Thursday, September 30, 2010

Still excited!

I'm still very excited.

I've wanted to do my Masters for so long now, about 10 years really, that the idea that I am about to start it is amazing me.

This year is funded by the County, as part of my continuing professional development.  Next year I'll need to find about £2,500 for the fees, and the same the following year, plus books and so on.  But then I'll have an M.Ed, and be able to get a job more or less anywhere.  I'll still be at the school I'm at now until the AC finishes there, but he's only got 4 years left and then the world is the mollusc of our choice!

There are so many opportunities for us now, for us as a family, to go and do all kinds of things, because the extra qualifications means that I will be paid a bit extra (about £3,000 a year) and that it will prove that I do know what I am talking about.  Some parents only listen to someone with a piece of paper that proves they know more about what is up with that child.  Some parents still won't listen, but hey. *shrug*  That's up to them.

Which reminds me....... ADHD news item says that there is a genetic line for ADHD.  If you see this and get excited - don't.  What they actually found out was that 15% of those with ADHD had genetic anomolies, as opposed to 7% in the control group.  Even that study says that it is still early childhood experiences - up to the age of 5 - that are still the lead cause of ADHD.  If a child experiences trauma, upset and neglect in the first few years, then they are more likely to show symptoms of ADHD.  The study then goes on to claim that it is not bad parenting that causes ADHD.  That's as may be - although in my mind deliberately causing trauma and neglect to a child, whether physical, emotional or sensory is bad parenting - but in school, time and time again, it is bad parenting that makes the situation worse.  We can dress it up all we like in social worker words, but it is bad parenting.

Anyway, I'll know even more about that all soon (ADHD, not bad parenting lol!) and I am still very very very excited!

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Birmingham have phoned and.....

...... I'm on the course!

I'm going to do the first part of my Masters degree!

Social, Emotional and Behavioural Difficulties  

I am a very over excited girly, and praising God with all my soul!  WHOOP WHOOP!

Cross country today

Not as in travelling though.  With any luck that will be the weekend although it's looking less and less likely now.  I still haven't heard about my course, although my application went to panel yesterday.  I think I might have to pull it for this year and apply again next year.  That might mean having to be self funded, and I'd have to consider how much that would mean for the family.

It's a tough one.

No, the cross country I mean is the running one! Yay!  the AC is looking forward to it, lots of my children are looking forward to it, some aren't, but they'll get over it.  Then this afternoon is KS2 harvest, where I am playing for the 5/6's to do their play.

It's all good.

As for the weekend?  It went well in the end.  The party was good, the emotions were manageable as I now know more about what I need to do - i.e. have a damn good cry, get it out of my system and move on with it.  If I try and deny the emotion it just builds up further.

T-boy was better behaved this weekend, and the boys generally got on much better.

We had a friend round for tea last night, and that was lovely as well!  I did a roast chicken dinner which takes no effort at all really, and tonight is pork chops and cauliflower cheese.  I have gone so far as to plan a proper menu this week as well.  The shopping is all done for it, and I am determined that I can get ahead with this.


Phonics planning.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Party time?

I'm at a party. And I'm in the loo, blogging, because this is the wrong party. I should be at Rich's party, celebrating his birthday yesterday, not here, at J's mates 40th.

I told J last night. I love you, but I miss my friend.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Mmmmmmm! That time of the year again!

Mmmmmmmmmm.  Oh yes!

It's that time of the year again!  I splurged with the cheque that came in earlier in the week, and I hit Organised Mum with a vengance.

Oh yes.

I have a new diary, a new calendar, and a shopping list/menu maker fridge magnet thing.  Tonight, as a reward for finishing the literacy books, (assuming I do!) then I'll update everything that I can in the diaries. I am SO EXCITED!

I love the family life book diary.  It's great.  As a family we need, yes, NEED, the calendar up an on the wall, and then I copy it onto the week thing on the fridge so that we all know what's going on.  Loving it.

But right now I need to go and make roast chicken tea.


Tuesday, September 21, 2010

no teaching today!

I have the day off!

Well.  Hardly.
 I have the beginnings of a cold and a thumping headache.  We have very little food in the house.  I have a thousand tonnes of work to do (that's imperial tonnes, not metric ones)  I have a mental countdown going on in my head.  I smell.

On the other hand.....

I have the morning on ICT monitoring time and the afternoon on PPA, as is usual on a Tuesday. We have plenty of money in the bank for us (hurrah for insurance finally coming through!)  I have love to support me though the mental countdown.  We have a lovely shower.

This whole Pollyanna thing is still harder than it looks sometimes, but it's getting easier.

This time last year (2009) I was talking about Proverbs.

I am settling into our new life, new routines, new things.

I miss the old one.

But there is Proverbs 17:22 I heard the other day.

"A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones."

And it drieth the bones of all around it as well. I didn't let the world break my spirit when I was with him and it tried, and I won't let it break me when he's not here.

The post also talked about me getting to phone BG, which I was never allowed to do in the end.

the year before?  2008 was about love and planning a baby together.  It's all good, in so many ways now.  What am I supposed to do?  Cry forever?  I have a son, and I can't indulge that.  

