Friday, December 31, 2010

It's heading towards the end of the year....

.... again.

I don't remember a lot of last year.  Or early this year.

Tomorrow it's a new year.  Tomorrow it's 2011.  Tomorrow I can no longer say that Rich was killed last year.  It's a further distancing from the Event.  It is 76 weeks today.  Time is passing.

Is time healing?

I don't know.  In some ways, yes it is.  It is easier to go about my daily task as the numbness settles in to stay about it all.  I can talk about him without crying, I can listen to our music without a complete snot-fest, I still find going to the KSW dojo really, really, hard, but I can do it now, where I couldn't before.

I have moved to a new relationship - J and I are happier by the day, AC and he are deeply enjoying being around each other and as a family we are good together.  I could not have imagined that at this point last year.  I've just looked and I can see the shiny front I was putting up, and the cracks that were all over it that my loving friends either ignored for as long as I wanted them too, or filled in with tea and biscuits and hugs until they were whole again.

I have forgiven I-t-B for his behaviour.  He took Rich's ashes and fled to where he lives, despite having told me the afternoon before we would collect them together and dispose of them together.  He then left on holiday for a while, abandoning the ashes in his house.  On his return, he scattered them somewhere.  He said it was Glastonbury Tor, something which made me laugh in a way, as Rich disliked Glastonbury

More later.  I feel a review of the year coming on.....  Well.  As much of it as I can remember!

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Oh my word

The AC's dad is off on one again.

He's going away for the weekend with his latest squeeze.  Am I bothered he has a girlfriend? Ummmm. No.  I was very happy with Rich, I am very happy with J, and if he and the She-Ex had partners life would have been then, and would be now, much nicer for all of us.

I sent back a joking text saying that I was glad his finances had sorted themselves out a bit, and I would look forward to seeing that reflected in the AC's maintainance. Rich never ever shorted the BG, J never shorts T-boy, but the He-Ex feels it is fine to short us all the time, and because I feel sorry for him, I let him get away with it.

I'm in the middle of working out the AC's running costs (outside of the house) for his father just so he can see how much it costs, financially, to maintain this particular child.  J would never ever see the AC go without, and we have been very fortunate, AC and I, in that his stepfathers love him without question and without measure and that he loves them the same way.

Can I pick good men?  Does the Lord provide them?  I know what I think.......


He's gone off on one and I am the Queen of Evil, demanding money from him blah blah blah.

I have never been like that.  I have never wanted to be like that.  I have worked so hard *not* to be part of the nasty Ex-Wife community, because I am not like those people.  I would never use the child as a pawn, like some mothers do, or demand extra money, or withhold pictures, or not let my child see his or her father, or speak to them or whatever.  I busted my backside to make sure that BG got her money, even when her mother was being the nastiest piece of work I had ever had the misfortune to come across.  Her father and I wrote the blog up every week for her.  We wrote to her via one of her teachers, because her teacher gave more of a damn than her mother did about that poor little scrap.  She's not even my child!  Rich turned down a great job to stay around here so that the AC could see his father regularly as he did then.  Rich took time off work when the AC was ill, he cherished that child, and there were a lot of people who didn't know that they weren't related in the usual manner.

I refuse to be part of the nasty.  I will not join in the Evil Fraternity of Ex-Wives, determined to punish their ex-husband for perceived slights.  I have enough reason to be nasty, but I won't. I won't. I won't.

Robert Fulgrum (Author of Everything I needed to know in Life I learned in Kindergarten) once said

“Peace is not something you wish for; It's something you make, Something you do, Something you are, And something you give away.”

And so that's what I'm going to do.  I'm going to make peace with him, think about how we can maintain it, be peaceful to him, and hopefully he'll gain peace from that.

I can hope.

Time to make a ToDo list......

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Catching up with Christmas

Right, I'm sitting on the floor, typing on my laptop which has suddenly decided it can do internet after all (phew!) and watching Kimora, Life in the Fab Lane.  It's on all day.  I like that.  It's escapism at it's best!

Christmas Day was fabulous.  We were at J's mum and dad's and it was lovely.  Very quiet, just them, us, and the two boys (after we picked T-boy up)  AC was very impressed with his helicopter from J and I, and it hasn't been out of his sight since.  He's taken it to his fathers today.

We came back here on Boxing Day, (or Christmas Sunday, depending on your view of these things!) and had a quiet afternoon, J, AC and I, watching a couple of films, and making lego models and so on.

Yesterday we went to Hannah and Alan's for the Big Family Get Together.  It was brilliant.  We are so great at being together LOL!  We chilled, we ate too much, we swapped presents, we chatted, we ran the Baja, we flew heli's, we just had a great time being together.

Today, AC went to his father's at 9am, and will be home 1230 tomorrow.  We're going to the pictures to see Gulliver's Travels in 3D, just he and I.  It's going to be nice to have some just us time.  We'll probably get a hot chocolate and cake afterwards, and chat, and just connect again after a deeply hard time in the week before Christmas.  Emotionally the boy was tired, I was tired, and we both just needed that quiet time together.  But we had T-boy, who does *not* do quiet lol!

ah well.

I have work to do........

Friday, December 24, 2010

Just look


How awesome is this.  Rich is so proud, according to the AC, and I'm with the AC on this one.  She looks gorgeous, and is a fitting tribute to a real hero of a man.

I've put it on my FB, I've emailed I-t-B about it, and I've written it onto BG's blog.  I won't email her mother though - I'm sure they look at the blog regularly anyway......... ;-)

It's just so excellent.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Twas the morning before....

.... the night before..... Christmas and all through this house,
not a creature is stirring, (the cat ate the mouse.)
No stockings are set by the chimney with care,
because there's every chance that we won't be there.

The child is nestled still snug in his bed
Whilst visions of helicopters fly through his head.
And J in his duvet is still having his sleep
Whilst I have a long list of "to do" to keep.

All over the country arose such a snow
That kept them all in, with nowhere to go
There is nothing here though to stop our travelling
And so I sit with my mind unravelling.....

Anyway, I could carry on like this for hours, because this poem is quite good, quite easy to pick the rhythm up from and simple to copy, but to be frank, I don't have the time.

Today we need to find space for the tree, put up, decorate and stack presents under said tree.  I need to do Christmas shopping for a variety of people, including the two boys that I have with me.  This will include wrapping paper and stocking fillers.  I have to prepare a meal for tonight for a guest, which I suspect that T-boy will refuse to eat, so I have to make something for him. (Against my better judgement) I have to tidy, wash up, wash clothes, think about packing for Friday, wrap presents, and write cards.  We need to decide if we are going to go to Leamington for Christmas or if we are staying here because of the weather.  We have no snow.  Nothing.  De nada.  Other places have 10 inches.

Oh, and I would like to make biscuits etc as presents for people as well.

A brief update of My Life Since Friday.

Last day of term, also a 17th, also Christmas performance, also Life Being Tiring, also a partly (ice based) interesting drive to Leamington to collect T-boy and staying overnight with J's parents.  Who are Lovely.

