Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Satisfied

The house looks lovely.

Downstairs.

To be honest, upstairs is still a bit of a shambles and there's paperwork to mark and sort out on the dining room table. But everywhere else is lovely.

The house smells of a combination of bleach and fresh bread. Tescos have delivered, I've roasted a poussin and scoffed the lot with two huge slices of bread.

And now I'm off to bed. I'm tired tonight. IF I get up later I'll blog, if not, I won't.

LOL!

SDP - Check!

The School Development Plan is almost done. Well, my part of it anyway. It's a little ambitious, but only stuff that has to be done anyway.

And now I need to tidy as the house is horrible.

First things first! lists of 3's

Kitchen
dishwasher
sink
sides

Lounge
clothes
floor
hoover

Dining room
table
floor
hoover

Bathroom
washing
floor
wipe

and then back to the kitchen again!

Updates at some point!

Another day....

.... another flipchart!

I've done the chart for this morning, and this afternoon is music and RE with Mr Turner.

I think this way of planning and working could be really good for me, really focus me to do things. It's just, again, having the time.

I've planned 3 hours of work.
It's taken an hour (partly because I knew where some of the stuff was from yesterday and partly because I am quicker now)
Marking will take around an hour.

2 hours work for 3 hours learning is much less time that usual! Problem is, it's not on a planning sheet or anything yet, but I can work on all that.

The AC had a good night and still isn't up. I'll go and wake him in a while.
The house looks like a bomb has gone off, so that's what I'll be doing straight after school tonight. I'm aiming to get a lift back with Mr T and then get straight on with the house, do tomorrows flipchart, and then be able to actually have a relaxing evening without guilt tonight.

That's relaxing, not collapsing.

Off we go then!

Monday, March 30, 2009

Ok, I've done not a fat lot.

AC didn't get to sleep until around 8.40, so I didn't eat until 9pm.

And tonight, for some reason, I have nothing going on. I have a lot of work to do. A LOT. I'm not kidding on that front. I'm just not quite there tonight. I'm tired (understandably as I've been up since 4am) and I'm missing R, and I can't quite figure out what's happening with anything else right now.

When I'm without him, I feel like a large part of me is missing. I know I'm a strong and independent woman, that I can fight anyone and anything, and I *will* win, but there are times, right now, when I need him.

I'm not ashamed to say I need him - it would be nothing of a relationship if I didn't need him - and it's hard to put into words. I need him. I can manage without him. I am more than capable of earning enough money to support myself and my son, I can emotionally support myself, I care about and like myself, it's not about an appreciation of who I am physically, emotionally or mentally, in some kind of way that means I need him to validate myself.

I just need him.

I need to sit here with his arms around me, my head snuggled on his shoulder and his fingers tracing patterns on my skin without thinking.
I need to look up, and catch him looking at me, just to see me.
I need to walk past him, and feel his hand caress me as I pass, just because.
I need to roll over in bed, and feel his body move towards me, even in sleep wanting to touch.

I need him.

I need the words of love that warm me.
I need the words of support that strengthen me.
I need to bounce ideas off of him, and hear him share his thoughts and hopes and dreams with me.

I need him.

I know that there are feminists all over the world weeping into their lattes about the fact that I have confessed a need for a man, but this is not just any man. I've had boyfriends a plenty, I've been married twice, I've never been short of a man if I've wanted one. Sometimes I did, sometimes I didn't. I liked having someone around, so I usually had someone, and I was always emotionally involved. I loved the feeling of being wanted and desired, so much more than I ever wanted or desired them. I always had people around me, and all were boys. I cared for them all deeply and carefully, mothering them all, bringing out their potential, feeding them, protecting them. But in every relationship, there was a lack, there was a something missing.

And then there was R. Suddenly, from nowhere, he appeared. From somewhere, he became a friend. From a friend, he became more. From more, he became everything. He's the equal partner I always looked for, who can dominate me when I need it, but who can pacify the storm of my emotions with a blanket of love and reasonableness. He needs loving, and caring for and protecting, but he also protects me, he defends me from all comers, he is the head of the family I always wanted, with the same dreams as me, the same aims and wants and desires. We can lie in bed at night and plan a future together, in a way that I was never able to before, and neither was he.

R is my other half. He completes me. And that's why I've done no work.

I bet the head doesn't buy it...... I doubt anyone could truly understand this. I wish everyone could though! I wish the world felt this loved and loving. It would be a better place.

The plan for tonight.,,,,

The AC has had a slightly poorly belly, so we didn't go to KSW and he was confined to toast for his tea. It's something he's eaten (I can tell by the ........ well, you don't want to know really!) and I suspect it is mandarin oranges for lunch. I'll let the cook know and I'll try him with some at home in a controlled environment at some point!

It's now 8pm.
AC is in bed.
Cat is fed.
Guinea pig and Mini pig are fed.
Fish lights are on.

I need to:
empty the dishwasher,
put the washing on,
reload the dishwasher
wipe around the sink
find the living room floor
plan tomorrow mornings lessons (PPA in the afternoon! Hurray!)
mark the literacy books to take back
plan the rest of the weeks lessons.

Should take no time at all lol!

I've also spoken with R, settling in ok, and I've emailed BG to let her know that he's settling in ok and all is well in his world.

I wonder what you are doing tonight Dear Reader?

Forgiveness

I was going to blog about forgiveness today.

The sermon on Sunday (and a very good one at that) was about forgiveness and it started off with the fact that we are forgiven by God.

What David said was "Some days I need to remember that God loves me, not for what I might be, but for what I am, today." That really struck a chord with me, because there are days when I don't feel very much that God can love me. My living arrangements are nonconventional, my attitude to paperwork is bad, and I have a propensity to use language as a weapon. (note use of word propensity was irony!) But God loves me, and he loves me just because. He knows I'm trying, importantly, he knows how hard I'm trying. I need to remember he knows that when temptation strikes me!

The next thing he said, was that God forgives us, and we struggle to forgive others.

Martin Luther King once said ""Forgiveness is not an occasional act: it is an attitude."

and I happen to think he has a point. I can choose to forgive someone, but unless I act on that behaviour, then my forgiveness is just a set of words, like someone saying sorry for name calling and then doing it again a moment later. Sorry just becomes a word, a thing we say, without meaning. "I forgive you." can become the same way. Jesus had that attitude of forgiveness on the cross ("Forgive them Father, they know not what they do.",Luke 23 v 34) and we should strive to be like that. He was being tortured and killed. We can let a few nasty words go!

The third thing he said (David being a fan of the traditional 3 point sermon!) was that if we didn't blame so much, we wouldn't have so much to forgive. Forgiving someone doesn't mean, "Your actions are unimportant, the way you hurt me doesn't matter," it means "Ok, you did this thing, and I am moving on." He talked about how compassion was better than bitterness, and how dwelling on the past doesn't make it better, or easier, but makes it eat away at us until it dominates our lives, and how the healthier thing for us, for our families, for our spiritual selves, is to let go of that bitterness, look for the compassionate act, and live with an attitude of forgiveness.

There was more to it than that, but I was making notes in my diary and I only had red crayon with me, so it was all written a bit big!

Anyway, there we go!

I need to make a concious effort to live with an attitude of forgiveness. It's not the same thing as being a doormat, just means that I need to pray for the people who hurt me and my family on a regular basis. I don't dwell in the past, and I've never seen the point in it, but the present certainly makes me think unkind things sometimes, though I very rarely let them out (they are fleeting!) and recording them gives them life. Not good.

And now it's 0630, and I'm going to have some porridge!

Weirdness in education?

I've just spent over an hour working on a flipchart in ActivePrimary3 that will take us through the entire day.

I've uploaded it into the VLE.

I just need to make sure the links work when I get to school, and we're all done!

In many ways, technology is great. But I could have done my whole day without the children *doing* anything for real. Even the science experiments can be done online, without actually touching any real things.

They won't be. My children are having water and plastercine out to make shapes to investigate water resistance.

But where will this stop?

I have no idea what time it is...

.... apparently.

My body has been awake since what it feels is 5 o'clock, as usual. I tried several times to point out that it was only 4 am, and I was on the phone to R until 1130pm, so there's a bit of a lack of sleep going on, but no, it was not having it. So I've given in, got up, and am poking espresso to find information about parachutes.

I'm assuming that the She-Ex got the email - there's no comments on the blog nor yet a blatent reply, so that's clear enough lol! As long as BG sees it at some point, it's all good. I don't expect them to be able to look at it straight away - after all, they have busy lives too!

I'm going to blog some more on forgiveness in a bit. I just need to make a hot drink first.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

I'm cooking prawn skewers

I felt you should know that.

It's going to be a late night, because it always is the first night he's away. So I'm eating now. I meant to eat earlier but I've been busy, so I'm finishing up some barbecue stuff from last year.

Miss him.

I know.

Makes you want to be sick, Dear Reader, but that's already in the sidebar, so don't blame me. If you don't like what you read, then look to the top of your screen, on the right hand side, you'll see an x. Click the x, and what you don't like goes away.

