Saturday, November 14, 2009

And so to bed

It's the end of another Saturday night.

Tonight I laughed, joked, and played. Bob remarked on it. "What have you done with Sarah? This is not our Sarah!"

The last few weeks have been so hard. I have almost slipped into a dark place so often, but I will not. I refuse.

Some people do not have that option - depression takes them. I won't let it take me, I know the signs of it too well, and I will fight it off at every given opportunity. And if I'm not given an opportunity, I'll make one. Ha!

I know it's serious. I know it's out there, or in me, or wherever. But I have a gorgeous son, and so much to be thankful for! I'm happy in myself, I like my physical being, my mental being and my spiritual being. I have my own place, I'm not reliant on anyone, I have money to make the ends meet and a little over, I have a proper job, with prospects if I want them, and it's ok if I don't.

I have a Joe, and a Kevin, and a Dave, who are all lovely parts of the menagerie, and I have the fish to watch, the guineapig to care for.

I can sew, bake, write and make people feel loved and cared for.

I have a lot of good stuff going on.

I also know I have chaps out there, biding their time, waiting for me to look interested in that side of life again. Blokes who are kind, understanding, and decent men, who would make good father figures for the AC and good partners for me. How do I know they are decent chaps? Because they are not pressuring, not asking, not doing anything other than being there for me, whenever I need them, listening, understanding, caring about my son and I. A couple have mentioned being interested in something more, when *I'm* ready, not before, and if I'm never ready, then they'll still be here.

That's a true friend. I may never be ready. I may never want another man again. I don't at the moment - after all, when you've had steak it takes a while to go back to burgers, if you see what I mean!

Rich loves me so intensely, so completely, so wonderfully, so amazingly, that that is a hell of an act to follow. He told me I made him the happiest he'd ever been, and I made his life the best it had ever been. He said the difference was I was honest and I loved him just as he was. No-one had done that for him before. Other people had always lied to him, or cheated, and tried to make him something he wasn't. I was honest with him from the start of us, and right to the end of us on this plane of existence.

And so to bed. Loved, warm, happy, content with my lot as it is. Yes, I'd have him back in a millisecond if I could, but I can't, so aside from that, I am content.



I wrote this the other day, waiting for my lift back from my course. I hadn't heard from friends of mine in The Abroad for a while, and I knew what that meant from when Rich was out there. Some people didn't understand I was sad when I didn't hear from him, not because I hadn't heard from him, but because I knew what it meant for someone else. And now I know what it feels like for me to tell the AC, it's worse to know someone else is having to explain to a child that Daddy isn't coming home.


I can tell by the silence that bad news is on the way
There is no chime of email, no call to lift my day,
There is just the nothing, for there's nothing you can say,
I can tell by the silence that bad news is on the way.

It may not be my bad news, for I've had mine and more,
The knock has already fallen on my classroom door
But somewhere, someone else's wife is happy in her day
Not knowing and not thinking that bad news is on the way.

If I could stop it for them, then Lord you know I would
Sometimes it's hard to think that this is for the greater good.
Somewhere, someone else's son is just a child at play,
But a man he'll be tomorrow when bad news has come his way.

Lord, let the Hercules bring back whole strong men.
Even though we women know they won't be quite the same again.
Let them walk within their families as they go about their day,
Lord let the knock, the bad news, not be theirs today.

It's stupid o'click


That was originally a typo, but as I'm sat on the computer, it probably is o'click. Kev and Joe are around and about, AC is at his fathers.

Times like this are when I used to come down if I couldn't sleep, then go an creep back in next to Rich, all warm and gorgeous. Some nights I'd try not to wake him, if he was tired or had had a bad day with work or the She-Ex. Some days I'd definitely wake him, especially if he'd had a bad day with the She-Ex (There are different kinds of bad with her - and some good occasionally) Some nights he'd just wrap himself around me, holding me, loving me, needing me, even in his sleep.

So now I'll go back up, and it'll be empty, and I'll read or something and go back to sleep for a while.

I miss him.