Tuesday, March 30, 2010

BG's blog

I blogged to the BG this morning, because I had the pictures from Charlie very late last night.  I had a million and one other things to do, but she's important, so I blogged to her.

This was what I put. (Obviously with all the right names in lol!)

Dear BG,
I thought you might like to see the pictures that Charlie took from last weekend. They came through on my email late last night but I was already in bed, so I’m putting them up as soon as I can!

They are pictures from RAFWA, the Royal Air Force Wargaming Association. Daddy used to go to the RAFWA competition every year in March, and to the AGM in October. Every year in the competition, he came second.  In England we’d say “Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.”

Here he is from last year.  He was very tired from lots of gaming, but still smiled for you because he loved you so, so much.

I had to tell RAFWA in October about the accident and what had happened to Daddy.  I wrote them a long letter, which Charlie read out for me at the meeting, and they held a minutes silence as a mark of respect for how much they all liked your Daddy and thought that he mattered.

Then the committee  got talking, and they knew that they almost needed a new referee’s trophy, and they wanted to do something to show how much they respected your Daddy and how important he was to them, and so they bought a new trophy.

It’s the BIG one at the back!  The middle says “The Rich Hannis Trophy for refereeing excellence.” and then underneath it says “Always the bridesmaid” and that’s because it was something Daddy used to say, that the others all knew!  He used to get one of the little ones at the front each year, and I’ve saved you one of those in the box of Daddy’s things that I have here for you.

The person who won this year was called Dave (who has beaten Daddy the last 3 years!) and he was really pleased to be the first person to get his name on the trophy.

Everyone there was asking about how we all were, and Charlie said we were all doing ok.  They were disappointed that I couldn’t go, but they understood.  Charlie had a couple of sad moments where he had to tell a person who had been away in Afghanistan when Daddy died about Daddy, and I’ve had a lovely email from them to say that they were so sorry and shocked to hear about it, and they hope we are all getting lots of support.

This month was also World Book Day, and AC wanted to wear Daddy’s things – well, he couldn’t wear the trousers and shirt because they were far too big, so he wore his own greens, and Daddy’s helmet and webbing.

He did hiding the the hedge to see if the camouflage worked.  What do you think?

There he is!

It was lovely to see him smiling.

He’s had a haircut since then though, and I think he’s about due another one!

Well, I had better get sorted for school.  I wanted you to have this as soon as I could though, so that you knew just how much people liked and respected your Daddy, and thought he was a good man, even months later.  People have been very kind to AC and I, and mostly, it’s because your Daddy was a kind and loving man who helped other people, and now they want to help us.  My mother says “You get what you give” and because he gave everyone kindness and niceness, they are happy to have a chance to give it back.  If a person gives nastiness, then they get that back instead, but your Daddy wasn’t like that, he was wonderful.
AC says hello, and how are you?  He’s doing testing this week at school for the end of his Infant stage, and next year he’ll be a junior! I am so proud of him.  He goes to a special group with someone a bit like your school counsellor for children who have had a parent who died, and that is really helping him.
And now I really must go or I’ll be late!

Take care darling girl, remember we love you lots and think about you every day.  If you ever need me, just call or email me, and I’ll do what I can for you.

*HUGs and Cuddles*

I haven't opened her mothers reply, (I emailed her the link and I'm not expecting her to read it any time soon, if ever, but I have them all downloaded and one day I can show her that we tried really, really hard.) but I can read the first line that said something about "Then you can read the emails" or something like that. 

I will.  Just..... not right now.

Right now it's bed time, I need to remake my bed after this morning, and I can't bend.


From my sofa

This post is brought to you from my sofa where I am currently sprawled in stupid pain. I say stupid because although walking is an optional extra, it's because my thighs are broken. Or the muscles are just exceptionally tight. Or some thing. But I'm not walking. Ans I had to crawl up the stairs!

Bedtime for the ac.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod-mega-gadget-thingy! Wooo!

Sunday, March 28, 2010

If I was....

I stole this from the fabulous blog  knitting the wind.

If I were a month, I'd be January, my birth month, cold and dark but just waiting for a touch to light the fire and be warm and comforting.  I'd be children skipping school for snow days.

If I were a day, I'd be Saturday morning, a whole day ahead of me to do with as I will.

If I were a time of day, I'd be early morning, for a day pregnant with possibilities.

If I were a font, I'd be Garamond.  Ordinary, with a little bit of something about it.

If I were a sea animal, I'd be a whale.  Slow, silent, singing my sad song, I would wander the massive world under the sea, waiting and looking.

If I were a direction, I'd be up.  Struggling to be up, but I won't be down.

If I were a piece of furniture, I'd be a chaise longue.  Comfortable, versitile, sleep on me, lean on me, read on me.

If I were a liquid, I'd be tea.  Sweet, strong tea, holding the world together.

If I were a gemstone, I'd be a white opal, clear, bright, with hidden sparkling depths.

If I were a tree, I'd be a lime.  Tall and shady

If I were a tool, I'd be a socket set, able to be turned to anything.

If I were a flower, I'd be lavender, or rosemary, never forgetting, always loving.

If I were an element of weather, I'd be soft morning rain, cleansing the earth, leaving it smelling fresh for the day.

If I were a musical instrument, I'd be a cello.  Soaring notes, rhythmic bass,

If I were a colour, I'd be the hazel of my sons eyes.

If I were an emotion, I'd be peace and calm.

If I were a fruit, I'd be a banana.  Sustaining, very good for you, and ever so slightly rude.

If I were a sound, I'd be singing in the shower.

If I were an element, I'd be water.  Life giving, adaptable

If I were a car, I'd be a series 3 landrover.  Exmilitary...

If I were a food, I'd be something soft, like table cream.

If I were a place, I'd be here. 

If I were material, I'd be velvet.  Rich, opulent, but serviceable in so many ways.

If I were a taste, I'd be the first sip of cranberry juice into a nighttime mouth.

