Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Wednesday words of my own

Today, in a completely narcissistic way, my Wednesday words are my own.

This morning I logged into Goodreads.  I don't usually.  I wasn't aware I had an account, but I was looking for a quote about something which I have now forgotten, and the goodreads quotes came up so I clicked there and low and behold it logged me in via facebook.

As I say, I wasn't aware I had an account!

I do.  And I have 3 bookshelves of reading, read and favourites.

They were all entered in January 2010, at the very end of the month.  I looked back at this blog to see what I was doing then.  January was a long month.

I was starting my first new year without Rich.  I was saying "Last year" for when he was killed.  I hadn't met J properly although we'd gone bowling with the armourers in December.  I was chatting to AB who had expressed his intentions and who's intentions I had politely declined.  I wasn't ready.  I had norovirus on my birthday. (yeah, proper grim norovirus! The school shut and everything!) I knew all of this.

I didn't know I'd been to BETT10 with my brother.
I didn't know I'd gone to my sister's for the annual post Christmas get together.
I didn't know that the AC was being offered play therapy by the local children's pysch unit.
I didn't know that the AC was the centre of my world in quite the way he was.
I didn't know that was when the new head teacher started at school.

I should know these things, shouldn't I?  They shouldn't have just dropped out of my mind. But I read them like something new. Like reading someone elses blog.

The idea that I should look at it as someone elses blog opened my eyes.
I didn't know that I could be so eloquent in grief. (though I probably says it as shouldn't)
I didn't know my own words, looked at just over 4 years later, could reduce me to tears on a Wednesday morning.
I didn't realise how much I loved, and needed and missed Rich.  I still don't know how I got through that.

Today?  Today is J's birthday, today is the day after all of the parents evenings although I still have 4 parents to see who couldn't make it to the 5 hours of parents evenings we had available.  I have overtired children in class, an overtired child of my own upstairs, and presents still to wrap for J.

I am a terrible fiancée and mother lol, but reading through that month, I am a bit prouder of myself today.  I didn't take the easy options, I took the right ones.

My own words, for Wednesday, have bolstered me up.  Hurrah!

The usual Wednesday linky is here.  Check out other Wednesday word people!

Crazy With Twins

Monday, March 24, 2014

Long day

Its parents evening today. And tomorrow. And then four parents who can't make today or tomorrow will need to be seen.

I like parents evening usually, but I know I have some tough conversations coming tonight.

How do I say "Your child is lazy" in a nice way? Or "Your child is mean to other children."? Or "Your child tells so many lies, even they get confused about the truth."

We'll get there, because we have to, because I wouldn't be doing my job if I pretended that everything was roses when it's not. And for some parents, everything will be roses!

But for some, it won't be.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone so don't mock the spelling and I'll be back later to sort the layout!

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Lenten Detox

Today is the first day of Lent.

I am detoxing my heart, my mind and my body.  I'm staying off of unnecessary internet, (I have to use it for work, or I would cheerfully not do internet at all!)  I'm staying away from tea, processed white sugar, over processed food, and drinking more water.  I'm trying to complete the 40day Bible adventure as well.


Lots of reasons.

I like Lent.  I always get the feeling I am not supposed to like it, but I do.  I like the time to refocus on what matters - God, the boys, real friends, me.  In that order.  I am an easily led child.  I am easily sucked into stuff that takes me away from what matters.  Recently, Safer Internet Day, the new hardware, the new assessment process, the general tiredness, the Y2 thing, have all taken me away from what matters - God, the boys, real friends, me.

I have been not chasing God in the way I need to.  He is always there for me, but I am not stepping up the way I should do.  I need to be more proactive in finding out more about Him.  I was angry with him, so angry, after Rich's accident, because it took away so many dreams and hopes.  But J and I have new dreams, new hopes, and they are there because J is there and he is there because that's where God wants us to be.  He has done His bit, I am not doing mine right now.  That needs to change.