Drive back to here, food shopping, working, sleeping, Baja Bug building.

Baja bug building, over sleeping, dinner making

Card making, tidying, grumbling T-boy (about everything!) patient AC, router no longer wireless for reasons best known to itself

Washing machine fountain (not in a good way) pipes frozen, Dad to Save The Day, T-boy difficult, less patient AC big computer plugged back in, I unfreeze all pipes except the washing machine one which is an Odd Shape.


Dad to finish Saving The Day, T-boy absurdly difficult at lunchtime, AC not patient at all, me not patient at all, Mother to Save The Day, extra children in the afternoon to distract all of us, deep breaths all round, T-boy angry because he can't have same snack as the others (he didn't eat his lunch at all - should be cheerful he got ANY snack!) supplied tea I knew he would eat and all went flying in the evening.



And over all of this is the Solstice, which was Rich's Celebration of this time of year, and I miss him.  But I have decided I will probably send the DC after Christmas if she asks again.  I can be the bigger person.  Metaphorically speaking.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Last day of term

Today is the last day of term. I don't like last days of term, generally, as a rule, mostly, kinda. I want the holidays, because I want to spend proper time with my beloved child. We have a lot to do as well! We have biscuits to make, and decorations to make, and a tree to get and decorate, and a cake to do, and presents to wrap, and all that kind of thing. We're going to a Carol concert in town, and grandparents to see and Things To Do.

We are going to be busy. Busy is good.

But there is a joy to share as well. On Wednesday night we went indoor flying. My son learnt to fly a helicopter with J. They sat together and when the AC managed it and swiftly picked it up to fly forward and backwards right and left hand circuits, J was so proud - almost as proud as AC was of himself.

The last night they started building a baja bug together (YouTube it!) and it will be a long and complicated job, but to see them planning something together was a joy to behold. We are so blessed to have had two men to raise the boy who love him so dearly, whoare sch good fathers.

It is sad in some ways, because their own children didn't have the benefit of their brilliant parenting. But that was the choice to their respective mothers, not mine and the AC. We just got lucky.....

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

The slipping of the game face

Today my game face slipped.

At the class party. Bad timing.  The timing couldn’t have been worse.  90 children, and all I want to do is cry.




Because I love my son.  Because he wants Rich back for Christmas so badly, that when the vicar was in, playing and singing Rudolf the RedNose Reindeer with the same gusto and enthusiasm that Rich used to, with hand actions, and Sam couldn’t manage that.  He cried.  His head ached, his mind overblew, and he melted, quietly, emotionally, miserably, exhaustedly into a puddle of sobbing child.  He was sitting a few rows in front of me and every part of my mother heart wanted to go to him, but instead, I signed to his teacher that he was crying (got to love Makaton sign language) and she was able to relay that sign to a TA, who picked the AC up and guided him over to his teacher.  She sat him on her lap, cuddled him, let him cry it out, then found him a job to do.  He played the CD whilst the rest of them did pass the parcel. He was happier.  My baby is too old in his heart for childish games some days.

I let go, just a little bit today, of the burden that I have held since Rich died.  I let the boy go just a little.  I realised that it wasn’t just me that could salve his heart, and that I could trust other people to care for my child in the same way that I would. 

I love him.  We are both still hurting so much, and it feels like it will never go away.

And yet, my resilient child is able to love again, as I am, but to love and to trust and to believe that J will always be there for him, the way he believed that Rich would always be there for him.  In fact, the way he believes that Rich *will* always be there for him.

Time to adjust the sellotape around the edge of the game face, and go out again.


*Mwah* darlinks……..

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Brain dump

I’m in a brain dumping kind of mood.


I feel like I’m overflowing with thoughts that, if I don’t exorcise them now, will cause my brain to explode.  I know some of this is due to ongoing issues with my broadband, currently working at 8kps.  Mmmm.  8.

I don’t really know where to start though.  I’m irritated that the lack of broadband is bothering me so much.  Why do I need the internet so much?  What do I do on it everyday?

Ok, so I get up, make a brew and check Fb and my mail, and then a couple of bloggy things, and then I try and write on my blog, and then I get the stuff sorted for school, then I get sorted and go.


And suddenly I’m tired, too tired for this.  Just too tired.  Sofa is calling.  Back soon.

Monday, December 13, 2010

First day back......

It's the first day back for me today.  Again.  I've never had this much time off sick on one term, (I would say 1 year, but chicken pox was 2 weeks - chicken pox!  At 34!)  and so we're back this morning.

I'm not desperate to be back.

It's end of term this week.  This Friday.  Which falls on a 17th.  Nice.  Which is, for those of us who cannot help but count, 74 weeks, or 17 months.  Lovely.

On the other hand.  (and please people, let us look at the other hand ;-) for after all I am being *so* brave.........) On the other hand it will be another month that J and I have been together.

That's a good thing.

I will find that silver lining.  I will.

Work peoples.

Sunday, December 12, 2010


So on Friday afternoon I had a FB message to say an Internet friend of mine, who I've met a couple of times but known on the net for 12 years, was dying.

On Friday night, late, her life support was switched off.  She has 2 daughters in their older teens.

I know I've moaned on about being ill, and had a massive moan about the She-Ex being rude, and I'll be honest, the burning chest part of me is really painful at the moment and making me decidedly short tempered, but it's nothing to what these girls are going through.  Nothing.  She's been ill for a long time, whereas we didn't have to watch Rich die slowly, there was no life support - not that I would have been allowed to turn it off for him anyway.  I'm not his next of kin.  The She-Ex would have had that right, and she would have left him alive for as long as possible, just to see us suffer as some kind of revenge.  She wouldn't have come over and seen him - she didn't even let his daughter come to his Celebrations.  But she would have known he was suffering and enjoyed it.  I know his injuries, where she didn't, and still doesn't, and I'd have pulled the plug in a heartbeat.  At least, I hope I would have been strong enough.

But these girls had to make that choice.  Poor loves.  Please pray for them as they start the rest of their lives, effectively orphaned.  And phone your mothers, to tell them you love them.

Friday, December 10, 2010

And now we're chilling....


I'm still home, still ill, although I have managed to do the dishwasher and the washing machine - then had to go and sit down for 30 mins, then get up and clean half the kitchen - then go and sit down for 30 mins.  I have pulled my stomach muscles from coughing so much, and I can't even lift anything to put the bin bag out.

This is somewhat ridiculous.

I am not good at being ill.

On the other hand, I have a letter from the doc about going to see the orthopaedic team, which has to be a good thing. I even get to choose when lol!

Right, I have to get a shuffle on as I've got some serious relaxing and getting better to do - we've got the whole of the Christmas shopping to do tomorrow as well!


I found this in my comments box today.

I don't know why you aren't getting my messages.please, can we have the death certificate? Please?

It had her address on it as well, but I'm not putting that up here, because I'm not that unkind, and I *am* fully aware of cybersecurity.

So then I had a look in my inbox.  And then in the spam box.  And then in the Lori file.

I found these.


