Monday, July 20, 2009


I just phoned his phone.

On purpose.

Knowing he wouldn't answer, just so I could hear his voice. I needed to. I will always need to hear him, to know him, to love him.

At the moment, everyone is saying they miss him, and they can't imagine what will happen without him.

No one else expected him to be lying beside them when they woke up.
No one else is expecting the door to bang open onto the wall as he staggers through with his bag and some random flowers for me.
No one else is expecting to be in the middle of their shower and hear him say "I see boooooobies!" or what happens next.
No one else is expecting him to be asking the AC to get on with getting his socks on or R will get them on for him, and the banter that ensued.
No one else is expecting to turn around, and just see him sat at the table behind them, or feel his hand wander over their shoulders as he walks past.
No one else is getting him a cup automatically, or hearing his voice in their head saying "Any chance of a cup of tea my gorgeous darling?"

No one else is expecting any of the million other tiny things that are happening.

I knew what I had before it was gone, and for that I will always think I am so incredibly lucky.

The end of day 3

Actually, it's early in the morning of Day 4.

Who's counting? Cos if you are, get a life.

I've spent a while on GuildChat on WoW tonight, talking to the people that he talked to so many times a week, whilst they played online. I wanted them to hear from me what happened, what he was like, what he looked like, all those details. Several are coming to the Celebration and I will let them know about it as soon as I can. And I learnt some things about him tonight as well, that I will cherish, and maybe share another time.

I have emailed the She-Ex, and let her know stuff. I can't let her know lots of stuff, but I do love the BG so very very much, and she is all there is of her father now. So I have let her know what there is to know, kinda.

Today I did the press release, chose photos to go on the press release, went to town, told the people in Game (They are going to sort out the preorders he had) and went to find out what to do about his phone. Right now I'm leaving it on for a while to see who calls him and then let them know what has happened.

Thank goodness I can blog and let stuff out here. It means I'm not keeping it in, but the AC isn't seeing all of it either.

I have alternately been numb and utterly distraught today, as the realisation that the love of my life, has died. I won't say left me - that makes it sound like a choice. He had no choice, and the timing of this whole thing is incredibly bad, but right this minute, I'm coping, so whilst I am, I'm going to bed.