in the world, the latter is just one of the strangest books I've read in a long time.

I will add to this.

Probably.

Although part of me says "Those ones came to mind straight away. Maybe *they* are the ones that matter."

Quiet evening, complex day.

Yesterday was easy in so many ways, and complicated in so many ways. Once again I was amazed by the insensitivity of the She-Ex - I have to believe it is insensitivity, because I have to believe she is a nice person inside and wouldn't have sent the BG to the movies (with someone else) at the time her father always calls and not even email to say. Or even email this morning to say how she got on and if she had a good time and so on. I know the blog is unregarded, but there we go. One day she will see that one, and this one, if she wants to.

Yesterday was lovely in many ways - we did numeracy, literacy, then Mrs Y my TA said that a local historical attraction was open - I gathered 3 adults and off we went! It was fabulous, and definitely something to look at. We're going to spend time there with the kiddies next term, do some rubbings and some writing and so on.

Then it was my PPA in which I wrote a letter to a child's parents, saying that I know they didn't like his report, I didn't like writing it, but facts are facts. Sorry.

What else? I had a series of discussions with my Deputy Headteacher who was concinced I was arguing against him, when, by the end of it, he could see that if he'd listened in the first place, I was just presenting the facts for 2 options, one of which was the one he wanted!

And then I came home, and my friend was sad so I was on the phone for a long while with her, cleaned the house, downstairs whilst on the phone and so on.

Watched Torchwood.

Went to bed.

Night night lol!

Today should be swimming, literacy (Look and Read), finishing thankyou letters, then lunch, then sports day. IF the weather holds out, which is looking increasingly doubtful!

I shall update as the day progresses!

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

New chair!

Very soon my new chair will be delivered.

Ok, so it's only new to me.

And the caretaker from school who I am getting it off is delivering it.

And I'm paying him after payday (his idea!)

But, I'm excited. Some days I struggle and this should make life easier. The main reason, but he doesn't know this, is so that R can use it as well and it should make life easier for him. But he'd never do something like this for himself, so he thinks he's doing it for me. LOL!

We are so lucky. He is so lovely. We had a loooooooooooooooooong talk last night, and it clarified things for both of us. We still aren't sure what will happen, or what the best thing to happen is, but we are both in a place where we accept that what happens is the will of *insert deity of choice* and that is a good feeling. He loves me, I love him, we love the AC and the BG, the AC loves us both, the BG loves her Daddy. In a physical sense, that's all we need to give us the strength to go forward.

And now, I am going to make my new chair a space, and enjoy it. It gets here at 6......

Sitting and staring

So after yesterday's very busy day which consisted of a trip to Green Quay all morning, writing thankyou letters all afternoon, we have another busy day for me lined up.

Numeracy (Making beebot mats)
Literacy (Look and Read)
Science (separating solids and liquids)
PPA - also known as me going home and working, although, tbh, I might stay at school and mark books ready to send home.

Although, I think we might have a jazz band coming in this morning to play, no one was really sure last night.

The End Of Term just ambles it's way through treats and trips, films and freeplay. We are 8 working days away from holidays now, and 8 days from me seeing the back of this year at school.

The children have been wonderful, the year itself has been diabolical. The stress of changing head, (which will continue as the new one can't start til Jan. Probably) the stress of a high energy using SEN section, whom I love, but who need so much extra, the added stress of the peculiarities of the He and She Ex's, the physical challenges that this year has brought, the mental stress that they have caused, even through stupid things like there having been *no* photos for over a month or him deliberately not taking the AC to his martial arts class. Or things like the immortal "Apart from" email.

And of course the ChickenPox.

However, there have been many highlights, like N understanding words finally, and C going through her homelife and coming out strong, Ch counting to 5 and using 3 words, CaptainH using 2 signs to make a sentence (biscuit please!) The Top Pack getting excellent grades when they finally realised they had to put some effort in, all those things.

It's been good in so many ways, and those are the ways I will focus on. I will not allow others to colour my view of life with their incessant negativity and nastiness!

Onwards!

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

The AC's report.

I sent a letter to the teacher of the AC today thanking her for a marvellous year of progress for the AC, and asking her to thank the leader of the intervention group that he went to for 16 weeks which really turned his writing around.

Grades wise, he should be getting around a 1b at his level.

Maths - 1b
English - 1c (slightly below, he's still catching up the writing, but we know his reading and comprehension age is around 2 years ahead)
Science - 1a (slightly above)
ICT - 1b

But that wasn't the important bit. For me, the important bits are that for his effort grades (which are Poor - Satisfactory - Good - Very Good - Excellent) he received 5 Goods and 6 Very Goods. That means he's trying hard, and I can't ask more of my son than that.

His personal comment at the end was wonderful as well.

It started off with :

"AC is a happy, polite, popular, caring and well behaved child. AC relates well with adults and his peers and he respects and follows the school rules, and is aware of, and can usually resist, inappropriate peer influence. AC has a positive attitude towards his work."

