Stunned.
Angry.
Poleaxed.
I am all of those things.
I will explain it all later, but right now I am too p***** off to write about it. That's how angry I am. I'm swearing. Copiously.
Those of you who know me IRL will know that I don't, generally, and I have a pretty low opinion of those that do on a regular basis.
But today...... I am
Friday, July 24, 2009
This time last week....
.... today is already full of "This time last week....."
0620 This time last week I had just gone up to get him up. He was lying in bed, and awake but dozing. His hand came up over the covers and waved at me. Just like then, AC was still asleep. We had a murmured conversation about the day ahead, then I went down to make a cup of tea for him.
It was the little things that we did that were good. Making cups of tea for him, making his lunch in the mornings, those things. When he went away I would put postit notes in his bag, with "I love you" and "RH <3 SC 4ever" and "You're so gorgeous!" and "You make me smile."
Today I have lots to do. Parents at 10. Bank at 11. RAF at 2pm. The RAF are being brilliant and so very supportive towards AC and I as his family.
0633 This time last week he came down the stairs, looking like he'd been dragged through a hedge backwards, and with the two lines that he always got on his face from sleeping in the way he did. He waved at the AC - neither of them really speak in the mornings, and went to the shower.
I pottered about, doing spots of this and that. Talking to Sian on the messenger about the project the three boys are doing together long distance. Getting AC sorted. Chatting about the cup he had won the day before, and how proud we both were of him, how hard he was working, how much his behaviour was a good representation of us and of school.
It was last day of school, and Payday. We'd sailed a little close to the wire this month, and Payday was a welcome relief.
0657 R was out of the shower by now and on his way upstairs. The weather was much as it is today, but greyer. There was a smattering of rain and he was deciding what vehicle to take. He made a suggestive comment to me, and I made one to him. (He was just out of the shower after all!)
0705 He came downstairs in his leathers. I remember saying "Oh, decision made then?" and him sying "Yeah, I can always dry them out at work." He got himself sorted out, whilst *not* be distracted by whatever skateboarding programme the child was watching. We talked about what he was going to say to the She-Ex that night, if he got chance.
0710 He came to me with his helmet on, and kissed me, said he loved me and he'd see me later. I told him I loved him, and I'd see him in a bit. He turned to the child and said "See you later smelly" and the child waved another peculiar wave at him, and said "Bye bye"
0712 We stood on the step, the child and I, and waved him off. He half turned and waved at us as he pulled away. I watched him over the bridge, then went in and got ready for the last day of school.
And that was it. Our last morning. Typed in real time here.
0620 This time last week I had just gone up to get him up. He was lying in bed, and awake but dozing. His hand came up over the covers and waved at me. Just like then, AC was still asleep. We had a murmured conversation about the day ahead, then I went down to make a cup of tea for him.
It was the little things that we did that were good. Making cups of tea for him, making his lunch in the mornings, those things. When he went away I would put postit notes in his bag, with "I love you" and "RH <3 SC 4ever" and "You're so gorgeous!" and "You make me smile."
Today I have lots to do. Parents at 10. Bank at 11. RAF at 2pm. The RAF are being brilliant and so very supportive towards AC and I as his family.
0633 This time last week he came down the stairs, looking like he'd been dragged through a hedge backwards, and with the two lines that he always got on his face from sleeping in the way he did. He waved at the AC - neither of them really speak in the mornings, and went to the shower.
I pottered about, doing spots of this and that. Talking to Sian on the messenger about the project the three boys are doing together long distance. Getting AC sorted. Chatting about the cup he had won the day before, and how proud we both were of him, how hard he was working, how much his behaviour was a good representation of us and of school.
It was last day of school, and Payday. We'd sailed a little close to the wire this month, and Payday was a welcome relief.
0657 R was out of the shower by now and on his way upstairs. The weather was much as it is today, but greyer. There was a smattering of rain and he was deciding what vehicle to take. He made a suggestive comment to me, and I made one to him. (He was just out of the shower after all!)
