Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Wednesday Words - grief quote

“You will lose someone you can’t live without,and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.” 
― Anne Lamott

Now, I don't know who Anne Lamott is.

I could find out, but I'm not going to, because I want to think about her words first.  This is the first time I've come close to finding something that describes how my grief has been.

I have learned to dance with a limp.  I have learned to love again, knowing how much it will hurt when something happens to him.  I have come through into the sunshine (but with a pacamac in my bag)


Anyway, this is part of the Wednesday Words link up, which I have not taken part in for a while.

Crazy With Twins

Wednesday words is the brain child of CrazyWithTwins.  I'm guessing she's still adorable, I haven't been to her blog in a month because I've not been doing anything for a month.  I shall amend that now, so don't tell her I haven't been, ok?

Quietly ......... something

I don't know how I feel at the moment.

Last night, the boychild and I were on Look East (regional News programme) and it was so good to be able to get the shout out about Scotty's, and about what it has done for the AC and I.  We were interviewed whilst we were staying at the lodge, and we met Alex Dunlop, who brought his cameraman and who was so lovely and understanding.  They interviewed the AC about life after Rich.  They interviewed me about carrying on.  It was awesome, and it's available on iPlayer.  But always, always, there is the knowledge that yes, all of this is awesome, and AC doing fencing/archery/targetshooting/swimming/aquajets/seeingseals amongst the other stuff whilst staying at a £1k a week lodge for nothing is awesome and I am so grateful it's untrue, but there is always the knowledge that we can do this because Rich died.

We came back from the lodge on the Friday, and the Sunday was the anniversary of his Celebrations.  It's been a weird anniversary time so far - unlike other years I made it through the 17th without crying.  I made it through the end of term without crying.  I made up for it on the anniversary of his Celebrations and cried like a tsunami was coming out of my eyeballs.

Seriously. They almost had to launch lifeboats.

(Ok, maybe not lifeboats.)

It struck me just how weird grief is.  How I thought I had a handle on it this year, and how it has changed again.  There has been no public grief this year, (unless you count almost crying on Look East in front of half a million people) but the private grief has been immense and sudden and then gone again as swiftly as it arrived.  It has come in waves - rather like my tsunami analogy - which was supposed to be joking and actually is very accurate.

In other news, it is, at last, the holidays!  I shall post about what we are up to and so on, but I wanted to get this post out of my fingers.