Friday, March 13, 2009

Still up.

I'm still up.

I'm up because I'm not in bed (yay - I am Sherlock Holmes!) GOTPB is on the box, and I'm just waiting to feel tired enough to go to bed.

Ok, so actually, that's not it. Actually, I hate going to bed knowing that R isn't here and that he isn't coming home tonight. The first couple of nights are the worst, and then it gets a lot easier as the time goes on. April is going to be a 'mare in this sense, but I'll manage lol!

I go to bed without R a lot. But usually, he's here, downstairs, filling the house with his presence, and I can hear him, pottering about with the animals or in the kitchen, playing on the computer or watching tv or something. And tonight he's not. And I miss him.

I miss the way I look up from what I'm doing and find him watching me and smiling.
I miss the way that he blows me kisses from across the room.
I miss the way that he tells me he loves me, just because he wants to and he does.
I miss making him tea and the way his voice changes and is so appreciative of everything I do for him like that, still with the vague surprised sound in his voice.
I miss the way he touches my back or my head or whatever part of me he can reach as he walks past.
I miss him getting into bed next to me and just snuggling up and whispering "Goodnight my darling." in my ear, even when he thinks I'm asleep.
I miss the feeling of his legs intertwined with mine when I wake up in the night, or the way he sleeps with his hand on my hip.

*sigh* Oh I'm a soppy wench. I've never felt quite like this about a man before, and I'm just lying here, typing, because I can, and I want to and I want to recognise and acknowledge and "grok" these feelings. I relish the times of being like this - because without him being away, how can I truly appreciate him when he's home?

And I do. I love him and I miss him. He's such an amazing man, who loves and lives with all of him.

Comic Relief

Comic Relief 09.

I'm loving it - probably! Suffice it to say that my weekend is not going anywhere near the plan. The plan was to work lightly during the week, then spend Saturday working my behind off to get everything done and dusted ready for the week.


Earlier on today, as I am frantically trying to get my children sorted for their class assembly, which was today, alongside Comic Relief and non-uniform and so on, I get a text. Basically it says that the He-Ex feels poorly, has a cold, and isn't sure about picking up the AC. But it's my call.

It's always my flaming call. So I phoned him, and said I was not prepared to choose whether he saw his son or not, that he had responsibilities, and that if I said "No, you're too ill." then in six months he'd be using it as a way to have a go, saying I hadn't let him see his son, and that I was a bad mother and so on. He's done it before. He'll do it again. So no. You want to wimp out of taking care of your son, you say it. The cold was one that AC had given the He-Ex in the first place anyway.

So then I got a text to say that he wasn't going to take the AC tonight, he would pick him up in the morning and I decided, actually, I'm not having that, because I know the other thing that's happened when he's done this before, and it's that he's told the AC that *I* refused to let him have the AC. (R sorted things out with the AC, and I didn't even know about it until today.)

So I suggested that he collected the AC, and if he found it too much, return the AC to the house. After all, I'm not going anywhere this weekend! LOL!

And that's just what he did. Returned the AC around 6pm because he was feeling very rough. Honestly. When did I ever get to call on him when we were married? When did I ever get to just dump the AC on him because I couldn't be bothered? Aside from the fact that I have never not been bothered with the child because that's not the way I am, I've never had, until the fantastic R, any option other than to flaming well get on with it. R is very good at taking some of the burden when things are tricky, the same as I do for him.

All of that meant that when I was going to do lots of work over this weekend, I'm not going to be able to. Which really means I don't have the time to sit here and do this, but I'm doing it anyway. I'm finding blogging to be very, very cathartic!

So. Let's get on!




Why do we have them?

It's better than being with them lol!

Details later, but


And in other news....

... there had been no phonecall, no email, no nothing, so R phoned last night to speak to the BG and apparently the BG's Grandparent is back from wherever she's been, so is back to looking after her, and quite how we were supposed to know this I don't know lol! I expect there will be a grumpy email in the Outlook Inbox and somehow it'll be our fault for not knowing lol! It usually is! You'd be amazed the things we can affect from thousands of miles away lol! However, we persevered, and we *did* speak to the BG yesterday, and she was interesting in what she said, but also quite chatty and happy with what Daddy had to tell her, which was cool. She is so amazing (but hadn't handed her homework in! Tsk tsk tsk!)

Today however, the She-Ex cannot depress me because it's Red Nose Day! Woooooooooo!

We have a non-uniform day at school and are encouraged to wear something silly, so I intend to go in my usual clothes, but mess things up a bit - pictures will be forth coming! The AC loves these kinds of days, although he would rather just go in his own clothes. We've also got a magnetic Red Nose for the car that R doesn't know about, which the AC and I intend to sneak out and slap on just before he goes! Again with the pictures, obviously.

I need to get in the shower though, so laters people, I'll let you know how the day goes when I'm in the midst of my alonetime later on.........

