Friday, November 19, 2010

It's not you, it's me.

PUDSEY! Hurrah! Children in Need day! YAY!

Just what we need after the emotional ups and downs of last week.  Sher was round last night and it was good.  AC thinks she's lovely, J obviously likes her (she's his friend lol!) and I'm ok with her.  Initially I didn't like her, but I'm trying to put that aside and look for her good qualities. She has them.  I just have to find them and cherish them, more than the fact her language and attitudes are crude.

Maybe I'm a prude.  Maybe that's where the problem is.  Maybe all along, it's been my expectations that have made it difficult with the She Ex, and with the He Ex, and with Sher.  I expect good manners and polite company around children, and acceptance of life, and children first.  Always, always children first.  The selfishness of some parents who are unable to do that, and the concious and subconscious trauma that they put the children through, which has far reaching effects into their futures, well, that attitude just drives me mad.

Yesterday I had three sets of tears, from three different children, about issues which, clearly, I'm not going into on here.  These children are going through hell, and only one of the parents involved actually gives a damn, and I know why, and I applaud her for it.  

I know I've been criticised for the fact that the AC always comes first, always.  Regardless.  I know that we are so blessed that we have J in our lives and that I am incredibly blessed that he and the AC get on so, so well.  He puts the AC first as well, but obviously he has to put T-boy first when we are all together.  He knew I wanted that, and expected that when we were together that's what would happen.  He hasn't let me down like that.

But maybe it's not the right way.  I keep being told "You should put you first"  "Make time for you" "What do *you* want out of life?"  and if I was doing things the right way, then the world wouldn't say that.  But then do I care what the world thinks?  I don't know.  Part of me does - I mean, I'm writing this to try and think it through, and I know that there are people out there who read it and make comments, and so that matters.  Part of me looks at how settled my son is, even through everything, and thinks that I clearly am doing things the right way, that preparing him for change is good, that putting him first matters and improves him.

Oh I don't know. *laughs and shrugs*  In the big scheme of things it doesn't matter I expect.  Maybe I should lower my expectations for the people mentioned above lol!

Maybe I think too much.