Wednesday, September 30, 2009

So now?

Now what do I do?

The AC is going to have to go to the chest clinic, potentially for an inhaler to be used when he has one of these coughing jags. The doctor was really apologetic and upset that she hadn't realised Rich was our man, and that the surgery hadn't offered bereavement counselling. I'm to make appointments for AC and I, and we'll see what happens.

There was talk of a referral to the local play therapy place, which would be good and allow him to work through his feelings. I don't want him just left, just because I'm too caught up in my emotions to help him. There is no stigma in getting the best help for your child, in being honest with them about that help, and in getting off your bum to get it done.

I'm exhausted though tonight. The AC really isn't coping sometimes now, and the reality of this horrible situation is really setting in for he and I, but him mainly. Everyone else has gone back to their normal lives, as they should do. We can't. Our normal is gone.

But we are making a new normal, and it will be fine.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Anger...

... suddenly I am angry.

Wildly, madly angry.

Not with Rich, with God, with the world, or even with the She-Ex, although writing that last post didn't help lol.

With someone.

Currently, that someone is nameless, and his action is unspecified, but I know what it is, and I know what it has denied my son, and I know what it has denied me, and I know that his time will come, when he will wish he hadn't done it.

I suspect, from what he has said, that he wishes that already.

Because if you believe in an afterlife, or in karma, or something like that, then he will have to account for his action one day, whether to God, Rich, or something or someone else.

Oh yes.

More tea.

The sum total...

The blog was started on 12th Feb 2007. She had been gone a year and 5 months by then. We were accused of cutting BG out of our lives, and we wanted a way that she could see pictures, so the blog was born!

And now, I'm writing it, whenever I need to, to let her know what is going on for her Daddy.

195 posts.

1,126 images.

11 comments from her, which had to come via her mother.

It's not her fault - she's a child, and a small one at that for most of it, and someone who found reading and writing really hard.

But this is it.
(All as typed in, except I took the names out for their usual acronyms! But the rest, spelling, grammar, punctuation, is as written.)

8.08pm - 13/02/2007

Daddy
mommy just said that you were getting me swimming lessons
thankyou!
and we are going to war
and Rinky-Dink Keeps biting the cats

3.16pm - 28/02/07

Daddy, Ian has a vtech game thing I want one please?
it is a video game that teachers reading and the like
(it is actually different than the leap pad one, and the games are like 1/3 the cost)...

also I really like horses Daddy can i have something horsey like? please?


5.05pm 12/08/08

tell ac, bg is really proud of him


9.35pm - 13/08/2008

those are very cute names for cats

they lool almost like spot



3.02pm - 30/08/08


i liked the pictures daddy

it looked just like war, but green and less muddy!


7.02pm 28/09/2008


like the leathers Daddy


2.34pm - 04-10-2008

i'm sorry your fish died


4.16pm - 04/01/2009

where are the presents of what i got you?


11.34pm 03/09/2009


rachel says it's very nice it's a good idea and it sounds great


1.19am 23/03/2009

I got a ten plus on my spelling test, and i'm really happy

and Mrs Porter gives us candy when that happens.

well done ac for growing up and having to raise your seat


1.23am 23/03/2009


i did the cutting between the blocks when grandma was making a quilt for balthazars babys

I was a good on my spelling test i have a ten plus sarah



I was looking because I wanted to be sure we had done all we could for her to keep her in touch with our every day lives. We did. I am happy that we did our part. I don't know how many blogs she read - certainly she had no idea what Rich was talking about sometimes, but children forget.... I guess... - and I don't know how many she's read since he died, or how many she will read.

I'm glad they are there though, because in the future, she can see what her Daddy really was like, and that will make it all worth it.

Monday, September 28, 2009

News...

... there is such news.

A good friend of mine and his lovely wife have finally produced their beautiful baby. And that's all I'm going to say about that right now. It's not my news, it's not out on the net yet, (not like they are celebs lol, but every parent should be telling the world about their progeny themselves!) but I am so glad. Rich and I had talked about how I might feel when their baby arrived - ours was due at the same time - and whilst it hurts like unmerry hell, in a way I cannot describe, I am so glad that they do have a bundle to cherish. Why would I want anyone else to go through this? It's not fun. I wouldn't.

In other, less exciting news, life is ok.

Rehearsals for the Harvest Assembly went ok. I have a lot of tech stuff to do tomorrow, but that's ok. I'm good at tech stuff.

Walking home to not see Rich was hard today. And that's all I want to say about that.

I have heard nothing from the She-Ex or the BG to say thankyou for including BG in our family announcement, or what she's thought of the blog or anything. That's just the way it is, and the way it's always been. It is ignorance in the truest form.

The AC broke at school today. He is so tired, so emotional, but if we break the routine now, he'll just collapse. Yes, we could both do with some time off, but we'll be ok. We are strong, that boy and I. We are supported by friends, love, God, Rich, family, all sorts. We'll be ok.

Life is ok today. It's not great, but it's ok. And that's the best it'll be for a while.

And that was the news!

Big story at the start, then lots of waffle.

Tea and bed.

Night all.

What no post?

