Thursday, July 23, 2009

It's another morning

Look at that.

The mornings just keep on coming! How fabulous, I'm sure....

We're going into town today, going on the bus, getting away. AC needs a break needs serious mummy and AC time. Mum said last night that he would be tricky for a while, because he had to change his relationship with me again, because he was so much "R's little man."

And he was.

He knew him, loved him, cherished him, respected him. R was talking of adopting him. AC had discussed making his name into R's surname. R was looking forward to spending time with him over the summer and we had changed the access times to reflect that, and now it won't happen.

You only have to look at the smattering of pictures from yesterday's post to see how much they loved each other. AC worshipped the ground R worked on, and R loved having a family again.

I think that's where I feel so utterly devastated. Not for R - he knew what happened after he died. Not for me - I love him, and I knew. But for AC who saw him every day, who worried about him whilst he was away, who cherished him and wanted to be him. I feel it for BG as well, who will now *never* get the chance to really know her father, and who lost the last 3.5 years with him, not even seeing him on the weekends.

The adults know, and understand so much more. The children need us.

But more, they need him.

AC is home.

AC's song Brad Paisley - The Dad he didn't have to be

AC came back tonight.

He has cried himself to sleep in my arms tonight at 9.30pm eventually.

He has lost the man he wanted to be, the man he loves, the role model he respected and needed in his life.

He has lost the man who taught him to ask for help even if he looked busy.

He has lost the man who played with him, who carried him when he was bleeding, even though R's shoulders and knees were sore from physio.

He has lost the man who disciplined him firmly but with gentleness and care and such love.

These are only a few pictures, but they love each other so much, it's breaking AC's heart that R is gone.