Give me a break! *Theme post* lol!

"Give me a break" is a phrase that is used a lot in the UK. Not as much as it was, having been replaced with the ubiquitous "F@£$ off and die!" (joking!) but still used a fair piece.

Often, I get told that having the AC away at his fathers on a Friday night, all day Saturday, home at 6.30, must be lovely, because "it must be nice to be given that break."

Actually ............... no!

I can't stand it! It's taken the best part of 2 years for me to tolerate it as much as I do. It's not the loss of control over my child, which has been suggested, nor yet the fact that he goes to his fathers, which has also been suggested, and which has some part to play if I'm honest - we parent in such different ways, and I am expected to give in to him on all things, whilst he goes his own way being a brave single Daddy. In all honesty, he was a good father to the AC when he wanted to be, and the rest of the time he ignored him or passed him on to me. It took the AC almost 2 years to get hold of the idea that he could interrupt R if he was on the computer and that the thing he needed would happen, as opposed to being palmed off onto mummy or whatever. R keeps telling him, "It's only a game - you are far more important than any game or computer." and now he understands that.

But I digress. (I do that, you know!)

I could not imagine, even when he was smaller, wanting a break from the gorgeous little creature in my arms. I just couldn't. When he was ill, and doing the screaming every 40 minutes day and night part of his life, I still didn't want a break from him. We lived at Benson at the time, and Alex often offered to take him for a little while, but if he suddenly gripped, he needed his mummy (or specific parts of her anatomy as the suckling helped the pain!) Those were the longest, darkest days of my parenting, because I didn't know what was wrong, then I did have a thought but the doctors wouldn't listen, and as it happened I was right! (Low tolerance of dairy, for anyone who doesn't know!)

There are days when I want a break from the pain in my hips, and thankfully I'm getting it. I think the flare is almost over, and so life will go back to normal for a couple of years I hope! I know the warm weather is helping and the exercise and weight loss are helping, and the positivity and prayers from others is helping as well. I can and do sometimes need a break from that as it stops me doing things - or tries to!

I look forward to being given a break from work with the holidays that we have. As a teacher, I'm lucky enough to be able to fully access the school holidays, and spend lots of time with the AC during them. This Easter will be almost totally AC and I, which is cool, but we both wish R could have some holiday time with us. The AC has already made plans for what is happening, and, whilst he had to amend them slightly so that they had less R in them, we are going to Grandma's on the bus, we are going swimming, we are going to picnic in the park, we are going to play at Ellens house (not sure Ellen's mummy knows this yet lol!) and obviously he will spend several days at his fathers, although not all in one lump.

Other parents are very anti-holidays, saying they are expensive, children get bored etc. Maybe it's the working mother in me that relishes the time with her child. Maybe that's it.

For the first time yesterday I met someone in the workplace who parents the same way as I do. Who, like us, takes the children's views and opinions into consideration when doing things, and like us, gives them a voice in what is going on in their lives. Like me, sometimes it's a "no" lol, because actually, this kind of parenting isn't about giving a child everything they want, but everything they need - and children need firm, consistent, lovingly set boundaries more than anything! They need them applied by parents who are gentle voiced, but firm. I found a post on an old blog yesterday that said I was struggling to speak to the AC in "love and gentle firmness, but so far, so good!" LOL!

To find out K's views on things was such a refreshing change from those who put over that the children are a burden, that they are a drain on resources (as that irritating advert puts it) and that they permanently do annoying and naughty things. Give the child a break from shouting and moaning and complaining at and about them, and you'll be amazed how they improve! Put them first, where they should be, and give them the feeling of being valued, and they will respond to you!

The way K and I parent, I think, is summed up in this.

If A Child Lives With. . .

by Dorothy Law Nolte

If a child lives with criticism. . . . . . . .he learns to condemn.

If a child lives with hostility. . . . . . . . he learns to fight.

If a child lives with fear. . . . . . . .he learns to be apprehensive.

If a child lives with jealousy. . . . . . . .he learns to feel guilt.

If a child lives with tolerance. . . . . . . .he learns to be patient.

If a child lives with encouragement . . . . . . . .he learns to be confident.

If a child lives with praise. . . . . . . .he learns to be appreciative.

If a child lives with acceptance. . . . . . . .he learns to love.

If a child lives with approval. . . . . . . .he learns to like himself.

If a child lives with recognition . . . . . . . .he learns that it is good to have a goal.

If a child lives with honesty. . . . . . . .he learns what truth is.

If a child lives with fairness. . . . . . . .he learns justice.

If a child lives with security. . . . . . . .he learns to trust in himself and others .

If a child lives with friendliness. . . . . . . .he learns the world is a nice place in which to live.

The AC gets all those things, even when they are an effort, I choose to give them to him, and through my job I choose to give them to my class whilst we are at school, but because I choose to give those to him, and have done since he was born, I don't have to be given a break from the Adorable Child.