No, not some odd reference to the wildcat postal strikes with which our country is afflicted, more to do with the posts I've done, and hidden for now, as I'm not sure the world is ready for them.

At this point, I am fully aware that the She-Ex, who apparently does *not* read this - *nods* yeah, right - will assume that they were to do with her. Actually, the whole world does not revolve around her, it's not all about her as we had to point out a thousand times, and they had nothing to do with her. So ner. And if she doesn't read this, she won't be insulted, and if she does read this, then they weren't about her anyway, so there's nothing to be insulted by.

But I did write BG's blog today. It's here.


////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Dear BG

Thursday was Daddy’s 34th birthday. AC and I had special tea, (we had sausages, mash and beans – one of Daddy’s favourite teas!) and we asked the local newspaper, to put a Birthday Memorial announcement in the paper for us.

It looks like this.

Rich 34th announcement

The quote about love comes from the book that Daddy sent you, “No Matter What.” by Debi Gilori. If you ask mummy, I’m sure she’ll read it with you. It’s a gorgeous book, and Sam and I have read it more than ever since Daddy died.

I had all kinds of messages on the day, to say that people were thinking of us and you, and also lots of people left Happy Birthday! messages for Daddy. The people on the game he used to play, World of Warcraft, had a bit of a party, and I joined in that as well. It was lovely, and we talked about Daddy a lot, online, just like you and Daddy did a couple of times.

At the very end of the day, at nearly midnight, I went into the garden and I sat for a while, thinking about Daddy and how much he loved that garden and being in it, and how much he loves you and me and AC, and how much he missed you, and missed seeing you grow into the clever girl you are now. It hurt him so much not to see you, and I know it hurt you not to see him, but AC says he thinks Daddy can see you wherever you are now! Maybe he’s right.

Today was also Harvest Festival at church, and I was given these to bring home.

DSCF4984

They were the flowers from the main table, and they had rosemary, lavender and thyme in them, which were the flowers that I sent with Daddy when he was in the Crematorium, the flowers that we had in the church for the Celebration for him, and today, Mrs P at church said she had remembered that when she was doing the harvest flowers, and she wanted to put a little something in for Daddy, so she did this, and I was given it to bring home.

It’s on top of our big fish tank, and has Daddy’s cap and beret with it. It looks gorgeous.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know about what we did. We put your name in the newspaper with ours, because you and me and AC love him such a lot, and you are part of our family as well. We love you, and we always will.

Take care Princess,

big cuddles!

Us.


/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


I have every intention of blogging to this beautiful girl whenever we do anything for her Daddy. I'd like to blog to her more, but her mother will probably claim it as harassment or something. I so far have not heard anything about her seeing any of the blogs, and maybe she is, maybe she isn't. Who knows. But it's a couple of years until she can do things for herself, unless she's made major gains in her reading and writing, which I hope she has, and I just want her to know that she wasn't just an addition to my family, or an inconvenience, or a pain, or any of the other things her mother has described our contact with her as, but that she was loved, and cared about, and that even when we put an announcement in the paper, she was there with us. In the midst of us, because she's older than the AC.


He broke down tonight. He cried for 10 minutes straight, about Rich, saying he was going to take on God and if he could he'd fight Him to get Rich back, and it didn't matter if he got hurt by God he wanted Rich back.


Today is also, by my calculations, although I may be a day or two out, the 4 years point since BG saw her Daddy. His last physical memory of her, was watching her be dragged, sobbing, by her mother, through the departure gate. He never saw her again, and now he never will. He didn't cry, because although she was only young, he didn't want her to think that this was a scary thing that she had to do. He was trying to protect her, even at the last minute.

The drive back in the car was silent. AC went to sleep. We didn't talk. He dropped me off. He came round that evening, and he had spent all day, in the house, just sitting, looking at BG's stuff, not knowing when he would see her again, or even if. Her mother had said "I'll take her away, and you'll never see her again." and now she'd taken her, and probably meant the last bit. He came round, and he leant up against me, and we sat, in silence, almost all night.

Over the next few days, that's what we did. Sometimes we talked, sometimes he cried, sometimes we just sat in silence. And then he had his nervous breakdown, which the She-Ex resented him having, and life got livable from then in.

And now they will never see each other physically again. The She-Ex could have stayed here - even she admitted that, several times, that the thing she'd told both of us was a lie, and she could have stayed. They would have had another 4 years together, at least. BG would have had proper memories of her father, just like AC has of him.

Ah well.

What cannot be cured, must be endured, as they say.

The flowers from church are amazingly lovely though. I'll be sad when they go over.




Friday, September 25, 2009

70 days.

Or more accurately, tonight is 70 nights.

I miss him.

I've had a 2 hour conversation with Alpha Bravo tonight, as he was driving up to see his daughter, and just pottering about whilst I did that, and it was nice just to be chatting to someone who was listening whilst I pottered about. It was just... nice. really.

I've heard no more from the She-Ex after telling her that I couldn't supply what she wanted because it didn't exist yet! I think she much have understood finally. We can but hope.

I'm just old tonight. Old, and tired, and facing a life on my own. Most of the time, that's ok. Tonight it is a long and lonely road.