I won't type the whole thing lol, but it said that he had tried hard with his self organisation, and with his handwriting and letter formation, and "the presentation of his work is steadily improving."

All we've ever asked of him is that he tries hard and does the things he is asked to do. Because of that attitude, because of the work ethic he is growing up amongst, because of how important it is that he is a useful member of society, not a drain or a disgrace, even at his age, he has understood that he has a role to play in a wider society, that whilst he is the centre of my universe he is not the centre of the entire universe, and that is a good thing for him to know.
Working with the school on the intervention for his writing has headed off any potential disaffection at the pass, meaning that he is enthused and working at his own level again, rather than being angry for feeling frustrated at being behind.

His teacher is pleased, his Head teacher is pleased, and we are pleased.

More importantly, *he* is proud of himself, and has asked that we do some practice of his writing over the holidays so he can go back to school with it sorted out.

That's our boy.

Loving her to death....

..... ok, not death. But silence will do, and that's what I've got.

Yesterday, the She-Ex emailed me to tell me she'd bought the book. "The book" is the Learn to Read in 100 lessons type book, that she has been on about getting because the BG, according to her, "cannot read". (She can, she's just quite behind)

Anyway, randomly, and in an utter "picking an argument" kind of way, she emailed me this over sarcastic message last night, that she had the book, it had taken Sunday to now to read the first half, and it was good because whilst BG didn't need the first half of the book because she can already do those bits (hurrah for the realisation!) it was helping her mother to sound out what she needed to help her child read.

I replied that I was glad. If the She-Ex needed a book to help with that, then cool, glad she had the book she wanted, glad it would help, if it was going to give her more confidence in reading with the child then great. I said it would be easier than her letting us know how BG was getting on (we've had 1 spelling sheet since school broke up in the US and nothing really about her reading, despite the assurances that there would be, but then it's been almost a month since there were any pictures - not even a new picture of BG for Fathers day!) and basically I tried to be positive and enthusiastic about the book.

The book which I think is so *not* the right way for BG, and is an utter cop-out. But hey, different things work for different people, right? Right.

What I got back was rudeness and an accusation of stabbing her in the back with knives, or some such rubbish. Oh, and told I ruin everything.

Now, after the day I'd had, and the mood I was in, I had to work quite hard to send a positive and enthusiastic email to someone who has basically taken the work I've done for her and BG and thrown it right in my face with a whole load of "Too much like making an effort" attitude. The chances of her getting a second positive and enthusiastic email, that demonstrated understanding of her apparently fragile emotional state were slim. I can be, at times, quite a wordsmith, building pictures or attacks with words if I choose. It is always best to read my words literally, because rarely, so rarely, is there anything extra than what I mean, and after the flagrant abuse she gave R on Sunday for the crime of now being happy as he can be after *her* behaviours 4 years ago, I was itching to throw one.

But what would that achieve? Nothing. More animosity, more anger, more of what she wants, which seems to be an outlet for her pain and frustration at the fact that we are happy with each other and as she sees it "Apart from R not having BG, our lives are pretty damn spiffy" (still no apology for that one, and there was an enhancement on Sunday, but it's not my email, so I won't comment too much!) So I calmed my fingers, and typed a nice email that still got my point across I hope, but wasn't abusive. It did say that if she wanted to point score go ahead and win and have a trophy because it wasn't a game I played, which could have been worded better, but it needed to be basic so that she got the point I was making, which is simply this.

I don't care how BG learns to read, I just love her and want her to be able to read and have choices when she's bigger. (I told her teacher that at the end of school) Limited levels of literacy limit lives. She deserves a better life than her mother, with wider job choices and prospects that only come with college. Don't we all want our children to have a better life than ours? Don't we all want our children to be able to read and write and calculate?

Anyway, I was dreading opening the email to the torrent of abuse that has been there in recent weeks randomly, but this morning there was nothing. So either she took the message about point scoring, or she realised I wasn't being antagonistic and she was being paranoid again, or whatever, tbh, I don't care, but there was nothing nasty. On the other hand, there was nothing for R either, as BG's father, which kind of just reinforces the point for me that she was originally just looking for a row.

"Kindness is the oil that takes the friction out of life.” No idea who said that, but it's working for me today!

Monday, July 6, 2009

When the children are gone

There's a post over at Chef Penny's where she's talking about what life is like when the children have gone. Her children aren't gone yet, and she was referencing someone elses blog. (Beth at livingproofministries.blogspot.com)

Anyway, formalities and reasonings behind the existence of this post over, the post itself.

She was writing about the need to keep the marriage alive, even through the children, so that when there are no children, the marriage is still there and the parents don't look at each other like strangers. She was writing about the work that it needs to keep a marriage going.