If only everything in life was that simple lol!

Work

I need to be doing some.

I did BG's blog, emailed the She-Ex to tell her that I'd done it, that we were on BST now and back to 7 hours difference, and that I'd pass on anything to R that he needs to know.

I tried to be polite without being patronising, informative without being teacherlike, but I expect I got something wrong lol!

Right.

Work.

*sigh* *mope* *sigh*

Yeah, he just left.

And I'm missing him already, as they say!

AC is getting himself in the bath early because he wants jama's on early so that he can play a game with me.

Joe is sulking upstairs (he'll sulk for days without R here!) and will come down for tea and then lie on the floor by the door like a dog instead of the cat he's supposed to be.

Fudge is dozing in the sun.

Lightening is sleeping in a curled up ball in a pile of cotton shavings in his house.

Dave is on his wood, waving his antennas and waiting to be fed.

The fish are, well, just being fish, to be honest. Gorgeous, but fishy.

And I'm feeling him leave, and making a mental list of things I need to do tonight.

There's been no response from the He-Ex to the email I sent him, and the She-Ex is having a problem with the way we told BG what was happening and not her. But then she answered the phone this afternoon and showed no interest at all, so it can't be that important. The niceness has gone though, so I was right not to get too excited about her changing on a permanent basis. She is a really nice person when she's being really nice, but the opposite is also true, and I can't make space for that in my life anymore.

I forgive her time and again, and I always will. There's only one thing I really struggle to find the forgiveness in me towards her for, but I'm working on it, and one day I will. Every photo makes it easier, every missed opportunity makes it harder.

Ah well.

Right. Onwards and upwards as they say! Ben10 Alien Force it is!

*clocks change*

Have you changed yours?

R changed most of ours last night, then the rest should take care of themselves. He wanted to be sure we got to church on time.

R doesn't do church, (After all, he is a Druid lol!) but he is so supportive of me going, and taking AC with me. He doesn't understand the things we do sometimes, like Lent, but he accepted that I was making a mental sacrifice, we talked about it, he thought it was barmy, but then has been making me different drinks than tea. Aside from the day when I was really upset, then he made me a tea and logically reasoned why I should drink it. If the weather is bad, he'll take us down and pick us up and so on.

He and I both think the AC should be exposed to Christianity as it is such a part of who and what kind of family is raising him. A small, and little known fact, is that the 3rd thing the AC heard was the Lords Prayer. It would have been the 2nd, after "I love you." but there was an unfortunate incident lol. (The midwife said "You have a beautiful baby boy!" I said "He's purple and he smells funny." In my defence, he did!) And then I whispered I love you in his left ear, and the Lords Prayer in his right.

Anyway.

AC is encouraged to ask questions, not to "shut up", or accept the answer "because I say so", even though that is easier, but to ask as many questions as he needs and wants to. If it's the same one over again, then he's asked to think about what he was told before, and if it would have changed by now, but that's about his only limitation on questions.

Part of that encouraging is that he is encouraged to ask about faith, and what ever he decides at that time is accepted as a valid part of his belief system. It changes all the time, mainly because he's 5 lol, but he knows that R believes differently to Mummy, and that they both believe differently to Daddy, and that whilst Grandma and Grandad believe the same things as Mummy, they believe them and do different things about them (they preach - I don't!)

What it means, is that he will come to faith in his own time, on his own terms, and with a solid acceptance of God in whatever form God displays himself to the AC.

I think it's a good thing lol!

Today is a busy day, packing, sorting, playing, working, baking, and eating.

Tonight will be a long night.

R had a good chat to the BG last night about it all, and she's fine about what's going on, and excited by it. AC is happy with what's happening, although he'll miss R, and has volunteered the warmest duvet to go with him, saying that he (AC) can just have 2 duvets instead! Or a duvet and the car blanket. Or a duvet and the fleece blanket. Or.... and it continues!

I will miss him, and be warned there could be some very mushy posts coming up!

Ah well.

Let's do the day and see where it leaves us.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Sleepy and contented


It's the end of the day here, and it's been gorgeous.

We haven't done anything amazing.
We went to town, I bought some fabric to try on the sewing machine, R got his hair cut in preparation for tomorrow, we sat joking in the hairdressers about life with the girl, we shared a couple of doughnuts on the way back to the car, went home, I made bacon sandwiches, and we chilled our way through the afternoon, via PC World for a couple of quotes I needed for work.

We went for a sleep in the afternoon ;-) and then had a tidy around and AC came home and we did his homework and he went to bed and then we played some WoW together after having discovered that there was nothing on TV and now it's bedtime.

Nothing exciting, nothing incredible, nothing even that interesting. Just lovely though. Just what we needed today. Several of the others are at Crown Tourney this weekend, so we weren't gaming, and it was nice to have time just to be us.

I was pottering around whilst AC was doing his homework at the table. R was doing things at the table, and they were chatting, helping with homework (and AC trying to help R with what he was doing.)

I'm sticking AC's homework on here because I'm very proud of him. He wrote this all by himself, when 6 months ago he wouldn't write. It's taken a lot of work to get him this far.

Tired now though. When R gets off the phone to the BG it's bedtime! She sounds happy and excited though, and that's what matters.

And he has.

Bedtime!

N.B. Must remember to change clocks.

It's the weekend....

.... and it's all starting!

I have an email from the He-Ex about access times over the holiday. I'll get to answering it in a moment, when R is up and we can discuss what we are doing. He-Ex is always very demanding about these things, and it's the third time in 3 weeks I've had this email, and the holidays are another week away. Wht we usually do is that the week carries on as normal, except the AC stays over from Tuesday 3pm (when his father would usually pick him up from school) until Wednesday 6pm when his father usually brings him home from school. Fridays and Saturdays stay the same. (pick up at 3pm instead of school pick up, stay over until 6pm Saturday evening.) At to that that the last few times I've offered him extra time he's turned it down, I don't feel like giving him any extras this week!

What he refuses to realise, is that I like to see my son as well. When I said this to him last time, he sent me an email with a comparison of how much we see the AC. My figure was indeed much larger. When I pointed out that the AC was asleep during those times, he replied that that was beside the point. *sigh* Do I need a reminder of why we aren't married anymore?

No phonecall from the BG last night. R phoned her and one phone wasn't answered, the other just went straight to answerphone. Maybe that's why they phoned on Thursday - so the She-Ex wouldn't feel the need to phone on Friday. It's the kind of logic that she has used before. There's no email this morning to explain why or anything, and I expect BG will have been told Daddy was busy/asleep/couldn't be bothered/has a new family now, whatever!

We may hear later on, we may not. We've given up on the Fed-Ex, and chalked it up to yet another...... well...... I don't know.

It would be easy to put it as a straight forward lie. That would mean we believed she had no intention of every sending them, even though she's over us/him/the past/ whatever!

It's more likely that something happened to the documents (coffee/lost/whatever) and she hasn't got around to getting any more.

Perhaps she was just too busy to send them. (But then she would have emailed and said, surely? And how long does it take to send some documents?)

Perhaps she just wants to stay married to him and feel the claim on him that way. She held for a long time that she loved him, and I didn't understand. I know what loving him is like - my way. Of course I don't understand her way. But I know the feeling of messing up what seemed like the most amazing relationship with a tremendous man. I'm lucky. I'm getting another chance with an even more tremendouser man. (And yes, I know tremendouser isn't a word!)

Oh well. They'll either turn up when they do, or they won't. She'll either say what happened, or she won't. Not a lot we can do about it! Soon there will be, we just have to hang on!

This is us - hanging!

In other news, next week will be the last week of our current head teacher, and the beginning of limbo until we get a new head teacher. It won't change what happens in my classroom, but a rudderless ship will flounder eventually.

It's raining horribly out there, and we are going into town. R needs a haircut for where he's going on Monday (Hence yesterdays celebration meal out!) and I might go and get some fabric and try a small quilt top on the machine today. I'd like to make one for Little Brother's baby which is due to make an appearance in a few weeks now. I'm going to have lots of days in the holidays without the child, according to his father, so I may as well get the stuff!

The house is a bombsite today after a week of odd shifts for him, weirdness at school and sleeping too much at home. As a fight or flight response, sleeping is rubbish, but it's what I seem to do best lol!

I shall go and start the washing and the kitchen.

No doubt there will be pointless updates to this as the day progresses!

Friday, March 27, 2009

I went on a date!

LOL!

I went on a date tonight. Obviously, it was with R, but he took me out for a meal, then for a drink, then to the cinema to watch "Knowing"

It was a good film, very scary in parts, until the end. Which was just stupid. Stooooopid. But that's only my opinion, and I have deliberately not put any spoilers in here because someone might want to go and see the film.

The day was good, the children were lovely, the Ex's are still quiet, the He-Ex is being a little hypocritical (but that's another issue) however the AC is utterly, utterly wonderful. And I'm tired, so I'm probably going to bed now.

I may be back on here later though, (probably to discuss hypocrisy!) you never know!

Sleeeeeeeeeeepy!