I have to ask this again

please can i have richards death certificate?

you promised it over a year ago.

and I need it

my address is 

Lori Hannis

(address removed)
Thank you




Yet again. because some how I don't think you got the last email. I'll send it from this one

I really need Richards death certificate, it would be really nice of you to send it, please.

Our address, again.

(address removed)

Thank you


I'm sure we can all see the interest in how the AC and I are, the information about how BG is, and all that kind of thing.  No?  No.  Me neither.

And actually, this is what she said about the Death Certificate

btw, don't worry about the death certificate...
Ian is getting me one, hold on to the precious thing, for what ever reason you are with holding it"

So suddenly, I have to jump because she says?  She's been like this for 5 years, and I've had enough.  I have no idea why she wants it, and to be honest, I'm not interested.  My only interest is the BG, and as the last time I heard from Lori it was to be told that AC and I were nothing to her

in fact "You and Sam, no longer have any reason to be in contact with her.

Step families, don't count.

ANd that's all you ever were to her.

She will be told you and Richard were planning on taking her away from me.

That you two were planning on filing her head full of tons of lies about me.

She will be told all of that.

So while you are having fun planning and living your life.

Remember that.

all you two ever did was hurt her."

And now I have to do what she says?  Whilst *I* am still sorting out DVLA, and Barclaycard, and debts from when she and he were together (the milkman one still makes me laugh - how the heck does *anyone* get in debt to the milkman!) and she is swanning around as the poor defenceless widow?  She gets the dependants allowance - the AC gets nothing.  That's fine by me - I don't need charity to take care of the child I *chose* to have.  But I'm sorry, if she thinks I will leap to her bidding just because she wants something, she can whistle.

I might send it.  When I'm good and ready.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Home. Ill.

And that's all I want to say about that.


And daytime TV is rubbish.  What is Maury Povitch on?  How on earth do they make this rubbish as an example of how great America is?  Really?


And that is now, *all* I want to say about that.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010


...... one voice.

Totally gone.

Hmmm.  I can't phone in sick to work - Sue would never hear me, and would think I was a heavy breathing pervert.  I also feel fairly ok, or at least I will do once I've showered and eaten.  I'm not sure how contagious I am - I must have got it from some child anyway lol!

I'll just do a lot of ActivPrimary stuff I think, and we'll see what happens.  At least I can arrange with Sue to text in tomorrow and she'll know it's for real lol!

And yes, I'm lol-ling.  I find it funny when I don't have a voice.  Once the sore throat has stopped, obviously.

In other news, I logged onto Yahoo messenger for the first time in a long time yesterday.  The AC and I changed the clothes of my avatar.  (That was why we'd logged on in the first place!)  The She-Ex was on.  I almost messaged her to ask how she was, how BG was, but I didn't.  I thought she might be nasty, not wanting anything to do with me as she said so, so clearly.  I didn't want the AC to see it - he still talks about her and BG, still includes them when he prays, (although the deity he prays to varies, depending on whether he is a druid today or not!) and so I didn't want to shatter that for him.  The She-Ex has been so horrible about him in the past, and I didn't want to take the chance.  I hope they are well though, and planning a glorious Christmas.

What else?  Not a lot really.  I did some 1-1 tutoring, and if you've got children you might like Count On, which is really useful for maths games.

Tesco delivered last night.  Apparently ASDA will deliver to here now - I must check that out.  Anyway, it's almost ten to 7, so I'd best shake myself and turn off Torchwood before the AC comes down!

Laters people.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

The voice.....

..... is a bit there and not there this morning.  This is not a good thing.

However, I've only got to teach this morning, and one of the hours we'll be swimming for, so it's not a heavy load today.  I do have 1-1 Tutoring tonight though.  The nice thing is that I know now that it is about £20 an hour take home, so that's what I need to think about.  Tonight's child is a lovely child, (as is my Friday child!) but he has no interest in being in Tutoring, and is just doing it because his mother wants him to.

J was at the model shop until 10pm last night, with Christmas coming up it's so busy for them.  I did some work but couldn't concentrate so didn't do very much at all really.  Bad form there!  I will do more tonight.

Mary and Joseph were painted yesterday, as was the background, and look lovely, although  massive, and quite how they are going up on the wall I'm not quite sure, but we'll think of something.

My knee is getting worse now, and I actually can't put any weight on it if I've been sitting down.  It eases up within a minute though, so that's fine.  I should have an orthopaedic surgeons appointment later in the month, and that'll get it fixed.

Oh and we also had a phonics staff meeting yesterday, and I was told by the consultant that I could happily carry on doing what we were doing, and not have to follow Letters and Sounds to the absolute ... letter I suppose!  Anyway, I am a happy lady, because now I can a) adapt my teaching so that it meets the need of the child (concept!) and b) I like being right.  I know.  But really?  Who doesn't!  I have not been smug about it though, I'm just getting on with it.

Laters peoples.  I have to shake my tail into the shower.

Monday, December 6, 2010

I are POOOOOORLY and do not want to go school.

But my mum won't write me a note.


She says that it's just a cold and I'll be fine. :-(

and she says I'm 35 and should just be getting on with it lol!

The child has told me to "Man Up Mummy!"

The man has told me I should have the day off school and I should spend the whole day in bed.  With him....

Nobody is taking my pooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrlllllllllllyyyyyyy cold seriously.

Least of all me!

However, I did make some fabulous soup last night, in about 15 minutes.

I slightly fried 1 tsp of minced garlic (from a jar - I know, how lazy!) and 2 tsp of lime pickle. (yes, the hot stuff from the Indian restaurant.)  Then I tipped in a tin of chopped tomatoes and a box of chopped tomatoes and chilli.  Then I added a few more shakes of chilli powder, some Worcestershire sauce, some sugar and heated it all through, blitzed it with the stick blender and slurped it down.  The man had seconds, which as he doesn't like tomato soup is something of a miracle.  The boy was already having fish fingers and beans for his tea, which turned out to be fish finger surprise tea.  The surprise was that they were chicken dippers (makes mental note to label bags more clearly! Or even just label them at all....) but like the good child he is he did try it.  His eyes ran, and he drank a half pint of water, but he was ok!  He did say he'd wait a few months before trying it again.

Anyway, considering I thought we had not a lot of food in, tea was lovely!

However, I *am* still poorly and I do not want to go to school. (I'm going though, because I am not a lazy person by nature!)

Just so we are clear about this.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Fabulous night, grotty morning.

Yesterday and last night were brilliant.  We shopped, J bought me a dress for the evening.

I do not look like this.  This is not me.  However, Julien Macdonald, who is a notoriously stingy-with-material-designer designed this utterly fitted dress.  Utterly fitted.  And I have to say that I saw myself in the ladies loos at this fabulous hotel (and they had fabulous loos!) where we were having a gorgeous meal with great people from J's work, and I thought, "You're 35, nearly 36, and you are looking ok."  Then I went into the big room again, and J put his arm around me, told me he'd missed me, and that I looked stunning.  I believed him!  Usually I think "Oh they're just saying that." but yeah, I was there for that!

Anyway, I have to do the notices and I feel like the European snot fountain.  Cartainly not as attractive as I felt last night!  Laters people.

