Yesterday I was blogging about the way I felt on the 14month deathiversary. I was talking about how moving on feels. About how we have to move on.
Not moving on is a sign of guilt, in my book. Not being able to let go, not being able to say "Ok, that was that." tells me that there is something that hasn't been dealt with. I was terrible over Steve for a long time, and that was because I felt bad about leaving him when I did. I knew I had to go, that there wasn't another choice, that his parents were supporting me, but I still wanted things to work out well for him.
I can't have any guilt over Rich. I know he was happy on the day he died, that he loved me to the end of the world, and back, and that he was happy with his life the way it was. The shadow of BG's absence was going to be dealt with, and we were trying for a family of our own.
Because he was happy, I can move on.
I miss him so much that I could throw up some days. I miss his smile, his touch, his laugh, his stupid jokes and his OMW texts to tell me he'd see me soon. I miss the way he held me, the way he listened to me, the way he talked about the big things in life as well as the small things. I miss my friend. My bestest ever friend. The one person who has ever really "got" me.
J will, I have complete faith in that. Rich wouldn't have lined us up if that wasn't so. And yes, I believe that.
Weird thing the other day - The canteen lady was asking about J, and I was explaining how we met and so on, and how he used to work with Rich and how Rich liked him and so on. She said "Well, if Rich liked him I'm sure he would have wanted you to be happy." At that very point, Don't Stop Me Now, the song we had at the end of his cremation, came on the radio. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, because it's not the first time, by a long way, that that kind of thing has happened.
Anyway, it's time for tea and work and so on. I love the fact that J knows I miss Rich, and misses him too, and doesn't mind when I cry for Rich in the dark of the night. I love the way he supports the AC in his love for us all.
Laters people, from a very lucky girl.