I am so sleepy today. Late night phone calls are wonderful, and I would never want R not to hear from BG, but oh my I'm tired!

(Well, maybe that had something to do with him coming to bed after the phonecall :-) )

Today is both a very simple and very important day. Hopefully AC will get his reading challenge. He was so pleased to tell R that he had got it and was Stage 7 now. He's really missed R the last couple of days. He's texted night night each night and I've nipped up to tell him when R has had chance to text back. At least this time we can do the same whilst R is away hopefully.

Today is such a milestone for us, and I'm so proud of him for making the step, and doing so calmly and gently, in the way that he does so many things. I was going to leave him a note in his lunchbox (soppy, but I do it every now and again!) but today is no lunches for any of us, but that's ok, I'll find a way ;-) I always do!

After all this rambing, it's time for a shower and dressed and so on. YAY!

Thursday, March 26, 2009

If you want a direct answer

..... ask a direct question!

It's not a bad philosophy, but BG just phoned tonight, and *suddenly* and *out of the blue* was asking Daddy if he was going away soon.

There is no way that was unprompted. This is one of those times where I just wish the She-Ex could be a little straight forward, and if she has a question, stick it in an email and ask it! The He-Ex is the same way - he says something to the AC, and the AC asks me and then he asks the AC what I said. Why not just be honest, and ask a straight forward question? We give both Ex's the information they need to know, when they need to know it. What else should we do?

Oh well.

It was great that R got to speak to the BG again though, and he's calling her tomorrow as well as usual.

AC was slightly disturbed, but I settled him easily enough again.

And I'm going back to bed again.

I don't want to say tomorrow looks like a normal day, in case it ends up a repeat of today!

Now this, this I can do without!

Lovely day, fairly normal.

And then.

Isn't there always an "and then?"

Well, today was lovely. We went to a friends house for a cup tea after school and that was lovely too.

Then we came home, and AC and I played for a bit and had some sandwiches and so on, and that was all lovely.

Then R came home, and he was early, not stupid o'clock at night, and that was super lovely to get an extra evening together.

But then he mentioned that Student Loans had been trying to get hold of me. Fine. Weird, as I don't have an account with them any more, and haven't since September last year when I paid the beggar off, but whatever. So I rang them.

I couldn't give automated woman a loan account number - I don't have a loan with them.
I didn't fit any of her categories.
So I pressed random buttons until I got through to a person.

The person struggled with the idea that I didn't have a loan account number, and then said (after taking some details) "Oh yes, I have you, your account is held by collections!"

I'm sorry - COLLECTIONS?

So they put me through and Obnoxious Patronising Woman tries to tell me I owe Student Loans £160. OPW says that it wasn't paid off in September. OPW says that *I* have made a mistake. I tell OPW that I haven't. OPW says I have but she can't give me any proof, I just have to pay the £160. I tell OPW I'd like to speak to her manager. OPW tells me that I can't, the manager is busy, and that the manager will need time to look over my file before coming to call me back. I eventually agree to this as long as it doesn't happen around my son's bedtime.

R had had a chat with the AC as I so rarely get cross that he thought something really bad had happened. AC and I snuggled and played, R cooked tea for all of us, and the evening improved.

Manager phones at 8pm. Her first words "How can we help you?"

I'm sorry, I thought I spent a while on the phone with OPW and she said you had to have time to look at the file before you could call. Apparently not.

Eventually she understands where I am coming from on this, and is going to listen to the converstions. I request a transcript. She tells me that's £10. I tell her it flaming well isn't, as if she can investigate but I have to pay to investigate then I will be calling the ombudsman as I think her investigation will be biased. She agrees to send me the transcript of the phone call that I claim told me that I was all paid off.

She's going to investigate. She'd put my account on hold. (How generous!) She'll call me before a fortnight is up, and we would see what happened then.

I was most unhappy with their attitude, but accepted this thus far and we'll see what they say.

R is being adorable and supportive. I've had a long bath, and I'm about to have an early bed, but I'm just doing this and watching the World Figure Skating Championships.

Nothing from either Ex today, which was a bonus with the way the day went! I'd have probably said something rude if they started on us today! I think it's coming though. There's something in the air.......

Ah well.

Relatively normal day ahead!

Apparently, I have nothing exciting planned for today. Obviously I do in terms of lessons, as my lessons are always exciting and so on, but there is nothing odd happening today. Aside from a site survey for wireless, it's all good.

Yesterday morning I sat here and wrote. And wrote. And wrote. I haven't written like that for a while (a major while) and now I'm looking at a finished short story, knowing it needs a little polish, and thinking, I could send this off. (post polish!) I think I will. I think I will actually do it. I want to. But what stops me?

Well, if I send it off and it gets published, I could write more, I would have to admit my favourite genre at the moment is truly utter tripe, but I like it. Nobody would need to know - I have a nom de guerre that I used to use. And I might get paid. Might.

If I send it off and it doesn't get published, then it gets rejected, and I look at why, do some work on it, and resubmit it or send it somewhere else. Nobody aside from the Dear Reader needs to know. And R, obviously.

If I don't send it off, I get to look at it, believing it good enough for publication, but secure in the knowledge that I need not find out for real. The truth need not come out.

But truth should come out.

For a long while, my sig line was

“Truth is like the sun. You can shut it out for a time, but it ain't goin' away.”


It's an Elvis Presley quote, and it struck a chord with me at the time in the face of the lies we were hearing about us from different people. And the truth did come out, and I even had someone admit they were wrong to have listened without asking me about the truth. But that's what I want to know. The truth.

I have always been a truth seeker. R is someone who values the truth, values honesty in a relationship, and so we fit together nicely. The He-Ex made a game of hiding things, of lying, to prove that he had the control in the relationship, to prove he was man over his woman.

So I want the truth about my writing. I've always been told I write well, I won a couple of competitions as a child, and I got 'A' in my A level Language paper.

That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to polish this up, and send it off. I'll keep you posted Dear Reader, and see what happens!

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Bedtime

Bedtime for this bunny.

There was another phone call from the She-Ex this time, all sorts of stuff, but no BG to speak to Daddy (she was at the neighbours) and to tell me that BG enjoyed speaking to me and says I don't sound like a school teacher.

I wonder what she thought I sounded like before? We've spoken several times. Maybe it's what she's been told I'm like.

Oh who knows. I could sit here forever trying to second guess what's happening over there, and it comes down to the fact that as long as the BG sounds happy and well cared for, I really don't give a monkeys what her mother is up to lol!

I'm glad she had nice things to pass on to me though, that was nice. Unexpected, but very nice.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring! (I do - I've got my diary open!)

And.....relax!

The AC is tucked up in bed, reading a Star Wars book. I can hear him "I am the most p... pow.... powerful Jedi there has ever been!" "Much to learn you have," and so forth. He's just gone up to Stage 7 readers, and got his third reading challenge of the year! He has to read to one of us 50 times to get a challenge, and it means he gets given a book of his own in assembly to keep. They get to choose the book as well. Last time it was the World War II book, so heaven only knows what it'll be this time.

He's nearly a free reader now though, and to hear him able to pick up almost any book he likes and just read it is amazing. He loves books and learning, just for it's own sake, not even for a purpose, other than because he wants to know.

His class are writing their own information book at the moment and it's interesting to hear him talk about what they are doing and use all the technical vocabulary. Some days it's hard to remember he's only 5, and not six for another few months.

R is out until late tonight, he texted at 6 to say it would be another couple of hours yet. He's loading something onto airplanes, in the cold and the dark. Lovely. The good thing is that with his experience he'll be the one in the warm forklift! (Hopefully!)

So I am going to try my stovies, and see what it is like.

I'll post the results. Because if it works, it is the cheapest and easiest tea I've done in a long while.

And that was helpful how?

Ok, so I'm in the middle of making tea when the BG calls.

At 4.45pm.

I had to tell her Daddy wasn't home. :-( I didn't say it was because it was 4.45pm and it's at least 15 minutes before he finishes, let alone drives home and gets here, and that's without anything going on at work, as is the nature of his job. I didn't say all that because she is 6.

But we had a nice chat. It's clear that I am the Evil Queen in that house, from the way that she spoke, and that's a little painful because the She-Ex isn't spoken of that way here. AC thinks of her as BG's mummy, and was really pleased to get a present from her, and asks about her, and refers to her as his "red-haired stepmum." (It was more auburn last time we saw her, but it was referred to as red by several people in front of the children as a nickname for lots of women at the camp who dyed their hair that colour. Garnier must make a fortune out of that camp!)
Anyway, she is treating the new dog really well by feeding it pepparoni, and she wants me to ask her Daddy to give the AC a hug from her. Which solves any problems I've been having about how she feels about her relationship with the AC and her father and how those two interact.

She gave me her mothers phone number to get Daddy to give her a call later, so he will, whenever it is he gets back. Hopefully he'll be able to talk to her just as much, if not more than I did.

She is so lovely, so gorgeous, and so bloody far away. :-(

And this is supposed to be fair?

