Monday, January 31, 2011

Day 01 - A picture of yourself with fifteen facts.

Ok, so this is me!  (and Cassi in the background)  be nice.  I'm ill today.

Fifteen Facts.

1) I'm 36.
2) I'm 5ft 3.
3) I have one son by birth, a stepdaughter who I will never forget and who I *will* find and tell her I never stopped loving her, (and give her the stuff I have kept for her of her fathers) and a step-son who is hard work, but so worth it.
4) I love to bake.
5) I love to read.
6) I love to knit.
7) I love to sew.
8) I have an iPad which has books about all these things on it, and auto scroller so I can knit and read at the same time!
9) I have divorced someone once, been divorced once, been bereaved in an accident, and am trusting in love once more.
10) I love scripture quotes, and live on Phil 4 :13. The Bible tells you all you need to know about how to live.
11) We have 4 snakes, 2 cats, and a tank of Malawi's.
12) I'm a teacher.
13) I love a lot, trust easily, hate no-one, and work hard on forgiveness.
14) I like cooking programmes and I'm watching cupcake wars whilst I'm doing this.
15) I consider myself to be very lucky with how much my family love me and how supportive my friends are.  Once day I hope to be able to support them in the same way, but I'd rather not, if you see what I mean!

50 days....

I'm putting this up on here because I want to do this, and I need reminding about things.  About everything really.  Maybe even more than that.  Lots of stuff.

And I'm home sick from school AGAIN with the same cold/cough/dizzy/harsh voice thing that I had before.  I am going to try and see the doc about why I keep getting this stuff.  AC is home as well today.  Maybe he could have gone in, but he has luminous green snot, and no-one wants that sitting next to their child and sharing.......

So.  Here we go........

Day 01 - A picture of yourself with fifteen facts.

Day 02 - A picture of you and a friend you have been close with for awhile.

Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show.

Day 04 - A picture of favorite missed memory.

Day 05 - A picture of you and the person you've had the best memories with.

Day 06 - A picture of a person you’d love to trade places with for a day.

Day 07 - A picture of you and someone you'd be lost without .

Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh.

Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.

Day 10 - A picture of your favorite sport or favorite athlete.

Day 11 - A picture of something you hate.

Day 12 - A picture of something you love.

Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist.

Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without.

Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die.

Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you.

Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently.

Day 18 - A picture of your biggest insecurity.

Day 19 - A picture of you when you were little.

Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you’d love to travel.

Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget.

Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at.

Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book.

Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change.

Day 25 - A picture of your day.

Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you.

Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member.

Day 28 - A picture of something you’re afraid of.

Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile.

Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss.

Day 31 - A picture of what you wore today.

Day 32 - A picture of what you did today.

Day 33 - A picture of you doing something you love.

Day 34 - A picture of your morning.

Day 35 - A picture that reminds you of someone.

Day 36 - A picture of someone you wish you still talked too.

Day 37 - A picture of what you like to do.

Day 38 - A picture of your favorite drink.

Day 39 - A picture of your favorite food.

Day 40 - A picture of your friends.

Day 41 - A picture of your dream cell phone.

Day 42 - A picture of your I pod.

Day 43 - A picture of your room.

Day 44 - A picture that describes your life.

Day 45 - A picture of what you did today.

Day 46 - A picture of you and 5 secrets.

Day 47 - A picture of something you can't live without.

Day 48 - A picture of you more than 10 years ago.

Day 49- A picture of you and your best friend(s).

Day 50 - A picture of yourself with 20 facts. (read less)

Friday, January 28, 2011

Happy Birthday ME for yesterday!

And it was a happy birthday!

I had presents and cards from my son, a lovely card which almost made me cry from J (I'd already had my present, and man, I love the iPad!), chocolates from various people in my lovely class, I had about a million (no.  really.  almost!) Happy Birthdays on Facebook, I had a very interesting afternoon looking at the Boxhall Profile, which I will be using as it looks at a child's emotional state (and I must leave a note for Chef Penny with some links!) and then I came home with Rachel and her two children, had a brew whilst the children played, then went out to Frankie and Benny's for steak tea!

Do birthdays get better than that?

(rhetorical question, no need to answer!)

Did I ever think I'd have as good a birthday as that? Nope.

