Sunday, July 26, 2009

I cannot tell

I had chosen this for my changing of membership service, several weeks before
Rich died. We sung it the Sunday I went back to church. Verse 2 crippled several
of us. He had been dead 9 days by then.

I cannot tell why He, whom angels worship
Should set His love upon the sons of men
Or why, as Shepherd, He should seek the wanderers
To bring them back, they know not how or when
But this I know, that He was born of Mary
When Bethlehem's manger was His only home
And that He lived at Nazareth and laboured
And so the Saviour, Saviour of the world, is come

I cannot tell how silently He suffered
As with His peace He graced this place of tears
Or how His heart upon the cross was broken
The crown of pain to three-and-thirty years
But this I know, He heals the broken-hearted
And stays our sin, and calms our lurking fear
And lifts the burden from the heavy-laden
For yet the Saviour, Saviour of the world, is here

I cannot tell how He will win the nations
How He will claim His earthly heritage
How satisfy the needs and aspirations
Of east and west, of sinner and of sage
But this I know, all flesh shall see His glory
And He shall reap the harvest He has sown
And some glad day His sun shall shine in splendour
When He the Saviour, Saviour of the world, is known

I cannot tell how all the lands shall worship
When, at his bidding, every storm is stilled
Or who can say how great the jubilation
When all the hearts of men with love are filled
But this I know, the skies will thrill with rapture
And myriad, myriad human voices sing
And earth to heaven, and heaven to earth, will answer
'At last the Saviour, Saviour of the world, is King!'

And what I sent?

ok She-Ex.

Glad BG is doing ok and she knows some nice stories about her father.



Polite, inoffensive, nothing to get het up about.

She also said she'd googled Rich's name and found something she wanted to explain to me later. I told I'd seen it, vaguely a long time ago and R and I had chatted over it. I don't want to hurt her by telling her what really happened. There's no need for that right now. Or telling her I found it a few days ago. I posted it up on here, then took it down, because if she is still reading this, I didn't want to upset her.

If she brings it up again, I'll tell her.

It hasn't even got the right D.O.B on it for heavens sake!

It's ok.

These are the things I'd like to write to the She-Ex. I let her know about the article in the paper, I got an email back about stuff, more information about what BG had been up to than we'd had for the longest time. I got told not to be sarcastic. I got told they had to go to charity shops for BG's back to school things. I got told it's nice to be able to sleep again. This is the reply I didn't write.


I'm not making any sarcastic comments. I'm glad he had us for the last few years as well. I'm glad he was happier than he'd ever been as well. I have no regrets over anything that we did together or anything I did for him. Some other people do, and have expressed those regrets to me. At the end of the day, that was their real actions, as opposed to anything now. And that's ok. We had a wonderful life, not a perfect one, but it was ours, and we had each other, and we had our plans and dreams. I'm glad that for him, the heartache of not seeing BG is over, the arguing and horribleness is over, he never has to think about if he'll get pictures this week or not, or if he wants to open an email before he goes to work and take a chance on starting his day with insults and abuse. That's all over for him, and I'm glad, because I love him.

I'm glad you are finally in a place where you can tell BG good stories about her father, and laugh about him. If everything happens for a reason as he believes, maybe this was it. Maybe this was what it took.

I'm not worried about Rich's mum. What more can I lose? Nothing. She can say what she likes, like everyone can, but I know where he was happy, his real friends know where he was happy, and that was with AC and I. Anyone else's problems are theirs. I have heard from other people this week how much he talked about us, and our plans, even those I didn't think anyone else knew about! And that makes me proud, that he was so proud of us he talked about us to other people in that way. I know he loves my mum, and respects my father, and they love and respect him. I know my family accepted him just the way he was, and that he revelled in that love and acceptance, was amazed by it. These days, I know why.

I'm glad you and his brother are going to have good contact, and that is a true bonus from this whole thing. All the new things she'll hear about, and the new things she'll do, will be lovely, and Ian won't get the abuse that we did, so that will be better for her as well.

There are going to be money issues for all of us. We'll get by, although it's not like I can do overtime or anything, but it's ok. I can support my son without anyone else's help if I need to, although the money is the least of my thoughts, even though it seems top of a lot of other peoples lists. And that's ok. I miss him as a lover, as a father, as a man, not as anything else, so I have other things on my mind. I'll get to it when I get to it.