Fabulous night, grotty morning.

Yesterday and last night were brilliant.  We shopped, J bought me a dress for the evening.

I do not look like this.  This is not me.  However, Julien Macdonald, who is a notoriously stingy-with-material-designer designed this utterly fitted dress.  Utterly fitted.  And I have to say that I saw myself in the ladies loos at this fabulous hotel (and they had fabulous loos!) where we were having a gorgeous meal with great people from J's work, and I thought, "You're 35, nearly 36, and you are looking ok."  Then I went into the big room again, and J put his arm around me, told me he'd missed me, and that I looked stunning.  I believed him!  Usually I think "Oh they're just saying that." but yeah, I was there for that!

Anyway, I have to do the notices and I feel like the European snot fountain.  Cartainly not as attractive as I felt last night!  Laters people.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Cold, conspiracy, confontation

It would appear that everywhere else in the country is trapped by snow.  Schools are closing, trains are at a standstill, airports are closed.  Here?


Here there is a light dusting, enough to be pretty, enough to be slippery, enough to excite the children without allowing them the outlet of actually doing anything with it!  We are fortunate in many ways not to have the snow, especially as we had it so badly at the start of the year.

However it is cold.  -3 for playground duty yesterday.  I still took the children out - it's cold, but not killing cold for healthy children lol!

And then there is the football.  2018 World Cup has gone to Russia.  Putin didn't even turn up, where England's bid was presented by royalty and very high government.  However, even though the Russian stadia are not built yet, and the transport between games could be up to 1000 miles, that's where the cup will be.  Bribery and mafia connections have been denied, but will be investigated.  Really?  I think we can predict what the investigation will find - nothing.  It won't be allowed to find anything.

The last part of the title was confrontation.

It's facebook based, and, in my opinion, incredibly petty.  Someone put on their wall that they didn't see why the students should be rioting and setting fire to things.  I argued the case that students have been told for years to work hard and so on, and now can't afford to go to University, and feel cheated, not only that but Scotland and Wales now get their fees funded, and England faces a massive hike in fees.

Yesterday morning she had deleted me as a friend.  Now to be honest, she was a work colleague who doesn't work at our place anymore, so it's not a great loss.  It just amazed me that she couldn't cope with a difference of opinion.  We all have opinions, and they are different.  If we all thought the same the world would be a dull place indeed!  However, the inability of some people to even consider that others might think differently is something that saddens me, as from people like that come wars.  Now I'm not saying that this person is about to invade Norfolk or whatever (she's snowed in anyway, so she couldn't if she tried!) but the point is that the utter inability to deal with another view point is dangerous.

And don't get me started on the Wikileaks that the US think the UK troops did such a poor job in Helmland.  Fine.  Bring all our boys and girls home.  Your Mr Bush made this mess.  You sort it out.

Thursday, December 2, 2010


"The best town to date in return a holiday is in my conception Greece. Unspoilt beaches, unscarred branch water, likable people and ofcourse plenty of historical remains is verything you requirement to procure some unforgetable time. Over, prices are ok and the comestibles is exceedingly tasty!"

I got this comment on my post yesterday. Obviously it's spam, and I've not put the website address into this post for obvious reasons.

And I got this comment yesterday.

"I say send it and rest in the fact that you did the right thing! You will be blessed of that I am sure. I love how pure your motives are and God sees that as well. ((((hugs))))

Both of these comments picked me up after a difficult conversation yesterday, with someone that Rich and Lori owed money to, nothing to do with me, and who wanted to speak to someone who could tell them what was going on. I've been left to deal with it all. I haven't heard from Ian for a very long time, and the same for the She-Ex. Last I heard she was claiming the "Forces widow" label, with a side order of "My husband was killed".  I've packaged up the DC for them to send today, with a letter confirming dates and so on, and the fact that, as we weren't married, I have no legal or financial or moral responsibility for the debt, the last known address of Lori is  blah blah blah. (no, not putting it here lol!)

However, I think Penny is right. I think I send the calendar to the address I have and if she gets it, she gets it. If she doesn't, she doesn't. I won't know if she does or not anyway lol!  I will put it in God's hands, and trust Him to take care of her.  I don't know if my motives are always as pure as they should be.  I try hard, but sometimes I can feel the urge to be unkind, to let my feelings out.  Sometimes I do on here, sometimes I keep them in my head.  I know she's a nice person to the rest of the world, it's just me lol!  And that's ok.  one day we'll forgive each other, and BG will know all about her father.

The first comment though, was amazingly funny.  I mean, feel free to spam if that's how you make your living, but seriously, spell it properly, use proper syntax, and check what the words mean!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Advent Calendars

Yesterday I went out and bought my 15 Advent Calendars this year.

It started when I had the boy.  Of course the AC needed a calendar.  I love him!

Then we had BG between us, so I always sent her an Advent Calendar, and card making things and bits.  (We never did have a card she'd "made" or anything like that.  Oh, the first year we had a piece of scribbled on A4 paper stuck to some green card.)

Then I became Godmother to the Most Beautiful Twin Girls in the World.  They needed Advent Calendars.  And I love them.

Then I became Godmother to the Most Handsome Twin Boys in the World.  Technically I am only Godmother to one of them, but I have God-adopted the other twin.  I love their mother too much to only send one child an Advent Calendar.  And they had an older brother, so he had one.  And now they have a little sister, so she has one.  And I love them all.

Then I became Godmother to Lilly-bear, my brothers youngest daughter, and the spitting image of my grandmother.  This year, for the first time, she has an Advent Calendar.  And because I love their parents so much, I have bought them for the older children as well, who are 6 and 4 and will not understand why the 18month old has one and they don't. And I love them all.

Then I became Godmother to Lily, (check the spelling to make sure I have them the right way around!) who is Rich's best friends daughter, born after his death, although he knew that if the child was a boy, the parents wanted to call him Richard.  He was so amazed and proud when he was told that.  And Lily has an older sister, also who may not understand, and so she has one too.  Lily gave me hope and a glimpse into the future, into the fact that there was a future, at a time when I didn't believe in one anymore.  I was asked to be her Godmother when I had literally just returned from the inquest an hour before, and I held her, and P asked me, so that if I said no, I had to say it to her face.  Of course I didn't - Godmotherhood is an honour and a privilege.

Last year I sent them to I-t-B's boys as well.  I don't want to upset him, so I didn't get them one this year, but I want to.

I also got one for T-boy and J as well.  J was really pleased! (T-boy doesn't know yet!)

I have the envelopes already to post.  The parents know I will text when they are on their way.  The snow may present some issues, but I'm sure the children will enjoy catching up on their calendars!

It's just BG's one, that sits on my kitchen side.  I don't know if to send it.  Where to send it.  I could use their last known address, but would she even get it if I did send it?  Somehow I doubt it.

I bought it anyway, because I love her.

All of these children are special and amazing and beautiful in their own ways.  They have all given me much more than I could ever give them.  I am, once more, the luckiest person.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Growing up.....

My baby.......

