Thursday, October 29, 2009

New profile picture

This sums us up right now.

We are a mourning, but smiling, RAF family.

The boys have been in touch again, which is lovely, and I will have a uniform to accompany me to the inquest.

Everyone is so kind.

We are, in many ways, very lucky.

We're having a quiet day in today, just chilling out. It's lovely. I've told the AC about the minister and he cried, just a little.

Then randomly, after lunch (homemade soup - gorgeous!) he said "I miss Richard and Neil!" and cried for a while. He seemed better after that, but we'll see.

Children and babies`

Yesterday was a marvellously painful but enjoyable day.

The girls (age 9 and 5) were very good, worried about their Mummy, but very well behaved. The boy, (aged 4 months) was gorgeously lovely, very good, and easy to care for.

When I packed them up to go back to their parents, I realised that that was what was missing from Rich and I, babies.

So why didn't we?

Originally, he knew I wanted to have more children. He got with me knowing that, accepting that, and looking forward to a time when we could do that. We wanted to make sure our relationship was secure, because we wanted to know we could both deal with the pressures of The Ex's in our lives and in each others lives.

So why didn't we once we knew we were secure in each other? Mainly because of BG. Rich knew that he loved AC, that I loved BG, and that regardless of whether we had more children or not, that love would not stop. He knew that the He-Ex loved AC, and although he hated Rich, he was man enough not to cause problems between everyone just because we had a baby. We couldn't be that sure about the She-Ex. We couldn't be sure she wouldn't cut BG off from us, because of the baby, or babies. We knew once we started, we'd be having several! He wanted a large family with me, we talked about it so many times. Always the stumbling block wasn't that we weren't married, (although we would have preferred that, we'd lived with the lies of when the divorce was coming for so long that we'd given up on ever getting the truth about it, or the actual paperwork) the block was the mental state of the She-Ex. Several times we spoke to people about whether she was ok to mother the BG, and each time we had to weigh the disturbance of moving the BG (having already been through an incredibly traumatic and badly managed move) against her safety. Although the She-Ex accused us of neglect, we never felt that BG was in danger, or neglected by the She-Ex, just seen as a problem child. Thankfully that only came in stages, so we decided to leave the BG where she was. This summer though, things would have started to be different. But never mind. They didn't.

But it was against that background we waited and waited, and then in October last year, whilst he was away, we decided I should come off the pill. The rest is a somewhat miserable history.

I'd love to have a larger family, but not with just any bloke. I'd love to have a man beside me in bed, but not just any man. I'm picky! And the one I'd pick isn't here.

On with the day.

At some point I have to choose to break my sons heart again. I look at him now, curled up on the sofa with hot chocolate, and I want to protect him from all hurt. I can't. He has to know.