Monday, October 10, 2011

Weekend blues

I've worked through the weekend again, marking and planning and so on.  The problem is that we were away, which means I was doing it without the internet which makes things twice as hard. T-boy is becomming more and more miserable and this weekend was just not in a happy place at all.  Hopefully we'll go to the meeting and we'll find out what's been going on at school that is making him so negative about it.  This weekend, even his grandmother said he was moaning and complaining more than she had ever known.

Maybe it's me.

Maybe I am the problem.  Deep down, I know that I'm not, but as far as he is concerned, I am.  His mother is prepared to let him do what he wants, eat what he wants, be what he wants.  If that involves spending all day in front of the tv and the computer games, and eating crap, then so be it.  At least he's quiet, as far as she's concerned.  I don't know. 

I know we went for a walk yesterday, much against his wants, and he monked and moaned all the way around, and then told his grandmother I'd been annoying him.

I probably do.  I mean, I expect him to have manners, speak politely and like the 10 year old he is, to eat what is on his plate without a fuss, and to join in with the family.  The AC has had enough at the moment, and doesn't want to engage with T-Boy if all he is seeing is T-Boy being horrible to everyone that AC loves.  I can't blame him, although I do tell him off when he is not polite to T-Boy, because we have to lead by example.

T-Boy just doesn't seem to care though.  I know he's had a different upbringing, and a different work ethic installed, and a different life to the AC, but he just doesn't care.

I'm praying.  I'm praying a lot.  We worked so hard over the holidays, and he got so much better, and how he's gone backwards and it feels like we have to start all over again.  He's coming for half term, which I am glad about, because it's more chances to get some decent food into him, teach him how to live life like a human being, and not like an ego-centric baby, and to help him grow some more.

I;ve arranged for the AC to go away from the Wednesday.  Technically that could be seen as me putting the T-Boy before the AC, but I know that the AC will be happy to spend time with his father and it will reduce the tension in the house if he spends time away from the T-Boy.  AC will just blow at some point, and whilst I couldn't blame him - T-Boy is deliberately annoying at times - I want to avoid it as it doesn't show T-Boy how to be a better person.

It could be worse.  It has been worse. 

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Again with the hiatus.....

And it's again with the break.

I don't understand my relationship with the blogging world at the moment.  I am connecting more with real life I suppose, and the awareness of who I am, of what I want, of where I see myself in 5 years, all of that is changing.

The rug-pulling post is, I suppose, my starting point.  That change in who I am, of a mother of many-who-are-small-and-growing to a mother of one-who-is-big-nearly has rocked my world in a massive way.  In many ways, it is distressing and emotionally traumatic to think that that side of my life is over, and that those dreams are gone.  It is almost like a bereavement, of a grieving for those who I never knew.

In other ways, it is almost liberating to have a blankness where those dreams were, to now think "What shall I put there?"  Almost like when we were little and grownups said "What do you want to be when you grow up?" and we didn't know what to answer because the world was the mollusc of our choice - we weren't even resticted to oysters!

So I'm typing in my kitchen, listening to the dishwasher, and to BBC iplayer, and to the washing machine, and I'm thinking "Who am I?  Who do I want to be?  Where do I want to go? What do I want to do?"


Except work in the sewers.  I've never wanted to do that.  Too much underground.