And you and I and the rest of the world know that I'll only be on my own as long as I want to be, and then there will be someone. At the right time, which isn't yet, there will be the right person, supplied by God, approved by Rich, and willing to fill the biggest boots there ever could be.

I saw him dead, you know. I saw him twice. I want to write about it, but I can't find the words yet. I will. And soon. I can feel it coming soon.

But now I'll go to bed. I'm so very, very tired. And yet I won't sleep. But if I phone someone, it won't make sense anyway!

Thursday, September 24, 2009

The end of a birthday

This was the first big first, I suppose.

His birthday has come and will soon be gone.

My Facebook, his Facebook, my email, his email, my school life, my texts, are all full of messages. Not of condolence, not of mourning, but of Happy Birthdays, for the big man. I've spent the evening with his online friends, listening, reminiscing, and everyone had a beer, for him. (Well, Vicky had wine, but I had beer for her!) Lots of love there, for the big man.

He was known as the big man by so many people, because he was. Tall, strong, brave, handsome, and so loving, so caring, so special. Big hearted, big living, big loving.

This time last year, we bought him a bag of dice from Chessex, a blue lightsaber (AC's choice), smaller, other dice sets, a book, just stuff really.

But this night last year, was when we decided enough with the contraception, enough with waiting for the divorce that the She-Ex was never going to do, and he lay in bed next to me, and told me he couldn't wait any longer, that he wanted us to be having children. And it wasn't that he just wanted the practice! He got plenty of that! No, it was that he wanted to make me pregnant, to care for me whilst I grew, to be here, in our house, whilst we birthed our baby, and to love him or her and cherish them as they grew older, teaching them all he had taught AC and more. This was the night he held me in his arms, just talking, about everything and nothing, until almost the sun came up.

This is a night I remember with love.

I am so, so lucky, in so many ways.

i feel

I am crumbling inside,
And as each day passes,
A part of me goes with it,
Seeking you,
Seeking where you are,
Seeking your touch.

I am fading on the outside,
The mask slips more and more,
The game face no longer plays,
The words of comfort to others
No longer trip from my tongue,
But tumble and fall and are swallowed
into the pit that spreads inside me,
Around me
Within me

Into the space that you have left,
As it spreads
As it absorbs
As it sucks in the world,
Like a black hole, consuming all matters.

The poison of others,
Dripped in
Thrown at me
Poured into my open wounds,
Deliberately
Callously
Unthinkingly
Stupidly
Burns, but keeps me alive,
Pains, but keeps me feeling.
Aches, but the truth hurts them more.

And I sit,
and there is a nothingness that I cannot describe,
that words cannot capture,
that time does not heal
and that others cannot fill.

There is,
Just
Me.

Happy Birthday darling....



This time last year, he opened his presents, got on his bike, and roared away, strong, handsome, and the man of my dreams.

Last year, we got him a card, dice, lightsaber, cake, cuddles and love. This year, I don't even know where he is scattered to go and see him.

Last year, BG's teacher came up trumps again, where her mother hadn't bothered, and he had a piece of writing, emailed through, to say happy birthday. He never had an actual card from her. Now he never will.

Last year, we were happy. This year, I miss him so much I feel sick.

Shower, and on with the day. What else is there to do?

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

The letter I could write!

The She-Ex has been particularly difficult to understand today, demanding the death certificate which she feels I am keeping from her, when in fact there has been no inquest as such and therefore I don't actually have one to keep from her!

I haven't written to her, but if I did..........

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Oh, She-Ex,

I am being calm and collected about this, because I do not want this to degenerate into some kind of abuse session from you.

Firstly, you are ignoring the fact that I am not being difficult, I am simply unable to supply the document you require, because the legal process is not complete. You will not have to attend that inquest, I will. It will be difficult enough as it is, without you making it more so, on purpose.

Secondly, I am fully aware that BG goes to school and how important school is. We were the ones who were trying to impress that upon you when you were getting letters from the truancy department of your education authority. I am glad she is going every day. She needs to, as does every child. Routine and education are important in a young child's life.

Thirdly, I am not on your "ass" about anything. The sentence was phrased in the future tense, as I was fully aware that she would not have seen the blog yet. Irritating as it is for you to know that Rich is loved and missed over here, and that BG is loved and missed, and that we are loved and cared for, I'm afraid that that is the truth of the matter.

Fourthly, it was your choice to be difficult about the divorce, about sending the papers, and so on. Your attitude towards that divorce has been recognised over here - all those times I told you things were noted? They were. This has been seen by some people, (not by me,) but by some people, as karma. Had you have got on with the divorce you would have been financially better off now. BG and AC would have been better provided for. Life would have been easier for you. However, you chose not to, because you thought to prevent us carrying on with our lives. As you can see, you did no such thing to us, and life is more complicated for you.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Oh, I'm bored of writing this now. She won't read it, (she doesn't read here anymore - she said so!) she won't listen, and she has her own "I'm a poor abandoned widow" agenda. I feel so sorry for her and for the BG, and I don't want to make it worse by venting my spleen on her.

