Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Just when you think it can't get any worse...

.... it does.

And that's ok.

I can cope, I can deal with it, and I will not give in.

I have friends I can call on, and I did, and then spent the evening at a local base, drinking beer and eating pizza. Well. I had a beer and 3 slices of pizza.

We watched some John Dunham. I did some thinking. I thought about the shock I had had earlier in the day, the sense of anger and loss, and I began to grok it.

I'll get there.

But not tonight. Tonight I'm going to bed.

Tonight I choose to ignore the stupidness of the day, and think about watching a film.

We watched War of the Worlds, with Tom Cruise. We sat together on the sofa and watched it. When I woke up, it was almost over, and I was lying snuggled up against Rich. He had his arm along me - not round me, just along me. He was watching the film, and absent mindedly drawing patterns on my arm with his finger. And I realised this was a good friend. I only ever fall asleep on people I really trust. We stayed up so late that night, talking, eating cheese on toast and drinking tea, sat on the back step, it was hardly worth me going to bed when he left, but it cemented our friendship, totally.

He was my best friend, the best I had. He grokked me in a way no other person ever has.

To bed then, to dream of bad films!

Over a week....

.. since the Celebrations.

I still haven't heard what the BG thought about it all, and I guess that's the way it is. She wasn't able to be there, so I guess it was just another set of pictures for her. And that's ok. I'd rather that for her than the AC's broken heartedness any day. I love her, I don't want her in pain. I love him, I don't want him in pain, but he has lost the man he loved and wanted to be, so of course, he is. She has a different pain, I guess, and I'm glad it's not possible for it to be the harsh one of constant reminder.

At the end of this week it will be 4 weeks since Rich died. Monday will be a calendar month. Already.

And life is still carrying on. The sun rises and sets, the people come and go, the flies get on my nerves, the world turns. The AC and I are emerging from the flooding of our grief, into the calmness of the aftermath, into the functioning that has to occur.

Today I need to do lots of things.

Find the table again after excavating the dining room side thing. Dad and I are going to look at completing a lot of the work that Rich and he had discussed about the house, that Rich had asked for help or advice on, or had just said what his plans were. So we're going to rack all this wall, and bookshelve it! Wooo!

Clean the kitchen sides - it always needs doing lol! Just a wipe, but it's a plan.

Sew more pinwheels.

Plan the cover.

Obviously get showered and dressed and so on.

Phone Annilee.


Think about the rest of the holidays with the AC - we only have 3 weeks left at the end of this week! He's had a good time with his father, he loved going to the Armoury, we've had day trips to Sandringham with Rachel and her children and so on.

Phone about driving lessons.

Phone about theory test/ Hazard Perception Test

Be still and know that He is God.

Watch ANTM. - you want to make something of that? lol!

Make a bank appointment to open the AC's new bank account.

Write Church notices.

Sort through Rich's clothes from the clean washing pile. (Not looking forward to this, although lots of it is just pants and socks in there)


It's a long list, and other things will go on it and things will come off of it, but so far today I have completed my inital morning routine - up, clothes, feed Fudge, feed Joe, hair, cup of tea, emails. I need to start adding things to that slowly, ready for back to school. We have to be organised for back to school. Mum and I are doing an ASDA run for school uniform at some point soon, and I'll get the AC's shoes, trainers and plimsolls in town after payday, I also need to make him a dentists appointment and an eye check.


Second cup of tea, and then on we get!