Thursday, September 22, 2011

Sinking into a quiet place.

I've been in, and am in, and will be in for a while, one of those spaces.

The quiet ones where I'm gently pottering along and everything makes sense and life is made to be good, and I quietly suceed at things, and emotionally I am waiting to see what will happen, and on the outside I am serene.  Serene and calm.  Serene and calm and under control.

Again it is September.  We are heading to the second birthday with noone to celebrate it for.  We are heading to the 6th anniversary of the BG being taken away in the way that she was, deliberately from her father and so that she never saw him again.  Obviously the She-Ex had no reason to believe that Rich would die, but she made no effort for the BG to come here, was very discouraging about us going there, (and I firmly believe that the person who removes the child for their own selfish reason has the moral responsibility to enable the relationship between the child and the abandoned parent to continue to be important. Rich and I, and now J and I, have always worked to make sure that the AC has a good relationship with his father, no matter what his father wants lol!


Looks like I'm still bitter about the theft of his relationship with his daughter.  Oh well.  I'm sure she'll think I should have got over it by now.



Tuesday, September 13, 2011

It's a rug pulling kind of day.

Rug pulling.

As in, out from under my feet.

Yesterday I made a joking remark to J about children, only to end up with, after a few moments, the most unequivocal "We are not having children!" that I have ever had.

I cried.  I bawled my eyes out.  This is the second most painful thing that has ever happened in my life.

The worst bit, is that I know he's right.

I want to have more children.  I'd have a houseful.
He wants to be able to do the things he wants to do, without anything tying him down and getting in the way, we can't afford the childcare, and certainly can't afford for me not to work, and we have two sons between us.

So if at any point my emotions would like to get in touch with reality, that would be great.  If not, well, buy shares in Kleenex people, because I'll be going through a lot of it.......

Monday, September 12, 2011

It's not all about you.......

Now this is a potentially offensive post to those of an American nature, and I'm sorry if it is, but it's also my blog and how I feel.......

*hug* to all of you.  (No, that's not the offensive bit!)

Yesterday was, all over the tv and the radio and the papers and the country, a 10 year memorial for 9/11.

Face book was full of reminding people to remember, or pointing out that this person or that person hadn't forgotten.

Remembering 9/11 is a good thing.  Remembering people who died, realising the horror of their last moments, is a good thing.  Especially, to my mind, paying tribute to those on the plane that downed itself.  That group of people prodded buttock.

But what happened to America that day was a wake up call that she as a country wasn't impervious to terrorism.

Britain, specifically England, had known this for years.  25 years of what we gently and with typical English understatement, called "The Troubles".

1974 was when the first bomb that killed and injured people went off.
The last was in 2001.

In between times were the atrocities at Omagh, at Deal, at Eniskillen, at Newry, and so many other places.  In between times were pipe bombs, knee cappings, intimidation, and terror.

Now, I am not comparing the deaths of 11 at Eniskillen with the deaths of 2606 at the Twin Towers, nor the 125 at the less remembered Pentagon, but over the 25 years 3466 people were killed in "The Troubles."

I'm not saying that it was worse for us.  It just.... was.  It was what it was.

But how many of those deaths can be laid at American feet? (Yes, this is the potentially offensive bit.  I'm sorry, but it's true.)

Fundraisers for NORAID, for the American Ireland Fund, even down to hat passers in bars across the country raised massive amounts of money for Sein Fein, who *are* the IRA.  Those Americans with a fondness for The Old Country, with a need to go Back To Their Roots, are just as responsible as those who raise money for the Taliban.  Clinton's decision to get politically involved had more to do with reaching the the Irish-loving voters in his own country than with a need for peace in beleaguered Belfast.

The 2711 deaths in Afghanistan since Operation Enduring Freedom began, are a sign that because it was America that was attacked, we all got together to address the Taliban threat.  But when England was under threat, for 25 years, we were told, by the Americans, that we should give in to them, and our attackers were supported by them.  Yesterday, Obama said, in the midst of an excellent speech, that the past 10 years had shown that America does not give in to fear.  And yet American expected, wanted, and fundraised for Britain to do just that thing.

Now, the world is a different place then to now.  I'm not sure, I don't know if the IRA fundraisers still operate to such a level, although I know that America's political emphasis has, of necessity, shifted away from us and is on their own problems.

I do know that I joined the silences yesterday, that I remembered the dead, and also those injured who live with their memories daily, and those children who, like the AC, had a daddy or stepdaddy or mummy or step mummy who went to work like they always did, and never came home.  I do know that without 9/11, my life would have been very, very different, and one day I'll explain why.

But yesterday was also caused a change in attitude for America, about them taking terrorism seriously, and for me, whilst I thoroughly despise anyone who uses the innocent to prove their own point, that has to be seen as a good thing.


Please don't be too offended.

Friday, September 9, 2011

And we're up!

Up out of bed.
Up and in a lovely mood about my lovely class.
Up in weight to 11st4 (154lbs) and I'm not letting that get to me lol!
Up in love and joy and happiness and so forth!
Up in my organisational skills and the idea of "just getting it done"

Mood is, for me, a matter of determining my own attitude. I decide, because what I decide influences 1 small person on the way to school, (2 after we pick up his friend on the way) 28ish small people all day at school, and a world around me.

(yes, I do know how arrogant and selfcentrered that sounds, but if I smile at someone and get a smile back it just might brighten a day for someone more than me snarling because I'm in a bad mood!)

But these days I have work to do in the mornings. *yawn* and I love it.

- Posted using BlogPress from my fabulous iPad

Monday, September 5, 2011


New interface.  Hmmmm

And back to school today.  I'll tell you about it later.

Friday, September 2, 2011


Ok, I'll 'fess up.

I'm struggling with a lot of things in my life at the moment.  None of them are massive, just irritating.  Just things I should be able to do, and I'm not.  Or things I am always doing and noone else is and that's not fair.

That kind of feeling.

Winge, moan, I'm-a-martyr type stuff.


I've been successfully using the Home Routines App, and I'm adding Habit Hacker to it, because we all know I need to be told to do stuff or I don't do it lol! Or rather, I need to be reminded to do it, or I forget.

I'm going to formally assign jobs to J and the AC as well.  We all make the mess.  We can all clean it up. (Hey, you have to believe in something right......)