.....grew up........


got a silver for techniques at the National Kuk Sool Won Championships.  Yeah!

He was very proud, and it was presented in assembly.

And I got a haircut.  I think I like it.  I'm not sure at the moment.

But I'm prouder of the boy.  He was so sick on Tuesday, could barely stand on Wednesday, and won National level silver on the Saturday!  That, my friends, is manning up like an armourer does it.  Takes after his stepfathers....

Monday, November 29, 2010

Writing prompt - I don't remember

I don't remember a time when I couldn't read.  When the black marks on the page meant nothing.  When I couldn't escape from this world to another, full of hope and opportunity and dragons.  When I couldn't find something out by myself, or make something new just by reading the instructions of a recipe.

I don't remember what I did before I had the AC.  What did I do with all that time?  Where did I go?  How was my life anywhere near as good as it was after his birth?  How did I manage without his cuddles, his kisses, his spontaneous I love you's?

I don't remember last Christmas, I don't know where we went or what we did.  I know what I got the AC - it's there in the corner of the room - but I don't remember who we shared Christmas with.  Or New Year.  Or much about last year at all.  I just don't remember.

I don't remember how bad life felt before J.  I refuse to remember how it felt to go to bed on my own, night after night.  I refuse to dwell on the pain, on that first feeling in the morning when there is every chance it is all some horrendous dream and Rich is downstairs asleep on the sofa, and how it felt when the crashing realisation hit me that he wasn't.  I don't remember the pain of I-t-B scattering his ashes somewhere.  Anywhere.  I refuse to live with that pain, and so I *won't* remember.

These days, I don't remember to do the things I've said I will, or to do the ordinary things of life, although that is getting better, slowly.  Life is full of memories, and of not memories.  Of what I choose to remember, of what I choose to forget, of what I forget by myself, of what my brain chooses to forget to spare me the pain.

I look at the sleeping child, and I wonder what he remembers.  What he will remember when he is bigger.

And I remember that today is 500 days since Rich died.

I remember.

Sunday, November 28, 2010


It's early morning ish here, and I definitely feel pensive.  Full of thought.  Full of last year.  Full of inquest hearing. It's Rich's wedding anniversary today as well (I think) and I'm glad he doesn't have to go through another one.  See, there are good things, if I look for them hard enough.  He's spared so much pain now.

I need to shake this feeling and get on.  I have to do the notices for church, and take the stars to church to put up.  And work out how I'm going to put them up, but that's a different story - I'll post a picture from church to show the finished article.

I need to print off some letters at school (must get new wireless printer thingy - maybe web wireless printer thingy!) for DVLA, and Uni Birmingham and people like that.  Point out to DVLA that yes, he's still dead and they can feel free to fine him £80 instead of £40, but he isn't going to pay it and he isn't going to tax the car.  Or the bike.  Mmmm.  They got a piece of my mind when they asked about him taxing the bike.  I had already told them 4 times he was killed on 17/07/09.

Speaking of which, tomorrow is 500 days since he died.  Nobody will know or care except me.  I won't even tell the AC or J, but I'll know.

Maybe that's why I'm pensive.

Who knows.

Right.  Things to do, places to go, stars to hang!

Laters people.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Happy thanksgiving!

Today we are out for Thanksgiving with some American friends of ours.  It'll be great, like it usually is, although the AC and I have been off school as he has had a tummy bug - he was sick Tuesday but still not allowed back yet.

As always though, I'm caught in a dilemma.  I always sent BG a Thanksgiving card from all of us, just like I always sent her advent calendar and cards.  This year, I have no idea where she is, or what she's doing, or how she is.

Happy Thanksgiving Princess.  We love you.

Monday, November 22, 2010


Tired today and I've slept loads, but the last two nights I've had some very vivid dreams.  Nothing bad, just ones with lots of hard work in them.

I've got to take choir out today, to go and do singing for the elderly at a special lunch in town.  They are nearly ready, but not quite.  Oh well.  They'll be fine.....

The weekend was good.  Kinda.  Away weekends are never going to be easy.  However, next time we have the boys we're going to the Christmas do, so that'll be fun!

And I have to shower, because I smell.  Again, away weekends are not good.

Friday, November 19, 2010

It's not you, it's me.

PUDSEY! Hurrah! Children in Need day! YAY!

Just what we need after the emotional ups and downs of last week.  Sher was round last night and it was good.  AC thinks she's lovely, J obviously likes her (she's his friend lol!) and I'm ok with her.  Initially I didn't like her, but I'm trying to put that aside and look for her good qualities. She has them.  I just have to find them and cherish them, more than the fact her language and attitudes are crude.

Maybe I'm a prude.  Maybe that's where the problem is.  Maybe all along, it's been my expectations that have made it difficult with the She Ex, and with the He Ex, and with Sher.  I expect good manners and polite company around children, and acceptance of life, and children first.  Always, always children first.  The selfishness of some parents who are unable to do that, and the concious and subconscious trauma that they put the children through, which has far reaching effects into their futures, well, that attitude just drives me mad.

Yesterday I had three sets of tears, from three different children, about issues which, clearly, I'm not going into on here.  These children are going through hell, and only one of the parents involved actually gives a damn, and I know why, and I applaud her for it.  

I know I've been criticised for the fact that the AC always comes first, always.  Regardless.  I know that we are so blessed that we have J in our lives and that I am incredibly blessed that he and the AC get on so, so well.  He puts the AC first as well, but obviously he has to put T-boy first when we are all together.  He knew I wanted that, and expected that when we were together that's what would happen.  He hasn't let me down like that.

But maybe it's not the right way.  I keep being told "You should put you first"  "Make time for you" "What do *you* want out of life?"  and if I was doing things the right way, then the world wouldn't say that.  But then do I care what the world thinks?  I don't know.  Part of me does - I mean, I'm writing this to try and think it through, and I know that there are people out there who read it and make comments, and so that matters.  Part of me looks at how settled my son is, even through everything, and thinks that I clearly am doing things the right way, that preparing him for change is good, that putting him first matters and improves him.

Oh I don't know. *laughs and shrugs*  In the big scheme of things it doesn't matter I expect.  Maybe I should lower my expectations for the people mentioned above lol!

Maybe I think too much.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Busy busy busy!

Well, the AC and I are starting to come out of the emotional nightmare that was the Remembrance days.  I cannot explain the pain, the need to let it out, the times I found myself balled on a chair, sobbing because my heart was broken.  Perhaps last year was such a numbness, that this year is the feeling of it.  It's fading now again, but that's the way it is.  Time is a great healer......... so they say.

There's a lot more to say about today - Sher is coming over for tea and J is cooking (I'm loving being looked after!) and so life is busy.  Tomorrow we'll be off to go and see T-boy, and AC will come with us, and I'll be looked after at J's mum's house (because she is adorable)

I have a thousand tonnes of work to do, but I'm just taking Uni work with me to there, because I need to get that caught up, although looking at it I know a lot is 'net based, so maybe I won't.

Maybe I'll just take a break this weekend, and work my backside off the following week.