If I were a body part, I'd be where the neck meets the shoulder, ripe for kisses.

If I were a song, I'd be Send in the Clowns, by Smokey Robinson.

If I were a bird, I'd be a phoenix.  And I will be.

If I were a gift, I'd be a rainbow, existing for a little boy to know that he is loved.

If I were a city, I'd be Derby.  Cultural, still fighting, full of difference and change.

If I were a door, I'd be open.

If I were a pair of shoes, I'd be steel toecapped boots.

If I were a poem,  I'd be "Warning" by Jenny Joseph .
Or I'm gonna be an engineer, by Peggy Seeger.

10 things meme to stop me being tearful

In an attempt to still the tears (no, no idea why the elephant is roaming around the room today) I'm answering this.  Usual service will be resumed later.

The Eight Tens Meme

1. Are you single?   Yes. No. Kind of.  I don't feel it.

2. Are you happy?  No. See opening statement.

3. Are you bored?  No

4. Are you naked?  No

5. Are you a blonde?  Sandy brown heading to darker brown.

6. Are you moody?   yes, these days.

7. Are you a lover/hater?  Lover. Muchly.

8. Are you hot/cold?         Room temperature

9. Are you Irish?          No

10. Are you Asian?          No


1. Name:                  Sarah

2. Nicknames:          I don't have one these days!

3. Birth mark:         A mole near right eyebrow

4. Hair color:           brown to blond

5. Natural hair color:    see above!

6. Eye color:              Hazel

7. Height:                  5'3

8. Facebook Mood:      Can I do that?

9. Favorite color:          Purple, in all it's tones.

10. One Place to Visit:     Wales


1. Do you believe in love at first sight?     No. In electrical attraction that needs slapping down if it's inappropriate, yes.  Real love takes time.

2. Do you believe in soul mates?              Yes.  Completely.  Rich was and will always be, my soul mate, and he said I was his.  That our souls would find each other whenever they could, regardless of what else was happening.

4. Have you ever been hurt emotionally?    Immensely.

5. Have you ever broken someone’s heart?   Probably.  I am *that* gorgeous.... (that's sarcasm, btw!)

6. Have you ever been cheated on?           I think so.  Not by Rich though.  He loves me too much

7. Have you ever liked someone and not told them?

8. Are you afraid of commitment? 

9. Who was the last person you hugged?         My son

10. Who was the last person you kissed?        my son


1. Love or lust?            Love

3. Cats or dogs?          Cats

4. A few best friends or many regular friends?      A few best ones

5. Television or internet?            Internet

6. Chinese Or Indian?             Chinese,

7. Wild night out or romantic night in?          Both.  In combination.

8. Money or Happiness?         Money. Then I can fix Ellie, go and see the BG, finish the house, and have less stress.
9. Night or day?                       Night

10. MSN or phone?               Phone


1. Been caught sneaking out? 

2. Been skinny dipping? 

3. Stolen?  

4. Bungee jumped?                      No

5. Lied to someone you liked?          No.

6. Finished an entire jaw breaker?        No

8. Wanted an ex bf/gf back?                  Yes

9. Cried because you lost a pet?  

10. Wanted to disappear?                  Yes


1. Smile or eyes?                 Eyes - that's where the real smile is!

2. Light or dark hair? 
        Just hair.

3. Hugs or kisses?   

4. Shorter or taller? 

5. Intelligence or attraction?          Intelligence makes a man attractive.
6. Romantic or spontaneous?       Both

7. Funny or serious?                    Serious

8. Older or Younger?               Young inside when it matters, old in the head when it matters,

9. Outgoing or quiet? 

10. Sweet or Bad Ass?            I want to say sweet, but Rich was a bad boy tamed, so, *shrug*


1. Ever performed in front of a large crowd? 

2. Ever done drugs?                                         No.

3. Ever been pregnant?   

5. Ever been on a cheer leading team?
                   No. No. A thousand times no.

6. Ever Been on a dance team?

7. Ever been on a sports team?                    Yes

8. Ever been in a drama play/production?           Yes

9. Ever owned a BMW, Mercedes Benz, Escalade, Hummer or Bentley?
   No, No, a million times no!

10. Ever been in a rap video? 


1. Last phone call you made:           Mum

2. Last person you hung out with:      Andy

4. Last time you worked:        Friday

5. Last person you tackled:     My son

6. Last person you IM’d:      Sian

8. Last person(s) you went to the movies with: 
  A friend's husband

9. Last thing you missed:  
       Rich (does he count?)

10. Last thing you ate:           doritos

Ok, that worked, now I'm just tired!

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Loving people.

I love you people.

I throw my heart out to explain why I am being the way I'm being, here, and I get 3 gorgeous comments.

Sarah, I feel for her too.  I have come to the realisation that when she is older, when she can make her own communications, then I can tell her what her Daddy was really like, and how great a man he was.

Caroline, I love you. You are such a support to the AC and I.  Thankyou.

Lynda, thankyou for your comment.  I have looked and looked at what you have said and I have realised that I am not acting out of love, I am acting out of fear.  What have I got to be afraid of from the She-Ex any more?  She cannot stop me seeing the BG any more than she already has done.  She cannot stop Rich from loving me, and she couldn't stop him from being a wonderful stepfather, lover, and partner, even though she tried.  The accident stopped him being a father, but I will always cherish the look on his face when I told him I was expecting, that we were having a baby.  Yes, her behaviours delayed us doing that, but that is just the way the cookie crumbles.  It was our fear of her stopping any chance of Rich seeing the BG that delayed it.

And when the cookie crumbles, like it has, it is who helps clean up the mess, as opposed to who tries to grind it into the carpet, that shows who is a decent human being, and a good friend, and who just isn't.

I am loving you people.

Friday, March 26, 2010

And because I refuse to be sad?

"Mummy, Curtis is 7, and he doesn't even know what an AIRSHIP is."

"Well, some people are interested in different things."