AC is all over the place. He has lost more than phonecalls though, and the everyday things are hard for him to cope with. He's seen me cry a couple of times, but not too much. It's not good for him, as a child, to see me like that, so he doesn't. He knows I'm very sad, he knows that Rich is gone, that the games they played are over, that the silliness has stopped, that the unconditional support and the homework help, and all that is over. But he knows that "love, like star light, never dies." I hope BG is getting as much solace from that book as he is. I know Rich loved it, and sent it to her so she knew he loved her even when she was naughty and he was here and she was there. Now he's further away, although closer, but it's a lovely book. He knows that we had a very loving family, and that there is nothing that we would have done differently on even the last month of his life, let alone the last few days, or few hours.

We know he loves us, and we love him. And he's glad Rich is dead so that he can see BG whenever he wants. That was his first thought. He's glad that no one will shout at Rich anymore. He's glad Rich is in the happier place.

As for asking what you and BG can do, I have no idea. We asked for so little, and so much of it we never had when he was alive, that asking now seems hypocritical. And that's ok.

Everything is ok.

Nothing will ever be as fabulous and wonderful and complete as it was, but it's ok.

Sleep is still escaping me, although the AC is doing better. And that's ok too. It will all work itself out in the end. Everything will settle down, everyone will go back into the woodwork, and the AC and Rich's friends and I can get on with remembering him the way he really was, the way we really knew him.

So there we go.


Will I send it or not? Probably not. I can't deal with the marshmellowness of her at the moment, how suddenly the man she hated with such a vituperate passion is now ....... whatever it is. I don't know. To be honest, I don't care.

I know the reality of the situation the week before he died. I know how bad things were. We'd talked about it, we'd made plans. And now those plans are not going to come to fruition, and that' ok.

I knew his intentions. One day, when I feel more like it, I'll write about them. Right now though, they are warm and safe in my heart.

What matters is three things.

He loves BG and wanted the best for her.
He loves AC and provided the best for him.
He loves me, and nothing will ever replace that because nothing could be as good as we were together.

I've been told by so many people, who knew him when he was younger, who knew him through his marriage, who then knew him with me, that he was the happiest he had ever been. The only dark side of his life was having to deal with the She-Ex, and the abuse and horrible attitude, and the lack of contact with BG. The 5th of June was the last time he had any pictures of his little girl, and I can read back through and see all the skipped phonecalls. And now it's over. He died loving me more than he had ever thought it possible to love anyone, he died with hopes and dreams for us as a family, and that he died the happiest he had ever been. That matters, not because *I* want to win some mysterious contest, although I'm sure one will be made out of it at some point, but because he died a very happy man.

That matters.

That means that I can celebrate his life with no guilt, no "what could I have done better?" no nothing like that. I can just celebrate.

That's a liberating feeling.

Today is another busy day.

My membership service is still taking place. We are having lunch with Hannah and Alan and the others afterwards. Life will go on. He lived everyday with a permanent bereavement - the loss of a real relationship with BG - and he learnt how to keep living and loving as much as he could. Sitting around crying would be no honour to his memory. And besides which, he's here, and I know he loves us. Like the AC said, he can see her whenever he wants now, and why wouldn't I glory in that for him? That's what love is.

And oh Lord, I love him.

First gaming session

We've just finished our first gaming session without Rich.

We didn't game, we watched a film. I went to sleep. C tried to massage some of the knots out of my back and as I relaxed I dozed off. It's the first time I've just "fell asleep" since Rich died.

It's been a hectic day again. At one point there were 5 adults and 9 children in the house. It was fine, the AC had a lovely day, the children all enjoyed themselves, and the adults were all shattered!

I've emailed the She-Ex to let her know about the article being online. I've saved BG a copy of the paper, and I'll send it all to her when everything is over. I've tried writing to the BG so many times, but each time it just sounds like she missed out on a life with an amazing man and the chance to know her Daddy properly. I guess that's because she did. The AC worshipped the ground R walked on, and for reasons best known to himself. He's spent a lot of time in Ellie today, just sitting, or talking to Megan, or just ferreting around. He says he feels like Rich is there as well sometimes, and I told him that was cool.

It's all cool. Everything *will* all be fine. He promised me that. And therefore it will be. He never broke a promise to me, not ever.



See you in the morning people. It's another busy day tomorrow!