But hey, at least I got to talk to her! And at least there wasn't a row with the She-Ex. In fact, I haven't heard anything from her, so that tells me what I need to know. It's all good. :-)

A, B, C's of me!

Ok, I'm not working, I'm chilling!
If you fill this in, let me know so I can read it lol!

A - Age: 34 chronologically, about 23 in my head!

B - Bed size: Queen

C - Chore you hate: bins

D - Dog's name: No dog! (But I always wanted one called Ben)

E - Essential start your day : cuddles and kisses.

F - Favorite color: hazel and blue

G - Gold or Silver: silver

H - Height: 5'3"

I - Instruments you play: guitar, recorder, violin, viola (long time ago!)

J - Job title: Teacher

K - Kid(s): AC

L - Living arrangements: semi detatched 3 bedroom house with AC, R, Joe, Lightening, Dave, Fudge, and a variety of fish!

M - Mom's name: Pippa

N - Nicknames: None these days! (Mum and Miss Coooooooook don't count!)

O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth: delivering AC (next one at home, if there is ever one!)

P - Pet Peeve: people saying they'll do something, and encouraging you to leave it to them, and then them not doing it.

Q - Quote from a movie: "Out of danger Captain?" "Out of Danger Spock."

R - Right or left handed: Right

S - Siblings: Ru and Hannah

T - Time you wake up: 5am

U- Underwear: low risers or thongs

V - Vegetable you dislike: swede

W - Ways you run late:Looking for things the child needs for school.

X - X-rays you've had: arm, back, legs

Y - Yummy food you make: according to R, everything!

Z - Zoo favorite: I'm not fond of zoos, but if I had to choose a wild animal, I'd go with bears.

Just home and...

.... have spent all day with my face in front of a computer doing VLE stuff. It was cool, it was fabulous, it was uber-geeky and so on, but man alive, I am a tired person now!

Going to take a break to recharge, watch some rubbish tv, sort out tea and the animals, then blog properly from the laptop.

Subjects include

Writing
Courses
Housework
Stuff.

It's more stupid-than-normal o'clock.....

.... in the morning, and I just found this whilst looking at BBC News.


http://news.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/hi/newsbeat/newsid_7961000/7961224.stm

It made me laugh, a lot. I know it's juvenile, but there we go! Sometimes life just is!

I've got a course to go on today so I should be sleeping. Maybe I'll go back to bed, have some "awake time" ;-) and then see if we can both get some sleep.

And if not, I'll lie in the warm and write blogs in my head, just for practice!

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Ideas and not a lot happening....

I've decided I need a new email address. My current access anywhere one is a yahoo account, and it's my initials from my first marriage, and the word yokel, a loving nickname given to me by someone long ago, that stayed and was used by others. I love it, I cherish it, but at the same time, it's time to leave it behind and move on. Obviously I'll keep the other email going, as it'll be the only one that some people have for me, and I can leave it for all the spam to go to, as well as all the stuff from people who I need to keep in touch with. That way, when they email me, I can then tell them the email has changed. And those who dont' email me, that's cool! Lol!

So, what to have for the new email address? I can't get to my Outlook from school, so I do need to have a webmail address. Whilst I'd love something cool and funky, I also have to give it to random people for work every now and again, so that's a minor limitation.

The cheap seats have made several suggestions, ranging from "Crayfish Dave" to more sensible but premature ideas. (And that evokes a whole lot of other feelings in me, which I was surprised about, tbh!)

The other option is that I keep my current email address, and learn to use my school address for school stuff. Which would mean actually learning it lol. It's just long and clunky. Hmmmmmm.

Any ideas?

In other news, the child has blitzed through stage 6 reading, and is heading towards stage 7 with no worries. I was able to speak to his ELS teacher today, who is a Teaching Assistant at school. The AC did ELS (Extra Literacy Support) for 16 weeks from October to January. It was 20 minutes, every day, of small group work. Most people were surprised when he was put in for it, because he is considered to be one of the most intelligent and together children in his year, but my beloved child just wouldn't write.

Partly, it was because he felt his writing was untidy. He felt it was untidy because one of the small ones in his Reception classroom had told him his mark making was "rubbish". So he stopped doing it unless he totally and absolutely had to. He would find any excuse - need drink, need toilet, need different pencil, need rubber, need ruler, need different chair, not right book and so on and so forth.

Partly, it was because it was a lot of effort for that much fine motor control. I know my boy. I love him, totally and utterly, but I know him, and there are times when he is an idle little monkey! Because writing was hard work, he didn't want to do it.

However, he had the right support at the right time, and has surpassed everything we thought could happen.

16 weeks of 20 minutes a day, and the child is well away. He writes by himself, he cheerfully wrote in everyones cards for birthdays this week, he wrote me a lovely card for Mothering Sunday, he's written part of a story, he's just writing everything, and he's happy to do it. He and R were doing his homework the other day whilst I was working on the computer, and he wrote what he knew, asked R for bits he didn't, and I was almost overwhelmed with the love and support that was being shown, and the ability and want that the AC had to write. to shove down on paper what was in his mind.

I wonder where he gets that from? ;-)

I'm just watching Heston Blumenthals Roman Feast. He's a nut job, but he's amazing.

Lion or Gazelle?

Every morning in Africa, a Gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run faster than the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning a Lion wakes up. It knows it must outrun the slowest Gazelle or it will starve to death. It doesn't matter whether you are a Lion or a Gazelle... when the sun comes up, you'd better be running.

And that's how today feels lol!

Part of me feels like the lion - strong, slightly predatory, always happy to eat then sleep, but working hard to keep the pride together and fed, happy with my cub at home, happy with my pride of cubs at school.

Part of me feels like the gazelle - fast, slim, athletic, content to meander until there's a problem and then running like the hounds of hell are on me.

Some days I'm more one than the other I suppose!

I know today I'm sleepy. R came to bed late as he's starting and finishing late today, and potentially all this week. He's fine about it, and I'll just make food that can be ready whenever he turns up here. I think tonight we are down for chicken curry and rice. Nummy! He made me laugh the other day, when we were talking about food, and he was saying he's not into complicated food, he thought he was a fast food person, or a from the freezer person (speed over taste and effort!) but it turns out he's just a "good home cooking and lots of it" person! Which is good, says he, as that's what he gets.

And that's what I do. Basic home cooking. Nothing over fancy, and usually only the meat from the freezer as I can't get to a butcher every day. If I could, I would!

Today is espresso man in, which is good. That's my afternoon sorted out anyway. This morning is numeracy (symmetry) literacy (Acrostic poetry) and Topic (geography). It's all good!

In other news, I had some lovely photos from the He-Ex of when he and the AC went to the Tank Museum at the weekend. It was the one we were planning to go to lol, but that's fine, AC says he'll take us there to see it some day and he knows about the tanks so he can just show us round like a guide. It was great to get the photos though, and see what he's up to when he's not with me. He talked me through the photos and I emailed his father to thank him for them. It's just a little thing that makes a bizarre-at-times life easier!

And the AC has plans for the holidays already!


Monday, March 23, 2009

Blowing a GALE!

It's blowing a gale out there, and tipping down the rain, and partly, I love it. Partly it arouses other feelings in me best left unwritten (I know, it's probably a Freudian weird thing).

I'm watching Secret Millionaire. I like that too. I've watched some random stuff tonight, ANTM, obviously, then Samantha Who, and now Secret Millionaire. I won't watch all of it, and it's part of me getting myself used to having the tv on again for when he's away.

I hate him being away. But I'm not thinking about that yet. It's not yet.

Today was what teaching should be about. We learnt, we laughed, we played, we enjoyed what we were learning, and the children had ownership of what they had done. I was proud of them, their achievements, and this afternoon, they were proud of me for dancing, for making a fool of myself in front of them, for all sorts of reasons we were happy with each other.

Isn't that what living is about?

But I'm off to sleep soon. The evening has trickled away again, and I've done some work and written some stuff, and got on with pottering about and so on. R is not in work until 12 so he is going to do some things in the house first before he goes to work.

What a day lol!

Today was the school Talent Show Final. Talent is a loose word usually when applied to children, but the entrants this year were superb.

Obviously, for the sake of humour, there was a teachers entry, which was Morris Dancing with yours truly fully entering into the spirit of things!

We had a great time, the children enjoyed themselves, and all was fun, if very, very hot in the hall.












And yes, that is a bike helmet on my head, because if you were as inexperienced as me at doing stick dances, you'd want to protect your head as well when up against a professional like I was.

The children loved it, AC was proud of his mummy, and particularly liked this photo of mummy looking like a model.

Hmmm.

Crash test dummy model? lol!


In other news AC did a really good job at KSW, we were collected by R and got home to find he'd been home early and hoovered, put the dishwasher on, generally tidied and so on. He's just nipped out to collect a friend of ours from the train station and take him somewhere. Then he'll go and collect him later on I expect.

And I feel the mint icecream calling me....... Ah well. It's only calories. I can work those off easily enough! (I certainly did prancing around today!)

Wait and see!