I'm hurting a lot at the moment, and her keep on choosing to rip the scabs off, so to speak, is just too painful. Like claiming she loved him desperately - but clearly not enough to stay with him, or to send pictures of his daughter, or make sure they could talk, or send a Fathers Day or Birthday or Christmas card. Or divorce papers. Not that desperately.

And I know me. I don't want to share my pain with her, partly because she has no right to my pain, and partly because she is such an emotionally and mentally fragile person sometimes that I don't want to upset her, and by doing so make BG upset. The She-Ex has said that she cannot hide her emotions from the BG, so...... there we go, really. I won't choose to be unkind to her that way. It's too easy. It comes down to the fact that it is 4 years almost to the day since the BG saw her father, and there is no one else to blame for that but the She-Ex. She must feel awful about it, and there is nothing anyone can do to help her escape it, because it is the truth. *sigh* Poor her.

And now it's bed time.

Laters lovely people, much laters.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Reality check..

... yep.

This is my reality. :-(

As we roll up to 10 weeks, (66 days today) the fact that this is now my reality is starting to really sink in. Week 8 was hard, when he should have been back from whatever det he was on. Week 9 was ok so far, because now I've managed to really tell myself that this is it. The things in the house that were his are now mine, and I have to choose what happens with them. I cannot keep everything - we had too much stuff as it was. But how does one decide what parts of a loved ones memories to keep, and which to discard?

I saw Rich do this, when the BG left. Effectively, for him, it was a bereavement. The She-Ex had said she had no intentions of ever coming back to drippy old England, that she had taken everything she wanted to take, that the rest of it could rot in hell alongside him, and so on. And so he had to hire a skip and, as he put it, "throw away my daughters life with me." He had to throw away toys, clothes, books, papers, he had to empty every room to hand back to the RAF. He had to do it in 2 weeks after having a breakdown caused by losing his daughter. Obviously we helped - it's what friends do, but for him, it was a bereavement.

I saw my parents do this when Grandma died. But that had been a gradual thing. When she moved from Stratton to Windmill Cottage, lots of her stuff and grandads stuff went. When she went from Windmill Cottage to a room at my parents house, more went. When she died, there was clothes, photographs, and that was about it.

But this isn't me watching other people do it, or even helping. I can't focus on the joyful death of an old lady who had been ready to die for over a year, and who had been in hospital for months. I can't focus on the dirt and filth to mask the pain of what we are actually doing, like we did at Rich's old house. All there is here, is the lack of himself. He was a vibrant, fit man. He deserved better in so many ways, but he lived with what he had - he played the cards he was dealt.

Right now, I'm wrapped in his dressing gown. It surrounds me with warmth and love. Part of me wants to leave things just where he left them, but that is almost like he is coming back, and just as we knew that BG wasn't coming back, we know that he isn't coming back in any physical form. Part of me wants to eradicate any sign of him from the house, just to stop it hurting when I look at his things, but I know that that is a kneejerk reaction, and I'd be unhappy in a couple of months. There are things that I shall keep for the BG, things I shall keep for the AC, and things I shall keep for us. And the rest? The rest will be recycled wherever possible, either given to others to use, given back to the RAF, given to charity, and only at the last minute will anything go to the bins. There is nothing to sell as such.

I will have to do this slowly, carefully, painstakingly. I-t-B has asked about some things. Some of it I shall graciously acquiesce to. Some of it I shall not. The She-Ex has asked about nothing in particular, just "things" and so until she is particular, and even if she ever is, I shall decide what is kept for BG, and it will remain here, boxed, until she herself comes for it.

But now? Now I shall shower, and plaster on the gameface and go into my day.

This is my reality.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Yesterday

Yesterday was the memorial thing for Rich at Cheltenham. It was at the Community Centre where they all used to hang out, and there was about 50 people there I think?

It was nice, it was interesting, a lot of people said Hi, a lot of people introduced themselves, I cried, I shook like a leaf to start with, I drank 6 pints of Theakstons Dark, which was lovely. The FO - now promoted to FL - said his bit, I-t-B said his bit, and we all drank and chatted til late.

The photowall was excellent - I-t-B did a really good job of that.

I need to blog it up to BG, and I will do as soon as I can. It might have to go in two sections - a short one and a longer one later. Maybe she'll get to read it, maybe she won't.

Several people commented on how his smile reached his eyes in the pictures of the two of us together. On how happy he looked. On how contented he looked. On how much weight he had put on and how much better he looked for it.

I miss him.

I miss him so much.

I miss him from waking up to going to bed. School is ok - he was at school, but not every day. Hometimes are hard. Missing him is so hard. Sometimes it feels like I could cry and cry and never stop. I do, and I have to. I told AC off today for something, and he accepted it, then came to me a little later, crying. He was missing Rich. He wanted Rich to tell him off with a joke, but a serious thinking, and then to push him on the swings. He went and played again after a cuddle and so on, but he's suffering. I'm going to look into counselling for him I think. Even if it's just one session and they say he's fine, I want to be sure. I look at all the problems that other children have had, and I think "I don't want that for my son, and I'm not going to let it happen by just ignoring it."

But what to do for the best?

Sleep I expect.

