Wednesday, December 16, 2009

I was trying to remember.....

.... the last time I spent more than a couple of days without visitors.

It was before Rich died.

I still type that sentence, and it still makes no sense.  Some nights it's hard to believe that he's not just behind me, or on the sofa, or already in bed and waiting for me, or ..... something.

Other nights, it's as if this is the way it has always been.  That he was here fleetingly, and not for the 4 years that he was part of my life.  More and more memories are coming back though, and that's a good thing.  I think my brain locked them up because they hurt so much to think about.

It's not something that people want to hear about, but Rich and I were almost perfect together.  We weren't absolutely perfect - who is - but we were nearly there.  We spent so many lovely evenings playing board games, or snugged up on the sofa under a duvet watching tv.  He was a wonderful partner, and a brilliant Daddy for the AC.  A couple of days ago the AC was singing the armourer song.  "A I'm an Armourer, B I'm an Armourer," and changed the words to "C I'm an Armourers son"

He knows it.
The Armourers know it.
I know it.

The paperwork might not, but Rich has made that little 2 year old that he first met into the man that he will be one day.  He was there for all the bits that mattered.  He carried him downstairs covered in sick when the AC was ill.  He stayed home with him when I had to work, and they played and had good times all day.  He took him out to town to get presents for Mummy, and he read him stories with good voices.  He chatted with him on the phone when he was in the 'Stan, and he fixed his bike when he got home. And they played and fought (in a good way!)

AC wants to be Rich.  He's had his hair cut back to being armourer hair, and although this photo is from a year ago, it's why he had it cut that way then.  He wanted hair like Rich's.

They are painful photos to look at, but painful in a good way.  Rich was a good Daddy, not just the AC's stepfather, and I don't give a monkey's what the world says.  In fact, I have the paperwork here that says otherwise lol, but it's mine, and it's special, and it can stay that way.  Cherished, because *I* know.

They love each other so much.  And (proper, true, faithful, respectful, cherishing) love, like starlight, never dies.


"Forgiveness is an act of the imagination. It dares you to imagine a better future, one that is based on the possibility that your hurt will not be the final word on the matter."


I don't know where this quote came from, but I like it.  This is why I can forgive Rich's brother for his behaviour, the She-Ex for hers, the He-Ex for his, and me for mine.  Forgiveness is the first step to healing, and until we are healed as individuals, then the world around us suffers and suffers our pain by proxy.

However, I need to make ham sandwiches for the Adorable Child today.