The He-Ex is in weird form at the moment. He has the AC on a Tuesday and Wednesday after school (3.15-6pm) and on a Friday (3.15-6pm Saturday) The AC keeps coming back not bathed. So I emailed him about it - keeping everything written down - and he seems to think it's ok for the AC not to bath on a Wednesday or a Saturday night. I don't, so he baths here on those nights. But previously he's said he won't do it because it interupts playtimes. Bath time *is* part of playtime here! But then we have a mopable floor and like to play whatever the AC is wanting to play. Increasingly though, as a small boy, he needs to a) be doing things for himself, and b) he needs a little privacy when bathing. I know he doesn't need the latter yet really, but he's getting used to the idea that his body is his own, and if something happens to it that he doesn't like, he needs to say, whether it's food going in, issues with what comes out, someone hurting him, he needs to say. Over the last year, he has been, even to the point of asking not for tickles after a certain point, which is good. It's his body, he needs to feel that he has control over it in many, many ways. Unless he's after getting his ear pierced, which as a 5 year old boy is a no no no no! When he's 15, fine, do the stupid stuff that children that age do, knowing you've made your own decisions, but not right now little man!

Right now, he's after joining the Cubs. It would be fine at the moment, but less so when he goes up to Junior Class for his martial arts, as it's on at the same time. In fact, his Junior Class is going to be difficult as all of the times are times he is with his father. Even now his father skips the Saturday class when he feels like it, and this one would be later in the day, so even more inconvienient.

We'll wait and see what happens. I'd like him to join Boys Brigade, but there isn't one near here. There's Cubs and Scouts, which would be a lot of Saturday commitment, again, debatable with his father, and on a Wednesday evening, which would be good in some ways as then his father would drop him off and I would pick him up, except his father would stay, which parents are disuaded from but it won't stop him lol!

Waiting and seeing seems to be the theme for this side of my life this week!

We've woken up to two comments on the blog. That, coupled with the messages last night about Mothering Sunday and wanting to work things out got me thinking at 5am when I was debating getting up or trying to go back to sleep.

My conclusion was simple, but the same as it has been before. I'll wait and see what happens. If *I* hear from her, that's cool. The second she starts on me, or R, or the past, or cussing and swearing or any aggression, it's gone again. She knows where I am. (Heavens, that's most of the problem lol!)

I don't want to go back to not wanting to check my mail because she's being vile again.
I don't want to go back to watching her degenerate into a screaming fishwife on MSN.
I don't want to go back to the name calling, the lying, the horribleness.

I appreciate that she wants to make an effort - this week. But less than 3 weeks ago she was being horrible to R, because he wasn't told that the BG-Grandmother was going away for teh week and therefore he had to phone the She-Ex instead.

We'll wait and see. I think it's all we can do.

The car has a rotten wheel arch, which is replacable, but we're going to wait and see what James says before we decide which one we'll run this summer.

Still no news on what's happening at school after Easter, again with the wait and see.

Still no Fed-Ex, now we both think it hasn't been sent, or at least not sent on the day she said it was being sent (and again with th fact that this was only a couple of weeks ago - can she change her spots that fast on a permanent basis? I want her to have, but does she?)

Still no idea what to have for tea lol, so I think everyone is waiting and seeing on that one!

Life is good, but tricky in places!

So this weeks theme is.....

.... Spring!

Not on here, bur for my special needs children. I plan separate lessons, totally separate Numeracy and Literacy, for 4 children in my class. I need to plan separate science for 2 as well, but I tend to differentiate that on the day. I think I need to make that more formal. Today is a good day though, in fact this week will be a good week.

Monday - French, Numeracy, Literacy, PE (Dancing!) then lunch, after lunch is the Talent Show in which the children showcase their talents and Yours Truly is Morris Dancing with a bunch of other teachers who are good for a laugh.

Tuesday - Numeracy, Literacy, Geography, lunch, then the afternoon is all ICT with the Espresso man.

Wednesday - I'm on a VLE course at another school all day, and a lovely supply teacher (and she is lovely, I won't go if they aren't!) is in my room. And the children have a science day, which I shall miss, but that's ok!

Thursday - Numeracy, Literacy, Art, (start the big maps), lunch, swimming, circle time.

Friday - Numeracy, Literacy, Science (finishing off Forces topic) lunch, library, handwriting, Treat Time, home,

That's the week done!

Sunday, March 22, 2009

This blog is easy...

... it's the other one that's hard right now.

I write, as I've mentioned before, a blog for BG every week, so that she knows what we have and haven't been up to. We don't have hugely exciting lives - there's not the money for that - but we do family stuff and we tell her anything that we would tell the AC. And the AC is here, so anything he's done is reasonable to go in it, but is it?

We get very little response from BG about the blog. Some weeks she sees it, some weeks we're not so sure. But even so, there are things I don't put in there. There are wonderful pictures this week of R and the AC messing about with AC's bike, sorting out the brakes and the seat and so on. And I didn't send them to her, because if I was her, I wouldn't want to see the kind of closeness that AC and R have. If I was her, I'd be thinking, "That's *my* Daddy!" but I don't even know if she thinks like that, because she was so young when she was moved so far away from him. There's things that R does here, and in the back of his head I can see him thinking that he should be doing this with BG as well - like showing her how to do the brakes on a bike, and so on. Today, after doing all the stuff on the bike, R and AC suddenly disappeared, without saying anything, and they'd gone for a quick trip up the road to test the bike. They started the day with surprises for me that AC had made and R had hidden. And I know he wants to do this with BG and right now, maybe he never will. And apparently that's fair...

Bizarrely though, the She-Ex wished me a happy mothering Sunday, so I thanked her, via R, and she now says we have to work things out so we can be civil to one another. I've never had a problem with being civil to her, she's the one who ends up cussing and blaming it all on me. We'll see. We've been here before. I'd like it to work out, but I don't know if I can put R and BG through it again.

And so to GotPM and bed. Snuggle times with the man. Making the most of them, I most surely am.

Blogging on a quote

"We do not write in order to be understood. We write in order to understand." - Cecil Day Lewis

I found this quote earlier, on the children's poetry archive website, and it explains to me why I blog in the way I do. I don't write for anyone else's benefit, I write for mine, and in writing, I see the words on the screen and it is sometimes a surprise to me that they say what they say.

I write with my inner censor turned off. (aside from in the blogging about sex post which could have got very TMI if I had turned my inner censor *right* off!) and so what comes out almost bypasses my conciousness, and thus is a direct feed from my real feelings. And yes, I am perturbed by just how rambling a lot of my writing is lol!

I am not writing on here, wanting anyone else to understand me, or seeking validity of my feelings or thoughts from external sources. It is not a place to showcase my family, or my achievements, in a boastful fashion, but more a place to be proud of what they have achieved. We are happy with the little things in this house, Lord alone knows how we'll manage the big things, but He wouldn't give us more than we could bear, so that's all there is to say about that lol!

I'm hoping to start proper writing again soon. It's been a while since I wrote anything properly, and since I've been blogging on a regular basis, I can feel the urges again, like a tickle in the back of my mind. I like writing, I'm good at writing, and I'm good with words, most of the time.

We'll see.

There is another blog to write tonight as well, but I need to do work first, then blog some more later.

Mothering Sunday!

And I'm a mummy, so hurrah!

I hope you all, wherever you are, are having a lovely day with your gorgeous children, even if it isn't Mothering Sunday where you are.

I'm not able to go to my Mother Church today, but we'll go to the one we usually go to anyway.

AC has surprises which he and R are going to let me know about later! *happy smiles*

Saturday, March 21, 2009

YAY!

We have email again!

*happy smile*

We could receive emails, but not send any, so none have been answered in the last few days unless they were important, and then I used my other account. So that's all sorted fine then.

YAY!

1640 and....

..... a lot has happened in the house actually!

We're not gaming tonight, which is nice in some ways because it means that R and I will get a night to ourselves again. I'll bake tomorrow and then the AC can help me and decide what we have and so on. He likes doing all that.

R has cleaned the kitchen, as he said he would (he's a star like that!) and I've sorted washing out as well as paired the socks and put most of it away. I'm having a sleepy moment again, so I've had a bowl of icecream. I had one at around 1.30 and so R made me sit down and have a banana and an orange. And once again, I felt better.

It's an odd kind of tired, because my muscles are heavy, not much yawning, some energy, but not a lot, aching eyelids (!) and it comes and goes with no sleep being involved lol! Last night I had a good 7 hours sleep, then another hour or so around 9-1030, and I'm still whatever this is. How strange!

However, regardless of this, life continues lol!

****************************************************

This post was interrupted by an unexpected phonecall from BG! I answered the phone to hear "Is it ringing?" from the She-Ex, and "No" from BG. Of course it wasn't ringing, I'd answered it! But I heard it was BG so I said hello a couple of times, and then she said, really politely, "Can I speak to my Daddy please?" and I said of course she could, and they had a lovely conversation. She told Daddy that she was going to find her Duke when she was older, and Daddy has agreed that they can look into finding him when she's older. I don't remember the She-Ex ever telling us what happened to that dog, but it's all under the bridge now. R was so chuffed to have heard from BG today!