Tired now - but home

I'm so tired.
I'll write about the day later, but right now I've been up since 0430, after a very emotional day, and I'm shattered.
I'll do the blog for BG later, because it's for her, not for the She-Ex.
And as she isn't reading this, it's ok.
So
Tidy
Dishwasher
Washing Machine
Hoovering
Collect child,
home
tea
bath
bed
planning and so on!

To answer....

Sarah is probably going to erase this.

Nope. I wrote a post about it.

but i am the "she-ex"

Yes, you are.

I am tired of being the one who is thought of as the bitch, the horrible person, the one who destroyed Richards life.

You called me a bitch only yesterday morning. On the day I went to a memorial for the man I love. Thankyou.

I'm using names.

You are. See above comment.

My name is Lori Hannis.

Yes it is.

you can find me on face book under that name.

No, you can't. She's put her maiden name back on again, and hyphenated it with Hannis.

I loved richard desperately, still do. I was home sick, something no one ever seems to take in to account.

You said "I hate him!" so many times, you screamed "I hate you you bastard!" down the phone on more than one occasion. You refused to send pictures of his daughter, refused to let him be happy, refused all kinds of things. Not to mention what you did whilst you were actually in the same house as him. But it's not my place to mention that. It's a funny way to show love.

I had not seen my home in over four years, I wanted to be around people who i loved, I missed my family.

"I'm taking your daughter and you will never see her again!" was the phrase you used. I was there when you said it. And it's on all kinds of emails. You said you had no intention of coming back. You hated England and the people in it.

I'm sorry if that's thought of as so wrong.

It's not. Homesick is ok. What you did about it isn't.

I'm sorry if what i did was so wrong, but what mother out there could just let their daughter be left behind???

The mother who promised her daughter would stay here for 6 months whilst she got a steady job and a steady house? The mother who put her friends in situations where they had to lie to her daughter about her mothers whereabouts?

I'm however tired of being the one who is constantly the "she ex" like i'm some disease .

I had to call you something. I have a He-Ex, you were his She-Ex. Not ex-enough, but then you said "I'll never divorce him and leave him free to marry the b****"

All I ask of Sarah is that she leave me out of her blog, she has no business in my life now, nor I in hers. and as of now I will be forgetting she exists.

ok. Well then you won't read this, so you won't know that I've answered it. That's fine!

I would like the things that would be BG to be given to Ian.

BG (because she is a beautiful girl!)

the mug that says "worlds greatest father"

Which one? The one from last fathers day? I bought that, on Sam's instructions, from both of them. The one before that was broken in the house you abandoned (and there is no other word for the state of that house.)

I gave that to HIM from HER. that does not belong to AC.

Leave AC out of this. He's lost enough already.

There.

Indeed.

Well it was not nice to come back from an emotional evening to find this, but as the day started with

and for the last damned time,

that was not what happened.

i wanted to VISIT the states, i was HOME SICK

but no


no one gives a shit about me.

it's all poor richard and how horrible i made his life

well done bitch

on my email, I knew what would be waiting. Yes, it is poor Rich. He died, horribly, in a bike accident, too young, leaving a family he loved, a future he was looking forward to, and a life he was really, really enjoying. It's poor BG, poor AC, poor his friends, poor me, poor RAF. To some extent, I don't have the energy to be poor Lori right now. I've done it so much over the years.

Never mind.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Woke up to threats...

... of a kind...

Apparently it had better be the last time I blame her for the end of the marriage. Apparently it was HIS (sic) fault too. (There was no what might happen, just that it had better be...!)

I just read yesterdays blog and I didn't say it was her fault, I said I wasn't going there. So I didn't. Whatever she read into it, her own mind put there herself.

And I wrote back to her, a long email which I knew she won't read or reply to properly, and that's ok. She had a go at me on a day when I'm off to another memorial thing. I thought she might, and she did. But I'd be angry in her position too.

Anyway, what I wrote is here. On the grounds it's my blog, and I can quote myself if I want. I wrote it with tears in my eyes, but no anger. Why would I feel anger towards her? There is just sorrow really. Sorrow and pity.

///////////////////////////////////////////////////

She-Ex, in my blog, I will write what I like. If you don't like it, don't read it. No one makes you, and let's face it, you've told me several times that you don't read it. I didn't say you were at fault, I said "let's not go there." because I didn't want to. I didn't say it was you, or him, or anyone. There's a lot of things I haven't written on my blog, that I could do, that were reasons why that marriage should have ended, but he wanted to keep it going! He told me so much that first summer that we knew each other, we talked so much about you, your behaviours, his behaviours, BG, how to help all three of you. How you could be a family that worked as a unit. He loved BG so much, that he would have done that, because that situation was what he knew.

And then he realised some things, one of which was that you were determined to go back to the States regardless. He realised what a relationship should be like, and he realised what parenting should be like, and how he could do it and do a really, really good job of being a parent. He was a wonderful stepfather, and fabulous partner, and would have been a fantastic biological father. We planned our family, lying in bed in the dark, talking names, talking birth plans, talking about places we'd go, talking about telling BG, talking about telling AC. He was going to do whatever it took for us to have a child together, because he wanted it so badly with me, not just because I wanted it, but because he wanted it too.

