Friday, August 14, 2009

Sleeping in shirts

The AC has just got out of bed, fumbled about in our room, then got back into bed.

When I checked, he was wearing one of Rich's work t-shirts. *tears*

"I miss Richard Mummy."

"Yes, baby, I know."

"We all do don't we?"

"Yes baby, we all do."

"But he's better now he can see BG isn't he Mummy? That will make him happier, won't it?"

"Yes baby, it will."

"Does she know he can see her now?"

"I don't know sweetheart. I don't know."

4 weeks.... and icecubes.....

... icecubes.

That's what life feels like at the moment. As if everything I try and do, is like picking up icecubes. I think I have it, I think I'm doing it, and then I realise it's slipped away and I'm sitting on the floor, staring at nothing. Or standing staring at nothing. Or staring at his cap, or his jacket, or the car, or where he sits, or.... you get the idea.

The house is falling around my ears, and I have to get a grip for the sake of the AC. I cannot allow him to grow up in squalor.

Financially, we'll be ok. The world is doing ok in that respect at the moment.

Family wise, all is well. There is an invite to the Picnic in my inbox from one of the Aunts. I'm pretty undecided at the moment - it's 4 hours in the car or more by train, but I feel like going, if only to show that I am not unhappy with the Family. Yeah, they get a capital letter. That's the kind of feeling I get from them - lots of them, well organised, purposeful. It's not a bad thing.

She-Ex wise, there's been a couple of things, but I fixed the blog again (going to have to look at that as I suspect she thinks I'm doing it on purpose, and I'm not. She asked for the login details, but Rich didn't want her to have them, so *shrug* I understand his reasoning!) Oh, and it's *my* fault there was no insurance. I think she'd find, if she could speak to Rich, that it was because there was no divorce. Oh well. It's a couple of terse emails. I can live with it. I have done for the last almost 4 years, and with the benefits of living with Rich and the efforts to protect him and his little contact with BG. I can live with it now.

He-Ex wise, he's not paying any maintenance, and that's the way it is. I've told him we can manage until September, because I want him to carry on taking the AC out places now that Rich and I can't. Although driving lessons should start again soon, with a view to passing my test around October hopefully, and getting Ellie or the Disco on the road. Sorted. I've got to do it now, as opposed to it being useful before.

Electricity bill wise - I still *can't* pay it. I have the money, but I'm not allowed to pay it until the 28th. Even though I asked. Even though I gave them new readings. Even though a thousand things. No. They do not want me to pay until then!

Sarah-watch is winding down as we hit the 4th week, and I'm quite seriously not going to implode with grief or something. It's been fabulous, and I've loved it in many ways, but there comes a time when a girl has to stand on her own. I can't go on depending on other people )my mother especially, who has been amazingly supportive) for ever. The world goes on. I will go on.

Ashes wise, I am still in shock. But I'll get over that too.

Things to do list for tomorrow, then for before school, then for me going back to school, then for a few days at Carolines, then for London, those must be done.


I have a to do list of to do lists!


But yeah.

Icecube life is weeeeeird!