Today the AC and I did what we always do on a Thursday.
We walked to town, we got the bus, and we went to see my parents and go to the market and just putter about town. And it was great.
We had lunch.
We went back to my parents place and I slept on the sofa for a while.
We went over to see Fran and the children (Ru is up a crane somewhere in Greenwich!) and we played. We came home via the Golden Arches as a treat for the AC, and he's now in bed, reading a book on Inline Skating.
All so terribly normal.
And yet there were terribly abnormal things in the day.
PC Ian had read me the witness reports on Tuesday. I know now exactly what happened. Precisely. It was hard hearing, but now I know. And that's ok. But when the AC asked me "Did a wheel go on Richard Mummy?" I had to decide what to tell him. Does he need to know all the details? No. Not yet. Maybe when he's bigger, maybe not.
Someone asked me about the scattering, and I had to tell them what had happened. They were shocked, and told me I was too reasonable. What difference will unreasonable make now? Two wrongs will not make it right.
The waves of nausea are still there. I'm now down to 10st4. -144lbs. That's almost a stone now (yeah, the weight had crept on because of Feb and April, but that's ok.) The nausea is making it difficult to eat, but that's ok, I'm getting there slowly. As long as I stay over 140 I'll be fine. I could stand, medically, to lose more, but I'd rather not! 140 - 160 is about my limit really. There's not medical reason for me to go over that weight again!
Those things are abnormal.
But the rest, the rest is becoming my new normal. And it's ok. As a new normal goes, it's ok.
I have a plan for the next 3 weeks, and when it's getting there, I'll do a longer one. And it's ok.
It's all ok.
Ok, is the new normal. The new wonderful and fabulous, is now, without Rich, just ok.
But hey - I guess I have a pretty spiffy life still right? Yeah baby. Oh.... apart from.....
Thursday, August 13, 2009
is deciding whether to stay up and watch the meteors or not. Probably not. But I remember standing in a field to watch some, wrapped in Rich's coat, (yeah, he was wearing it at the time!) and him telling me about meteors. Romantic? Maybe. Geeky? Yeah. Warm and loving and special? :-)
And it was. I loved the feeling of standing with his arms around me, leant against his chest. Often he would randomly kiss the top of my head - he was that tall!
We watched meteors like that.
We watched the Red Arrows like that.
We watched landrovers race, and twist off, and soldiers fight at Naseby, and a thousand and one other things, just like that. It was like being in our own bubble of twoness. The AC would come and stand with us, and slide his arm between us, so that he was entwined as well. Into a threeness. Rich would bubble the world around us, as he put it, keeping everyone else away, keeping us safe. He will never abandon us in that way. Even the AC knows that Rich can now fight the bad dreams from the inside out, instead of just from the outside in.
I know he's taking care of me, because I know what I know. So much of the world is now in an SEP field, because of his actions, and I don't need to worry about it. That's a warm feeling, that's one that says he's taken care of us, even from beyond the veil.
It seems impossible to look at the pictures of him, and realise that he is gone from this world, but he is, and I know it, but even now, I know he's around. The world may think that's crazy, but I know real love never ends, and this won't. Because it was real. Not based on what he could do for me, or my own poor self esteem, but based on his love for me, as a person, and as the person I could be.
Yes, he wrapped the AC and I and kept us safe, but we did the same for him in our own ways. The AC was able to let him play, in a way he couldn't with the BG, because she was gone from him. I loved him and supported him and was the woman he loved and wanted, the girlfriend he was proud of. The woman who made him want to be a better man.
And he was better. For us, for BG, for himself, he was better. And I love him. I can feel his love for me.