If you don't like that, that's not my problem. It's my blog, I'll write what I like. From my perspective, when one person wants a marriage to continue, and the other one doesn't and leaves the country, then there's only one person who is to blame for the end of the marriage.

You chose not to get divorced and you chose to do that to make him miserable, to prevent us from getting married. You couldn't prevent him Promising himself to me, you couldn't prevent him loving me, wanting me, raising a beautiful and fantastic son in such an active and interesting lifestyle.

You couldn't stop him wanting me to be pregnant, trying to get me there in such exciting ways, wanting to lie beside me feeling the baby move, wanting to read to it each night, watching homebirth things with me, planning our homebirth, and wanting to raise him or her or hopefully them, in such a way as they were active, self-teaching, world loving children. He grieved with me for our family, but we were optimistic that we could do this, and that we would do whatever it took.

You couldn't stop him being so proud of AC when AC first read a whole sentence, then a whole page, then a whole book to him, or when AC called him Daddy accidentally, and *didn't* self correct, or when AC wanted Rich to be there so that AC was protected from something that scared him, or when AC first rode his bike without stabilisers and was only 4. You couldn't stop him teaching AC about flight, parachutes, engines, trees, plants, animals, computer games, woodwork tools, any of those and a thousand things besides. You stopped him doing all that for BG, and you got to keep the piece of paper.

And again, you choose to have a go at me on a day when I am making another journey to remember him. I still have several of these journeys to make, to spend time with his friends, his work colleagues, his family, the people that he liked spending time with. And every time I come home, it's to the house he was building me, the place where we lived, laughed, loved, and brought up a wonderful son together. It's still full of his memories, his things, his life, and his spirit comes and goes as he will.

I will blog it up to BG, so she can know that again, more people gathered to remember her father, because he was a fine man. It'll be interesting to hear stories from his past - I've heard things already that make me believe even more what he told me, which was that with me, he'd never been happier in his life. Even though you did your best to stop that She-Ex, you couldn't. You took BG and used her against us, you shouted, you cursed, you hated, you loved, you refused contact, you wouldn't send pictures, you lied, you were vile to me, you were nasty about AC, and yet he was still the happiest he'd ever been. You tried your very best to break him, and you couldn't break anything that we could not rebuild between us.

If you don't like that She-Ex, then that's not my problem. I know that, when he died, he was happy, that he loves us still, that we love him, and that any guilt for anything is not at my door. I made him happy, gave him the chance to express himself, to be himself. It's what any wife should do, and that's how he saw me. It took work, because cakes don't make themselves, the house doesn't clean itself, finances don't manage themselves, children don't raise themselves, and a future doesn't make itself, but we did it together. One day though, when BG wants to know about her Daddy, I will tell her what he was like with me, and I will tell her the things he wanted to tell her about you and he as a married couple. I won't put you down, because that's not my place, and because through everything you have put me through, I still believe that you are a good person, deep inside. I will answer any question she puts to me, honestly and with love.

So there we go. That was longer than I thought it was going to be, but tbh, you won't read it all, and you won't reply to it properly anyway. I feel better though! If you don't like what's in the blog, don't read it. No one makes you.

I hope BG is doing really well at school, although I will never know the truth of that now, will I. But she is in my prayers every day as are you, and I will always love her.

Me

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There was so much more I could add in, and I might do, on here. But yeah. It comes down to the fact that she doesn't like what I write, and yet she still reads it. Why she reads it? I have no idea. It won't stop me writing what I like though, and what I think. If she blogs about me, I don't know, and I don't care tbh.

Anyway, got to do notices!

Saturday, September 19, 2009

It's quiet.

It's Saturday night, and it's quiet.

So quiet.

He's not here to clear up and take me to bed. And so shortly, I shall climb the stairs, on my own, and lie in bed and think of him. Sometimes we chat, sometimes I cry, sometimes I think of other things as well as him.

The AC and I climbed all over Ellie today. We're going to get her fixed up and get her on the road. She's gorgeous.

We made blueberry cake.

I cleaned downstairs.

I cut half square triangles for a quilt.

I cried.

Stuff happened.

Last night, stuff didn't happen, because I-t-B called and we talked for 2 hours. I still think that him taking the ashes the way he did, that scattering them deliberately without me, was mean, cruel and heartless, but I'm starting to understand why he did it the way he did it. After all, he didn't know me, he only knew what the She-Ex had told him, and she told me and he told Rich that it wasn't nice, because she blamed me for the end of their marriage, when in reality, well.... let's not go there.

He was between a rock and a hard place, and he knows what he did. We'll see what happens about it all tomorrow.

Cheltenham should be interesting. There's no formal stuff apparently now, which is a big break down from what he had planned, but he's basically decided it should just be a huge booze up. Rich didn't like that side of his family, that drinking, fighting thing, any more, although he'd done enough of it himself when he was younger.

See, that's the thing. He'd grown up. He was a family man. We were planning a family together, seriously, with *effort* ;-) He didn't want all that rubbish. He wanted a woman who wanted a child with him, who wanted to raise that child with him, who wanted him to be part of that child's life, and to be involved in the pregnancy and the birth and the newborness, and the toddling and all of it. He wanted to know what it felt like to plan it and want it. And he wanted it so hard, so much.

