Friday, April 24, 2009


That's how I felt when R walked into my school and found me chatting to Mrs M. I turned around and there he was, so gorgeous, so tall, so amazing, so exuding love and pleased to see me. I leapt up and hugged him there and then.

I didn't care.

I love him. I love him. I LOVE HIM!

That's how I feel today. He is amazing and I am blessed to having him in my life. It stuns me how, after 3 years, and all the rubbish that's been thrown at us by others, that we are so strong together, that we fit each other so well, and that seeing him makes me so complete. (as well as other feelings too rude for on here lol!)

We came home. Later, we went to Tesco for chicken and milk and so on, and now here we are.

I'm doing work and blogging, he's sorting out a few bits on the computer, and we are just being us. Happy, together, and loving.

Y'see, that's all we've ever wanted. A slightly boring life, seeing friends every now and again, going out as a family on the weekend, working, coming home, and raising a family the best way that we know how. And we do know how lol. Well, we know how for us! It doesn't suit everyone, but it suits us.

And now, to a quiet evening!


Apparently I think that the She-Ex is horrible.

That's news.

I can think of a number of words I could use, some less charitable than others, but she is not horrible. Sometimes her behaviours are horrible, but then that's what she does, not who she is, and part of my job deals with difficult children, so I am able to separate an action from an intention and from a way of being.

There are issues with BG's education, but those issues are going to be wherever BG goes, and at the moment she is in a good school, with a good teacher, and she is settled. That's not broke, and trying to fix that is a daftness.

I think it's hard for the She-Ex to even think that I might like her for who she is, and be able to ignore her actions. I can't always ignore her actions, but I can choose to put them down to self-centredness as opposed to nastyness, to a disregard for the feelings of others, rather than a malicious intent to wound us.

Sometimes, the words she uses are hard to do that with. Sometimes, when she says

"i'm glad you are, so am i...when she realizes that he really is just a monkey wearing a uniform with no personality and no decency...." or the immortal "go an f*** the hamster" or "I hate you"

it's hard to separate those.

When there's not a birthday card, or a Fathers day card, or anything like that, it's hard. There were some lovely presents this year, but BG seemed to know nothing about them, and they had been sent from the shop to us, but then with the postal the way it is, that's not so unusual. But all he wants, is a card.

Ah well.

Time to be up and moving on.

Oh, I didn't post this!

I'm trying not to be petty and small minded, and I'm trying to give her another chance to show how nice she is. I know she is, but I almost always get the grim side of her. And everytime i ask why, it's because R and I are happy in a way that they never were and apparently she never will be, and he could have done all these things for her that he does for me. So we're emailing back and forth at the moment, mainly about BG's education. I'll keep it light, but I have a list of criteria, and if I need to, I will just walk away, and leave her to it. She has a good, well paid job, so I know she doesn't *need* the maintainance in the same way that she used to, so it won't bother me if she doesn't get it on time, if you see what I mean.

But it's the morning, and must make a shimmy on!

In the still of the night...

In the still of the night,
I see your face.
I feel your hand in mine,
I hear your voice.

In the bustle of the day,
I see nothing
I feel nothing
I hear nothing

But in the peace of the night
We play,
We laugh,
We sing,
We dance.

In the heat of the day,
I run
I mark,
I teach,
I work.

But in the quietness of the evening,
I feel your memory coming.
I clean, I quilt, I read, I cook,
I can not, will not, think of you.
But your approach speeds with the leaving of the sun,
As the stars shine down,
I know you are here.
And when I sleep,
We are together.

I wake with tears in my eyes,
A smile on my lips,
And an ache in my heart,
Yearning, for the still of the night.