Saturday, December 26, 2009

It's late...


It's quite often late these days.  I'll get my body back in sync with the world eventually I suspect.

It's been an evening to reflect on the last few days, to think about the next week, and to look at 2010 without Rich.  In a way, things became easier when we got to September, and he and I had nothing written on the calendar.  I suspect they will become easier again when we get to 2010.  It has always been that way with me, that once I can say "Last year." things change.

I was asked about my FB status this week.  It still says "engaged to Rich Hannis" because ..... well I was lol!  I was asked when I was going to change it, and what to.  I don't know.  Am I single? I suppose so.  I will always love Rich, and anyone who I share my life with is going to have to manage to deal with that.  Rich understood about Steve, so it is possible that there is another man out there who can be the same way.

I just can't imagine there being one.  I can't imagine seeing someone else at the table, or in the kitchen, or waking up to someone else's head on my pillow.  I have no doubt that in the end I will do - I'm not made to be on my own for too long, I like the company, and I like the physical side of things (not just the sex, thou filthy minded people!)

It comes down to that I have faith that I will be sent the right person at the right time.  I was the right person for Rich, I healed him before he died, he raised AC to be a strong child, and to have excellent manners and behaviour and attitude and so on.  He did that.  He is an excellent father, and even now I know he watches the children.  He knows all that goes on, and he understands.  He is with God now, no more suffering, able to see the AC and BG as much as he likes, and whilst it hurts so much still, that knowledge gives me such comfort I cannot explain it.

I could give up, let myself go to fat, eat rubbish, drink rubbish and never exercise, secure that he would be waiting for me when I died.  But what good would that do the AC?  None whatsoever.  He needs a strong male rolemodel in his life, and he needs to carry on seeing what good relationships look like.  He saw that with Rich and I.  He told his teacher that we loved each other a LOT, and he knew it.

Anyway, I should go to bed.



The child and I are chilling.

He's been on the board, we snuggled for some Phineas and Ferb, some Dr Who (Series 3 Box set THANKYOU Father Christmas!) we played some more games, I skated, I checked mail, sent mail, got made sad by mail, and walked away from the computer for a while.  I won't be bullied, not today, not any day. So I felt better by snuggling the child, watching Scooby Doo, Zeke and Luther, writing, reading, sewing, chilling.

Mum and Dad came over for an hour, we relaxed together, Dad was impressed with AC's board, and we had nice family time together, just like yesterday but quieter.

We're just getting through this as best we can, and the child and I are doing a pretty good job.  It's just a matter of focusing on what matters, and on the moment right now.

Christmas Day

Christmas Day was yesterday.

When my brother asked me, at the end of the day, if I'd had a good day, I said 95% yes.  2% utterly diabolical. 3% was, I'm afraid, caused by the stuffing which had an adverse effect on the male members of the household, which was presented in utter stinkiness.

Enough said.

2% was the shaking sobs from my son at 4 in the morning, wanting Rich home so badly he was physically hurting.  It was the silent tears dripping on baby Lilly when I changed her and cuddled her to sleep.  It was the absence of Santa hats, the missing peals of laughter, the missing bag of lovely things on the end of my bed.  In the darkness I held the child close, told him it wasn't our fault, we didn't choose this, there was a bigger picture that we didn't know.  I told him accidents happen, and we are doing really well.  That Rich didn't choose to hurt us like this, by separating him and the AC, that he was probably just as sad he couldn't be with us.  I rocked him back to sleep, like a little one.

and 95%?

95% was watching the children unwrap and play with presents they loved.  AC is still on his Tony Hawks board, and loving it.  I've been told I'm the best Mummy, the coolest Mummy, that no one else could ever get him a present as great as that. Ever.  My brother and he took turns yesterday, AC and I have taken turns today.  Life is good.  It was also the massive lunch that Fran cooked, the playing and the joking around the table, the extra sprouts she had done for Rich without even thinking about it, the pulling crackers and telling terrible jokes. The "Oh My WORD!" picture of my in my new jumper.  It's a UK12.  In the pictures, I look about a UK 26.  No kidding.  Not flattering lol! (And as a side note, and completely irrelevant, I now have new and very comfortable size 12 trousers and several compliments about my trimness.  Putting the effort in is working for me!  Not that I am shallow enough to care...... ;-)  ) It was changing the baby and having cuddles and seeing her laughter at the same old games I played with the AC.  It was texts from several Armourers and others to see if we were doing ok, phonecalls from P+C, from Caroline, from Andy, to see if we were ok.  It was hugs and love and care from my family towards us.

It was a good day.

We came back here late, and the child was put to bed asleep.  I lay in bed, thinking about Rich, and about how the Year of Firsts is ticking along.  We worked through the Year of Firsts after BG went to the States.  Rich and I got though that together.  He didn't let it damage him, and I won't let his death damage us.  What kind of tribute would that be to an amazingly strong, brave and wonderful man, who loves me, loves AC and BG, put our needs before his own, and cherished every single day?