0705 He came downstairs in his leathers. I remember saying "Oh, decision made then?" and him sying "Yeah, I can always dry them out at work." He got himself sorted out, whilst *not* be distracted by whatever skateboarding programme the child was watching. We talked about what he was going to say to the She-Ex that night, if he got chance.
0710 He came to me with his helmet on, and kissed me, said he loved me and he'd see me later. I told him I loved him, and I'd see him in a bit. He turned to the child and said "See you later smelly" and the child waved another peculiar wave at him, and said "Bye bye"
0712 We stood on the step, the child and I, and waved him off. He half turned and waved at us as he pulled away. I watched him over the bridge, then went in and got ready for the last day of school.
And that was it. Our last morning. Typed in real time here.
First week complete.
And there we are.
This time last week, we headed off to bed. He checked the AC because he went up first, and covered him up. We undressed, and we lay next to each other, his leg over my leg, holding hands, chatting quietly about stuff.
He whispered "Good night my darling" in the way he always did, whether he thought I was asleep or not, and we dozed off, secure in each other and our love.
It was normal, for us. We had both lost so much before, both so determined not to lose it again, that we made sure we didn't. We worked hard on what we had. The only thing we didn't see coming was Friday morning. And who would?
Today has been a real kick in the stomach day in places, with things I have been told. Today has also been a fabulous day, with things I have been told, and things we have done.
AC and I got the bus over to see Mum and Dad. As we left the house, both feeling very sombre, we heard a tune. It was like an icecream van type music (you know, the stuff they only play when they have run out.....) and it was playing "Who do you think you are kidding Mr Hitler?". Dear Readers who have vast brains and good memories, will remember that not so long ago, R bought the AC the boxed set of Dad's Army, for which that is the theme tune. Coincidence? Not sure I believe in them really.
But it made the boy smile, and it brightened our start to our day.
Tomorrow will be stinking hard, but it will be the first Friday that we have to do, and there are hundreds ahead of us. At least we have no guilt, nothing extra we could have done to make his life better. We did our part, and I am so glad, because if we hadn't, life would be unbearable because now it would be too late, and sorry really wouldn't cut it any more.
He loves us. We love him. I was just told by someone he spoke to online a lot that he said we completed him, that he belonged and was truely happy for the first time ever, and in a way he didn't think existed.
Job done.
This time last week, we headed off to bed. He checked the AC because he went up first, and covered him up. We undressed, and we lay next to each other, his leg over my leg, holding hands, chatting quietly about stuff.
He whispered "Good night my darling" in the way he always did, whether he thought I was asleep or not, and we dozed off, secure in each other and our love.
It was normal, for us. We had both lost so much before, both so determined not to lose it again, that we made sure we didn't. We worked hard on what we had. The only thing we didn't see coming was Friday morning. And who would?
Today has been a real kick in the stomach day in places, with things I have been told. Today has also been a fabulous day, with things I have been told, and things we have done.
AC and I got the bus over to see Mum and Dad. As we left the house, both feeling very sombre, we heard a tune. It was like an icecream van type music (you know, the stuff they only play when they have run out.....) and it was playing "Who do you think you are kidding Mr Hitler?". Dear Readers who have vast brains and good memories, will remember that not so long ago, R bought the AC the boxed set of Dad's Army, for which that is the theme tune. Coincidence? Not sure I believe in them really.
But it made the boy smile, and it brightened our start to our day.
Tomorrow will be stinking hard, but it will be the first Friday that we have to do, and there are hundreds ahead of us. At least we have no guilt, nothing extra we could have done to make his life better. We did our part, and I am so glad, because if we hadn't, life would be unbearable because now it would be too late, and sorry really wouldn't cut it any more.
He loves us. We love him. I was just told by someone he spoke to online a lot that he said we completed him, that he belonged and was truely happy for the first time ever, and in a way he didn't think existed.
Job done.
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