Tomorrow they are going to talk more about what she would like for her birthday. Last time her parcel cost over £100 to send, which is fine. (And more reliable than Fed-Ex apparently!) I'm looking into if we can send it more cheaply, even if it takes longer, because then we can spend more on her present.

Times like this I'd like to have a good relationship with the She-Ex, so I could thank her for making an effort to improve their relationship today, but she'd probably think I was taking the mick, she's so distrustful of us and our motives for doing anything. *sigh* Never mind. I am thankful though.

Tonight I'm not sure what we're doing, but I think we'll be doing it together. Kim brought me the sewing machine she said I could have, and it's a dinky little thing. Sews a straightforward seam though, so that's fine. I might have a try with it tonight, if it's not too noisy for the AC.

Right now, I'm going to think about tea. Sausages, fried potato, maybe an egg, beans, that kind of thing. Proper Saturday night tea! I'll do a bit extra as well, as the AC will be back around 6, and he's bound to be hungry again! He always is!

Sucesswise

AC has uniform, swimming kit, KSW kit for Monday.
R has uniform, gym kit for Monday (Cue music - It's the final countdown da da da daaaaa dede da da da!)
washing is washed, dried, folded, put away, paired where required.
lunch was lovely (bacon sandwiches, cooked by the man!)

In the next 50 minutes, before the child returns, I need to do more washing, peel and start potatoes for tea, wipe kitchen units down and wipe the bathroom, and I think we're done!

So that went according to plan then lol!

Actually, it didn't.

The washing machine and so on have been done again, but virtually everything else hasn't on the grounds that R got up at 8.30, we went back to bed around 8.45 and I slept until about 1030. And I've been on the phone ever since.

Mortgage is paid.
electric company are looking into the bill.

2 sentences for about 2 hours doesn't seem like a lot, but it has been lol!

and so, to work! (when I find a jumper)

especially as....... the avatar post!

This is my work one that I try and remember to put on when I am working, because then people who know me don't try and IM me unless it's desperate.











This was made with the help of the AC. There are a number of these. Can you guess which ones lol?












This is how I would like my lounge to look. Nothing special, just not quite so cluttered as it is now! No work books, just an open fire and a lovely sofa.












Hmmmm. Might this be one of your guesses?














This was the one I did the other day when I was feeling so in love with the man I might burst. I didn't burst, but I might have!













I am Princess Leia apparently.














Fitness Freak - for when the exercising is going on! (It'll be up soon!)














My sorting stuff out avatar. For getting on with stuff.














Biker Chick. Oh yeah! I've only got textiles at the moment, but I'll have leathers one day!













Poorly, tired, had enough. If you see this one up, don't expect coherent responses to anything!













My most recent one. I really like this one.
















Chilling and relaxing. This one I titled "And we're calm." because it used to go up after the She-Ex had been trying to wind me up. Now I don't talk to her (her choice!) and life is much nicer, so I put it up when I am already chilled and calm and pottering about on here.










So there we go.

There are some wilder ones on my MSN thing, but I can't work out how to download them yet.

I will!

I hope that wasted some time for you nicely!

UP half an hour and......

....

the bin is emptied and rebagged
the cat box is emptied and relittered.
the washing machine is emptied and refilled.
the drier is airing the clothes
the recycling is outside in the green bin
breadmaker is on
I'm having a drink
cat is fed
hamster is fed
guinea pig is fed

Not bad for that little time.

The kitchen needs

dishwasher emptying and refilling
oven wiping
counters wiping
organic fruit/veg delivery putting away
floor sweeping
window wiping

The front room needs

washing folding from the basket
socks pairing
small table clearing
hoovering
fish water testing
patio doors wiping

The dining room needs

table clearing
computer table clearing
hamster big cleaning out
guinea pig big cleaning out
hoovering
fish water testing
window wiping

The hall needs

hoovering

The bedroom needs
bags of clothes for charity sorting
bed changing
window wiping
books putting away (you know how they stack up when you read in bed.....)

AC's room needs

sheet changing
duvets putting away (currently has 3 and a blanket on his bed because he persists on sleeping on top of one, so we just get another one out of the cupboard and pop over him when he's cold)
floor discovering lol!
clean clothes putting away


AC needs
swimming kit sorted and hung up
uniform for the week

R needs
uniform for the week
gym kit for the week

I need
daily clothes for the week

Living here generally needs

Calendar writing
menu planning
food buying
nice things cooking
meals ahead cooking
bottles washing

School needs

literacy planning
numeracy planning
weekly planning
SEN planning
literacy marking
Key Objective marking
School Development Plan writing
resources finding
Threshold downloading

So around 50 things need doing today.

LOL!

Place your bets on how many I'll get done..........

Friday, March 20, 2009

Email quotes

Email quotes, that was it!

The thing I had forgotten I intended to blog about.

My email sig used to say this.
Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.'
Erich Fromm

"The hardest lesson of all: That people only have their kind of love to give, not our kind." Mignon Mclauglin.

Over the years it has said many things. I think one of my favourites was "The truth may be out there, but the lies are inside your head." which is a Pratchett quote. And we love Pratchett.

I might put it back to that.

I also loved

"When someone asks, what would Jesus do? remember a valid answer is to get mad and turn over tables." Anon.


The first quote on there at the moment, the one about mature and immature love, struck me with a whoomp! about 5 months ago. For many reasons, I have loved in the first way. Now, I love in the second one. I need him, because I love him. Not because I am afraid to be on my own, not because I am only half a person when I'm not in a relationship, not purely because the AC needs a man around, although all of those things have been said to me by others. R is here, because I love him and he loves me. Because of that, we need each other. He was away for 46.5 hours last weekend. I missed him like fury. Not because I needed him to take the bin out or take me places or whatever, but because I missed *him*.

My quotes change at different times in my life. The truth one was when I, we, were searching for the truth from the Ex's. And then we realised that we all have our own perceptions of the truth, that no doubt they both saw their behaviours as acceptable, because they understood the reasoning behind them, where we didn't and couldn't understand.

The nonviolence quote, about not only refusing to shoot a man, but refusing to hate him, came at a time when I was giving up on the relationship with the She-Ex, in order to set us both free from the pain it was causing us. We're a lot happier without it, although we know a lot less about the BG and get a lot less pictures (6 this year so far I think, though it may be as many as 8) but our hope is that the BG is happier with a lot less stressed and emotionally volatile mother, because every time she spoke to me she ended up upset. Hopefully, as things mature, and the divorce is through, we'll be able to have an adult relationship, which would be in the BG's best interests long term (I'm not going anywhere lol!) but we'll have to see. There's still no sign of the papers, and no mention of them on the phone from the She-Ex.

A new quote needs much thinking of.

Urgh!

Too many typos. Everything is taking ages to correct because I'm so tired.

Bed for me I think!

BUT! R just told me the BG got 10/10 on her spellings. *proud what-ever-I-am moment* He and I are really pleased with her, and I bet her mother is as well! She's a clever girl! YAY!












Clock changes

Ah ha.

You know when everything suddenly becomes clear?

Well, now they have. The clocks have changed in the US last week. The She-Ex has cheerfully not mentioned this to us, leading to us phoning the BG an hour later (as far as she is concerned). One could debate the deliberateness, or not, of this lack of communication any way one likes, but never mind, it is the way it is, and obviously we'll be letting the She-Ex know when our clocks change, so that we aren't confusing the child any more than life already does lol! We'll adapt our calling schedule to suit, same as we always do, it just would have been nice to have been told. Same as a lot of things.

In other news, the AC went off to Daddy's this afternoon , with birthday present and card, lovely, well remembered me! I also got cards for my father, and my nephew. Did I remember a Mothering Sunday card? Nope. I'll have to pick one up tomorrow. It may well arrive with my lovely mother late, but at least it will be there. We may be able to drop it in, we'll see how things are. At the moment we're planning a quiet weekend, pottering and doing stuff.

I'm planning one so quiet that I may be going to bed very, very, soon. There's a fairly long list of things to do tomorrow, but they are all home things. It'll make the blog boring, but well, the BG needs to know that we don't have exciting lives all the time! She needs a true reflection of her father, which is what we give her through the blog.

There was other stuff I had to say tonight, but I've forgotten - yep! I'm that tired today. Weird.

Early doors on Friday!

I love Friday at the moment.

R turns up at school to pick me up early, (early by my standards - school has obviously finished, children gone home, that kind of thing.) so I see the AC off to footy practice with the He-Ex and then grab my stuff and make like a tree.

Some Friday nights we go into town and have tea out. Some nights we come home. Tonight was a home night, via Pets at Home (good deal on cat food at the moment) and stuff for the guinea-pig and mini-pig. Got back, R fixed Rachel-at-school's laptop as the part had arrived finally, and now we're sat, chilling, debating what's for tea. R is hungry having been to the gym today. I'm not so, because I had hot dinners. We'll probably have chinese and then sit and snuggle up in front of a film. Or we'll play WoW together. Or we'll do something else lol!

