Wednesday, December 23, 2009

I''m a liar.

There you go.

I confess.

I've told more lies this last fortnight than I ever have. (Probably - don't hold me to that as a total)

The truth is?

I'm not fine.
I don't want to spend Christmas playing happy families with my brother and parents and children and so on.
I'm not ready.
I want Rich here.

This isn't fair, it isn't right and I don't want to play this stupid game anymore.  I DON'T.

We had such a gorgeous Christmas last year.  AC was running backwards and forwards being the present bringer, and Rich was in charge of everything, so organised, so full of fun and games.  He and AC threw the parachutists off of the stairs and talked about gravity and air resistance and stuff.  I watched the video again and again earlier.  We finally had presents from the BG.  There was a lot less nastyness from the Ex's and the year ahead looked so, so good.

My parents loved him, we were engaged, we were trying for a baby together, and life was finally so fantastic after all the rubbish that he and I had been through with the Ex's.

It all got busted apart in July, and a year later I'm sitting here, silent tears rolling down my face, presents unwrapped, some not bought I think, and I just can't do this anymore.  There we go.

So what will I do?

I'll tell lies.

I'll stick on my game face, and I'll man up, I'll have a great time at Ru's, I'll pull it all out of thin air, like I usually can make it all come together at the last minute, and it will be good.

We all deserve it, AC most of all.  He's a special child who has lost such a massive part of his life, he doesn't deserve to lose his mother as well, physically, mentally, emotionally, whatever.  I will drag myself out of this pit by my own hair if I have to.

But ssshhhhh!  Don't tell the world it's just a game face.

After all.....

...... I'm so brave...... doing so well........ so strong.......... still young........ plenty more men out there..........


of course.......

let's not forget........

time is a great healer!

Christmas Memories.


There's a giveaway at Charming Chatter which is talking about Christmas Memories.

This year, we need to make new memories.

I have 3 years of memories with Rich, with his daft hat, and of wrapping presents on the floor together on Christmas Eve.  Of he and the AC whispering about things.  Of the stocking he used to do for me, every year without fail.  Of the cuddly toy for just as we went to bed after midnight.  Of the carving of the turkey and the pulling of the crackers.

So many memories, especially of last year which was such a big family Christmas.  This year, he won't be here.  I can't even go and be where he was scattered, because I'm not entirely sure where his brother did it in the end, although I know the place.  But I have the memories.  The AC and I will always have those, and the AC will remember the Christmases we shared with such love and enjoyment, with video and photographs.

This year I picked up his Death Certificates on the same day as we picked up the Christmas Tree.

That's a memory that will stay forever.  That was a weird, weird day.

But this year, we're having Christmas Day with my brother and his family and my parents, and life will carry on.  It has to.  The child is 6 now, and we're both going through the motions for each other, because we know that life has to carry on.  We'll make more memories this year, and yes, last year's will make me cry, but we had 3 wonderful Christmases together, that we all enjoyed so, so much.  I won't let Christmas become depressing.

Laters people.

I'm going to go and read other peoples memories now. 

It's the Final Countdown

Dah da dah dah dadadada dahhhhhhhh!

And so forth.

It is the day before Christmas Eve.  Ac is still in bed.  Finally, he has a lie in.  Unfortuately he has the doctor at 8.50, but it's only a short step round to there.

The house is a bombsite.  My get up and go is wrapped in the numbness of not having Rich here, which is making life tricky.  I can carry on as long as the child is around.

And he calls.