How busy is your world?  I might even find time for a stooge around the net and find out!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Just keep on keeping on.

Today, a friend of mine wakes up without her mother.

I got the message last night to ask me to phone my mother, on her behalf, and let her know.  She wants my mother to perform the funeral.  We've known that bit for a couple of weeks, and it was a relief for my friends mother to know that my  mother had said yes, that her Celebration was in safe hands.

Today, another friend of mine buries his grandfather.  His daughter is asleep upstairs, his son and daughter will be coming back to ours for tea tonight.  Again, it was a long and painful illness that left a strong proud man as a gibbering husk.

Today, Wootton Bassett will stand still yet again, as a boy comes home in the flag draped coffin of the military dead.  Another girlfriend will cry, another set of parents and siblings will stand, stiff-lipped.

Today is 1 year and 22 days since Rich died.  1 year and 21 days since I woke up without him for the first time. 1 year and 21 days since the AC slept at someone else's house for the first time.  1 year and 105 days since I stood, stiff-lipped, the AC's small hand in mine, watching as 6 of the truest friends a man could ever have received his flag draped coffin and bore him with pride into his Celebration.

I couldn't imagine being at this point.  I couldn't imagine what I was doing the next day, let alone over a year and 4 months later.  I couldn't imagine what we were eating, let alone the idea of loving and living and working in the way that we are.  I want to reach out to these people, to tell them that they can do this, to tell them to keep on keeping on, that it will happen for them.

There is no point though.  They won't want to hear the platitudes any more than I did.  The mere words that "Time is a great healer" or whatever just made me want to thump someone.

All I wanted, was him to walk in the door.

But I kept on, keeping on, I keep on, keeping on, secure in the knowledge, as these people who start the rest of their lives today are also secure, that the man I love died full of love, that I couldn't have made him happier,  and that, to paraphrase Wu Han, whilst we had many great adventures together, into the great unknown mystery, he went first.

I'm now at the stage where I can thank him for the adventure, and go and have one of my own. It doesn't mean I don't miss him, or cry for him, or want him to walk in - he was my best ever friend as well as my lover after all - but it means I can celebrate his life with love and laughter, and not be a bitter and twisted woman, spending my life trying to cause those around me as much pain as I'm in.  That would be selfish and stupid, and I love him, the AC, J, my parents, my Godchildren, my friends, too much to turn into that.

I choose to *live* my life, because he loves me.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Remembrance Sunday

Today was Remembrance Sunday.

Today was painful, fulfilling, challenging, loving, tearful, patriotic, emotional, and more.

Today I remembered so much, that, last year I couldn’t remember.

Today I remembered Rich on the phone to BG just before he left for the Afghan. 

I remember seeing him drive away, and praying so damn hard that he’d come back.

I remember lying to him about how much I’d heard from the She-Ex and how many pictures there were. 

I remember the sound of the air-raid warning when we were on the phone, and how he told me not to worry, but he had to go. 

I remember the hope and numbness of just not thinking about it, when I hadn’t heard for 4 days. 

I remember watching the news at 3am when I couldn’t sleep.

I remember the shock of seeing him home 2 days early. Hearing Caroline shouting my name and me telling her I had to get off the phone.  Thinking I was seeing things.  Just seeing him there in his desert kit.



Today I held the hand of a man I’ll never have to pack for, I’ll never have to watch Sky News for, I’ll never have to deal with a vindictive ex-wife for, I’ll never have to see in danger.  I know there are mere boys out there at the moment.  Selfishly, tonight, I’m glad that none of them are mine.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Remembrance Day, 2010

Today we were supposed to be going out to the local War Memorial for the Act of Remembrance.  I was told that my class were not to go, because the weather was too bad.

(Admittedly there were 70mph gusts, and it was raining sideways, but, hey.  Did they not have bad weather in the trenches?)

Instead we watched the service in the hall.  I linked the hall projector into the internet, picked up the British Legion Silence in the Square feed, and watched it.  All 305 children were silent for the 2 minutes. Even the special children.

I wept.

It was the way it was.

And now, I'm exhausted, I'm emotionally drained, I've pretended all day that things are ok.

Tea now.  A large cup, with sugar.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

I don't know what to write.

So why am I writing?

I don't know.  Maybe to see what comes out.

I could always winge on about teacher workload.  However, I did no work last night because we went through the kitchen and binned off lots of stuff.  I mean 5 bin bags of stuff.  Lots of baking trays and saucepans went, lots of out of date food - all bought just after the accident and never eaten, lots of the cookery books are in a pile for Freecycling.

By the time J and I are finished, we will have a massive house together.  Unlike Rich, J is not a hoarder.  I am.  This may lead to problems in the future lol, but right now J is freeing me up to get things out of here that deep down I want out of the house, but further up I want to keep in case they are useful one day.

I know what the problem is though peoples.  I miss BG.  I miss her being on the edge of our thoughts all the time, I miss chatting about her phonecalls with Rich, I miss the pictures that we had, (she's still on our fridge!) I miss her.  I should be helping Rich think about her Christmas box now, I should have her on my Advent Calendar list.  She is special and precious and to lose her as well was a second bereavement.

I know there is the future.  There is the "one day" when I shall be able to tell her about her Daddy, show her where we Celebrated him and (for us)scattered his ashes, I-t-b has denied him a proper grave marker, but I know what I know.  There is the "one day" when I'll explain why I was told to get out of her life, to put my side of the relationship I had with her father, to put his side of the relationship he had with her, and with her mother.

But *today*, right now, I just hope and pray she is safe and happy and growing up to be tall, strong and honest, like him.  That she is open with her feelings, feels secure and understood, is getting on well at school, for all she's a grade behind she just needed love and support and constructive help, that she's coping in the area, and that she is gorgeous and happy.

I will never stop thinking about her and loving her, and we were more than just what her mother said.

You and Sam, no longer have any reason to be in contact with her.

Step families, don't count.

ANd that's all you ever were to her.

She will be told you and Richard were planning on taking her away from me.

That you two were planning on filing her head full of tons of lies about me.

She will be told all of that.

So while you are having fun planning and living your life.

Remember that.

all you two ever did was hurt her.

The AC still thinks of her as a stepsister, and counts her in his prayers when he does them.  But I look at the vitriol that is here, and I don't miss that.  I miss Lori when she was being nice and friendly and chatty and sending photos and so on, but I don't miss the anger and hatred.  I hope she's happier now, and more relaxed and hopefully has a new job that she loves, and is in a new relationship with someone who makes her feel special, like Rich and now J make me feel special.  I doubt she'd believe me if she read this, but that's what I hope for her.

So I did have something to write after all.  I'll leave the heading as it is though.  Time for a shower.

Monday, November 8, 2010

The first day of the rest of HIS life!

Retirement sounds a lot like sleeping.  That’s what I have to say about that lol!

Some of us are not retired, don’t feel very well, are fed up of moaning about the world, and have decided that we are part of the solution, as opposed to being part of the problem for the last few weeks.

is part of what I have been reading and sharing this morning with the Uni group.  I’ve used it in conjunction with Maslow’s hierarchy of needs for the basis for my teaching for a long time, but I’m sharing today.