(I know.  How could Curtis not know! Oh the shame lol! I mean, isn't *everyone* interested in flying machines of the 20's and 30's?)

Oh, and I started a new wrap last night.  This weekend I have the choice of sewing or knitting! (I also made a call to take Kevin for his operation this Easter.  He's a bumptious tom kitten at the moment.... Joe the Fat Cat does not appreciate this!)

Another one

I now have 5 unopened emails from the She-Ex, and one comment on here that starts off aggressively.  I don't look at the titles or anything, most of them have gone straight into the folder, so it's just that number that changes.  There's one that I moved straight across that I didn't read.

I think maybe I'll have a look this weekend.  Or next.

Why am I so afraid to look at her emails? Why does it matter? (I've been asked that.)

Here's the thing.

The She-Ex has an incredible ability, and Rich and I could never decide whether it was planned or not, to pour salt in wounds.

Even since Rich died, she has told me that it's just the same for her, the day after the Celebration she was asking for legal things about him, and when she gatecrashed onto here and found some memories I'd written about him, and why I'd chose them, she put

I would just like to point out,

this man you are martyring, making into a saint

also didn't have the common sense to write a will

or have life insurance for his daughter.

and that, also is your fault.

Take care of your son better than rachel was taken care of by her father.

The day before it was a month since he had died she wanted to know about things in the house.

On the day of the Cheltenham Memorial she called me a bitch because I was wrapped up in Rich and apparently didn't care about her feelings.

On Boxing Day she asked about the Death Certificate.  The one she'd been asking about since September and telling people I wouldn't send it to her, even though I didn't actually have one because the inquest hadn't happened yet.  The one she told me to "keep the f'in certificate" in the end and she'd get her own. 

And so on.  It's that kind of timing.

Even when we first got together, on the AC's first birthday since we had been together, she told Rich he had to choose between us and the BG, or he'd never see the BG again.  When he was in Khandahar, she talked about him being dead, how I would never see BG again, how she would get everything and so on.  She said in an email that she was glad he was away there.

So that's why I've left them.  I'll look sometime soon, I will.  Probably this weekend, or next.  At the end of the day, she has what she wanted - she still gets the money from the RAF, and she has the medal, (that she did nothing for) so she can play the grieving widow for a man she hated so much that she refused to send pictures of his daughter for 7 weeks before he died, as well as all the lies over the divorce paperwork, and she doesn't have to speak to him again.

But since the day she made her choice, and dragged his daughter, sobbing her heart out, through the airport departure gates, he never saw her again, and now she will never see her daddy again.

Hope that makes more sense.


Thursday, March 25, 2010

*yawn* ICT *sleep now*

Oh my WORD!

Yesterday was amazingly fabulous, and when I get my notes typed up I'll put them onto here.  There are a number of websites that you home-ed bunch would love, and I'm hoping you can get them from the US.  Like 30 of them.

It was a brilliant day.  Lunch was gorgeous but there was hardly any of it by the time we got out of the seminar because ours overran, but that was ok.  Spending the day with Sue was lovely and gave us a chance to really chat.

I have nothing planned for today as I have no idea what my children did yesterday - I doubt it was that which they should have done lol!

After school we are going to buy birthday presents and then have some tea and then come home and snuggle.  It's what he said lol!

But yesterday. Wow.

Last night I slept from 8-10 on the sofa, and then 11-2, 2-4, 4-6 in bed.  (AC came in at 2.) The doc said it was to be expected, an that this is normal for my stage of grief, in that the body can maintain itself for emergencies (i.e. doing my job!) but not for non-emergencies (i.e. watching tv, knitting, doing marking!)  Just got to let it ride...

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Going away?

I just had an email from my friend P.  He's just emigrated to New Zealand.

He was excited about going, sad about leaving people behind, and we had a great time whilst he was here for a few days.  He's starting again, somewhere else, somewhere new, leaving this story behind, starting a whole new one.

Am I jealous?  Not really.  We had a discussion whilst he was here, about the fact that he liked women who went out and got what they wanted, who were active, not passive about their lives.  He saw me as passive.  I told him we just want different things.  He said he didn't understand.

I told him that, when Rich was here, I had what I wanted.  I have, since I was little, looked for my happily ever after.  Rich and I had that together, but it took work.  We had to choose to ignore the deliberately hurtful things said by the ex's, and to celebrate the lovely things that they did.  We had to work hard to provide for the AC, for the BG, we had to go out of our way to spend time together, things like that.  Relationships, I told him, do not make themselves.  I learned to make Rich's favourite foods - he had to relearn what they were after living on frozen rubbish.  I wanted to learn to sew, so I did.  I wanted to have a tidier house - the fairies won't do it, I had to!  I wanted a cat again, he wanted Landy's, he wanted sharks, we wanted children, and we worked hard to achieve those things.

Just because someone doesn't want to travel the world, I told P, it doesn't mean that they aren't proactive, or that they passively let life walk over them.  Maybe it just means that they have what they want right here.

I think he got it. 

And then I told him I'd applied for my Post Grad Cert, on the way to my M.Ed, and he was amazed.  Ok, it's not backpacking around the Andes, but it's what I want to do, and I'm doing it, I said.

And he told me he loved me.  I told him I loved him too (because I do!) and we said our goodbyes for possibly the last time.

I look around me now, and I realise that, with the exception of the elephant in the room, we have everything we want, and more, right here.  AC and I have each other, we have family, we have a home, we have the animals, we have food and water and tea, we have a future, we have lots going on.

Including the fact that I am going to an ICT conference today and being collected in about an hour.  Rachel is taking the AC to school for me because she is lovely, and Sue and I are off to Norwich to the conference.  That's me doing something I want to do lol!

Laters people.

(Oh and Penny, you are right and amazing and cake is indeed the answer! No more of this, and plenty of cake!)

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Red bricks and blue skies.