Life is good.  Life will be good.

We go onto BT homehub in about a week as well, which will enable lots more wirelessing to be going on.  Unfortunately it'll mean new email addresses as well, but I've downloaded all of the outlook mails I have to Rich that BG might ever need or want to see, so they are there for her, and it's all going to be good.

I insist........ ;-)

Thursday, January 27, 2011


And it will be.

I've decided.

Later's lovely peoples!  I have an iPad full of Ed Psych documents to read lol!

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Cheats and Liars.

I knew the He-Ex was low, but I always believed he could be better.  I really did.  And now he's playing the martyr because I said he was manipulative and a liar.  I think someone who tells you that they can't afford to pay for something because they have spent all their money on going to see their infirm mother, and then goes off for a weekend to Amsterdam, is indeed a manipulative liar.

Part of me knows I should CSA him.  Part of me knows that I have to be the bigger person about this, rise above it and carry on regardless.

In other news, OfSTED like what I do!  Hang out the bunting and party!  I am officially ACE!  There will be more details as I am able to give them, but I can't right now. :-(

Thankyou for all your prayers though.  One more day, and they are out of our lives for 3 years.


Sunday, January 23, 2011


Still working.

Now it's just the stuff I would do anyway.  In fact, aside from catching up on the marking, most of what I would do is the stuff I would have done anyway.  That's a good feeling, because if the OfSTED goes ok, it means that every day I'm doing my job the right way.

I've written as a parent as well, to say that the care that the AC has received through the school has been the best it could have been, that he has been supported, loved and pushed through when he needed it.  And I bawled my eyes out whilst I was writing it.

There have now been 2 suggestions that I go for counselling.  The trouble is that I think people think I sit and cry all the time, and I don't, it's just every now and again, and that is perfectly natural at this stage of grieving.  Now it's about all the future that we could have had, and didn't, hence my post the other day about the other trouser leg of time.

Maybe I'll look into it again.  I'm not afraid of it, and that's more honest with myself than doping with little white pills would be.  For me, those would be the lazy way out, because this isn't depression, this is grief.  There is a massive difference.


Numeracy APP.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Shattered, but hopeful

I still have a list of things to do as long as anything you can ever think of.  However, I remain secure in the belief that the Will of God will never take me where the Hand of God cannot keep me and so there is less to worry about.

And at some point I  must blog properly on that as a concept.

Anyway, I'm going into work.  On a Saturday.....

Friday, January 21, 2011

Guess who's coming to dinnnnnnneeeeerrrrrrr?

Go on.



For those of you not of an English persuasion, that's the schools inspection team.  They''re coming on Monday for 2 days.  This is not good news.

However, I can't say more about that now, so I shall just say that apparently the He-Ex (although he can't pay proper maintainance or for half of the AC's shoes properly) has just spent the weekend away, not even bothering to try and contact his son over it, as he insists on doing every weekend, which is fine (the contacting, not the not-contacting)

However, I have to say that the AC didn't ask about his father.  Or ask to call him.  I suggested it, but he said that he (AC) was busy.

Ho hum.


Thursday, January 20, 2011

Flowers.... and appreciation.....


I will upload a picture of them later, because they got left at school because Wednesday is A Horrible Busy Day after school, but I was given flowers yesterday.

By a parent.

For taking such good care of his child.

Part of me giggled a bit and thought "Ho hum, that's m'job!"  and part of me was touched really deeply that someone had taken the time to go to the shop (and these were not a bunch from Tesco or the garage!) and to buy a thankyou card, and to write it, and then to drive to school at lunchtime to get them to me.

There are days when being a teacher is amazingly unappreciated.  This was not one of them.

It's started today off with a smile just thinking about them!  Thankyou C's dad.  You're lovely!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

And up we get again....

Yesterday was a sudden and dramatic slip into grief again.  It roared through me like a thunderstorm yesterday morning, at school, but before the children were in. A few did look at me strangely and one did ask if I was ok - I don't cry attractively.  It's all blotches and snot.

I was surprised by it, and by the all consuming need that I had, at that moment, for Rich.  I would have done anything to have him home.  Anything.  Given up anything, gone anywhere, done whatever it took, just to see him once more.  I sobbed all over a friend for a few moments, then made a cup of tea and faced the day, because what else is there to do?