It wasn't as a BG replacement, because we'd got past that a long time ago. It wasn't to replace the ones I'd lost. It wouldn't have been to give the AC a sibling. Our children (he planned on a couple!) would have been in existence simply for their own self.

And now, they won't.

And it's quiet.

Friday, September 18, 2009

It's another Friday.

I know exactly how many weeks.

I wonder who else does?

I hope not too many people. But it's 9 today.

9 weeks.

62 nights without him. That's a lot. It's the most we've ever had apart. Up until now, the most was 48, which was Khandahar.

I miss him.

But I'm sewing tonight, and cleaning, and doing ...... *stuff*

I'll let you know laters.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

and....

Nothing!

No phonecall from I-t-B, no vile email from the She-Ex (thankfully the BG is doing well in school, bless her little heart!), no demands for work from school, and the end of the month will still some money in the bank. Admittedly, not a lot, but some.

Next month will be the real test of whether this is a one wage house. And if it isn't, I will make it so, because I am not uprooting my son in the midst of his bereavement. Not at all.

School was ok. I taught Spanish (Still very ridiculous!) but I did it.

"Hola" I said. "Hola!" the massed crowd of faces replied.

But now it's bedtime.

I am a sleepy bear, missing her man. I want to feel his hands just sliding over me as he passes to go to the kitchen, his kisses as he takes my hand to take me up to bed. I want to feel the touch of his gaze as we get ready for bed, because his eyes were so intense, I could feel them drift over my body as he watched me. I want to feel the warmth of him in our bed, and the urgency in his touch, and the joy in his body as I respond to that urgency with my own. I want it, I need it. I need him, all of him, blessed as he was, I need him.

And then I want to feel his kisses on the back of my neck as we start to doze off, an hour or more later. I want to feel his hand in my hand, his leg draped over mine, and hear him tell me "Good night my darling."

I don't want a lot, do I.

And I'll never have it again.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

It's late...

... and I'm not in bed.

Tomorrow will be 2 months since my world was ripped apart.

I'm glad he's not here for another September though. They hurt him so much, every year, to know it was another year since the BG was taken away. And now he can see her whenever he wants, according to the AC. It's the BG I feel for, knowing she'll never see her father, and any chance of a relationship has gone. I feel sorry for the She-Ex in a way as well, who will have to explain to the BG one day why she never saw her Daddy after she was 3 years, 5 months old, when she could have seen him every day. Why there wasn't regular webcam and photos and so on. There will be the blog though, and I have plans for that, that don't involve the She-Ex.

I still haven't heard anything about who or what is supposed to have upset her, so I'm guessing it's nothing again, or she's dragging something up from the past again. "Whatever!" as they say in the common parlance!

I should go to bed.

I should.

I am.

G'night.

Of phonecalls and so forth

Well, phonecalls and so forth have been made.

Cheltenham will be what it is. I don't know what it is. It was initially born from I-t-B's grief at the event, from his reluctance to have the Celebration here, from all kinds of things. It was originally to be a formal memorial, with a Forces element and so on. Now, it is ..... a party? I don't know. A gathering? I don't know.

I think, knowing what I-t-B wants it to be would be useful. But I don't think he knows.

However, Hannah is driving me down there, and then back again that night, although we have the option of somewhere to stay.

I will show them that I am not cowed by the mighty Family though, and the vulnerable person I was after the accident is gone now (mostly....) I will be looking for answers, and will be a terrier until I get them - and when again will I see them face to face? I don't know.

Oh, it's probably just talk. I'm angry at the ignorance of stupid parents, or lazy parents, or parents who don't parent in the best way for their child, and actually, this time it isn't just in My Opinion, because doping a child with chemicals to make him behave is never, ever going to be in the best interests of that child. And doping is what it is. We manage him perfectly well at school, it's his parents who can't cope with him at home, who can't occupy him - and neither of them work, so they can't be *that* tired! And yet, he turned up in school at the start of school, doped to the eyeballs again, on ridiculous ADHD medication. Mother is trying to claim an ADD diagnosis as well now, but seriously? NOPE! Learn to parent woman!

Most ADHD/ADD medications are speed derivatives, stop working when the child hits puberty, and then there is this big child who has no understanding of their emotions because they have been doped out of them for years.

Not to mention the side effects....

Adderall Side Effects

The most common side effects are restlessness or tremor; anxiety or nervousness; headache or dizziness; insomnia; dryness of the mouth or an unpleasant taste in the mouth; diarrhea or constipation; or impotence or changes in sex drive.

Concerta Side Effects

In the clinical studies with patients using CONCERTA®, the most common side effects were headache, stomach pain, sleeplessness, and decreased appetite. Other side effects seen with methylphenidate, the active ingredient in CONCERTA®, include nausea, vomiting, dizziness, nervousness, tics, allergic reactions, increased blood pressure and psychosis (abnormal thinking or hallucinations).

Ritalin Side Effects

Nervousness and insomnia are the most common adverse reactions but are usually controlled by reducing dosage and omitting the drug in the afternoon or evening.