Way to go AC! I bet you were so proud! As for the rest, take care of you first and say a long prayer before you open any of them! If you decide to wait, then so be it! (((((hugs))))))

I got the above comment from Chef Penny this morning, and it has reaffirmed that this current course of action is the right one for the AC and I.  I doubt that there is anything I can do for the BG now, and for her mother, very little has changed except she can now raise the BG in her own manner, without what she termed "interference" from Rich.  Financially, her mother is better off without Rich, (although not as well off as she would have been if they had have got divorced - oh the irony lol!) and so there is nothing more to say on the subject.

But I was stood just now, looking out of the window, at the first sunny morning, where the blue sky comes against the red bricks of Next Door, and it was just how things were the day before he died, except today there are no strong arms to encircle me, no dreams to hold.

For some reason, it reminded me of the day I told him we were going to have a baby, that I was pregnant.  I still remember the smile that roamed across his face, the laughter, the joy he had, the love he had for the little dot of life within me.  We agreed we wouldn't put it on here, because who knew what the She-Ex would do.  When we lost the child, days later, he held me as I cried, and I know he cried with me.  We tried again, and he told me before I told him! Again he was excited and hopeful, but we were tempered with fear.  We were right to be.

He never knew about the third time.


No more of this.


Monday, March 22, 2010

Early morning!

It's early again.

I spent a lot of the late evening talking to my father about why he thinks my mother hasn't phoned him from France (she doesn't want to talk to him) and what the real reason is (she's dropped her phone down the toilet - and we know this for a fact)

I didn't do any work, didn't finish ironing the HST's, didn't do anything else.

I spoke to AB afterwards and despaired slightly of my parent, because I can see this as the beginning of his elderly years.

I spent a lot of the weekend working on these! 

The pinks are quite pretty I suppose, once they are not in the big pieces they were originally in, when they were The Most Vile Fabric in the Multiverse. They aren't great pictures, because I really have to charge the camera and not use my phone so much! There are 6 colours of 4 sets of pink scrap fabric squares which will make triangles, so that's 48 triangles.  Each block will have a big HST and 5 little ones.


The He-Ex is going to send me pictures, but I'm trying to get the one he texted me off my phone right now.  The AC did his mile for Sport Relief yesterday, and did it in 8 minutes 15 seconds.  He ran almost all the way and managed a sprint finish!  He's going to take his medal in today to be presented in assembly.

And finally, The She-Ex tried to leave a comment on here. I haven't read it, because it starts "RIGHT Since you will not answer my letters perha....." and whilst I was going to look at all the emails tonight, right now I don't think I want to as she's a) clearly reading this and so knows how upset I have been recently and is still being mean, and b) even looking at that sentence made me start to tense up.  It's a shame, as she's sent a lovely picture of the BG, and the BG and the AC were talking through email, although that looks like a ruse to get me to open emails from her now!

I don't need unpleasantness and nastyness in my life right now, so, yeah, that's the way it is. 

Oh and finally finally, loads of people have *asked* if they can come to July18th.  How cool is that!  So much for him being "a monkey in a suit with no personality" as the She-Ex was going to tell their daughter that her daddy was.

Got to do stuff - and my boy has poorly legs.....

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Too quiet

Today I am one of the Other Mothers.  The Lucky Mothers.

Today my son is at his fathers for the whole weekend - he's running the Sport Relief Mile today.  3 people have said at work "Oh, I'd love to have that peace for the weekend!"  and throughout his growing up time I was always asked "Don't you want some time to yourself?"  "Why isn't he in nursery?"  "Leave him at the grandparents and have a night out."



That didn't work for the AC and I, and when Rich and I talked about it, it didn't work for us as a family either.  He regretted leaving the BG as much as they had done, but I knew why she'd had a childminder and I agreed with his logic.  I loved having her round at ours, (except the night when she wasn't picked up til after pub chuck out! Long story.) because she was brilliant company, just like the AC was.  We had some tough times at the beginning as she learnt to live inside the house rules, but then she was ace, and loved being with us as much as we loved having her.

I digress.

I think the major point, is that leaving the child somewhere else didn't work for us, for me and the AC, for Rich and I and the child, and Rich said it's not something he would repeat with our children.  Of course, the obvious issue is feeding - the AC was a boobybaby until he was 2.5 years old.  It's easier for bottle babies to be left with a steriliser, cartons of formula and some bottles.  The AC was a cloth bummed baby as well, although his father insisted on using Pampers at night.  Why, I have no idea, as he certainly didn't get out of bed to him - Rich got up to the AC more between 2.5 and 6 years old than his father did between birth and 2.5. (And Rich getting up when I was ill was bliss......)

I don't know.  But I know it's worked for the AC and I, and for us as a family.  Some of it came from the fact that his father was not dependable.  A lot of it came from instinct and reading about different ways of parenting, taking the bits that worked for us and leaving the bits that didn't.  Rich and I grew into a wonderful parenting style together, that enabled the AC to grow into the strong child he is now, even if he has spent the last 8 months without the man he adores.

Where now?

The AC and I will carry on together.

Except today, when we will miss each other, even as I am proud of him for running and he is thinking of me at home. It doesn't mean I don't want him to ever leave my sight - he's older now, and much more capable, I think *because* he has a secure background.  For other children though, this kind of upbringing might not have worked so well, and that's cool.

We're all different.

In other news, I have cut and ironed the big HSTs and I ironed some of the small HSTs and will be doing more tonight.  I have to get a shuffle on to church now!

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Weekends are for....

.... Not sure really any more!

I've done lots of sewing.  Actually, that's a lie.  I've done lots of cutting and lots of marking and now I get to do lots of sewing and then lots of cutting and lots of ironing and lots of trimming and then more sewing and then more trimming and then more sewing and then the quilt top will be finished.

Right now though, I have horrible stomach ache, so I am going to curl up on the sofa, sleep a little, watch whatever film is on, and rest.  I'm being good to myself, just like the doctor said.  Actually, it's nice.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Reversible genius!