The AC and I are finding Y6 harder that we thought.  He has the school he wanted for next year, but he is struggling to find his place in Y6, and that's just the way it is.  I know that because I am a teacher, I've taught Y6 so many times, and I didn't want the AC to be one of *those* children, which is not a bad thing, but it's hard to watch him searching for something that he doesn't even know what it is.  I need to take this time to reconnect better with him as well.
I need to make more of an effort with T-boy as well.  I don't write on here about him a lot.  He is so very different to the AC, and I struggle to connect with him sometimes.  I always step back, and encourage him to have time with J because they don't see each other and I don't want to get in the way.  Maybe that's not helping.
J is amazing.  I need to make sure he knows I think he is amazing.  I'm also going to be reading 'Power of a Praying Wife', which is such a fabulous book for refocusing the mind and heart.

I've lost contact with some Real Friends recently.  We are all just busy, there's no row, there's no falling out, there's nothing bad, we're just busy.  I write to the Old Dear, I've written to my aunt recently, I need to write to more people.  I tend to think about phoning people at stupid o'clock in the morning.  Then I forget.  Then I remember when we're all at work.  Then I forget.  Then I remember when it's late at night.  Then I forget.  You can see where this is going....

Lastly, is me.  I need to think a bit more about what I want, where I want to be, what I want to do.  There's a few courses I want to do, but they take money, stupidly huge amounts for a Masters now.  I want to sew.  I haven't sewn for a long time now.  I itch to get the pedal under my foot and watch something take shape, almost without me.  I am reading more, (loving the Kindle) I am baking more and cooking more homemade things.  We are having a back to basics with food because we'd got a bit take-away happy. I'm having a detox because I'm relying on sugar to get through the day now.  I'm carrying some extra poundage which is pressing on my joints.  Not masses of it (I'm 11st4, 158lb for anyone who is interested!)

It's Lent.  It's a time of thoughtful preparation.  It's a time of change.  It's 40 days of working for change, because it won't happen by itself.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

And breathe again....

WARNING : This post may make no sense to anyone outside of the UK Education system.

Yesterday was National Offers Day.

In September, we received the letter saying we had to choose a Secondary school (age 11-16 or 18) for the Adorable Child.  Whilst the idea of my 'delicate baby' (ha!) at secondary school was a shocker, I filled the form in on-line, right away, and I took the same gamble I did with his primary school (5-11) in that I just put down the school we wanted him to go to.

It was a joint decision between AC, his father, his step father, and I.  We all chatted it over and put him down for his catchment school.  It's a mile away so he can walk, it has a good reputation for sports, it has had an OfSTED problem recently, and it's going Academy, but that last one is what the majority of schools in the UK seem to be doing, and it won't impact on him academically.  The OfSTED issue is less of an issue that it seems.  They were punished on attendance, which they can't do anything about if the lazy kids won't come into school, and for 1 years worth of results, and we all have a bad set of results every now and again.

Importantly, it has a strong reputation for discipline, for producing intelligent children who think for themselves, it doesn't have a gang culture, it will be able to support him emotionally, and it will get the best out of him.

Now we just have to wait and see how many of his friends got in.  It should be all of them....

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Everything's Amazing, sort of.

The Adorable Child is reading a lot of Tom Gates books at the moment.  He really likes them.   I think they are ok, but then I am not the target audience.  He is, and he loves them.

At the moment, he's reading Everything's Amazing, Sort Of.  I have no idea what it's about, but the title is ringing through me.  Everything's Amazing.  Sort of.

Life is like that.  Everything is amazing, but human's always have to put a 'sort of' on it.  Like, it could be better.  Like, it's not enough.  Whatever it is, we want the extra.  The grass is always looking greener.

AC is facing SATs soon.  He has been sent home with revision books.  But this is his graph.  The green line shows national average.  He is well above national average.  That is amazing.  We've worked so hard for this, and now it's all good.  His reading has always been good - he could read before he went to proper school, because I taught him when he showed interest.  His maths took off as soon as he was shown, and he absorbed new information like a sponge.  His general knowledge is fabulous - he likes facts and figures and the more pointless the better!  Even his writing, which he has always struggled with, is now showing the results of continuous hard work, of love and support and a healthy dose of nagging.

And yet, on my coffee table, are his revision books.  His teacher wants the best for him, knows he can achieve more, which is fine, and I'm applauding her sense of ambition for him, I love the way she gets the absolute best out of all of her children, but can we just be proud of where he is now for a little while?

Everything is amazing, but apparently only sort of.......