She asked if I've had counselling (sp?!) but it's never materialised, and I've been thinking I'm doing ok.  To a vast extent, I am.  And I don't need little white pills, or anything like that to maintain a stability, this kind of grieving for the love that we had, but also for the future that we should have had - the children, the holidays, the Landy shows, the..... everything!  That all is being wept for as well.

I know that there is a bright new future out there, and that it will be as excellent as I choose for it to be, and I love it and intend to choose most rightly, but the old future, the other trouser leg of time, still needed to be mourned.  There may well never be more children now, and I think that's something I got my head around yesterday.  The AC may well be all there ever is.  That's a shocker, when Rich and I were thinking of at least two more.

Anyway, I have to pull myself up by my own bootstraps, and face the day.  I found an excellent quote this morning which describes how I feel, perfectly.

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day, saying "I will try again tomorrow." Mary Anne Radmacher. 

Laters lovely peoples, laters.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Body check

I woke up this morning and did a quick body assessment.

Back (spasms).
Hip (arthritis)
Knee (waiting to see orthopedic surgeon)
Feet (nerve pain - possibly hip related)

Who cares though?  Perspective and pain killers (when absolutely necessary) can take care of it all.

It's all good.  It's all a matter of perspective.  It's all about the smile and the game face and the love.

I love the love.

Play on peoples.

Monday, January 17, 2011

18 months.

In the other trouser leg of time, Rich didn't go on his bike, and didn't die.  In the other leg, one of our babies survived, and is sleeping in a Moses basket next to me. In the other leg, Lori has been horrendous since the baby was well on the way, and has told BG we love the baby more than her.  AC is a happy and loved child, relishing being a big brother. In the other leg, I am still a RAF girlfriend, and our world is a secure, safe, filled place.

But in a different leg, he went on his  bike, and had the accident and survived.  In that leg, he is paraplegic, consistently in awful pain, (for such were his injuries) and is finally home with us.  In that leg, he is not the man he was, is angry at life in a chair, hates the restrictions, but is trying to be brave and stoical.  In that leg, Lori has finally, mockingly, divorced him, as he is no good to her anymore, and we are married.

In this leg, he went on his bike, and it is 18 months since he died.  In this leg, J is asleep upstairs, and our 9 month old love is wrapped around both of us.  In this leg, AC is thinking about how lucky he is to have had two stepdads who love him and look after him, just in different ways now that Rich has died.  In this leg, we are blessed by T-boy, more grandparents, and a silence from over the Pond.  In this leg tentative questions have been asked, and answered, and the world is a good and love filled place.

In all the legs, and the ones I haven't considered, there are good things and bad.

But he did go on his bike, and he did die, and I did hold his hand in the Chapel of Rest, and I do love him.  Today I am thinking about the Chapel a lot.  For some reason I can remember the feel of his uniform, the smell of the rosemary, lavender and thyme we placed around him, the feel of his staff in my hand as I laid it in his coffin, and the feel of his hand and arm as I moved it to around his staff properly.  I can see the scars of his body, and the cloth that covered his feet for reasons only I now know.  I can feel the touch of his skin, his hair in my fingers as I ran my hand through it, the feel of the flag, the strength of the medal.  For some reason, today, all that is accompanying me where ever I go, whatever I do.

And in a weird way, it's ok.  It's not something that I was horrified by, or traumatised by, or something that gives me nightmares.  I don't just remember him that way, or just remember the things the lovely undertaker lady said that day, I remember all kinds of things, but sometimes there is nothing until I need it, or want it.  And other days, like today, it's like I'm living two moments at once.

But in this leg, I can be held in strong arms that cherish me, I can be tickled by not-so-little hands that love me, I can go to work with friends who support us, and today is a day that I can do.

Unlike the first month.

Time does...... change things..........

*I* remember.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Playing when I should be working.

I had a little tweakette of the ol' blogarooni this morning.  Shabbyblogs, who are gorgeously sharing and caring about their FREE backgrounds have changed servers, so I had to have a little look, and change a few things, and there we are!

I like it.

In other news, life is good.  MEd work is hard (and if anyone would like to read a copy of my essay then just comment me and I'll 'mail it to you) and teaching is harder when parents are selfish and unreasonable.

