Monday, March 30, 2009

Ok, I've done not a fat lot.

AC didn't get to sleep until around 8.40, so I didn't eat until 9pm.

And tonight, for some reason, I have nothing going on. I have a lot of work to do. A LOT. I'm not kidding on that front. I'm just not quite there tonight. I'm tired (understandably as I've been up since 4am) and I'm missing R, and I can't quite figure out what's happening with anything else right now.

When I'm without him, I feel like a large part of me is missing. I know I'm a strong and independent woman, that I can fight anyone and anything, and I *will* win, but there are times, right now, when I need him.

I'm not ashamed to say I need him - it would be nothing of a relationship if I didn't need him - and it's hard to put into words. I need him. I can manage without him. I am more than capable of earning enough money to support myself and my son, I can emotionally support myself, I care about and like myself, it's not about an appreciation of who I am physically, emotionally or mentally, in some kind of way that means I need him to validate myself.

I just need him.

I need to sit here with his arms around me, my head snuggled on his shoulder and his fingers tracing patterns on my skin without thinking.
I need to look up, and catch him looking at me, just to see me.
I need to walk past him, and feel his hand caress me as I pass, just because.
I need to roll over in bed, and feel his body move towards me, even in sleep wanting to touch.

I need him.

I need the words of love that warm me.
I need the words of support that strengthen me.
I need to bounce ideas off of him, and hear him share his thoughts and hopes and dreams with me.

I need him.

I know that there are feminists all over the world weeping into their lattes about the fact that I have confessed a need for a man, but this is not just any man. I've had boyfriends a plenty, I've been married twice, I've never been short of a man if I've wanted one. Sometimes I did, sometimes I didn't. I liked having someone around, so I usually had someone, and I was always emotionally involved. I loved the feeling of being wanted and desired, so much more than I ever wanted or desired them. I always had people around me, and all were boys. I cared for them all deeply and carefully, mothering them all, bringing out their potential, feeding them, protecting them. But in every relationship, there was a lack, there was a something missing.

And then there was R. Suddenly, from nowhere, he appeared. From somewhere, he became a friend. From a friend, he became more. From more, he became everything. He's the equal partner I always looked for, who can dominate me when I need it, but who can pacify the storm of my emotions with a blanket of love and reasonableness. He needs loving, and caring for and protecting, but he also protects me, he defends me from all comers, he is the head of the family I always wanted, with the same dreams as me, the same aims and wants and desires. We can lie in bed at night and plan a future together, in a way that I was never able to before, and neither was he.

R is my other half. He completes me. And that's why I've done no work.

I bet the head doesn't buy it...... I doubt anyone could truly understand this. I wish everyone could though! I wish the world felt this loved and loving. It would be a better place.

The plan for tonight.,,,,

The AC has had a slightly poorly belly, so we didn't go to KSW and he was confined to toast for his tea. It's something he's eaten (I can tell by the ........ well, you don't want to know really!) and I suspect it is mandarin oranges for lunch. I'll let the cook know and I'll try him with some at home in a controlled environment at some point!

It's now 8pm.
AC is in bed.
Cat is fed.
Guinea pig and Mini pig are fed.
Fish lights are on.

I need to:
empty the dishwasher,
put the washing on,
reload the dishwasher
wipe around the sink
find the living room floor
plan tomorrow mornings lessons (PPA in the afternoon! Hurray!)
mark the literacy books to take back
plan the rest of the weeks lessons.

Should take no time at all lol!

I've also spoken with R, settling in ok, and I've emailed BG to let her know that he's settling in ok and all is well in his world.

I wonder what you are doing tonight Dear Reader?


I was going to blog about forgiveness today.

The sermon on Sunday (and a very good one at that) was about forgiveness and it started off with the fact that we are forgiven by God.

What David said was "Some days I need to remember that God loves me, not for what I might be, but for what I am, today." That really struck a chord with me, because there are days when I don't feel very much that God can love me. My living arrangements are nonconventional, my attitude to paperwork is bad, and I have a propensity to use language as a weapon. (note use of word propensity was irony!) But God loves me, and he loves me just because. He knows I'm trying, importantly, he knows how hard I'm trying. I need to remember he knows that when temptation strikes me!

The next thing he said, was that God forgives us, and we struggle to forgive others.

Martin Luther King once said ""Forgiveness is not an occasional act: it is an attitude."

and I happen to think he has a point. I can choose to forgive someone, but unless I act on that behaviour, then my forgiveness is just a set of words, like someone saying sorry for name calling and then doing it again a moment later. Sorry just becomes a word, a thing we say, without meaning. "I forgive you." can become the same way. Jesus had that attitude of forgiveness on the cross ("Forgive them Father, they know not what they do.",Luke 23 v 34) and we should strive to be like that. He was being tortured and killed. We can let a few nasty words go!

The third thing he said (David being a fan of the traditional 3 point sermon!) was that if we didn't blame so much, we wouldn't have so much to forgive. Forgiving someone doesn't mean, "Your actions are unimportant, the way you hurt me doesn't matter," it means "Ok, you did this thing, and I am moving on." He talked about how compassion was better than bitterness, and how dwelling on the past doesn't make it better, or easier, but makes it eat away at us until it dominates our lives, and how the healthier thing for us, for our families, for our spiritual selves, is to let go of that bitterness, look for the compassionate act, and live with an attitude of forgiveness.

There was more to it than that, but I was making notes in my diary and I only had red crayon with me, so it was all written a bit big!

Anyway, there we go!

I need to make a concious effort to live with an attitude of forgiveness. It's not the same thing as being a doormat, just means that I need to pray for the people who hurt me and my family on a regular basis. I don't dwell in the past, and I've never seen the point in it, but the present certainly makes me think unkind things sometimes, though I very rarely let them out (they are fleeting!) and recording them gives them life. Not good.

And now it's 0630, and I'm going to have some porridge!

Weirdness in education?

I've just spent over an hour working on a flipchart in ActivePrimary3 that will take us through the entire day.

I've uploaded it into the VLE.

I just need to make sure the links work when I get to school, and we're all done!

In many ways, technology is great. But I could have done my whole day without the children *doing* anything for real. Even the science experiments can be done online, without actually touching any real things.

They won't be. My children are having water and plastercine out to make shapes to investigate water resistance.

But where will this stop?

I have no idea what time it is...

.... apparently.

My body has been awake since what it feels is 5 o'clock, as usual. I tried several times to point out that it was only 4 am, and I was on the phone to R until 1130pm, so there's a bit of a lack of sleep going on, but no, it was not having it. So I've given in, got up, and am poking espresso to find information about parachutes.

I'm assuming that the She-Ex got the email - there's no comments on the blog nor yet a blatent reply, so that's clear enough lol! As long as BG sees it at some point, it's all good. I don't expect them to be able to look at it straight away - after all, they have busy lives too!

I'm going to blog some more on forgiveness in a bit. I just need to make a hot drink first.