I've been up since 5am.  I've cut more squares for the new quilt from the Worlds Most Hideous Fabric (pictures later).  I've found the clothes for the day, tho we're not dressed yet, and I've finished the AC's new bag that I made last week, but couldn't get the eyelets for until this week.  Photos were taken outside on a grey Norfolk early morning lol!

I present to you, the reversible drawstring bag!

Custom made, to the requirements of a very demanding client, this one of a kind creation features the Union flag material on one side, and the green camo on the other, making it fully reversible!

Finished with brass eyelets and black cord, and full of martial arts gear, it looks (tho I says it as shouldn't!) spiffing!

He loves it, which is great.

In other news, I've had an email from a different address from the She-Ex, which meant it didn't go into the folder like the others have done.  I opened all the ones from the lovely girl to the AC, although those have stopped after 2, which is the way of children, but I just don't feel the need to open myself to the hurt that is no doubt in the ones from her.  This one is called "please" so I expect it's something else that she wants.  It can wait for now.  I have material to cut out and a job to go to. (Currently in that order of importance lol!)

Thursday, March 18, 2010

*winge* *moan* *ow*

I have bellyache.

And a headache.

And I'm all snotty.

I am poooooooorly.  Poor me.

In other news, the Black Pig now looks like this.....

She has been taken to pieces.  She has been an utter pig about it, but hey, what's new with that automobile!

I am continuing with the focussing on what feels right for me, and for the AC right now, as per docs orders lol.  I phoned about the counselling, and that will happen.  I'm not afraid to face my feelings and talk them out - I'm not going on any little white pills though, I don't need to.  Doc and I agreed on that one - I'm strong enough to manage without.  I see it more as my brain chemistry knows what it's doing, and I don't allow myself to over indulge the negative emotions - I put them on here, out of the way, and then move on.  I have a small person who must come first.  In everything.

So to school.


With or without the headache and the sick feeling? Only time will tell..... it is *such* a great healer.... NOT"!

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

I left this for him today.

8 months. The Black Pig lies in pieces in the garden and the house. Ellie sits on the front waiting for SimonLandrover to perform a miracle. Sam is taller, stronger, braver and more afraid than a 6 year old should be. I'm doing ok. *hug* Miss you. Love you.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

So much to say.

So little energy tonight.

I have just cried for about 30 minutes.  The Black Pig of a Range Rover is now in bits in the front of the house, ready for more bits tomorrow, and doing of stuff with said bits.

I sat here, and I could hear the voices outside, and I thought about taking coffee out, and then the door opened and suddenly I remembered Rich was dead and not coming in and the people I could hear weren't him,  and and and and.

I hate it when that happens.

Monday, March 15, 2010

I changed my signature...

On my emails, since just after Rich died, I've had two quotes.

"'But what about when we're dead and gone,
would you love me then, does love go on?'

Large held Small snug as they looked out at the night,
At the moon in the dark and the stars shining bright.
'Small, look at the stars - how they shine and glow,
but some of those stars died a long time ago.
Still they shine in the evening skies
Love, like starlight, never dies.'"

Debi Gilori "No Matter What"
We may be a thousand miles apart
But I'll be with you wherever you are

Lonestar - I'm already there.
The first is from Debi Gilori's book "No matter what",  which is a children's book about love.  The second is from Lonestar's song, "I'm already there." (Troop tribute version here, tissues at the ready - we played this at Rich's Celebration as the pictures came up. He and I played it whilst he was serving In The Abroad.

And now I've changed them. Today was the right day for it.

"Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." ~Christopher Robin to Pooh

I trace the rainbow through the rain,
And feel the promise is not vain,
That morn shall tearless be.

Love that wilt not let me go - George Mattheson

But I've reduced myself to tears and snot with the Lonestar song, so I'll be back laters.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Mothering Sunday

It is easy for today to get into a "This time last year."  Rich always made a fuss of me on Mothering Sunday.  There were always flowers, he and the AC always had a scheme about something.  He always got me something little, just as a way of thanking me for being a good mother to the AC and the best stepmother I could be from such a distance to the BG.

Last year we were expecting the divorce documents that had apparently been Fed-Ex'd two weeks before, we were loosely planning our own celebrations, and life was going to be amazing.  We had come to terms with the miscarriage, and were talking about trying again, and how many times we would try before we sought help, and whether having children of our own mattered that much.  It did.

This year, the AC has brought me a wooden helicopter to put together, so that I have one like Rich's.  He has made me a card at school.  He and his Daddy have made me a card.  He is now sat on the sofa, having made sure he gave me all the kisses in that card.

He is a beautiful child, and I love him so much.

To all Mummies out there?  Have a lovely day, cherish your children and smile!

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Scarf done!

Finished pictures of the scarf

From this.....

To this!

Draped over the line to show the oh-so-easy-pattern.

Lying on the woodpile to show the lovely brooches from Lupin.  My children at school loved them, and have decided I need a sunshine one to go with the raincloud, as I am more sunshine than rain! Or a rainbow one to match my socks. I might be looking at her shop later....... (ok, we all know the *might* is a fib!)

Lastly a slightly dodgy one of me.  By me.  Well, who else - there is no one else here lol!

I'm off to the doctors at the behest of my mother now.  We shall see what we shall see.

Laters people.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Oh the loveliness!

The other day I was here, and it linked through to here.  And here is where I indulged myself in someone else's sale, and yesterday evening after a complex day at work, I opened a neat little brown envelope to find this.

There was a loveliness to the packing with the gorgeous nummyness of the pink stripe tissue paper.  Who even knew you could get pink stripe tissue paper?

Inside the pink stripe tissue were these little packets...
All neat and individually wrapped and lovely. (and yes, I ripped the tissue a little to get to the pink bits.)

When I had ripped apart carefully unwrapped the pink tissue, these were what I found!  3 were ordered, one was a gift as a celebration of a milestone for Lovely Lupin.  They are so neatly done, warmly in felt, and I know a couple of children who I will have to be aware of at school because these are infinitely touchable.