Other reactions include hypersensitivity (including skin rash, urticaria, fever, arthralgia, exfoliative dermatitis, erythema multiforme with histopathological findings of necrotizing vasculitis, and thrombocytopenic purpura); anorexia; nausea; dizziness; palpitations; headache; dyskinesia; drowsiness; blood pressure and pulse changes, both up and down; tachycardia; angina; cardiac arrhythmia; abdominal pain; weight loss during prolonged therapy.

Allergic reactions: skin rash, hives, drug fever joint pains possible. Headache, dizziness rapid and forceful heart palpitation-infrequent.

Strattera Side Effects

Upset stomach, decreased appetite, nausea or vomiting, dizziness, tiredness, decrease in appetite, some weight loss, and mood swings were the most common side effects.

In rare cases, Strattera can cause allergic reactions, such as swelling or hives, which can be serious. Your child should stop taking Strattera. Call your doctor or healthcare professional if your child develops any of these symptoms.

He's now on something new because Ritalin and Strattera both caused amazing drowsiness. Or, calling it as it appeared at the time when he was slumped on my lap, unconsciousness. We could not wake this child. At all.

I know he's not my child. I know that I am in loco parentis for a few short hours, but when he wasn't on the drugs he was great! He learnt, he was naughty at times, LIKE ANY OTHER CHILD, but we dealt with them and talked them through, and gave him ways he could manage his behaviour. When he wasn't on the drugs he liked himself. The drugs make him irritable, which is very common in younger children, although it's worse in girls than in boys.

But we were coping, managing and he was learning. Now he's doped up, isn't learning, isn't caring, isn't himself, but if that's how his mummy prefers him, there's nothing I can say.

And if E-A-L or I-t-B cops the anger for all that, well, I shall try and be sorry.

(Actually, we all know I'll feel miserably guilty about it, although what I shall have said will be painfully accurate. Ah well.)

The Police phoned

and all is good.

There is still no date for the inquest, and I wish that there was, as that is one more formality out of the way. It is just a mere formality.

There was other bits and pieces, which are good to know and I am happy with the results, for all the parties involved.

I slept on the sofa for 2 hours whilst my sister was here and doing internet stuff. I then went to bed. Yes, I was shattered!

The driving lesson went really well though, and it shouldn't be long before the world is the mollusc of my choice.

And my sister is coming down to Cheltenham with me, which will be fab.

Monday, September 14, 2009

9 million tons of work...

.... but at least it's a job and I'm not dependent on handouts from anyone!

And I have good friends who text me. I have a family who love me.

I am getting over my irritation with ignorant parents.

I am answering more questions with the child about the BG with "Well, one day we'll know!" in the hope that one day we will.

Next door have been round to offer to clear the tree thing.

Alfie Bravo (the eldest of Ru's tribe) had his first day at school today. We phoned him. He loved it. He's so lovely.

I miss Rich. But tonight, I can feel him here. I think that's why I keep expecting him home the last couple of days. He's home again for a while. Regardless of what they did with him, he's home. Nothing can separate us until we are ready. That's a cool feeling.

It's all good.

And Wordlive do it again!

I was just thinking about the "thing-at-the-end-of-the-week" and about the opportunity that I am giving people, just by attending it, to attack me and the love we have, and how, as a wordsmith, there are things creeping into my mind that I could say, that would hurt, that would shut people up long enough for me to escape.

And Wordlive today?

2 Corinthians 4

Present Weakness and Resurrection Life
1 Therefore, since through God's mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart. 2 Rather, we have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God. On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly we commend ourselves to everyone's conscience in the sight of God. 3 And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing. 4 The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel that displays the glory of Christ, who is the image of God. 5 For what we preach is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake. 6 For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God's glory displayed in the face of Christ.

Main point: Touching base

It’s critical!
No one likes being criticised. And it can be even worse if our integrity is questioned. That was what happened to Paul.

His enemies in Corinth despised him and tried to undermine his authority in the church. So he had to defend himself without really wanting to boast or claim things which might impress but which he found distasteful. He denies being underhanded (vs 1,2), accuses his opponents of being blind (vs 3,4) and reminds them of his calling (vs 5,6).

Authentic faith
In chapter 3 Paul had compared his own experience of gazing upon God with that of Moses (see Exodus 34:33–35). Paul received his commission as an apostle when he saw the risen Jesus on the road to Damascus (see Acts 9:1–19). That’s why he tells the church that his opponents can never make him lose heart (v 1) and he doesn’t need to bend the truth or act in a deceptive manner (v 2).

Paul’s authentic faith has led him to be God’s servant – and theirs.

Touching base
At times of accusation or misunderstanding it is vital to touch base with our experience and knowledge of the truth about Christ. Maybe you have experienced this in the past. Bring that situation to Christ, praying for the kind of grace that Paul demonstrates here.

Robert Willoughby

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Ooooch!

Ok. So I know, and He knows, that these attacks are likely. And between us (and we all know that means through his Grace!) I have to still play nice, because that's what the world needs.

Message received. Attempts at understanding made. Showering whilst I think on it.

These Wordlive chaps are fearfully clever - do they have a copy of my calendar or something? Maybe the house is bugged!