Tomorrow is kitchen and downstairs day. Won't take long, and R has said he'll sort out the kitchen, which is great. The animals all need doing as well, so that's an hour's work. I've got some marking to do, which the AC has asked me to wait until the Sunday to do because he likes us doing "homework" at the same time.

Life is good.

Very, very good.

Just got to see how the phone call tonight goes, that's all. But let's not trouble trouble until it troubles us! Hopefully the She-Ex will be at work so BG will chat more. IF BG is home and not some other place just because. The most and total contact it is is about 30 minutes out of their lives over three phone calls in a week.

Never mind.

Lets get back to life being good until about 9pm, and then see what happens!

Sucess is mine!


I did it!

Be warned.

There could be a whole avatar post this weekend!

But this is what my Yahoo one looks like at the moment. Just chilling really!

Avatars and stuff.

I have a wiiiiiiiiiiide range of avatars. I like them! In a way that I never enjoyed dolls when I was a girl, I love changing the clothes on the avatar to suit my mood, changing the backgrounds to reflect what I feel or where I'd like to be.

Today's Yahoo avatar (which you can't see Dear Reader, because I haven't worked out how to do that yet!) is in the woods, with waistlength brown hair, black jeans and a black jumper. It's sunset in the woods, and she's looking all serene.

Yesterdays was wearing shorts and halter top set with a cushion that said "I love you" on it. Because I do. And I'm not sorry for it lol!

I like looking at other peoples avatars and wondering whether they are an accurate reflection of themselves. In some ways I think I'd rather see an avatar than a picture. It's not because I don't like my body or whatever (hey, what's not to like lol!) just because I like the anonimity of t'interweb. After all, if I wanted real people, I'd go out more often! I like vicariously living in other people's lives, learning about people without having to try and do small talk, which I feel I am no good at. R tells me that I am good at people, but I'm not so sure. We're looking forward to a quiet weekend this weekend, not going anywhere (well, maybe Pets at Home and Tesco!) and probably not doing very much. We'll take the boy to the park and sit and have a coffee and watch him play. We'll end up playing as well if the park isn't too busy mind you!

In other news, well, there is none really! Still no Fed-Ex, and no card to say they tried to deliver, still no keyboard, and no card to say they tried to deliver (although that was only ordered on Tuesday - so not surprising!) and I had to send a child home yesterday after he went to sleep on my lap. He wasn't just asleep though, he was practically unconscious. No reactions to anything. Weird. We'll see if he's in today. Mum said if he woke up should she bring him back, and I said no, it was only swimming in the afternoon, and we don't want a very sleepy child in the swimming pool! The bizarre thing was, for me, that there is nothing in the handling policy for that situation, no protocol to follow when a child is dropping asleep infront of you, whilst he's standing up. So I sat him on my lap whilst I finished teaching the talking bit, and intended to get him a drink and some cool air when I'd done, but within 3 minutes (it was timed this time!) he was asleep! Bless his heart.

We made it to payday though. And that's a good thing. It was a little tight towards the end, with a couple of unexpected events, but it was done. April will be a weird month, May should be ok, and by June we should be in our stride as far as finances go.

I think I'll change the quotes on my email this weekend as well. There's exciting news for you to read Dear Reader!

We still can't mail out from the Outlook account, but so far haven't had an email asking why we haven't responded to the She-Ex mails. Maybe she's chilling out this week! I hope she's having a better week, and a calmer one. She's a lovely person when she's in a good mood.

However, it will all be fine! We shall cope with whatever life throws at us! We have each other, and that's the way it is!

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Good news!

A friend of mine has offered me a sewing machine that she doesn't use anymore! YAY! How cool is that!

Hopefully at Easter I will be able to take the sewing class I'd like to take on the Tuesday. The AC is with his father, so I may as well use the time for me, as everyone keeps telling me they would if they were me.

The AC and I went into town after school and got his father a birthday present and card for tomorrow. The AC sat down at home and wrote the whole card, by himself. Ok, so he spelt birthday "burthday", but he did it himself, in his own writing, in a card he chose himself, with presents he chose himself, which is what should be happening for his Daddy's birthday.

We also had cake - well it was payday! The AC noticed. I went to the bank, got some money out, and he said "Is that for BG or can we spend that?" I explained that this was our money, that the BG's money goes out of her Daddy's pay day, so we could go and have cake. He knows that we send BG money, and that there are lots of reasons for it. He's happy enough.

He had sprinkly doughnut. Like he cared about anything else!

We also got a game called Piranha Panic from the charity shop - it was £2! The AC and I played it tonight, and we really enjoyed it.

The best part of the day was seeing R when he picked us up from town, and seeing the AC go walking off with him, chattering about his day and what he'd done and so on. Looking at my two chaps, one 6ft4, one waist high on him, both in their uniforms, pottering around town, was brilliant.

There's also some kind of secret going on about Sunday - which is Mothering Sunday. The AC had things that he had to talk to R about that "I don't want to be rude, but I don't want to talk about it with you here." Lol!

We shall wait and see!

I just realised a few things

1) It would be easier to share recipes with people if I actually measured properly instead of *knowing* how much to put in.

2) Fex-Ex *still* hasn't arrived. (leading to the mental but cynical query of was it ever sent?)

3) After my previous post, all I can think about is sex, and it's too late in the morning now - the boy will be awake soon, and he *doesn't* need to know about all that just yet lol!

The protocol of blogging about sex.

I leave out a massive part of my life when I blog on here. And I blog about pretty much everything else, from what we're eating and wearing to the state of the universe. I can't blog about work too much because of child confidentiality, but that's not what I mean.

I mean sex.

Sex, making love, shagging, horizontal jogging, socialness, whatever you want to call it. And in fact, I've read a *lot* of blogs now, and very few people have sex. Ever. If they do, well no one is talking about it!

Sex is a huge part of our relationship. After just over 3 years together, it's still several times a week, heading to every night, and can be as often as a few hours between. In that 3 years, the longest we've gone without it, (when he's been doing his normal job and not in the Abroad) is 3 days. We like it. We love it. We both thought this side of things would tail off a bit - one cannot carry on like a honeymooner for ever - but it hasn't. If anything, now it's better than it has ever been.

Obviously, it was not always so. I was not his first, neither was he my first. However, it is clear that we are each others best! We have taught each other new ways of doing things, we have found new depths in ourselves, he has discovered a willingness to give and love in my that he has never recieved before, and I have discovered stamina I never had to use before, as well as the ability to orgasm more than one and in different ways. To paraphrase Mr McMillan, "I've never had it so good!"

But why?

He is just a bloke, with the same bits and pieces, I am just a girl, with the same parts as any other girl, slightly sagging with the effects of gravity and pregnancy and 2.5 years of breastfeeding, but still slim enough to see my own feet. Insert part A into apurture B, job done. And yet it is more than that.

I think the basis of our good sex life lies in the trust we have, the love we have, the lust we have, the connection we have with and for each other. It's shown in the little things, the hand holding, the stroking of backs as we pass, the hugging, the snuggling on the sofa, and it comes out in the big things, like sex and future planning and so on.

When I want to blog about sex, it's not because I want to record all the porngraphic details (those are mine alone to savour when he is away, or the day is long and difficult!) it's because I want to write about how much I feel for him, how much I feel he feels for me, and how it is expressed. It's an aspect of our loving each other, of my life, that is hidden. We have a very transparent relationship. It is what it is, pure and simple. Just two people, loving and accepting each other, sharing hearts, minds, loves, lives, just like any other good longterm relationship.

And yet we still go to bed early, just so we can go to sleep at the time we need to in order to get up.

I like that.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Buzzcocks

I like Buzzcocks. As in "Never Mind The Buzzcocks"

I like sitting on the sofa, watching NMTB, with R.

AC is coughing upstairs tonight though. He's not sounding too good, we'll just have to see how he goes. I'm heading to bed as soon as the bread is out.

I'm babbling on here tonight. I can feel it. Some nights are like that. All random and flaky lol!

There's lots I want to sy, but partly there's child confidentiality, and partly there's the fact that if I start tonight I may not stop, because yet again there are Ex issues!

Ah well.

Home and sorted...

... I think!

Who knows with parents. I don't.

However, this evening I am about to go and change and get my body onto My Fitness Coach via the Wii Fit and see what happens. It's been a while because the ottaman has been in the way, but I've moved it upstairs, so we shall see. Not sure what I'm doing about tea yet. I'll sort it out later.

But I am still alive, thus I must have had a nice day!

Ok!

And here we go again Ladies and Gentlemen!

We are up and ready hit the pixel face, challenge all comers and basically have a nice day or die in the attempt.

Should the latter happen, R will inform the Dear Readers, obviously!

LOL.

Actually, I'm so flipping tired that I've come out the other side of exhausted, sunk a pint of orange squash and am flying! I'll calm down to an acceptable level around 0630.

According to a friend of mine, I should look to my Moon Sign for details of life to come.......


