Stuff the lemonade

Now, after a day at work, I don't want to make lemonade like I said this morning.  I'm sitting here, bawling my eyes out, dripping on the Kevin-cat, and hurting hurting hurting because I just want him to walk in the door.  Just one time more.  Just one.

Like the AC asking for just one more look at Rich's coffin.  Just one more mummy.

I just want to see him, hold him, kiss him, be with him once more time.  It's a physical pain that hits me in the stomach over and over again.  It stops me moving thinking being existing as me.  All I am is this huge ball of tears and snot and grief and want and need and so many, many things.

32 weeks really matters.  No, I don't know why, but I know it does.  It does.  I've known all day what time it was, what I was doing 32 weeks ago.  When he died.  When I saw the fire engines.  When the police came.  When I saw him.  When my mother came.  When I told the AC. All day, what I was doing 32 weeks ago.

So now I'm doing exactly what I was doing 32 weeks ago.  Crying.

Without the sense of disbelief, without the hope of a baby this time, without the hope that it was all some crazy mistake by someone else.

Just crying.  Just crying and crying and it's getting on my nerves now.

I just want him home.

32 weeks....

It's 32 weeks today.

By now the February baby would have been here.

Or if not him, then the June baby would have just arrived.

Or if not him, then the August baby would be well on his way.

If the She-Ex had kept her promises, and done the right thing with the money we sent, then we'd have been married - and actually, the BG would have been better off, because there would have been life insurance and so on.

But there's a whole world of if's and buts and maybe's.  Let's not even go to "If he hadn't have died...."

If those darling babies had arrived - not all of them lol, I'm not a rat - then I wouldn't be going to do my postgraduate Certificate.  I wouldn't be making the SENCO plans that I am making.  I wouldn't be living the life I am living.

Life has given me lemons in lots of places.  I'm making as much lemonade as I can.

Whoop Whoop and raise the roof...........