They are going on my scarf! (Now finished - pictures tomorrow or later today!)

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

It's still racism.

We just don't call it that.

If it's something that black people want to keep for themselves, and are jarred off about because they were beaten by a better squad, apparently that's not racism, that's cultural.



This is an email that was doing the rounds a few months ago, possibly longer ago than that.  It says it all for me.  It is American based - I would say we don't have so much of a problem in the UK, but that's me lol!

Am I a Racist

You pass me on the street and sneer in my direction.

You call me 'Whiteboy,' 'Cracker,' 'Honkey,' 'Whitey,' 'Caveman' and that's OK.

But when I call you, nigger, Kike, Towelhead, Sand-nigger, Camel Jockey, Beaner, Gook, or Chink you call me a racist.

You say that whites commit a lot of violence against you, so why are the ghettos the most dangerous places to live?

You have the United Negro College Fund.

You have Martin Luther King Day.

You have Black History Month.

You have Cesar Chavez Day.

You have Yom Hashoah

You have Ma'uled Al-Nabi

You have the NAACP.

You have BET.

If we had WET (White Entertainment Television) we'd be racists.

If we had a White Pride Day you would call us racists.

If we had white history month, we'd be racists.

If we had an organization for only whites to 'advance' our lives, we'd be racists.

If we had a college fund that only gave white students scholarships, you know we'd be racists.

There are over 60 openly proclaimed Black Colleges in the US , yet if there were 'White colleges' that would be a racist college.

In the Million Man March, you believed that you were marching for your race and rights. If we marched for our race and rights, you would call us racists.

You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and orange, and you're not afraid to announce it. But when we announce our white pride, you call us racists.

You rob us, carjack us, and shoot at us. But, when a white police officer shoots a black gang member or beats up a black drug-dealer running from the law and posing a threat to society, you call him a racist.

I am proud.

But, you call me a racist.

When I was at Uni we wanted to start an English society.  It was a bit of a joke, and would have involved lots of sticky puddings, watching Ealing comedies, and of course warm beer and cooked breakfast.  We were told we couldn't because it was seperatist and racist.  When we queried how this could be so when every other nationality had their own society, we were told that that was the way it was, the college didn't want any trouble, and off we were to go.

That's racism, inherent in our society, but not in the way one would think.

Anyway, I should do some work!

And we're done!

Parent's Evenings are officially over! Let me get a whoop whoop on that one!

This year has seen the usual gamut of parents, but with distinct polarisation between those who like the way I teach and those who don't.  In fact, one of my parents asked if I was ok as she knew that there were some parents in the playground really "gunning for" me.  That's in a bad way.  Apparently I'm unconventional.

I know which parents it is though, and that's all we'll say about that.

It's like I said last year, when a child is well parented it makes such a difference.  When they are stuck in front of the electronic babysitter all evening, then it's rubbish.  I've given one of my children permission to bunk homework every now and again because he lives in the middle of some woods and is often out doing stuff there.  Excellent!  So he should be!  Why am I going to make him stay in and write a list of light sources when he can be out there finding the natural ones, he can tell me all about it on the Monday, and he is living his education.  I can take care of his school stuff, because that's my job, but he should be out being a boy, living his life.

Homework is for the playstation generation, who just sit on their backsides all evening with the tv and a game console.

The observation went well, the head enjoyed being in my class and said my children were great, the teaching was great, the ICT was great, the lesson was great, all we needed for the lesson to be superb was some sunshine as we had to theoretically measure shadows in the classroom with torches and dinosaurs, as opposed to being outside properly.  I love English weather lol!

Chilled day today in the classroom then, whilst we all recover, and I plan my social groups for next term to deal with a persistent case of bullying that has come up from parents evening.  If 6 parents mention a child, I think there is a problem. We'll see how we go....

Oh, and.....

Ellie is officially on the way to restoration, is out the front of the house looking gorgeous.  Mossy in places, but gorgeous.

The AC was straight into the back of her when he was home.  She's a beauty, and she'll be a stunner when she's finished.

It was weird to see her out the front, but it was a good weird.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

"I thought you were dead Mummy."

Last night was parents evening, and with all the trials and tribulations that that usually brings.  My night was due to finish at about 7.30.  It finished at 8.45.  When I walked in the door, all the usual rubbish that parents evening brings up in this area was forgotten.

My son stood there.  His face was red and wet and creased with long cried tears.  His jama top was damp with sweat and he ran to me from the bottom of the stairs.

"Oh honey, what's happened?" I asked him as we wrapped arms around each other.  I could feel his body shaking and his heart was racing.

"Nothing" said my mother, who was sitting in the front room.

I brought him into the front room and sat on the floor with him. He sat on my lap, face buried in my neck, sobbing and sobbing.

"What are the tears for baby?" I asked him. "It's ok. Whatever it is, it's ok."

Through the tears I heard him say quietly,

"I thought you were dead Mummy."


He wasn't asleep until almost 9.30pm last night.  He finally dozed off on the sofa, his body exhausted from crying in fear, and then from crying with relief.  My mother told me that he was saying to her "I know that Mummy isn't hurt, because the police would come, but I can't help thinking that she's dead."

I lay in bed last night, and this morning, hearing his voice in my ears again and again "I thought you were dead Mummy."  Why does my 6 year old need to think like that?  Why does he even know, at his age, that no news is good news, that the police will come if you die? Why?

Obviously I know the answer.  Rich's death has changed him in so many ways.  My innocent child has gone and in his place is a man in a boys body, in so many ways.  He has seen things, done things, that a child his age shouldn't have to do.

He has listened to his mother tell him that the man he loves was hit by a car and died.

He has worried over his stepsister, his first thoughts were for her, and for the fact that Rich can now see her whenever he wants, and hasn't got to wait for photos any more.

He has watched his mother cry.