Now, as the Dear Reader already knows, I'm not married to R. I've been married twice. The first time, I married my best friend, and we thought that would be enough. We were wrong.

The second time, I married the father of my imminently arriving Adorable Child. I thought that that would be enough. I was wrong.

This time? This time there is just R and me and the boy. This time there is a knowledge, not given to us by our parents, but learnt by hard work, and loss, and rejection, and the fearful fact that all *can* be lost. Because it already has, for him and for me.

So what do we do? What can we do? We work at our relationship, that's what we do. How? There's the question. There are so many small ways, small things that we do for each other, everything, from cups of tea to remembering things for each other, to helping out, to touching on the way past.

We have both lost so much.

We will not lose it again.

Both our pasts speak of feelings of neglect, and of not knowing what to do about it, and so each of us withdrew from our respective partners - until we were accused of neglect in return. We didn't talk, thinking that we were being strong and brave and that turned out to be the wrong thing because we were not sharing ourselves. It didn't matter that we had been ignored and not listened to when we did speak, it didn't matter that our opinions didn't matter. we made the wrong choice, and marriages fell.

So we talk. We talk a lot and more importantly, we listen. We listen and pay attention and love.

Love is the vital part. He is not a competition prize or a trophy, he is R. I am not his bit of skinny blonde, or his "tits and ass", I am just me. We love. We love with a passion, physically, actively and, (and this is vital) regularly. We were both so rejected, physically, by our previous partners, that individually we had begun to think there was something wrong with us, that we wanted it, enjoyed it too much.

And then we found each other, and realised that for us, this is normal. Now we have something that is amazing, that is all about us and the physicality is a huge part of that.

We have each other. And when the AC grows up, there will still be us. We have lost too much to let a chance like us go. So we'll work on it, not let it to fate, not let us decay like we did before, and enjoy being with someone who loves us just for us.

It's all good.

HAH!

I am not in the best of moods.

I have had a lovely day with the lovely children, and I mean that in all senses. They are adorable, fabulous people, and I will miss them like mad.

I then ran a staff meeting for a staff who are over worked, over stressed, over tired, and had to teach them new things. This went well in some quarters, not so in others.

I then came home to a letter from Lloyds saying I was in arrears!

I most certainly am not! I phoned, and oh yes, there we are, wrong letter, sorry madam.

I am going to have a LARGE cup of tea. And biscuits. And read the quilt magazine again.

I might go on WoW.

I might put on the tv and be amazed at other peoples lives and feel better because actually, I *do* know who my baby's father is, it's not from a short list of 5, and he is being raised wonderfully.

Cross me at your peril tonight people. Fair warning given!

LOL! (see, the crossness is wearing off already - I am so bad at this!)

Is life too short to pair socks?

I have a large basket of socks that needs pairing. And I mean LARGE!

It's massive.

In a while, I will sit down and pair socks in the quiet of the morning, in the peaceful bit before the world gets up around me. I will check the emails (putting it off after yesterdays "peculiarities!") I will check BBC weather forecast, I will pootle through a couple of blogs that update late at nights US time. I will potter around, just being me.

In this time of the morning, I cannot sew, the machine will wake the child, and besides, I need time and thought to sew, not something I have acres of first thing in the morning. I cannot bake, I cannot empty the dishwasher as that *will* wake the child, and he needs all the sleep he can get.

Around 6am I will have my shower, and wake R for his, and in small domesticity, our lives will continue.

We are a very domestic family. But not mundane. I was talking to friends of ours who do SCA, and if you aren't an SCA person then you are generously referred to as "mundane", and she said yes, we were in that sense, but in no other way was our family mundane!

Domestic things figure quite highly on our lists of things to do. You know what it's like with a house, there is always something that needs doing. R is not such a big person for domesticity as me, but he likes to do his bit and especially when I'm ill, which is what he considers me to be at the moment. He works in flurries, and in a short space of time he'll do 10 things, and then that's him done for a while. Yesterday, in the space of about 20 minutes he did the cats box, cleaned the kitchen, emptied and refilled the dishwasher, made a cup of tea, loaded the washing machine and tumbler, and made the AC some juice. I would have taken longer to do all those things, which were the things that needed doing, because I would have read a bit of something, checked for an email from the SEN company, talked to the boy about something, forgotten I was changing the cat litter and started cleaning the bath, that kind of thing.

But everything gets done eventually in this house. The house is never dirty and disgusting. It's often "lived in" and verging on messy, and upstairs is probably more than verging right now, but it's nearly the holidays, and I have to choose where to spend my energies at the moment.

So I should pair socks. I don't pair mine, I just put two together. I pair R's and the AC's, because R has to for work, and the AC's father throws a fit if I don't, even though the AC says that the socks don't have to be pairs and it doesn't matter to him. He likes to chose two socks that have something in common - a colour, a word, a vehicle, whatever, and then I have to guess why!

What else was I going to write about?

I can't remember. It's the tiredness lol.