Saturday, April 11, 2009


Our Lord has written the promise of resurrection, not in books alone, but in every leaf in springtime.
Martin Luther

Tomorrow is Easter Sunday. In fact, in about 39 minutes is the start of Easter Sunday. We have a 1030 service, which I'll go to, and the AC might, depending on how he feels - currently better than before, but not great.

We have eggs, for R to supply from the Oester Hare.
We have pancakes for lunch and chicken and bacon pasta for tea.
We have cuddles and snuggles galore to share.

In short, everything is good.

But when I read this quote, I had to post it.

Our Lord has written the promise of resurrection, not in books alone, but in every leaf in springtime.
Martin Luther

It is every leaf in springtime, it is every small baby, it is every sunrise, it is in every new moment in this world. And it is why R and I think that everything will be fine. It will all be fine. Our old lives have gone and R and I have been resurrected from the horror that they were before to the glory that they are now. We have been resurrected into whole human beings, complete in what we need to live and grow, able to take the decisions that were made for us by others and live with them, accepting those decisions although we will never, ever be able to enjoy them. How could we enjoy the fact that we can't see BG?

But we have to fight our way through the resentment that we feel for the selfishness that made that decision, and look at it anew, to rise through it and seek our own resurrection of forgiveness for the person who made that decision.

We have resurrected our lives from the shambles that the lies of our Ex's, the destruction of our trust, and obviously the BG's departure left us in. We have, and we will carry on doing so.

Easter Sunday is an important day for us. It reminds us of really getting to know each other, of bringing ourselves together, of resurrecting hopes, dreams and trust in another person, of the love of a relationship with another person.

Of Doctors and Dwarfs

Obviously, I'm not talking about going to the real dr because any of us are dwarfs.

I'm talking Dr Who and Red Dwarf.

The first was quite fabulous, and watched by Mum and Dad, who came here because they needed to go to Homebase so they came here rather than us go there, CP who turned up because it was Saturday, R, AC and I.

AC and I snuggled on the floor under his blanket, and we loved it. Right up to the point where they look down the gravity well (nope, no spoilers, don't worry!) and he pipes up "My dads friend jumped off the 4th floor of the car park. She died." Ooooooookaaaaaaayy!

And then a little later, when there's a chap saying to the Dr "I love you, I really love you, I love you!" because he's so impressed with what the Dr has done (see what I mean - no spoilers!) and the AC pipes up "Is he gay or something?"

*double take*

I ignored it, based on the idea that I'm not telling him off and making a big deal out of it, and just said that he was happy to see the Dr.

But when did this happen? When did my son become aware of suicide and homosexuality? Is this the end of his innocence?

Well, no, not really.

He doesn't really understand how death works, and he has no idea about sex. He's 5. Why would he know about sex? He knows boys are different to girls, he knows babies are grown inside a lady, he knows what he needs to know. He asked how babies came out, I told him, he thought I was making it up. That's fine! If we ever need to, we'll sit and watch a few episodes of Homebirth Diaries and he'll know what he needs to know. Job done.

But where does he get his information?

I know his father has told him about condoms. I know his father has told him about homosexuality. I didn't agree with it - he was 4. But what do I know? I'm just his mother lol!

He's going to be year 2 next year. Lots of questions will come up, and we'll deal with them as we they arrive. Little Brothers baby is due on Monday, so that's going to be cause of questions I expect. And if it isn't, it's all good, he'll find out when he's ready.

And yes, the Dr Who Easter Special was fabulous, the Red Dwarf 2 of 3 was fabulous, and now it's Red Dwarf "Polymorph." I need to snack.

I'm awake because I had a 4 hour nap earlier, (and R tidied the front room for me! I love him!) and so now I'm having a pint and a snack.

Rock and roll! LOL!

Out on the bike today!

I am so looking forward to going out on the bike with R today.

We are just going over to my parents (he's not convinced mum is ok to drive, but no doubt she'll phone and say she is lol!) to collect Easter eggs and so on. He likes spending time with my parents, which is nice, because I do as well! They like him, and accept him the way he is, which makes a big difference to his life.

Yesterday did not go to plan as my little nappette of 60 mins turned into a major sleep of almost 5 hours and I was asleep when he got in! However, he nipped to Tesco to get milk and so forth, and by the time he was back the kitchen was clean and the front room was started, (aside from CP's computer stuff which is all over the floor but is going some time this week.......) and tbh the whole downstairs is about 30 mins away from clean and tidy, so I'm not that bothered.

The bonus of him being back early was that he was able to phone the BG before she left on her trip, which was great, although she was distracted by going. We weren't sure if he would be able to talk to her after a series of not-very-helpful messages between the She-Ex and I yesterday. I had to ask the questions to get any information out of her after the initial email that came in response to me saying I didn't want to talk to her on the caravan/trailer issue. Never mind though. She has the hump because she doesn't know where R is during the week and what he's doing, but BG does. Well, BG was told because it directly affects her, so she was told, and she was excited about it. If she is choosing not to tell mummy because any talk of R upsets mummy, then that is not my problem. If mummy chooses not to ask, then that is not my problem. I haven't written about it on here, because I can't! He's RAF. Security is still an issue in this country at times (see the Easter raids) and so, weirdly enough, I have no intention of broadcasting where he is and what he's doing to the blogosphere, nor over easily intercepted email. So..................................................... tough!


Anyway R read through it all yesterday and was happy about what was said, accepted I'd just forstalled her looking for a row by saying I'm not talking about this, and then saying it again when she started to get wound up because I wouldn't tell her what was going on. I don't want to row with the She-Ex. I like her, when she's being nice, and I ignore her when she isn't, the same way I have for the last year, and it's been a much nicer year. I don't initiate contact (her mother forbade it lol!) but before then I hadn't initiated it for about 18 months. I will not be her emotional punching bag though, and if she wants a row she can look somewhere else for it, for a lot of reasons, but namely because it's better for the BG that there is no rowing between us. And after all, the BG is what matters to us, not the She-Ex, because she doesn't want to matter to us (she said!) and because she'll do what she likes anyway, (she said!)and because we don't matter to her (she said!) and their relationship is over lol!

Ex's are Ex's for a reason, as we say in this house and my word there are plenty of reasons from both of them at the moment.

Good news though! Next week looks like this.

Monday - R home til he leaves around 7 and the Caves are from Oxford are dropping in, who I haven't seen for 4 years on their way to Skegness. We'll go to the park and so on, and then in the evening the lovely Rachel will be coming back here to sit on the sofa and chat like we used to. She is such a good friend.

Tuesday - AC to dads, I do work for new school year.

Wednesday - AC at dad's, home at 6, I do report writing.

Thursday - going to Claire and Ellens to play

Friday AC to dads, Caroline and girls dropping in on thir way to Yarmouth, R home sometime probably.

What a lovely week!

There are some really tough bits in this week - like the BG's birthday - which is just a reminder of the fact that she is so far away and we haven't seen her in over 3.5 years. We'll manage though. We always do. We have to.


Well, I'm not starting the day like this lol!

I shall get some stuff done down here and then go back to bed! Got to make the most of him being home!