It explains a lot, to me, about why children who are on the autistic continuum find it so hard to learn – literally,their brain shuts down level by level until they cannot physically learn.

(I’m using My Blog to write and post this from the new Windows update I had, but I’m not sure I’m loving it that much……)

Friday, November 5, 2010

Cats are fabulous

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

And the answers are....

Work Life balance.

This is grim at the moment and heavily work orientated.  However, I have assigned specific times to work, and I'm doing those.  And extra.  Yes, I know, what's the point if I'm going to do extra?  Well, because the children need it.  and children always, ALWAYS come first.

Why we *don't* do Hallowe'en.

See previous post.

Changes in our lives.

J is on his last week of work, and he is then officially retired.  He's not that much older than Rich was, but it's a time of life that we are looking forward to.  Unless you have been the wife at home whilst the man is away being shot at, you cannot understand.  I thought I could prior to Rich going to the Afghan, but I couldn't.  Not until he was actually there.  It was an experience we had to go though twice and would have gone through a lot more, were it not for the accident, but, well.  Eternal rest grant unto him Oh Lord, as a beloved friend prayed for him yesterday.

The Adorable Childs behaviour (n.b. this is good!)

The AC is now cooking independently! Ok, it's just small things like buns and cakes, but it's independent,  He's only 7, I think he's doing ok, lol!  He loves and lives with all his heart and will not be sad for long, although he cried last night at Monsters Inc when we watched it for the first time.  He tells J he loves him every day, at least twice, and is looking forward to J picking him up from school when he's finished work.  And I've had several people tell me recently how lovely he is - strangers as well as friends - that he has lovely manners and attitude and is interesting to talk to, and other nice things.  He is a child of the village, in that he has been raised by me, by his father to some extent, by Rich to a much greater extent, now by J, and he's coming through ok.  Just goes to show that proper preparation for events, proper understanding and talking and acceptance of another persons feelings, does that person a lot of good in the long run.  He could have been a demanding brat by now, and he's gorgeous.

Why isn't blog in the list of words recognised by the dictionary on a blogging website?

Still no answer to this one.

Or blogging.

Or this one.


Mmmmm.  Soup!  I'm after one of those Cuisinaire soup maker whatsits, because I love soup.  To come home, cold and shivery, and to be able to put hot homeade soup on the table for the boys in under 15 minutes (it was frozen!) is one of the delights of my life.

Why ASD is now ASC and how that affects children.

This needs a long answer really, but in the UK, (and I'd be interested in the US perspective) Autistic Spectrum Disorder is now Autistic Spectrum Condition, as there is nothing *wrong* with these children.  Also, we have to refer to a continuum, as opposed to a spectrum.

So those are the short answers.  And I must shake my tail and get moving to the shower.

LAters peoples.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

I'm boring..... Or why I don't do Hallowe'en

Now, this here post is written partly to explain to Hyacynth why I don't do it, and partly to get things on paper.  I find that it clarifies the mind!

I don't do Hallowe'en.  I don't do trick or treating, dressing up as personifications of evil, encouraging children to scare anyone, spiders, devils, ghosts, ghouls, or things that go bump in the night. (well, I do do those, but not on a family blog...... ;-)  )


Well, because in all essence, it's a Pagan festival.  Now before anyone gets on their high horses, I don't do it because of love, and of respect for that festival, out of what it means to true Pagans (as opposed to "Sabrina witches", who play at it to impress others, as Rich always described the She-Ex) This festival, in it's original form, belongs to a faith that I have no part in.  I always enabled Rich to celebrate it, we always had anything he needed in the house, and he appreciated the understanding I had of his faith, and showed his appreciation by understanding my Christian faith.


Well, because trick or treating is a modern, American, dressed up in cuteness, version of begging with threats.  We spend all year saying "Don't speak to strangers, work hard for what you want, stay away from horrible things and don't be mean to other folks."  Until 31st October, and then we say "Throw out the rules!  Knock on the doors of strangers, beg for sweets, dress as something to scare other people, and if you don't get what you want then damage their property - it's fun!"


Well, because I believe that nothing in life is intrinsically evil.  Not spiders, not cobwebs, not worms, not ....... well, just not.  Do I believe that nothing in death is intrinsically evil?  Well, I'm not so sure about that.  I do believe that there are evil forces in the world, and that they are encouraged by this activity, by this doorway into our world that we open for them every year on this date.  I do believe in the Devil, incredibly unPC-Christian that I am.  I do believe that he wants more power in the world.  One of the best books for explaining this is a non-Christian book, a fiction book by Neil Gaiman, called "Good Omens".  It's also one of the funniest things I have ever, ever read, and should be read by everyone.

Mostly though, I don't do Hallowe'en, because it isn't mine to do.  I don't do Eid Al-Fitur, I don't do Hannukah or Sukkot, I don't do Kathina Day, or Diwali, or anything like that.  They are not mine to do.  I don't believe in what they are worshipping.

So there we go!  I know a lot of Christians do do Hallowe'en, and do it in the Pagan sense as opposed to the All Hallows Eve sense of it, and that's up to them.

As for me and my house.....


Laters people...

Monday, November 1, 2010

Things I want to blog about sometime!

Work Life balance.
Why we *don't* do Hallowe'en.
Changes in our lives.
The Adorable Childs behaviour (n.b. this is good!)
Why isn't blog in the list of words recognised by the dictionary on a blogging website?
Or blogging.
Why ASD is now ASC and how that affects children.

But now.....

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Ow. Moan. winge.

Well, I've been to the doctor.

My bloods, which were taken last week, are not good. *shrug* Nothing I can do about that at the moment lol!

My knee requires an ultrasound, as I may have a cyst on the back of the joint, or I may have cartilage problems, or I may have ligament damage, although no one can work out how.  So it's ultrasound, and then maybe surgical team.  REEEEAAAAAALLLLLYYYYYY?  I think not!

I am to strap my knee.

I am required to do a stool sample. (And no, it doesn't mean pictures of backless chairs from my house.)

I am to have more bloods taken in a months time.

I think I am falling apart.......

On the other hand, HURRAH for the National Health Service, which will sort all this for me.

So I'm sitting with my leg up, watching Ray Mears cook limpets on a beach.

And to fill in the gaps, parents evening was not too bad, although the ability of parents to dismiss what they do to their children with their selfish attitudes amazes me still.  Once again, the parents I needed to see didn't come, and the parents I didn't need to see came.

I handed my essay in, (well, sent it in via e-mail) and I am waiting for the result now.

We had a fabulous weekend in Wales with BFF and BFF's man, and my Gorgeous Godaughters.  Utterly fabulous.  Weird in some ways, to be with BFF without Rich, and it was upsetting at times.  Not as upsetting as me trying to understand fashion was for everyone else.  However, I now have a fashionable coat, if a cold bottom!

Ah well my lovely people.  Work calls....

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Parents Evening

I'll be at school until at least 8pm tonight. *yawn* Parents evening *yawn* The parents I want to come won't, the parents who don't need to come will.

