Monday, September 28, 2009
A good friend of mine and his lovely wife have finally produced their beautiful baby. And that's all I'm going to say about that right now. It's not my news, it's not out on the net yet, (not like they are celebs lol, but every parent should be telling the world about their progeny themselves!) but I am so glad. Rich and I had talked about how I might feel when their baby arrived - ours was due at the same time - and whilst it hurts like unmerry hell, in a way I cannot describe, I am so glad that they do have a bundle to cherish. Why would I want anyone else to go through this? It's not fun. I wouldn't.
In other, less exciting news, life is ok.
Rehearsals for the Harvest Assembly went ok. I have a lot of tech stuff to do tomorrow, but that's ok. I'm good at tech stuff.
Walking home to not see Rich was hard today. And that's all I want to say about that.
I have heard nothing from the She-Ex or the BG to say thankyou for including BG in our family announcement, or what she's thought of the blog or anything. That's just the way it is, and the way it's always been. It is ignorance in the truest form.
The AC broke at school today. He is so tired, so emotional, but if we break the routine now, he'll just collapse. Yes, we could both do with some time off, but we'll be ok. We are strong, that boy and I. We are supported by friends, love, God, Rich, family, all sorts. We'll be ok.
Life is ok today. It's not great, but it's ok. And that's the best it'll be for a while.
And that was the news!
Big story at the start, then lots of waffle.
Tea and bed.
At this point, I am fully aware that the She-Ex, who apparently does *not* read this - *nods* yeah, right - will assume that they were to do with her. Actually, the whole world does not revolve around her, it's not all about her as we had to point out a thousand times, and they had nothing to do with her. So ner. And if she doesn't read this, she won't be insulted, and if she does read this, then they weren't about her anyway, so there's nothing to be insulted by.
But I did write BG's blog today. It's here.
Thursday was Daddy’s 34th birthday. AC and I had special tea, (we had sausages, mash and beans – one of Daddy’s favourite teas!) and we asked the local newspaper, to put a Birthday Memorial announcement in the paper for us.
It looks like this.
The quote about love comes from the book that Daddy sent you, “No Matter What.” by Debi Gilori. If you ask mummy, I’m sure she’ll read it with you. It’s a gorgeous book, and Sam and I have read it more than ever since Daddy died.
I had all kinds of messages on the day, to say that people were thinking of us and you, and also lots of people left Happy Birthday! messages for Daddy. The people on the game he used to play, World of Warcraft, had a bit of a party, and I joined in that as well. It was lovely, and we talked about Daddy a lot, online, just like you and Daddy did a couple of times.
At the very end of the day, at nearly midnight, I went into the garden and I sat for a while, thinking about Daddy and how much he loved that garden and being in it, and how much he loves you and me and AC, and how much he missed you, and missed seeing you grow into the clever girl you are now. It hurt him so much not to see you, and I know it hurt you not to see him, but AC says he thinks Daddy can see you wherever you are now! Maybe he’s right.
Today was also Harvest Festival at church, and I was given these to bring home.
They were the flowers from the main table, and they had rosemary, lavender and thyme in them, which were the flowers that I sent with Daddy when he was in the Crematorium, the flowers that we had in the church for the Celebration for him, and today, Mrs P at church said she had remembered that when she was doing the harvest flowers, and she wanted to put a little something in for Daddy, so she did this, and I was given it to bring home.
It’s on top of our big fish tank, and has Daddy’s cap and beret with it. It looks gorgeous.
Anyway, I just wanted you to know about what we did. We put your name in the newspaper with ours, because you and me and AC love him such a lot, and you are part of our family as well. We love you, and we always will.
Take care Princess,
I have every intention of blogging to this beautiful girl whenever we do anything for her Daddy. I'd like to blog to her more, but her mother will probably claim it as harassment or something. I so far have not heard anything about her seeing any of the blogs, and maybe she is, maybe she isn't. Who knows. But it's a couple of years until she can do things for herself, unless she's made major gains in her reading and writing, which I hope she has, and I just want her to know that she wasn't just an addition to my family, or an inconvenience, or a pain, or any of the other things her mother has described our contact with her as, but that she was loved, and cared about, and that even when we put an announcement in the paper, she was there with us. In the midst of us, because she's older than the AC.
He broke down tonight. He cried for 10 minutes straight, about Rich, saying he was going to take on God and if he could he'd fight Him to get Rich back, and it didn't matter if he got hurt by God he wanted Rich back.
Today is also, by my calculations, although I may be a day or two out, the 4 years point since BG saw her Daddy. His last physical memory of her, was watching her be dragged, sobbing, by her mother, through the departure gate. He never saw her again, and now he never will. He didn't cry, because although she was only young, he didn't want her to think that this was a scary thing that she had to do. He was trying to protect her, even at the last minute.
The drive back in the car was silent. AC went to sleep. We didn't talk. He dropped me off. He came round that evening, and he had spent all day, in the house, just sitting, looking at BG's stuff, not knowing when he would see her again, or even if. Her mother had said "I'll take her away, and you'll never see her again." and now she'd taken her, and probably meant the last bit. He came round, and he leant up against me, and we sat, in silence, almost all night.
Over the next few days, that's what we did. Sometimes we talked, sometimes he cried, sometimes we just sat in silence. And then he had his nervous breakdown, which the She-Ex resented him having, and life got livable from then in.
And now they will never see each other physically again. The She-Ex could have stayed here - even she admitted that, several times, that the thing she'd told both of us was a lie, and she could have stayed. They would have had another 4 years together, at least. BG would have had proper memories of her father, just like AC has of him.
What cannot be cured, must be endured, as they say.
The flowers from church are amazingly lovely though. I'll be sad when they go over.