Wednesday, June 3, 2009

I am

I am.

Today, I just am.

The events of the last few days, coupled with the audacity of the She-Ex, just have me floored. Yeah, she'll be reading this, and I don't care. She knows she told me she didn't read this, she knows my opinion of facts of the situation, she knows, she knows, and she doesn't care. She's not taking the reading seriously, which I thought she would, we know things from BG's teacher that the She-Ex just didn't mention, but which cannot, cannot be escaped as fact.

Tonight, just tonight, I don't care. I need to write until I hit through this and into good news.

The events of school are becoming more difficult. I know me. I know that a lot of this is me, and my need for a clear and well constructed hierarchy with clear and well stated needs of me, whilst allowing me the freedom to teach how I like inside my room. Currently, if one was to travel down the year lists, the teacher status would look like this.

head - currently a temp head, interviews are next week for the new one - January start.

5/6 staying (but looking elsewhere)
5/6 leaving new one in Sept.
5/6 staying
3/4 staying
3/4 staying
3/4 staying until Feb.
2 leaving (AC's teacher for next year)
1/2 staying
r/1 new one starts Sept
r staying

Oh well.

I am marking, and writing, and marking, and writing, and going to bed.

There is so much going on in my head at the moment, so, so much. When it settles, I'll write it down.

But good news?

AC is now on "pack books" which means he's nearly a free reader.

He's a talented child, he's bright and loving and amazing. He is doing well with the loss of the hamster, because he can express his emotions with a wide range of vocabulary, he knows we accept and love him regardless of how he feels, and that how he feels is entirely up to him. We talked about how strongly he feels, and how that is ok, and to store this feeling for when someone else loses someone they love but he doesn't, and how he will be able to remember this feeling, and sympathise with them.

R has buried Lightning in the garden. He has been amazing with the AC throughout all this. He is such a good father. He has been supportive but not smothering, caring but not condescending. He is supporting me through end of term, he is going through major changes in attitude and ambition and life plan, and he is strong and proud of us all, and holding us all as a unit, keeping us safe. I love him.

I spoke to BG tonight, who had no idea she had sent a card to AC as a condolence for the loss of his hamster. As I hadn't told her about the hamster, and neither had R told her mother, there is only one conclusion. But this is the good news section, and so I choose to remember that she was keen to speak with me, gave me a message for my dad, and she was happy and cheerful, which is nice.

Dad has gone through his keyhole surgery fine, and will be home tomorrow.

School was good. The bits with the children are always wonderful.

See? There is always good news!

Emotional day.

Yesterday was a long, hard day. The AC's heart is broken and he may never really recover the childhood that he had, and whilst in some ways that's no bad thing because growing up and maturing is good, in other ways his grief was so painful to watch and feel.

After the events of Monday, Lightning had had a good night. He was reasonably chipper yesterday morning, but when I returned home at lunchtime he was curled up. I had to go back to school to get something that had not been returned to me and therefore was in the wrong place, and therefore hadn't come home with me, and when I got back to the house again R was sitting on the sofa, stroking Lightning, who was curled in his hand.

It was clear that he was on his way out. Within 10 minutes of my return home he had passed on, and R and I were both very sad, because he was family, he was entertaining, he was a lovely little chap.

When the AC returned from his father's house, I told him that Lightning hadn't been well, that he had gone down to the Vet on Monday, that the Vet had given him medicine, but that, unfortunately it hadn't worked, and Lightning had died. He roared in anger and grief and pain for over half an hour. He stomped and threw himself as he let his grief out. He questioned his own care of Lightning, he questioned his faith, he questioned my faith, he expressed his feelings ("Mummy I am so angry I want to break all things.") he took himself alone upstairs for a while ("Mummy I just want to have a few minutes on my own to be sad and angry." and he was, literally, distraught.

R was out at a Gov's meeting, so I was dealing with him. Over the next hour we cuddled, we talked through our feelings, he looked at and stroked Lightning, and I let him lead the discussion, the behaviours, because it was his grief.

Ours has always been a family that takes the care of it's animals very, very, seriously. They all see the Vet, even the small ones. They all have the biggest cages we can get them, the best food we can get them, plenty of love and affection, each to his or her need. When we hear about people abandoning animals when they move, it infuriates us. When we hear about mistreatment or neglect, or the belief that they know better than a vet, it distresses us to think of the animal in pain. We firmly believe that we chose to have the animals in our lives, therefore the responsibility to care for them is ours. It is not a right to own an animal, it is a privilege to share your life with one. As such, the AC doesn't see animals as things which can be replaced whenever he or we feel like it, or got rid of when they don't suit our needs or lifestyle or they annoy us. He sees them as family, and his grief was as real for him as the loss of my Grandmother was for me.

I put him to bed and he came down again, and ended up lying on the sofa behind me whilst I marked a couple of books. I told him to try and sleep, and R would carry him up to bed if he did. R came home about 20 minutes later, AC was still awake, but immediately shut his eyes and when I whispered, "Shall I ask him to carry you anyway?" he nodded a really small nod.

R took him up, and they spent a while chatting, and in the end AC went to sleep quite swiftly after that (around 9pm). He just wanted R to share his feelings with, and to talk about what happens next. AC isn't overly bothered about the shell of a body that is left, he wanted to talk souls. Now he knows what I think, and he knows what R thinks, and he knows that they are two different things, but he's fine with that. We're not about railroading him to think a certain way, we're about letting him come to his own conclusions.

We'll see what today brings.

The books aren't marked, he's had a good night's sleep, and Lightning is going to work with R this morning.

There is other news, but it's not important - I can't be bothered with the attitude.