Yes, it's all to do with the divorce case that I can't talk about, and another child who has an incredibly selfish mother, and and and......  I am sure, for these children, He weeps.

I am also up to the heaviest I have been in a loooooong time.  10st10.  150lbs.  Not good when you are only 5ft3.  In the overweight category according to the little lines.  Ho Hum.  Breakfast...... ;-)

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Can't get going!

I seem to be running on slow this morning!

I've fixed the router in the short term, although it's still not wirelessing as accurately as we would like, so it looks like we are getting a new router.  J wants to go Sky.  I'd like BT HomeHub with the Wifi anywhere, so I'm calling both companies tonight to see what that looks like.

School has some very hurting and complex children in it right now, and that's without the boys I spoke of a few days ago being back.

Here has some loving and happy people in it, and that's the way it should be.

I was talking to J on Sunday, about bullying, about the way He-ex and the She-ex bullied Rich and I, and looking at Maslow to see where their deficiency lay that made them act that way.  It's all emotional, which is why they are both worse at different times of the year.  And if it's emotional, can I blame them for their bullying behaviour?  The answer I came to was that I cannot blame them for their anger, or their bitterness, because that's emotion, and how a person feels cannot be changed.  But I can blame them for their bullying, for their continued nastyness and their horrific attitudes after Rich's death.  And because I can blame them, I can start to say "Yes, this is something concrete that you did, now I can work on forgiveness." because there is something there to forgive.

Did any of that make sense to anyone else?

and it's almost 7 and I should be dressing!

Monday, January 10, 2011

Back. Off and on.

The router has decided that wireless is for wimps.

I am going to attempted to upgrade the firmware, and see what happens.

Or we get a new router.

Either way, it will all be working soon, and I can let you all know what's going on in my life.

Headlines so far.....

Planning is working - but for how long?
Unreasonable Ex's, and their sheer stupidity.
Soup - should it be creamy or chunky?
Nits - why am I a teacher?

Amongst other things.....

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Waiting to know for certain.

Yesterday night I had a phone call from a colleague. She had heard through FB that the father of a family at our school had died. I have one of the children, she has the other, and he is AC's very good friend. At one point she said "I can only imagine what she is going through - but you'd know better than most.". She wanted to let me know so I could get my head around it and then it wouldn't be some massive shock in the staffroom today.

But I can only imagine what it is like. I don't know for sure what she feels. Nobody knows how you feel and the most annoying thing is "you must be feeling x y z" no I don't have to must feel anything.

Anyway, please pray. She has three boys, the oldest is in my room, the youngest hasn't even started school yet. Those poor boys. And pray for AC, that he can be strong for his friend.

Monday, January 3, 2011

The slings and arrows.......

Of outrageous fortune. Or something like that.

AC sat today and opened the bow box for the first time in a long time. Over a year. And there were no tears, just smiles, and remembering being shown it before, and then we looked at pictures of Rich from Nathan's party, and there was some quietness but more smiles and no tears, and it was all good.

I still miss him, the best friend I have ever had - and I've got some fabulous friends - but it is nicer to look at things with AC and not cry. 

Back to your regular programmes..........

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Yesterday was all about.......

..... the essay.

And it is DONE! *cue balloons, fanfares, party poppers, ticker tape, etc*

New Years Day was all about the Baja's.

Radio controlled cars.

They run on petrol.  AC is a great petrol carrier.

And trees.  He sat in trees a lot.  He likes trees.  And I love this picture.

I love him.

Today we're going back to L to take T-boy back to his mother after his weekend here.  Then we're stripping the whole of the dining room out so that we can have carpet put down in here tomorrow.  Carpet in two rooms!  Whoooooop! lol!  It means moving Cassie though, and that's a big job.  She's a bit close to shedding at the moment and is a tad on the grumpy side.  Monty has finally completed his shed after covering everything inside his tank with skin, but he's tucked up in AC's room, and is a happy camper.

And now I have to shower and get on.

(The to-do list book is going really well.  I like it!)

Saturday, January 1, 2011

It's a New Year....


*poke* and it looks like it might be ok.

Happy New Year peoples!

Happy New Year BG.  We love you.