Oh, and the He-ex phoned school yesterday to demand copies of letters be sent to him as well.  Although I'd already told him about parents evening, and about the AC representing his school tomorrow in the Area Cross-Country (Yay my academic and physically excellent child!)

And yesterday the Next Door Woman complained our cats were nicking her dogs food.  Well, he's a Jack Russell, he's 11 weeks old, and you're feeding him outside because your children are not yet well behaved enough to not eat dog food.  They are cats.  They will do it just to annoy him I expect.  And he's a yappy little rat on a rope type dog, of the kind that tore my parents cat apart because it was badly trained.  Excuse me for my lack of sympathy.....

Golly I'm mardy today.  Watch out kids...... lol!


Sunday, October 17, 2010

How time flies....

Yesterday J and I hit the 6 month marker in our togetherness.  Today is 15 months since Rich died.  How time flies.

I laughed with J yesterday, about a hundred small things, about everything and nothing.  I shed tears for Rich, as I do on a weekly, some weeks daily, basis.  I will always miss my best friend.  He understood me like no one else ever tried to.  He loved being here with us, and I believe he's still about every now and again.

But 6 months ago, when I was walking on a beachfront in Hunstanton with J, I didn't think we'd go this far, that he'd be living here and we'd be talking about long term things.  I couldn't imagine ever taking such a chance to love someone, to allow my son to love someone, in such a way that his loss would devastate our lives.  But then 15 months ago, at this time (7.43am) I had all I'd ever dreamed of, and so did Rich.  He had a happy family life, we were planning babies, we were going to get married properly, as well as our own Promises, the She-Ex was less of a nightmare but still incredibly self centred but we were learning to live around her in the same way one does around a selfindulgent child.  Less "She's nasty" and more "She can't help it, poor love."  The He-Ex was actually less of a pain in the rear than he is being right now, but it's ok, he's never going to be as bad as she wanted to be.

And I'm sitting here and watching every minute tick by.


How is it that the long bits of time wizz through, but every minute lasts forever?


It just is that way I guess.  I'd never expected to feel like this about anyone one.  I could never have expected pain like the loss of Rich gave me.  But then that's the joy of loving someone that intensely.


I know he loves us.  I know that because of all the little things.  Like his last words to us, probably to anyone, (although he filled up with petrol, so I expect he said thankyou!)


The last moment of our old normal lives.  Him loving his bike, us walking to school.



Thursday, October 14, 2010

Loving the course.

I know it's a lot of work - 200 hours per module, 4 modules this year, but it is so worth it, so interesting, so good.  But I am loving it.

Today I've been sat here, in the early morning, reading about Piaget and Vygostky, all basic stuff really, but all good.

All good.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Early early!

.... and the Birmingham blackboard site appears to be down.  I'll phone in later and find out what is happening, but I've got my assignment questions done, so it's just the writing the paper now *gulp* which will be fine.

I haven't written an essay in a long time though - about 12 years, give or take - and they use Harvard referencing as well, but it's all good, it's all good!  At least I'm doing it, and able to better myself, and make a better life for the AC.  That's what it's all about really.  That and the fact I *want* to know!

Dylan has had a bad shed and is wandering around with half his skin hanging off his back.  He's got a waterbath, so we'll come home tonight and the rest will be gone.  He's a terrible shedder really.  Cassie, Monty and Bernie are ok, but he always leaves a bit on somewhere.  We fed them all last night, but not Dylan - he won't eat whilst he's shedding.  It's a bit grim at times, but it's the nature of the beasts.  Watching Cassie readjust her jaws afterwards is amazingly cool.

We had the last of the StepOn training last night, so now I will have another certificate to say that I am StepOn trained, and can move children when required, but I'm only qualified at low level, nothing complicated.  The TA's are doing all that kind of stuff.

Aside from that, there's nothing interesting going on really!  I'm either working, studying, eating or sleeping.  Although I have decided on my tattoo.  That's going to be cool as well.  Painful, I suspect, but cool.

Laters peoples.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

X factor......

We're away for the weekend again, and it's getting better every time. J's mum and dad are fabulous. The boys are doing really well together, although the ex was a baggage again. I really wanted to say to her "Yes, your man is happier with me. You wanted rid, I picked up the pieces, and now he's happy and you're not. Tough."

She wouldn't listen though I expect. Exes never do lol!

And I'm watching the x-factor. Hence the title.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Thursday, October 7, 2010

It's here!

The modules for my course have arrived!  Cue more excitement and a lot of work and buying books from Amazon.

Yesterdays course was amazing in the morning.  J asked what we had been doing.  Obsessional Behaviour in Autistics and Psychological theories of Autism.  We covered the Theory of Mind, Central Convergence, and Executive Function.  The interesting thing for me was that I could think of different children who would fit each different theory.  It was just so great to be around professionals who were teaching and learning in the same way that I do, about the same things that I do.  Unfortunately it was only a morning, but it was great. )But I had another nosebleed!)

I still have the ongoing itunes battle with J's laptop, but I will win.  I will. *shrug*  It is only a computer after all, not rocket science.

I am going to have to become so much more organised though. This could be a problem.........

gtg - habing another nosebleed.  3 this week so far!  I probably should see the doc soon I think.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

What is going on?

Once again, I am on only a few hours sleep.  This takes my grand total for the week so far up to 13 hrs in 3 nights - not my usual 24!

Ah well.

I'm at a conference this morning on Autistic Spectrum Disorders, Obsessional behaviour and the Psychological impact of ASD.  It's going to be good,but I  may have to turn myself into automatic note taking mode and read them back later to make any sense of it!  But I'll take the netbook, so at least they'll be legible.

The AC is struggling with Rich's death again yesterday - he misses him, and he is angry with the woman that hit him.  Whilst perfectly normal to feel this way, it's hard for him to go through, but he has support and he has love and the confidence to express his feelings, the photographs of the two of them together to look at, his memory box and so on, and he'll get there.  But if you're of a praying sort, please remember him.

Laters people.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Sleep is for the weak.......

Once again my lovelies, sleep is for the week.

Last nights count was 4 hours.  Ish.  Partly it was because we were swapping laptops over again so there was lots of geekingness having to happen.  That involved looking at folders of old photos of Rich and the AC together.  That is always going to hurt because he was a wonderful father to the AC.  Partly it was because I am *still* excited. Partly it is because I don't want to have to go into school today and see Steve, although I'm pretty sure he'll act as though nothing happened. (He was angry with me because he forgot to tell me something that my whole class had to do - these things happen, just don't be horrible to me when it was your mistake!) Partly I was just thinking about things.  Life.  Stuff.  Things.

Nothing specific - I wasn't lying there fretting about any one thing, just general stuff.  Work I need to do - the never ending work I need to do lol - and updating the calendars and Team Teach training today for 3 hours after school, and so on.

I woke up this morning, having a weird dream about building a boat, and about painting the Plimsoll line onto it in the right place.  It was so urgent I had to go back to sleep to finish the dream.  It was *that* urgent.


Freud would love that.....