Thursday, June 11, 2009

And so to bed

It is almost 10.15 and time for me to be in bed. R is off tomorrow, so he's staying up later, gaming, and then he'll sleep in tomorrow.

Except I expect he'll say that, and then he'll get up and take us into school because he loves us. He's that kind of person.

That is where my calm and quiet contentment is coming from right now. The security of his love and presence in my life, house, heart. The knowledge that he isn't going anywhere, that we can finally settle down to some boring normal.

We'll see though - something usually happens when it gets good like this!

Quietly content

I have just finished yet another bath. I don't take one for weeks (although, dear Reader, I do shower every day!) and then take one every night, usually at the behest of R, who knows how they settle me.

This one, complete with warm blackcurrant juice and a copy of Darkside : Lifeblood which I started and finished in the one bath, was very settling.

I have allowed things to get on top of me, I have worried about things for which I have done my best, and thus cannot affect any further. I have tried too hard, worked too hard, and not smart enough. I need to reconsider myself.

Every now and again I do this, and now, just after the child has turned 6 seems a good time. R and I are have been friends for 4 years now, lovers for 3. We are in a good and stable place, living and loving together. R and the AC love each other with a joyful delight in each others antics and a deep respect for each others individuality and a pride in the other that is a pleasure to behold. I am deeply and fearfully proud of both of them for who they are becoming.

But who am I becoming?

There comes a point, every now and again, where I have to think about where I go next. The AC no longer *needs* me as much - he has R as well as me, which gives me a little time. I have not needed, nor wanted me time up to now, and to be honest, I don't need it now, it is just "there", in the gap that his growing leaves.

I know what I would fill it with.

It's interesting.

So what does it mean?

It means I'm done with the She-Ex again for now. I'm not going to ask her any more about the BG's reading until I get the things I need from her to continue properly, and on a regular basis. Why am I pouring more commitment and effort into this child's education than her mother?

It means I'm done with extras for now for school. What is done, is done. When reports are done, they are done, and that is the end of it.

It means that other parts of my life have been placed into God's hands more than they were before, and I am trying hard to trust in Him for the best outcome, and to trust myself to believe that the outcome is the one that is the best.

It means I am withdrawing into our four walls and our family again.

But for now, I must write reports.

Productive day!

Yesterday was a productive day.

We did Numeracy (mostly outside, went back in to weigh things and the prospective heads turned up! Ah well) Literacy (puppet shows!) and Science (Food chains). Then I went home to write more accursed reports.

Actually, they weren't too bad. It took me 1.5 hours to get through to Tesco about the vouchers. I'm going to sit in a minute and look at the site and see what we can order. Lots of it looks lovely, but I want the input from the others.

AC had his first Junior class yesterday. Apparently he was upset about coming straight back here (he didn't look it!) and so I think R and I will be picking him up each Wednesday now. We'll see. It was nice on Monday not to have Lil' Dragons and just to come home, cook a nice meal for the boys instead of takeout, and spend time as a family. We never seem to tire of it.

Speaking of family. R was able to phone BG last night, but she was "busy" doing something. That's cool, she's 7, they are quite often busy doing something (he thought she was peeling carrots, but again, she wasn't really speaking to him) at 7, but would it kill one of the adults there to explain to him on the phone? The trouble is priorities again. We have different priorities to their household, and AC's relationship with his father has always been one of our top ones. We taught him at an early age not to have the tv on when he was on the phone to his father, to speak clearly, and when we knew phonecalls were happening we made sure we had chatted about at least one thing he could tell his father. I keep trying to tell myself that different is just different, not necessarily bad, but this is a hard one for that.

The He-Ex was supposed to be getting the AC a t-shirt yesterday when he went into town to pay the maintainance (9 days late again! Good job we both work and don't have to rely on it!) and somehow he didn't get it, but he's going back later today for it? *confused!* If he saw it, why not get it? Ah well.

I completed 8 logcabin blocks yesterday. I might even treat myself to a 6" square ruler to help with the squaring up, but we'll see. That's now 12 in total. Just keeping on, keeping on!

This morning it's Tesco voucher shopping. We have collected around about 30,000 I think. We take our voucher collecting seriously! I'll make a short list of things to spend them on and let the children choose from school.

I went to bed early in the end last night, feeling very dodgy in the stomach area. Still feel sickish this morning. Not like I will *actually* be sick, but just nauseous. Lovely!

Laters lovely people!