He has railed against God, Jesus, the universe and promised them anything they like if Rich could just walk back through the door like nothing happened.

He has heard people say that he and Rich didn't matter, that BG was the only important child in all of this.

He has felt the hugs of the mourning, from people who didn't know what to say to a 6 year old whose life has been ripped apart.

He has walked behind the coffin of his stepfather, proud to be there, scared to be there, loving Rich so much, and in his words, "I have to do this for me and for BG, because she's not here to do it for her Daddy."

He has had the Number 1 cap presented to him by men that he respects and loves, and laid it at the Celebrations for that man he loves.

He has wrapped himself in the love of the armourers, in the love of the school, in the love of the church, in the love of his family, and in the love of his mother, all the time aware that it could be ripped away at any point.

He has laid in bed, crying himself to sleep, wearing a uniform top a thousand sizes too big for him.

He has been betrayed by an adult that he trusted, knows his mother was betrayed as well, and has realised that not everyone says what they mean, and whilst he knows Mummy says that grief makes people selfish, and we have to try and understand, he knows that there is a right and a wrong, and we have been done a terrible wrong that cannot be undone.  Some of the wrong done to him could be, and the armourers have done a great deal to make that so, because they see the pain in the child's eyes that has no right to be there.

He has learnt that family is who you make it, who you choose to be in it, not just what there is.

He has learnt to lie, and say "I'm fine!" and put a Game Face on, to "man up" and just carry on with every day life, even though every step hurts, every thought is of Rich, every moment is another one he isn't here.

Sept 09 First day of school

He knows what an inquest is, what a post mortem is, what a next-of-kin sheet is, and how divorce law works, and what impact that can have on a life.

He's learnt that life isn't fair, that some people are incredibly selfish and grasping, but that others will bend over backwards to right a wrong as much as they can.  He knows the kind he wants to be, and doesn't understand that nasty ones.

Hopefully last night retaught him that sometimes people are late, and it isn't because of anything bad, but actually, just late.

I could have lied.  I could have told him Rich had to go away for a while, that Rich was off in the 'Stan, that he was off doing something.  I could have not let him go to the Celebrations, and I could have not explained about the accident.  I could not talk about Rich ever, pack him up into boxes, and put him in the loft.  His love for our family was too great for that.  AC loves him too much for that.  I love both of them too much for that.  I had to be honest, I had to be true.  It broke both our hearts all over again, and it will keep on doing it, but it had to be done.  Honesty is always, always, best with children.

And so last night, I didn't say "Mummy wouldn't get hurt, nothing will happen to Mummy." because in his world, if it can happen to a 6ft 4 armourer, it can happen to anyone. 

Last night, I just held him when he cried, wiped his puffy eyes, and told him over and over "I love you.  I'm here now. Mummy didn't die."

Monday, March 8, 2010

Step 1 completed.

Yesterday we completed the first step of Ellie's restoration.  We cleared the lean to shed so that she can be pulled out onto the front, and then the black rangy will go in, and will be stripped to parts which will then be sold.  To do that I also have to empty Rich's shed, which I have left completely, but that's ok.  Most of the things in there are baby clothes and so on that can go to the charity shop if they are any good, or for rags if they aren't.  We'd saved them because we were going to have our together babies, but it's ok.

Andy came over yesterday as well, and it was good.  The children played, we cleared the shed, it was painfully normal, how our life should have been. But productive.

I cried at church because the organist was grumpy about not having the hymns and everyone else having them and was sarcastic about it.  David at church was very kind and not happy with her and so on.  I apologised to her as well, but yeah.  We'll see what happens.

The world and his wife seem to think I need to see the doctor about the tears and the exhaustion.  Thankfully no one seems to think I need anti-depressants, but that I might be anaemic or something like that. So I'm back on the vitamins and so forth.

The AC has had email from the BG.  The cynical side of me knows what I think, but maybe this time it is just about the children, as it should have been all along.  I am hopeful.  We've had our first picture of the BG in just over 9 months, (we hadn't had any for over 6 weeks when Rich died, because her mother was cross about something) which is lovely, and she looks happy.

I entered my first Mummy Blogger carnival! YAY!  I used the World Book Day 10 post.

What else?

Not much.

Life is ticking on.  This is March.

 April, May, June and July, and the Year and a Day Celebrations.  Slowly the plans are coming together.

But today is long parents evening, and I will not be home from school until very late (about 9pm) so yeah.  See you later peoples!

Saturday, March 6, 2010

In the style of What Katy Did....

Thursday - World Book Day.
Friday - Cried.  In School.  But at lunchtime where no one could see me....
Saturday - Forgot what did. Very tired.


Proper post tomorrow peoples.



Love Red Dwarf.....

Thursday, March 4, 2010

World Book Day '10


It was World Book Day again.  Already.  That means it must be March.  Already.

Obviously the AC wanted to go as an armourer.  There are lots of them in the books that he reads.  He had Rich's helmet and webbing.

See the camouflaged effect.  You can hardly see the child....
But he smiles beautifully.  So gorgeous.  So open.  And the colour of the uniform really brings out the green of his eyes.  Hazel like mine. Expressive like Rich's.  Loving like both of us.
The caretaker from school helped him with his camopaint.  He used to be in, so he knows what he's up to.
It started off in lines.  Over the day, it got much more smudgy!
I went as Dorothy.  That dress was hired.  I need to make a more fitted one! It's put about 2 stone on me lol!

It came with a wig.  The AC was not impressed with the wig.  And please to be noticing the smudgyness.  (This photo was taken at the end of the day!)


We went for fish and chips and hot chocolate for tea.  AC ate an adults portion, and cleared his plate.  He was so tired, and it's been a difficult pain day for me today, so we thought we'd go out for tea!

These are last years.  Part of relishing this Year of Firsts, is to look back on days like today last year, and love them.  Last year the AC was Obi-Wan.


