Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Of trains and Derby and Chester Woo-wooo!

So there is a plan in place to rescue me from this doldrums.

1) AC and I get on the train at 0820ish tomorrow morning.
2) Change at Ely
3) Change at Leicester
4) Arrive Derby
5) Lunch, chat, See Old Haunts.
6) Depart Derby
7) Change at Crewe
8) Arrive Chester
9) Get collected by Caroline and breathe a sigh of relief.

Whilst with her we'll do the AC's school shopping, veg out, eat Jaffa Cakes, buy me some clothes that fit, then she'll drive back on Sunday, stay over night and disappear some time Monday morning.

Before we go I need to................

pack things for us - not much (after all, going to ASDA living!)
sort out the fish, cat and pig food (Rachel has offered to feed them!)
do the dishwasher
hoover through
clear the dining room table
Church notices

Sew more! The rainbow bargello-ish looks gorgeously good.

The heebie-jeebies are gone after more sleep and tears today. I've just got up from a 2 hour nap and feel much better.

I can't do this.

I can't do this.

Not right now.

I can't.

I cannot explain the hole in my person, the perpetual ache, the tears, the horror that is every day life without Rich.

We did everything together, or in the same space. We weren't apart when we could be together - we had so many apart times forced on us by the job, that we took every advantage to be together. We love each other so much, that I know, he's around, he wouldn't leave me.

But right now it's not enough, right now, I want him here, physically here, I want him to hold me and tell me he loves me and tell me I'm his gorgeous sexy darling, to wrap me in his big bear hug, cross his legs over me so he surrounds me totally, and just breathe with me.

Just be with me.


I don't know.

I don't know what else to do, what to say, how to say it, who to say it to. I've written to all the people who wrote such nice letters to us, I've written to the driver to say it's ok - because it wasn't her fault, it wasn't his fault, it was just a weirdoid accident, and sometimes they happen. I've written to the nurse who was there to thank her for trying so hard.

I want to shout and demand he is brought back right now. And I can't. I don't even know where he is scattered. Today that matters, or rather, right now that matters. I know later it will be ok, that I will pack these emotions up in a box and store them carefully until next time they break out, and I will cope and manage and do all the things I do so well, but it hurts.

Like I want to throw up, that kind of physical hurt.

And I feel like I can't do this any more.

But there are no other options. All the other options are, well, stupid and lazy of me.

So I will have a cup of tea, pull myself together, bleach the kitchen, and get on with it.


Need to start sorting out his clothes as well. :-(

Heebie Jeebies

I have them.

Last night I had a dream about the She-Ex which was awful, and I had one about the Family Picnic which was awful.

Those kinds of dreams I can live without.

No, really!

I don't often dream about the She-Ex, and even more rarely do I dream about her with the BG, but the BG was in this dream as well, looking small, and basically in the same age and condition she was when she left.

Rich and I had talked a couple of times, about the fact that her face was still imprinted on our minds, a small child, untidy hair and tear streaked face, being dragged away from her father. The She-Ex was crying too. I think she thought he'd say "Don't go!" but she'd made her decision, and he wanted her to take some responsibility for her own actions, instead of doing something and then blaming it on everyone else but herself. This one, there was no one else to blame. She chose to go, she chose to take the BG away, and now that little girl will never see her father again. That's a hell of a responsibility to take when she's older. Eventually, BG will ask what happened, and now there will be no other side to the story, it will just be the fabrications of her mother.

Maybe that's better. Maybe the lack of confusion will be better for her. No doubt I will be the Queen of All Evil, and that's ok, it'll give the She-Ex a scapegoat. But I always promised him she'd know the truth one day, and she will, somehow.

But that's the kind of heebie jeebies I have today.

Shower, then cup of tea, and see if they go!

I sewed

all night.

And I mean from 7pm to gone midnight.

I think if I put in a couple of hours tomorrow, I'll have some idea what this will look like. And I'll put the pictures up.

But I didn't cry all night. That's a good thing.


Bob and I chatted for a bit, and that was nice. I've sent a couple of texts. I've had communication, but much more gently. It's good.

I missed out on a long call with Annilee this afternoon though, and I'm going up to see Caroline on Thursday, so LOTS of communication with those two! Who are great. And Welsh.

Are all Welsh people great?

Am I babbling?

Oh yeah.

No babble monitor. Missing him. Maybe should sew more?