I'm having my happy ending, dammit Janet.....

Saturday, September 18, 2010

The end of that post.....


Yesterday I was blogging about the way I felt on the 14month deathiversary.  I was talking about how moving on feels.  About how we have to move on.

Not moving on is a sign of guilt, in my book.  Not being able to let go, not being able to say "Ok, that was that." tells me that there is something that hasn't been dealt with.  I was terrible over Steve for a long time, and that was because I felt bad about leaving him when I did.  I knew I had to go, that there wasn't another choice, that his parents were supporting me, but I still wanted things to work out well for him.

I can't have any guilt over Rich.  I know he was happy on the day he died, that he loved me to the end of the world, and back, and that he was happy with his life the way it was.  The shadow of BG's absence was going to be dealt with, and we were trying for a family of our own. 

Because he was happy, I can move on.

I have.

I miss him so much that I could throw up some days. I miss his smile, his touch, his laugh, his stupid jokes and his OMW texts to tell me he'd see me soon.  I miss the way he held me, the way he listened to me, the way he talked about the big things in life as well as the small things.  I miss my friend.  My bestest ever friend.  The one person who has ever really "got" me.

J will, I have complete faith in that.  Rich wouldn't have lined us up if that wasn't so.  And yes, I believe that.

Weird thing the other day - The canteen lady was asking about J, and I was explaining how we met and so on, and how he used to work with Rich and how Rich liked him and so on.  She said "Well, if Rich liked him I'm sure he would have wanted you to be happy." At that very point, Don't Stop Me Now, the song we had at the end of his cremation, came on the radio.  I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, because it's not the first time, by a long way, that that kind of thing has happened. 

Anyway, it's time for tea and work and so on.  I love the fact that J knows I miss Rich, and misses him too, and doesn't mind when I cry for Rich in the dark of the night.  I love the way he supports the AC in his love for us all.

Laters people, from a very lucky girl.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Just a few words

This morning we were talking about the weekend. We had planned to move the bedrooms round, but now it looks like things are conspiring against us. J's parents are coming on saturday, and we have to seed the old house lawn before the 22nd, so we'll make a start. I said this to him this morning and he said "We've got the rest of our lives love!"

What a lovely idea.

The rest of our lives. Together. A girl can dream......

14 months today. It's a Friday and it's the 17th. It's just before his birthday, just before the she-ex went back on her word and took his daughter, just before he had a nervous breakdown, caused by her actions.

I miss him. I love him and miss him like a brother, or a best friend who knew everything about me. I can't miss him sexually or as a lover anymore. We move on because it hurts too much

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone


Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Back to school soon

We go back on Thursday.

Rather, I go back on Thursday, and the children go back on Monday.  Jack is taking time off work to look after the Adorable Child whilst I'm at work Thursday and Friday.

Financially I've made a bit of a boo-boo, but we'll get over it.  Mostly it's because I kind of assumed his father would be taking responsibility by now, but he isn't. I think it'll have to be CSA, however, I've just sent a reply to his solicitors letter that I had at the start of August saying that he wasn't going to pay anything any more.  The reply was....

Dear Solicitor Lady,
Thankyou for your letter dated 4th August 2010.  I am sorry that you have been set to the trouble of writing about something which He-Ex and I had already sorted out.  However, as he has chosen to place things on a more formal setting, I am emailing you a formal reply, with the options which I feel are available to us at this present time.
1) He-Ex can start paying maintainance again on the 1st September, at 15% of his earnings, as detailed by the court.
2) He-Ex can start paying maintainance again on the 1st September, at 15% of his pension, plus 50% of any school related items I have to buy for AC.
3) He-Ex can choose not to start paying maintainance again on the 1st September, and we will allow an independent body to make the decision for us.  Obviously by this I mean the CSA as that is the professional body appointed in these kinds of cases.
4) He-Ex can chose not to start paying maintainance again on the 1st September, and I will apply for a Residency order for AC giving me sole parental responsibility for him.
As you have said in your letter, I do understand that He-Ex needs to try and maintain a place for AC to stay when he is with him, although this has now been decreased by He-Ex to one weekend a fortnight, with no midweek visiting.  This was He-Ex's decision and was difficult to explain to AC, although he understands now.  As for your instruction to "bear with" your client at this time, well, I've had to do that since he first walked out on AC and I at antenatal classes!  I have "borne with" him through depression, alcohol abuse, bullying, his time on ("Married father of one seeks discreet adult fun!")  amongst other things, and all before AC was a year old.  I "bore with" him for another 18 months after that, before he left claiming I had had an affair with a friend in London, (amongst other people!) when I was living in Marham with a dairy intolerant 2 year old and didn't drive! This latest debacle is nothing new.  As far as I was aware, we had sorted all this out on the doorstep, however, he has chosen to make this formal, and so now I await a formal reply from him, presumably via you.
I look forward to hearing from you,
As of yet, there is no reply......

School is so much easier.