Tuesday, August 25, 2009

The end of Tuesday

Well, I got to the end of Tuesday.

Joe the cat is on antibiotics. :-( The whole vet bill was about £25, which is ok, and will be just fine. He has 1/4 a tablet 2x a day.

I have had post, which I have deposited in the SEP field. All is well there.

I have had a friend round, which has been lovely, and she said some very sweet things, including that she had never heard me say a bad word about Rich. Not ever. She wishes she and her husband had the relationship we had.

I have eaten fusion cuisine. I had sausage gravy in the freezer. I made nuclear rice, mixed it in, called it risotto and plonked grated cheese on top. Yummy! It's a mix of American and Italian, see!

Lilly's quilt has been published in the magazine! A national magazine has put in my letter and picture because they liked what I made. And it got star letter, which means I gets a prize! Woo!

Life is ok you know.

There's a picture on my desktop right now, of the AC and Rich at the Landrover show last year, just playing about.

Rich was throwing the AC around, and the AC was loving it, as you can tell.

Happy days.

They played together a lot like that. They loved each other unconditionally, and without end. They played, they talked, they laughed, they told jokes, they gamed, they did it all together, as part of our family.

It's the family side of things I miss tonight. I miss him being sat behind me, talking over our week, planning where to take the AC at the weekend, chatting about the visit to Wales, just being together.

We talked about everything. It was the key to what made us great. To why I never said a bad word about him - because I never had to.

I love him.

I love him.

Right now, it seems incomprehensible that he won't just walk in. That he isn't just away somewhere, that he won't just turn up.

Oh, I know he won't, there is an ache deep inside me that says he won't. There is a hunger in my body for his touch, a need to hear his voice, the want to be kissed in the special way he kisses me, like I'm the only person in the world for that moment.

But I love him.

I may not be his next of kin, his legal wife, or any of that.
I may not have entitlement to even the flag off of his coffin nor yet to know where he is finally laid to rest.

But I love him.

And I look around, and I see him everywhere. His clothes are in my wardrobe and his shoes are by my bed and his cup is in my cupboard and the things he loves surround my son and I. We may not have the pomp and ceremony of saying that I am his widow, nor yet the pension that goes with it, but I know he loves me, and I know what he felt about the She-Ex, and how badly she needed to hang onto to that piece of paper to cling to him, and I am at peace with that. I truly hope she is at peace with what she has done to him, and to BG. I look around me, and I know he is here with me, and I know that he will be around for as long as he wants to be, and as long as I want him to be, and that eventually, we will be together, in whatever form that takes.

Because I love him.
Because he loves me.
Because he loves the children.

And because I love him, this hurts.

And that's ok.


I think it's Tuesday.

I often have problems with Tuesdays. And this feels like a problem day, so it must be a Tuesday.

Today I need to

Take Joe to the vet at 3pm
Go into town and pick up a few bits, (going to do that first thing)
Finish washing and drying all the school uniform clothes and put them away.
Sort out space in the bedroom.
Reset Mya the baggage.
Write a blogpost on grokking, which I *still* haven't done.
Ring Electric company and see if I can pay my bill yet.
Throw a couple of things in the SEP field.
Start church notices
Think about whether I should do the Sunrise Walk
Get a shuffle on!

Not many things lol, but enough.

You don't know what you've got....

... til it's gone.

And I don't mean Rich and I, we knew what we had lol.

I mean the He-Ex, who is now on his third lecherous text this week. Maybe it's just oversensitive on my part (although I think not, I know this man's modus operandi!) but really, texting your bereaved ex-wife to say she looked lovely in her top and he appreciated the view is just not on.

If it was so great, why go looking elsewhere on the internet when we were married?

It was one of the things that got Rich and I together though - the fact we shared the same problem with our Ex's, so I suppose it was good in one way lol.

Anyway, it's bedtime.

I've just been texting with a chap I know, very lovely bloke, very supportive, and I was just thinking about all the times that all Rich and I had was text. It's amazing what you can say and send in a text. He used to text me when he left work, even if it was just "omw!" so I knew when to expect him. He used to text to say he loved me, or that he missed me. I used to text him pictures of my underwear in the morning so he knew what I was wearing when he was away lol. It started his day with a smile!

I went to text him whilst we were at Carolines, and of course, I realised that he would never get that text. That broke me all over again for a little while.

But it was ok, and I got through that bit, and that's what I'll keep doing, just getting through it, slowly, but surely. AC is camping with his father and I miss him, but more than me missing him I want him to know his father in the same way he knew his stepdaddy, I want him to spend time with his father in the way the BG was prevented from doing, and now never will. I want that, more than I want the AC home.

And I want Rich home more than anything, but I know it isn't going to happen.

I also know he loves me though, and that is worth the world. At least we knew what we had, and it wasn't wasted.