....................................
...................................

I got distracted.

But my aura is a blue one apparently!

Stupid am!

This is stupid o'clock in the morning, even for me. It's around 2.30am and I can't sleep.

Not only that, but I can't say why I can't sleep, even on a blog read by people I don't know lol!

It's one of those times when life just wipes me out for a moment, and then I know I'll get back up and start again, just like I always do, but right now, it's the middle of the night, and I'm down here being upset because it'll get it out of the way before I have to see other people. R knows I'm upset, and is so supportive. It's amazing to feel that from someone in my life. I don't want the AC knowing I'm upset. He has other things to worry about at his age.

Being 5 should be, and is for the AC, about playing, building things, learning new things, and enjoying life. He bakes, he builds, he creates, he reads, he writes, he gets on with just *being*, which is a state I would love to spend time in, and will do in a couple of weeks! I don't want him knowing Mummy is tired by work and stressed by life in general, unless he can see a positive outcome to it. He knows Mummy and R both work hard, because working hard brings home the money that pays the bills, and he knows bills get paid before treats, because treats can be anything but bills are always there! And at 5, I think that's all he needs to know. He works for his pocket money (he unloads the dishwasher!) so that he learns early on that there is a reason to have a job and not just sit around on your backside all day claiming benefits.

He's a lovely boy. Just thinking about him, and the way he is with R, and the way *our* life is working out, just makes me smile! It's all the rest of the stuff that is not so good! Never mind.

I keep saying never mind, and mostly I don't, but sometimes I do. I think sometimes we all do.

Back to bed, to snuggle and at least lie there with a supportive dead weight wrapped around me whilst I ponder the problems of the age.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Long day

And a longer one ahead tomorrow.

*sigh* But it's ok, as schools become more of a service industry and less of a vocation, it's what we will come to expect. It's all rights rights rights with parents and no acknowledgement of their damn responsibilities. Never mind, it'll all blow over, and then, oh, how we'll laugh! lol!

Madasafish are still having issues, but that's ok, all it means is that we can't send email, although we can receive it. This mornings email was a grumpy one from the She-Ex, expecting an apology from us for the BG going out I think! I'm not sure. Whatever, the phone wasn't answered when it should have been, and then she'd gone out, so *shrug* yet more things put in the way of their relationship. We've done what we can. And whilst I could email her from my yahoo email account, I'm not allowed to, because that's what she wanted - and pretty much, she always gets what she wants. LOL.

Cross country was good - I watched with a large group of children as we stormed everything!

I had more to write, but I am so tired I might just go to bed. If I fire the laptop up in bed no doubt you'll see more drivel from me, if not, well, never mind. I'm sure you'll cope.

Night night.

UP and dressed and ready to go!

... at 5.45 am!

I'm impressed! I was only out of bed at 5.30. Animals are fed, fish are checked, all I have to do is sit and mark. And write this, which has become one of the most cathartic parts of my day.

Two of the most cathartic parts - morning and evening.

It's nice though, just to sit. Although I think I can hear small feet on the stairs and a tiny sniffle. I can. He sneaks down, pretends I can't see him, then I act all surprised to see him on the sofa and we pretend he was there ALL NIGHT! There's a variety of different reasons, sometimes involving watching films late at night, or aliens or burglars that he defended the house from and so on. Nothing out of the ordinary there lol!

Pain-wise, my official lack of RA is fine, because I have an official lack of symptoms. I have been pain free for 3 days now, which I think indicates that the curse is lifted lol! I know it flares up every now and again, and I can live with flaring up chronic pain better than I can with constant aching. Mind you, I think the weight loss is helping as well, just to take the pressure off of the joints.

(It was the small person - very tired and content to doze on the sofa for a little while! I predict a breakfast request in 3.................... 2........................ 1................................. NOW!)

BG-wise, there was no phonecall last night. *sigh* and a stroppy email last night apparently. There's one in the inbox now, but it's his mail so it can wait until he gets up. Somehow I doubt it's an apology for not letting his daughter speak to him. More likely that somehow all this is our fault for daring to phone and request to speak to the child lol! Bah and piffle! As long as she had a ncie time, that's what matters to us. I did her blog last night, but R didn't send the link yet. Which is cool and froody!

Right.

Time to get on!

Monday, March 16, 2009

****CLANG****

That's my halo hitting the floor.

I spent most of the evening msning with my brother trying to (and succeeding in!) working out formulas for his timesheet for work.

We did it in the end, but I've marked 2 books.

Early start it is then!

In other news - TESCO HAVE BROUGHT BACK MINTILICIOUS ICECREAM!

The man surprised me with a couple of tubs earlier.

I'm full now..........

I'm not working.

And I should be.

I will.

I'm going to mark the Literacy books at 9.00 watching ANTM (I know, trailer trash tv! LOL!) then work on the laptop to figure out what I'm doing tomorrow for improving the environment in topic. Then look at the literacy for tomorrow, check I've got the maths sorted in my own head - it's espresso stuff so it's not hard - and the afternoon is PPA, but I've volunteered to sort out the children left behind from the cross country and take them down to the Walks to watch and so on. In my own time, I might add, when I could be sat on my bum in the staffroom planning work!

I'm so good! *smug polishing of halo LOL!*

So to work!

Silence is not golden :-(

Wow.

I didn't get chance to post last night because we were busy, there were lots of people around and so on.

And I was irritated, and thought I would be better waiting before I said something rude. I know, I know, it's my blog and I can be as rude as I like in my own space, and it's not like I know anyone who reads it anyway (which is a good thing for all the tripe it contains mostly!) but it was still better to calm and chill and focus on the man last night.

Around 4.30 my parents turned up, and around 5pm we sat down for tea. The boys, obviously, turned up around 5.15 so I made drinks and got them sat down and had at utterly happy moment and one point when I looked around the table, and it was like something out of the Waltons (but with less children, obviously) Dad and PB and R were discussing design issues on Grand Designs, C and B and Mum were talking about the governments influence in schools, and Sam was curled up on my lap, almost asleep having eaten to a fullness. The centre of the table was groaning with homemade food, which was disappearing at a rate of knots. The world was a good and happy place. We had warm cheese scone round, bread for sandwiches, banana bread, scones and jam, shortbread biscuits, and plenty of tea and coffee, and it was almost all homemade that afternoon. I love that. I love knowing I made the things that they all enjoyed so much. P said to me it was like a big old-fashioned family tea - like Sunday teas used to be!

The AC and R were pleased to see each other, and AC got a bit over excited about seeing R home, and ended up with a bit of a later bedtime, but that's fine, he was asleep by 8 which is plenty late enough for under 11's on a school night lol!

R and I were very pleased to see each other, and couldn't keep our hands away from each other, just for the joy of being able to reach out and touch the other person. When everyone had gone, and the AC was in bed, we had a chat about the weekend and things that had happened and so on, and then I did work, and he played a game, and even then we chose to work in the same space so that we could chat and touch. Like me, he had missed the little things, the brushing past, the glances when we think the other isn't looking.

Then it was time for the phonecall to the BG, as usual. 1st time of dialling, no answer. 2nd time of dialling, 20 mins later, and apparently she's gone out with the neighbours for 3 hours. We were both annoyed, not because she was out, because hopefully she'll have a lovely Sunday afternoon, much nicer than being stuck indoors, but would it have killed someone to let us know? Probably. *sigh* Times like this, it feels like more than the thoughtlessness it usually is, and which we're used to, and more deliberate. It's more likely that the phone wasn't heard the first time, and then the assumption was that Daddy wasn't calling, and heaven forbid the call comes towards us unless it's to launch a random tirade of abuse or to do it like last weeks "We're going out so talk now or not at all" type call.

But it's ok, we'll talk to her eventually, the She-Ex keeps telling us how busy she is over there and so on, and at least she's earning now and has a proper job to support the BG. But it does make me glad we aren't still paying the $50 for the phonecalls that we paid almost every month since she's been gone, nor yet the $50 for the swimming lessons a month that she had about 2 months worth of and we kept paying for.

Oh well.

Moving on. Venting is nice! Last nights venting would have been more annoyed, but it's ok, we're used to it by now. There was no email this morning to explain what happened, but we're used to that as well. We'll find out, or we won't.

This week looks like being the first normal week that the children and I have had in a while! There's nothing exciting on, our class assembly is over, I'm not on a course, everything should be as on the timetable. Today is French, Numeracy, Literacy, PE, Quiet reading, ICT, assembly, home! The boss is out doing yet another thing, (which means I cannot tell him what I was asked about at church!) and so we shall meander through the day, doing the things the children *need* to do.

Everything is ready for R and teh AC to get up and dressed, I need to go and have a shower and then my clothes are ready, and the world is a gorgeous place. Lovely!

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Lovely!

Baked -

cake
biscuits
scones
cheese round
bread

washing done
tidying done
hoover done

All in all, a productive day!

And I've had lots of time to play with the AC!

R is on his way home, parents are on their way over, all is well!

No hassle from either Ex this weekend as well, for a change! YAY!