Once again we are approaching the Armistice, and once again I can feel the distance developing between me and the rest of the world. I am less concerned with the petty things than I would usually be. I make sure things are done because I am not interested in discussing the consequences with other people, not because I am aware of the importance of that thing being done.
Yet, at the same time, reading the posts from the other Scotty mums, I am aware that we are different. Rich did not die in war, he died here. There are other mums in the same situation as us, mums whose child's father died of a heart attack, and another mum whose child's stepfather died in a motorbike accident a year after Rich. The child is much older, just started Uni, and yet that child always has time for the AC to speak to her, always makes time to contact him, the whole family is lovely and epitomises what Scotty's is for.
Maybe that's what I need to do for the next few days. Retreat from the world, and focus on my family, my Scotty family. They understand.
Several are incensed with the way that the AC and I were treated after Rich's death. A couple of the more militant ones have pointed out that I have a case to go to court, using the paperwork that was discovered, and fight for our entitlement that way. I have said that I cannot risk that taking anything away from the BG, because she has lost her father as well. I don't want her, whenever I see her again, to feel that I went in to attack against her. I have always and will always love her and worry about her in the same way I worry about the AC. Not quite the same way I suppose - she's not likely to be behind on her textiles homework as her mother is an excellent seamstress! I don't know the specifics of what I need to worry about lol, but I worry for her generally. Is she happy? How is school going? What is she up to socially? All that kind of thing. I don't worry because her mother is a bad mother, because she isn't. (I assume she isn't.) I worry because she is Rich's daughter, because she was a huge part of our lives, even when she wasn't here, because I told Rich I would always be there for her, and I'm not really there for her at the moment.
It is a funny time of year, this one. Perhaps I just need to settle myself down a bit.