I was in Rich's clothes.  I remember him tucking and folding and all sorts to get me into them.  I remember him getting me out of them as well, but that's not for a family blog! (I'm not sorry about the sex references by the way.  We had a great sex life, that was the best either of us had ever had - he was quite disparaging about some of his ex's, and we both said that neither of us had connected on such a soul love level before, and that showed in the sex.  I miss it, and I mourn for it.  I mourn our sex life like you wouldn't believe.)
Anyway, we had a great day, but I have the equivalent of carpet burn from the netting.  Not comfy.  The day ended with Ivan coming over for a coffee, which was nice, and we chatted about everything, nothing, like you do with good friends.  

Bedtime now though.  The scarf is getting really long now.  1 ball of wool down, some more to go.  Maybe a whole ball, maybe not!

Banana milkshake and Judy Garland.


Today, I am sitting in my dressing gown (Ok, it's Rich's dressing gown lol!) and looking at a blue and white costume that I picked up yesterday to wear today.  It's World Book Day today.  Previous years have seen me as a fairy, an armourer, sleepy bear, and something else I can't remember.

This year?


Blue, white, pigtails, and shoe covers.......  I am totally going to be a gay icon.

And I've made banana milkshake. Num num num.  It's a good breakfast.

It's going to be a looong day though.  I can feel it.

(I dreamed about Rich last night.  Nothing exciting or rudy, just us.  Doing us stuff.  He told me he's always here.  That's cool, dream or not.  At the end of the day, Rich believed that things happened in dreams, so who knows!)

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

"The Next Time"

I've found the almost perfect song for how I feel.  This is about a breakup, as opposed to a bereavement, but it's so true... I'll paste the lyrics, but the link to youtube is here. 

(and yes, I chose a young Sir Cliff version - who wouldn't?!) 

They say I'll love again someday
That truer love will come my way, the next time
But after you there'll never be a next time for me

They say that I'll find happiness
In someone else warm caress, the next time
I'll soon forget your kiss
And heartaches such as this will just be acient history

They say that I'm a fool to weep
And I won't go on losing sleep, the next time
That someone else will mend the heart you've broken in two
But how can I fall in love the next time
When I'm still so very much in love with you

They say that I'm a fool to weep
And I won't go on losing sleep, the next time
That someone else will mend the heart you've broken in two
But how can I fall in love the next time
When I'm still so very much in love with you

When I'm still so very much in love with you

It's true though.  For all the idea of plenty more fish and so on, I can't imagine anyone else being here like Rich was, because we are so very much in love.  AC and I talked tonight about how we love Rich, and always will, even though we love other people as well, and he asked about me loving Rich because he slept in my bed, and I said that was part of it.  AC was glad Rich didn't sleep in his bed - because sometimes Rich had the worst smelly trumps! (Actually, that's true!  See, I do say the bad things about our relationship as well on here lol!)

Ah well.


Wibbly wobbly!

My gorgeous AC has a wobbly tooth!

Bottom front for anyone interested, and the new one is already pushing through, slightly behind, but that's ok, nothing that we weren't expecting.

It's his first wobbly tooth.  And his first question?  "How will Richard know?"  We talked about how Mummy believes that Richard can see what's going on, and the AC was satisfied with that. 

Yesterday evening was also parents evening.  I wanted to come home and hug Rich so hard for all the times he sat and heard the AC read, or helped with homework, or encouraged his environmental print understanding, because even with everything that has happened this last 7 months, the Adorable Child is either average or above average.  His reading is phenomenal, and he is now totally independent.  We need to work on him reading more fiction, as his penchant is for non-fiction books at the moment, but that's a typical boy thing, and I'll find some books that interest him.  His maths is good, his scientific understanding is great, his attitude towards his work is "confident and hardworking" and towards his school friends is "kind, caring, considerate and helpful"

We talked about how he's managing his grief at school, and he's doing ok with that.  He has strategies in place that help him, he has the bereavement group which is helping him, and he has a strong support network in place which is keeping him going when he finds it tough.  He is so lucky to be in a school where he is loved and cherished and known in such a way, where we have great counselling for him and support and understanding.  He's developing an issue with crowded spaces again, but we got through it before, and we'll get through it again, it's all part of his grieving process.  It's not a quick fix couple of weeks for us - we lived and loved with a wonderful man who just went to work one day and never came home.  However, with the exception of what Ian the brother did, the AC was involved with every aspect of Rich's Celebrations, and that has enabled him to understand more fully what happened.  He will be involved with the Year and a Day Celebrations as well, and will have a role to play, just as he did in the Church. 

I digress.

Anyway, he was allowed to choose tea because it was such a great report.  It was such a great report I could get over the idiocy of his father (I'll write about it later) and when I got an email from the She-Ex last night, I opened it without thinking. It was just the one line.

Look just answer my email already we have been here 6 weeks now.

I haven't opened the other one, and after reading that, I didn't open it again last night.  I will, I will! I just don't think it's going to be nice and so I don't want to open myself up to hurt.  The AC and I are in vulnerable enough places at the moment, and I know that won't matter to her except as an opportunity to have a go, and I'm not up for that right now.  I have to protect the AC and me from all comers, and that means her.  Yes, I will always love the BG, but there is nothing I can do to help her now.  

Right, I have to do sandwiches, brush my hair, and get to work.  AC is dressed and eating an apple.  He ate the worlds biggest chicken kebab last night, so I'm not worried about a lack of proper breakfast lol!

(Oh, and I put another 2ft on the scarf last night!)

Monday, March 1, 2010

Sniff sniff.....

There are two things I am grateful for this morning.

 The breadmachine, with it's lovely timer that means that 5 minutes after I got up, there was fresh bread.


The milkman, who, thanks to milkandmore, I can order before 9pm in the evening, and have fresh milk (and more lol) in the morning.  I don't know what time, but it was before 0545!

So now I have a cup of tea, work to do, but a clean kitchen and a house that smells of fresh bread.  I can make my own good days!